AIBU for grounding my son for 1 month?

[DannielleNGin]

On Wednesday the school called telling me that my DS, 14, is being put in isolation after he called an Asian girl at his school a ch*nk. When he got back home I admit I went ballistic on him and took his phone away for a month and grounded him which means he can’t go out with his friends anymore more.

However, DH is siding with DS thinks that it’s too much and that I’m overreacting. He’s saying that DS probably said it as a “joke” although I can’t see a situation in which this is funny at all.

So, AIBU?

YANBU I would be doing the same. And making sure my DS understood why.

Yanbu. I'd do the same. Good on you.

Your husband is also a racist too.

It seems proportionate to me.

Tbh I'm not sure how harsh is too harsh but I do think perhaps punishment without without education won't help him. Just being scared of saying something isn't good enough IMO

YANBU but it’s pointless if your DH thinks it’s funny as racism is in your house, so grounding him won’t fix it. I’d try addressing the route of the problem here.

As someone who's daughter was callled racist names, and having seen how it mentally affected her, I think it's a completely just punishment. I only wish more parents were zero tolerance like this. It should never be minimised as just a joke because it isn't a joke to the recipient, even if they might be too afraid to show how upset they are for whatever reason.

Racism is not funny, he needs to learn that. YANBU.

When I was little I opened the door to the delivery man and yelled "chinky's here!" That's what we called a Chinese takeaway, like how shameful is that, can you imagine how that man judged us?!

Oh yes, because a racist name is the worst thing to happen to anyone ever!
Get some perspective and stop pandering.

Pandering to what?!

I dunno if it was your intension but your post makes you sound like a racist troll.

Coming down hard on racism is pandering? I've really heard it all now.

ILoveeCakes

Oh yes, because a racist name is the worst thing to happen to anyone ever!

Really? For someone to be called horrible names every day, you don't think that's bad? Someone being led to understand that they're not as good as a (presumably) white person? Can you not see how upsetting and stressful and the toll it's likely to take?

He also needs educating on the repercussions of racism and what it does to children who are the victims. My sons self esteem hasn't recovered 18 months after the fucking shit was expelled. It has fundamentally changed him.

A racist comment is no joke, but I think the school punishment is enough.
I think taking his phone away and grounding him for a month is just silliness because it teaches him nothing about racism. It just adds word to a list of words that shall not be uttered. You need to tackle the root of this.

If it were a DS of mine, Id have him be reading a few good books like
”Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race”
”The Myth of the Model Minority”
“Alien Nation”
”Born a Crime”

Lots to choose from. Then discuss racism with him and how harmful it is.

some people on this thread clearly haven't experienced racism

YANBU.

But I totally read the title as "AIBU for grounding my 1 month old son?"

The vast majority won’t have, since AIBU is very white (and middle aged)

Please don’t listen to the a month is too harsh’ brigade. That girl will NEVER forget the incident. Your son will only have to deal with the consequence for a month.
If this is your partner’s reaction, I’m not surprised your DS said they tbh.

You’re not being overly harsh by any means.

I agree with speaking to him properly and trying to get him to understand the impact of racism abuse. He’s 14 so more then capable of understanding this.

Poor girl

🤣🤣🤣 now that would be interesting

I Dunno
what’s he learning from a month being grounded?
yeah you should punish him, but I’d be more worried about why he thought it was ok to say and why he isn’t more remorseful

[UPDATE] Thank you MNers for comments and suggestions!!

Had a talk with DS and DH over dinner tonight and asked DS why he thought it was appropriate to do that. He said he found it funny so did what he did. DH is still on his side and somehow laughed during the conversation. I’ve tried talking to DS about it further but he’s ignored me.

I would say for usual teen infractions that a month is overkill. But we have all seen how damaging and pernicious racism is, and I commend you for taking such a strong stand against it. It is concerning that your husband is so dismissive of the seriousness of it.

He is learning that racism won’t be tolerated by his parent.

He is ignoring you because this is learned behaviour

Your son doesn’t respect you because your husband doesn’t

You have a big DH problem here

So your update is that your DH is racist and has taught your son to be, also?

The vast majority of people on this forum won't have experienced racism tbh.