To think that ghosting a 30 year friendship is really fucking cruel

[Mumsfret1976]

I'm in the process of being ghosted from a very dear friend. Its so painful, I've spent months replaying conversations, things I could have said or done wrong. I've always done my best to be a good friend. Always been there to listen, to care. Always been interested in her DC. There's nothing I can pinpoint but after 2 years of slowly fading out of my life she's now cut me off.

I'm just left feeling confusing and hurt. I know it's out of my hands, I can't make someone want to be my friend anymore but she meant a lot to me. Its also come at a time of my own ill health and my dad's cancer diagnosis. She doesn't know about my Dad, I didn't want her to feel obliged to stay in my life if she didn't want to and she obviously doesn't.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you get over it? I do have a couple of others friends and DH, DC and my parents so I'm not on my own but no one will ever replace her.

@thewinterwitch

Yes! Some VERY good points there ^ It's odd how it's deemed as perfectly normal and acceptable for someone to dump a long term partner if the relationship has become toxic and untenable, and everyone supports them and understands. And if there are no children involved, and if you weren't married - there's absolutely no reason to stay in touch.

Yet when a woman comes on here saying she wants to dump, and ghost a long-term friend because she has become toxic, needy, clingy, and really hard work, and is only bringing misery and discord to her life now, she gets a load of shit thrown at her for being 'cruel,' and 'mean,' and a 'coward.' WTAF is that about? Really?

As you say, if the OP's friend had had a conversation with the OP, similar to what some people have suggested on here, it would NOT have gone well.

As I said, when someone ghosts someone, it is never done lightly, or for no reason, and it's never done when a friend of MANY years has just been a bit of a pain for a few months. It's often a manifestation of several YEARS of shit from the toxic friend, and the person doing the dumping/ghosting has had enough, and simply has no choice. Some people are incredibly toxic and draining, and can make you very stressed and low, and ghosting really IS the only option.

That makes sense! But then, how would we know about ghosts as a 'thing' if nobody ever saw them? (I am not sure about 'actual' ghosts really to be honest and I am TOTALLY derailing the thread now)

"It’s called ghosting because it involves someone essentially “vanishing” into thin air as if they were a ghost."

www.verywellmind.com/what-is-ghosting-5071864

"Ghosting is often obvious, but it can also be a gradual process. The other person might start by 'soft ghosting,' where they progressively minimize contact over a period of time."

The fading away OP mentioned. Quite a nice article, I thought.

Interesting, thank you.

Some rather odd comparisons in this thread to the ending of marriages or long term romantic partnerships. Of course any individual is entitled to end any relationship they like. But I don't think people on this thread would be condoning OP's husband if he'd left her after 30 years of marriage without a word of explanation. If he just disappeared one day?

Replying when someone asks how you are/why you haven't been in touch doesn't mean you have to spell out every thing you can no longer tolerate about the friend. Just a simple "I feel we've grown apart too much to call ourselves friends any longer but I wish you all the best and have some great memories to keep. I won't reply if you contact me again, I'm sure you'll understand."

I think I’m being soft ghosted and it’s a horrible feeling. Honestly I wish she’d just have done with and go full ghost. We’ve been friends for 10 years but in the last 18 months I’ve felt her move away. It’s all barbed comments and vague commitments to catching up that go nowhere, it’s always me who calls and me who texts. I think she is too much of a coward to say what is really the problem and too much of a coward to go full ghost (it’s complicated but there is an indirect financial gain for her in maintaining contact) so I think she is hoping i will take the hint and do it for her. To be honest our friendship is dead now anyway so I’d say she’s had her way.
I find it difficult because I honestly felt this was a friendship I worked hard to nurture. It happens to me quite regularly so it must be me. The thing is I don’t know what it is I do wrong so I can’t change it. It’s hard, it knocks your confidence and makes you feel like you must be such a horrible person that somebody you thought you were close to thinks their life is better when you aren’t in it.

@LindorDoubleChoc I would be so gutted to receive that message with clear instructions that I was not allowed to ask for more information - I'd rather be ghosted. At least with ghosting in a funny sort of way you get some of the control back. You can stop contacting the person who has become so flaky about meeting up. You can get the message without having it hammered home.

Ghosting not nice but sometimes no other option. I remember pulling a friend up on something few years back. Just wasnt worth it. She got so argumentative.. just easier to fade it out ....

That's fair enough but when someone is literally straining their brain to think of a shred of something they have done then it's unacceptable and ridiculous. But again that's a reflection on them not you.

Nobody is saying you have to be friends with people for ever. But with a long term friend, to do nothing to raise your issue with them is cowardice. It is easy enough to say, lets talk about something happier now. And keep saying it. Or we don't agree on politics, lets just agree to disagree.
Instead too many woman are cowards and go for the easy way out. It is a lack of social skills.

There's a massive difference between ending a long term friendship and ghosting someone. If I ended a relationship I would expect toexplicitly tell my partner it was ove and probably give them some indication of why. Same deal with a long standing friendship. A friendship in any case isn't the same because it isn't exclusive and doesn't require the same time commitment. I can choose to spend less time with a friend and I can make other friends in a way I couldn't with a romantic partner. It's very cruel to just cut off contact wothout giving a reason.

That said none of this stands if the person is really toxic in some way (not just irritating or a bit needy). Some people will always turn a situation around and blame others and in these cases there's just no point getting into explanations.

But the explanations many people have given here for ghosting are not that big a deal and could easily have been said to the person.

That is a long friendship. I wouldn't be prepared to let it go.
I would go over and tell her she means the world to me, we need to sort this out, and if it can't be sorted out for whatever reason you need a last hug, some closure and to say goodbye. You don't need to passively accept her disappearance.
I nearly ended a long friendship of mine, 35 years plus, as the friendship had me in a holding pattern and I found it unhealthy. I had grown well beyond our younger outlook. I couldn't do or be the same person anymore. I found we had grown so far apart even though we were still close. My friend fought for us, she said she will adjust what we need to adjust, she can open up more about her true feelings rather than sugar coating which she tended to do often. I don't want the insta version of her. We worked on it, and now we have a new chapter and a different friendship - a grown up version of what it used to be.

It is up to you, but you don't need to accept it without a word. I would go and speak to her, she will have deep feelings for you op. Start by asking how it has come to this, and start at the beginning.

I've had this happen before. If it is just folks drifting apart, that's one thing, but to find yourselves ghosted when you're still making the effort in to stay in touch - without any explanation is incredibly painful and seriously damages self esteem. It's one thing if life moves on, or there is an obvious reason for the change... But some people just become unavailable and don't respond to messages... Until they're gone.

Nothing you can do. But do understand the pain.

It's happening to me right now. Haven't heard from my friend for 2 weeks. Seems like nothing but very unlike her as she would text me every other day previously. I know she's doing fine as she's on social media all the time. Just hasn't got the time to respond to my texts.

She's full of herself - always talking about her or her kids or where they've been on holiday. I've heard all the minute details of every aspect of her life. I've probably told her a tenth of that, always been caring and supportive to what she's had to say. Now she's probably not in the right frame of mind to return this and so has been blanking me.

I feel it's so selfish of her to stop talking whenever she decides to and bombard with long texts when she's got something to say. Feeling very undervalued and hate being treated like this.

Not sure if this is ghosting as it's only been two weeks but hate being treating like this.

I had this happen when young. Woman suddenly was just unavailable and seemed to be spending all her time with more middle class people instead. I think when she had moved to her town she knew no one, DH and I were friendly so she latched on. But since she made "better" friends she disappeared and totally ghosted us. Went from her dropping round our house for a coffee about 3-4 times a week, to not answering calls or texts. We went round to her house and had an awkward conversation on her doorstep. We went round because we were honestly worried she might have died.

One of them childless and carefree, one of them a mum to 4 but hers were much older. I'll admit that I talked about the baby a lot. I was excited.

@nova99 but is your friend 'childless and carefree ' by choice? She may well have wanted a child or be struggling with infertility herself that you don't know about. Maybe she just wanted her old friend back where her whole personality wasn't just 'the baby'? I don't know about your other friend though 😔

They should sell 'You've been ghosted!' cards in Hallmark, shouldn't they. Would make everything clear.

One snag is that friendships are odd things. Like dates arranged - you never see this done on telly, or rarely. Most romantic involvement happens against a backdrop of adventure or drama. When I was a teen it freaked me out that the whole thing could be reduced to a perfunctory 'this is just a date' question, or sex without a romantic backdrop.

So just as the beginning of a friendship is a bit nebulous, so the ending of it can be awkward too. Anything you drift into, it's hard to drift out, you almost have to wait for the tide to go out.

Another problem is that certainly in England it just doesn't seem that friendly a place. I mean, okay, it is in terms of exchanging pleasantries in a coffee shop with the vendor, but the whole thing of 'Do you want to come back to my place for a natter?' seems in some quarters harder than 'Back to mine for sex?' You have Tinder for hookups but nothing for a no-strings evening of friendship which is mad when you think about it. Because of all this, cutting off a friendship seems more awful both for the perpetrator and the recipient because it leaves the latter with a sense of nowhere to go.

how shitty for you. I would like an explanation if I was in your shoes. I know it's up to the person as to whether to give it but still I be wondering and beating myself up like you are and that's not fair either. Have you tried asking your friend?

He's a gay man with no intention of starting a family

@nova99 Ah that's fair enough then, in that case I have no idea 😔

TBF I’d get quite weary of a friend banging on about their kids, as a childfree person I find it really boring to listen to and I’m friends with you, not the children. But I’d just try and ask “enough about the kids, how are YOU” and hope they get the message….

I can see that after having kids your entire life can become the child, and I wouldn’t have much in common anymore as we wouldn’t exactly be able to talk about holidays/work/hobbies/going out. It would definitely change a friendship for sure.

Reading this thread with interest
It's a moveable feast of feelings but I have posted here before about my sadness at friends disappearing through lockdown.

If it is, as some posters have said, that they just can't cope with many people any more, I do wish they'd said so.

I had one person approach to reestablish things...ironically this is one I was least sorry to lose. I won't go into why. But rather than just ignore her, I said that lockdown had changed me and I didn't feel able to take up the friendship again. I did make reference to feeling hurt about how she behaved in that time but I did it gently.

She replied saying to let me know if I changed my mind.

There's a pp saying that daily life feels like too much....that's how I feel now. But if anyone else approached me, I'd say that. I wouldn't ghost.

I'm now thinking about what the next phase of my life will look like friendship wise. DC are teens so most of the activities we'd do with family friends/mums have stopped. Pre DC we went clubbing etc. Not into that anymore. I've I've 2 good friends who I meet for coffee and a catch up once a month or so.

I'm not sure I want anymore than that right now. I'm mid 40's. Maybe I'll look into doing a bit of volunteering alongside my paid work, just to meet new people without the commitment of friendship then when I retire I can throw myself into the social scene. Lots going on in the town I live in for ages 60+.

Mumsfret yes, lots of things I've tried are 65+, I have no issue with that, but they clearly don't want my age group there.