To think that ghosting a 30 year friendship is really fucking cruel

[Mumsfret1976]

I'm in the process of being ghosted from a very dear friend. Its so painful, I've spent months replaying conversations, things I could have said or done wrong. I've always done my best to be a good friend. Always been there to listen, to care. Always been interested in her DC. There's nothing I can pinpoint but after 2 years of slowly fading out of my life she's now cut me off.

I'm just left feeling confusing and hurt. I know it's out of my hands, I can't make someone want to be my friend anymore but she meant a lot to me. Its also come at a time of my own ill health and my dad's cancer diagnosis. She doesn't know about my Dad, I didn't want her to feel obliged to stay in my life if she didn't want to and she obviously doesn't.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you get over it? I do have a couple of others friends and DH, DC and my parents so I'm not on my own but no one will ever replace her.

Thank you @Mumsfret1976
you have helped a lot of us through your post. Look after yourself and don’t feel bad, I know it’s painful right now and although it’s not what you wish for you will learn to live with it. You will treasure your other loved ones and you will enjoy the good times ahead of you.

I totally agree with you @Mumsfret1976. A friendship of such significant length does deserve a proper ending and some explanation imo for both parties. There does seem to be an attitude that you don't need to explain your reasons for ending a relationship but, come on, it's not a flash in the pan 30 years is it? A friendship that 'fades' would be by mutual agreement. If one party continues to chase they need to be told the reason.

I ended a friendship of nearly thirty years recently. It had become very one-sided with me putting in all the effort and I needed to end it for my mental health. I felt taken for granted and used and wasn't get much out of the friendship. I think she was oblivious, had got used to me doing all the heavy lifting and actively resisted my efforts to even it up making it unsubstainable.

I wrote her a letter, a very well thought out and kind letter highlighting the onesidedness and examples supporting how I was feeling. No blaming or aggressiveness. I explained why I needed to bow out, didn't mention all the rude, thoughtless things she had done. I heard nothing back (I would have tried to resolve it if it was me). That told me the friendship had died but I felt good about taking control of the situation and ending it my way.

Thanks @Mumsfret1976 I hope you find some resolution as well.

It's hard because people post all these things on social media about being open about your mental health etc... But now I feel like I should have down played my situation and not been honest. What do you do? It's definitely made me reconsider the friendship.

She sounds like a bitch but in a case like this where it obviously means so much to you, I wonder if it's better to just suck up your pride and just ask what is going on? 💐

I true friend should weather those storms with you. I dont think being there to lend an ear to a good mate once or twice a month is putting too much on them.

I have asked. I initially thought that she was going through a rough patch so I asked if everything was OK as she seemed to withdraw and I got a reply saying she was fine. Maybe 6 months later I asked if it was me and that's when the ghosting kicked in.

I have done it too... (ghosted someone.) ONCE ... I met a woman around summer 2016 at the local Ladies group in my village. She lives not too far away from me. 15 mins walk... They moved into this village around early 2016, and I met her and her partner at the pub. She and he seemed okay when me and DH met them. We all went to the pub a few times, and for a few meals over about one and a half to two years.

Unfortunately, the more we got to know them, the more we disliked them, and the more loathsome and dislikeable they became. They were very homophobic, very racist, and very critical and bitchy. They bitched about the female vicar, and didn't understand how a woman could be a vicar. They also derided and berated other people in the village. Including insulting peoples ginger hair, and freckles, and had a pop at peoples weight!

They seemed really shocked that my husband let us let me use OUR car. And sneered at women who had children out of wedlock. THEY were childfree and weren't married, and it was because he wouldn't marry her. She moaned all the time about how wrong it was that they weren't married. Met in 2003, and no ring. He earned 2.5X more than her too and never shared anything with her, making her pay for everything herself. It was a hilariously toxic relationship, yet she was SO judgy and up herself.

There was one particular woman in the 'Women's group' that I used to go to in the village (about 15 women,) who was about five years younger than her, in her mid 40s, and she didn't work. And this 'friend' of mine was relentless in constantly asking her why she doesn't work, how she can't work, when she's going to start work again. Work, work, work, work, work. After about the 10th time, of being grilled in 10 weeks, this woman just stopped going to the group and she told me (much later,) that this so-called friend of mine was the reason why.

There's a number of things apart from the nasty catty way they spoke about people. She wanted to know how me and my husband could both afford to just work part time, and how we were mortgage-free by our mid 40s! And HE made comments about my husbands weight. (DH is always 2-3 stone overweight so not much, and he is gorgeous- this man was 9 and a half stone, 5 ft 3 and a keen cyclist without a scrap of body fat. SO this meant he could call everyone else FAT obviously. And she made sarcastic comments about another woman's daughter doing a 'masters' saying 'oh forever in education never growing up, eh?'

Constantly calling and texting me wanting to talk about how she hated her job and hated the kids in the families in the cul de sac she lived in. Bought a FOUR bed house with her and her partner, in a cul de sac of 12 FOUR bed houses, and was shocked that there were a lot of children around! And if I didn't answer her text back within 15 minutes she was at my door. Moany, mean-spirited, bitchy, racist, homophobic, boring, critical. Her partner was the same.

After around 2.5 years, I actually had to completely block and ghost her AND him, as I was getting so stressed out. She really got me down... There's no easy way to say 'will you please fuck off ... because I hate you, you fucking arsehole... !' So sometimes you do have to ghost people.

4 years later, and I still have no regrets. I have passed her a few times, and looked the other way. She mithered and pestered me for about 6 months via text and phone messages and emails, and I ignored every form of contact. She even got a couple of the other women in the ladies group that we went to, to grill me and find out why I haven't been in touch with her. (I stopped going when I decided to ghost her, but I saw them at the village cafe...) I just kept saying, 'the more I got to know them, the more I realised we have got nothing in common really. We just became friends at the beginning because they were new to the village and I wanted to be friendly but they got too attached. But we've got nothing in common.'

I wasn't going to say there were problems because these two women she kept asking are actually really nice and they would have tried to 'fix' the problem. I didn't want anything 'fixing.' I just wanted this fucking woman out of my face, and out of my life. AND her hideous 'partner!'

Upshot is @Mumsfret1976 . People don't GHOST people for nothing........

I'm currently going through this. I have a friend who is fucking draining. All she talks about is herself 24/7. She has never been happy about anyone doing well for themselves or achieving something fantastic. I moved away from my hometown and she comes over and when we go out all she talks about is how 'skanky' and 'chavy' it is where I live and just puts down everything I've ever achieved. She's constantly moody and does my absolute head in. Been friends for 12 years and I'm now on my last legs with her. She pisses me right off and I find her rude and quite frankly rude. Sadly some people are just this way x

That is true. But sometimes it says more about the person doing the ghosting. If you have been good friends with someone for 20 or 30 years and then decide to ghost them because they go through a very hard time for 6 months and are no longer fun, then I think you are a shit friend.

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you.
I have also had this happen to me - best friend of 15 years has suddenly ghosted me this year for no apparent reason.
Earlier this year she found out her husband has been having an affair for over 8 years and was devastated. I heard everything and told her my opinion, even offering to take her in while she organised the divorce. Then she suddenly decided to take him back and ghosted me.
I realise it's all down to her issues but it doesn't make it easier. Something that has helped though was reflecting back on our friendship over the years and I realised we actually drifted apart a lot longer ago, when I had my second child. She was never happy for me and looking back at messages it was after telling her I was pregnant that it then became a one sided friendship where I messaged first, I organised our nights out etc etc.
When you are feeling a bit better about this and things are hurting so much I recommend looking back at your conversations and thinking about who I making the most effort - it might help you gain some clarity or at least acceptance of the situation xxx sending hugs xx

Thats fine. But thats not my personal definition of friendship. My friend's child died. How on earth could I then tell her that her friendship was no interest to me because her feelings werent light and uplifting?I was there for her and still am because thats what friends do and I love her. Five years on, we still have fun together but I am acutely aware that the grief will revisit her often and its right that it does and that she is allowed to express it. She has also been very supportive to me many times- thats what friendship is. If you only want to talk with friends about light superficial stuff thats cool but personally, that sounds fake and rather disingenuous to me- more like a fair weather friend. Friendship should be fun absolutely, but if you cannot support each other through difficult times then I really dont see the point of it.

I’ve done it once to a woman I met at a baby group. She started out very warm and friendly but got so incredibly intense so quickly it became suffocating.

She went on to have another child less than a year later, but admitted they couldn’t afford another baby. Her mother did everything for her as she didn’t drive and I found it that she wanted me to start playing that role; always driving or doing little jobs for her.

The more time I spent with her the less I liked her. She swore in front of her DC regularly (and therefore mine) and nothing was ever her responsibility.

The last straw was when she got upset with me that I couldn’t drive and collect her DD to bring to my son’s birthday party, and then drive them back again afterwards.

I was ghosted by a good friend a while ago.
She eventually got back in touch and apologised for the radio silence. She explained that her marriage had been disintegrating in a hideous fashion and she just couldn't face either explaining what was happening or pretending all was normal.
Our friendship recovered

OP this is SO hurtful I really feel for you.
I've been ghosted as of a few weeks ago by a close friend of over 30 years and I'm really struggling with it.

I would never ever have thought this would happen to our friendship, it never occurred to me that it wouldn't last forever. We have worked through issues between us from time to time and our friendship always got through them. My friend felt like a sister to me. We have both supported each other through the hardest of times. And we share a sense of humour such that we usually laugh within 30 seconds of calling one another.

I have felt really angry and really sad. It's such a disrespectful way to behave to someone. I've had to accept that friendship takes two and you can't control how the other person decides to behave. I think it's likely (although of course cannot be sure) that this person will eventually get back in touch with me. It's been two months of silence now though, and the friendship for me is now irretrievably broken. I don't want to be friends again with someone who has caused me so much pain. I'm absolutely gutted that this has happened and she hasn't even told me why.

I am definitely grieving the relationship. I agree with PP who said that ghosting is abusive behaviour.

I would really like to tell her how the ghosting has affected me and to say that for me the friendship can never recover now. But my family and my counsellor advise to just ignore and move on. That's what I'm doing but it's so hard.

I was the faithful single friend. My best friend always had various boyfriends and even once.or twice went out with boys/men who were initially interested in me (who I'd decided I couldn't date for loyalty reasons because other friends liked them etc) I didn't have much luck with men in general and was treated very badly in a series of very short 'casual' relationships. In the meantime my friend dated lots, had kids of who I was made godmother to and got married. (To someone she thought she was too good for mind and they cheated on eachother loads) I then met my now husband and excitedly introduced him to my best friend as a one month boyfriend. He was polite and nice to her and she commented we seemed happy on the night.

After that night she ghosted me for two years. Turned the lights off when I turned up. Never saw goddaughters.

After I'd been with husband for ten or so years she remade contact but never really explained herself. Said she was in a bad place. Went out with her once where it was very clear she wasn't that interested in my life and wanted to be the 'main character'.

I decided to leave it and let her contact me. It's been 13 years. This is the girl I gave up friends in school for because they were unkind to her, did volunteering with and generally was a good friend to.

I can only assume she was jealous and one of those people that has to have others unhappy around her to feel superior. After all, she was fine when I was single or with abusers. She couldn't handle I had found love.

It was actually a good thing in the end because we came from different worlds and I found a lot of her decisions problematic (shoplifting, smoking when pregnant, drinking when pregnant)

But doesn't mean it didn't hurt.

Haven't read the whole thread and maybe your friend has a legitimate reason for dumping you, just thought it might help to know sometimes the reason can be they're sour for your happiness.

I agree ghosting is like abuse. My 'friend' gave me her reasons for ghosting me and they were that I wasn't showing respect for her by being interested in Covid vaccine conspiracy theories. I would try to humour her really but then would ask about her life, her family anything else. Because of this she ghosted me yet other friends who would not be interested she didn't. I felt like she was 'holding me to ransom' trying to get me to be interested out of fear of losing our friendship

I think it's become more common as people are generally more selfish than in the past.

The worst are the ones who do it but reappear later when they want something from you.

Could it be about her rather than you? It must really hurt regardless of reason.

I've really stepped back from a long term friend, she'd turned into a nasty, bitter vengeful person. It always backfired on her too, meaning she went into a woe is me spiral.

No I aren't ghosted anyone or had it done to me. Some friends have come and gone over the years, some have stuck but those I don't see any more are either because contact has faded on both sides or the mutual reason for the friendship is no longer there. There are some friends I don't contact regularly but every so often I will message and we arrange to meet up but with busy lives and a family that works for me. Now I am retired I have different friendship groups for different hobbies and only about 4 close friends I have known for 30/40 years. I think having just one or two intense friendships is quite a burden to put on them and you. I have my family, husband, children and grandchildren so finding time for lots of friends sounds hard work.

Maybe this friend is just wanting an easy relationship rather than you offloading all the time if that is what you did. Did you use to go out and have fun together or was it just chewing over all the problems in your lives?

Just wanted to say that Covid and lockdown has made me want to ghost all my close friends. I am not going to do that but all I want to do is work, play tennis and stay at home and do my own thing. I can’t be bothered maintaining my friendships or socialising at all anymore. I know it is horrible and I am fighting against this as I am not that selfish. But that is the truth. It is nothing against any of them, it is a me thing. Hoping the come out the other side of this. Sorry you are hurting. I think your friend is cruel not to just tell you what is going on.

The famous actor and Hollywood legend David Niven ghosted his long-term friend Trubshawe in later life. He felt his old mate was a bit negative, going on about the past and so on. But Niven was a social climber, he'd have Xmas Day with Noel Coward and his boyfriend every year - but when Coward died, the invitation was extended again by Coward's pal and his mate, but it was made clear that without 'the Master' there would be no-show.
Niven also had his own problems, his second marriage was awful, maybe he didn't have the bandwidth to cope with anything else.

Lennon sort of ghosted McCartney a bit in the 1970s. Macca would phone up and they'd chat but it was a bit one-way. One point he showed up impromptu and his New York apartment and Lennon turned him away, sort of grumbling that he couldn't just drop in when he felt like it.

Some people see old friendships as a bit like old clothes, you shouldn't be seen in the same old clothes past a certain age, you have to move on. I suppose at Christmas however we do get out the old photo albums and so on, the old tinsel and classic movies, but the rest of the year.

I wonder if they emigrated?

I was shocked at the number of folk of once they've decided Oz/NZ /california is their home now - they cut off ALL ties with their previous friends

🤔 did she elaborate when she said she was fine?

@CheeseIsMyPatronus I can't be someone else's Support Human all the time.

That's friendship though? As long as it's reciprocal