To think that ghosting a 30 year friendship is really fucking cruel

[Mumsfret1976]

I'm in the process of being ghosted from a very dear friend. Its so painful, I've spent months replaying conversations, things I could have said or done wrong. I've always done my best to be a good friend. Always been there to listen, to care. Always been interested in her DC. There's nothing I can pinpoint but after 2 years of slowly fading out of my life she's now cut me off.

I'm just left feeling confusing and hurt. I know it's out of my hands, I can't make someone want to be my friend anymore but she meant a lot to me. Its also come at a time of my own ill health and my dad's cancer diagnosis. She doesn't know about my Dad, I didn't want her to feel obliged to stay in my life if she didn't want to and she obviously doesn't.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you get over it? I do have a couple of others friends and DH, DC and my parents so I'm not on my own but no one will ever replace her.

Happened to me. Weird thing was they tried to re-enter my life again years later as though nothing had happened. That time I shut the door.

I've had it happen to me after twenty years of a close close (lived together multiple times, went on holidays and spent Christmas with each others families) friendship. She was like a sister to me.

It was more painful than any breakup. I have no idea what caused it - theories but nothing more. When my family or mutual friends ask me what 'really' happened between us I don't have an answer. I tried to resolve it. I tried to move past it. Then I realised she wasn't just cutting me off but being purposely nasty to and about me so I stepped away.

It was a long drawn out painful process. For ages I would have been happy to pretend it didn't happen or talk it out and accept responsibility for however I'd hurt her - whichever she wanted. I missed her so much.

Then I got to a stage where I thought no I would need some sort of explanation if we were to be friends again.

Then that passed too and I realised I did not want to be friends again. I don't miss her and I don't think she deserves my friendship. She's unkind and two-faced. I rarely think of her unless prompted by something independent (like this thread).

You will get there too. Give yourself time.

@antelopevalley

I don't think this ever happens though. People don't generally 'ghost' people they have been friends with for 30 years, after 6 months of the friend being a PITA. It often goes a lot deeper, and things have been brewing for a long time.

Also, if 2 people have been friends for a long time, and the one turns toxic - a nightmare to be with, very hard work, clingy, whiny, sucking the life and energy out of their friend, and causing stress and affecting the mental health and mood of their friend, then maybe THEY are the 'shit friend.'

Pouring all their troubles and problems and issues onto someone, only seeing their issues and problems, and not stopping talking about them, and not being remotely interested in anyone else's life or problems is the way SOME people get. So maybe the friend who is being ghosted is the 'shit friend.' SOME people, when they have problems to deal with in life become very self centred and toxic and awful to be around.

Sometimes people have to do what's best for them. And cutting loose/cutting out/ghosting someone who is affecting their mental health and bringing their mood down, and causing them a lot of stress, is the only option when some people become so toxic, and selfish.

People ghost because they've made a decision to end the friendship and do not want the grief or fall out associated with explaining why, especially if they think that the conversation could turn nasty. A least that's why I ghosted; 30 years of negativity, put downs and her expecting me to be there to support her when she couldn't even be bothered to ask after a terminally ill relative of mine. It had stopped being a real friendship years ago. I didn't owe her anything. I had no interest in the brick wall I would have been hitting my head against if I'd tried to explain why.

I think the point is though that friendships, even long term friendships, can be ended unilaterally by either party. It's the method of ending the friendships that is in question. Ghosting a friend is cruel.

Well exactly. ^ How on earth is anyone meant to TELL someone they are a self-centred, toxic, selfish, thoughtless, moany, whining bore, who is causing them stress, and low moods, and affecting their mental health, and that they DREAD the phone ringing and it being them, and they DREAD them calling by?!

Far easier to just cut them dead. Not a great thing to do, but is saying 'you're a toxic, whining, boring mood-hoover who makes me feel like shit when I'm with you, and I no longer want to be your friend, fuck off!' really any better? REALLY?

And as your post illustrates, it's not 'just a few months' out of a 20-30 year friendship when someone ghosts/cuts and blocks all contact. It often runs a lot deeper than that, and a person usually only 'ghosts' someone when they're at the end of their tether with them, because they've been a toxic nightmare for a LONG time. NOT because they've become a bit annoying for a few months (after 25 years of friendship.)

I don't think it's fair to say that if you've been ghosted it's because you are a self centred toxic nightmare of a friend.

And to be honest even if someone does experience you this way they can say that they aren't getting whatever needs they have met in the friendship and they feel it's time to move on.

I'm still reading. Really interesting replies thankyou.

In my defence I know I'm not a nightmare of a friend or anything that's been described above. I'm not over opinionated, I'm kind, I care, I check in, I'm interested in my friends, I listen etc. I have offloaded to her over the years but not excessively, she's done the same to be. It's just been 'normal' life chat that you have between friends.

I'm stumped I really am and really all I'd like is a text to say 'I'm moving on, thanks for a wonderful friendship but I'm in a different place in my life now'. No need for a character assassination. I'd let her go and get on with her life.

This just feels unnecessarily cruel.

I agree with @PurpleButterflyWings and @ForeverWeBlend - when once-healthy friendships slowly decay into one person becoming an emotional vampire to the other, there is no nice or sensible way to end it.

Protecting your mental wellbeing and walking away is a smart choice in those situations.

Isn’t that pretty similar to the grey rock approach Mumsnet likes to suggest?

Have you stopped following her on social media?
I muted my friend which is helpful for me.

If you're friends with a narcissist that is when "grey rock" or no contact can be recommended to protect your own mental health. Most people who are on the receiving end of being ghosted though aren't narcissists. Certainly there is no reason whatsoever to think this applies to the OP. In fact the OP's response doesn't sound even remotely like the response of a narcissist to me.

Yes, it's extremely cowardly. Just have the ovaries to give a general explanation, especially after 30 years! I can never understand why so many people on these threads say it's fine to ghost someone, or there's no alternative. Of course there's an alternative you're just too shabby to use it.

She was the one person I felt I could off load to. She would do the same to me but maybe she's reached a point where she can't cope with any negativity from anyone. Maybe she just wants light, easy friendhips without the tough parts of supporting someone through difficult times.She hasn't been there for me at all through my recent illness and I've never expected or asked much from her but she just doesn't give a shit.

Hmmm... Maybe it did all get to be too much.

I'm not on social media. I dont know if that makes it harder or not. At least if I was on social media I could still see her DC grow up and stuff, even if she didn't want direct contact with me.

This has happened to me- it has been a year now and still incredibly painful. Total silence after a 35+ year friendship, not a ghosting, but a unilateral decision to cut me out because something feels 'stagnant'.

The most painful thing for me is that I feel this was the person who knew me best, better than my husband or my sister, as we had lived through so much together and exchanged and shared so much of life, talked and laughed for decades, and mutually taken an interest in one another's journey through all the vicissitudes of life.

I have lost her family too, which is painful, and it is very hard to know that her lifelong interest in my kids doesn't mean enough to her to want to be in touch with me. I am left feeling awful because this woman really knew me- it is a true indictment of the core of my being to know that her life is improved by my absence.

I’m sorry you’re going through this Op. it’s really hard.
My sister ghosted me a few years ago. It’s become easier to deal with as the years have gone by but it’s been really hard. In a way it’s been like a bereavement because I’ve lost that bond that was always been there. I told her everything. I have read our old text messages looking for signs and replayed conversations in my head. I don’t suppose I’ll ever get to the bottom of it.

I really feel for you. You just have to focus on the positives in your life and find something for you that fills the void.

Good luck Op. it’s hard but you’ll gradually think less and less about it and the pain will become easier to bear.

Nobody has mentioned the most common reason for ghosting- if you are me, that is. Phone falls on floor with contacts in it and I haven’t written them down. Sure I still have close friends on there but there are lots of less close role who I’ve lost because I changed phone number or broke my phone. This is actually a great reminder that I need to write these down!

Yeh, this thread has shown that some people are only in friendships for the fun stuff. Maybe that's the stage she's at in her life, that's her choice.

I stopped mentioning my health pretty soon into my problems as I got the impression she just couldn't offer any words of sympathy (I really didn't need anything off her, just maybe asking after my treatment sessions would have been nice) but she's never followed up on it since. I've also not told her about my Dad's cancer as I didn't want to put that pressure on her/our friendship. I have tried to keep things light and easy.

I'm sorry you've been through the same. I've deleted our chat history as I've gone through it a lot and it wasn't helping.

Gosh yes, this is exactly my situation. Im sorry its happened to you too.

Some people have no tolerance for illness in others. But if she's been fading away for two years, maybe it's something else.

I wish it was something so simple but sadly not in this case.

That’s an incredibly strong thing to do. It’s been 3 years now and I can’t bring myself to delete years of our messages. I even look at her WhatsApp photos so see what she is up to. Not healthy, I know.
The thing is, it happened around this time of year and it’s always difficult. In my case, she still wanted access to my children (she was in contact with my teenage son via text) but I drew the line at that.

Yeh, this thread has shown that some people are only in friendships for the fun stuff. Maybe that's the stage she's at in her life, that's her choice.

I dont think that is reasonable. As some PP have mentioned, the decision to ghost someone usually comes after a long build up of stuff and other methods of sorting things have not been successful. My decision was made after 18 months of relentless negativity. I am sorry it has happened to you, it cant feel good. I mourned my friendship for a long time, it was a real loss but eventually you have to draw a line.

Not everyone is the same though. I'd rather be ghosted than hearing what's apparantly wrong with me. If I'm being ghosted I can just blame them. If it's something I said or did then I feel like a horrible person.