To think that ghosting a 30 year friendship is really fucking cruel

[Mumsfret1976]

I'm in the process of being ghosted from a very dear friend. Its so painful, I've spent months replaying conversations, things I could have said or done wrong. I've always done my best to be a good friend. Always been there to listen, to care. Always been interested in her DC. There's nothing I can pinpoint but after 2 years of slowly fading out of my life she's now cut me off.

I'm just left feeling confusing and hurt. I know it's out of my hands, I can't make someone want to be my friend anymore but she meant a lot to me. Its also come at a time of my own ill health and my dad's cancer diagnosis. She doesn't know about my Dad, I didn't want her to feel obliged to stay in my life if she didn't want to and she obviously doesn't.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you get over it? I do have a couple of others friends and DH, DC and my parents so I'm not on my own but no one will ever replace her.

tbh I ghosted a friend out of nowhere

we had been mates for years and then over time she just had nothing nice to say about me. You could tell she found me a real drag. Didn’t invite me to things, would just stop talking to me randomly, say we needed to go for a “catch up” but you could tell it was just so she could find out some goss to judge me for

then I just had a realisation that we didn’t actually need to be friends? I think I felt super ashamed like maybe I was such a crap person I deserved her shittiness; then was like “actually no I don’t”

just stopped replying to her
she still msgs me sporadically asking me how I am and what I’m up to and blah blah I don’t really reply
not sure if it’s through guilt or because it’s offended her that shitty old me doesn’t reply to her

but I don’t think I ever want to see her again

Dumping a friend for any reason is anyone's choice. Ghosting is despicable in my opinion

I ghosted a friend I had known for about 5 years. I had supported her through a lot, and was under a lot of pressure (caring for elderly parents, bullying at work). My friend had been through a serious illness and seemed to be taking out her bitterness about what was happening on me - funnily enough not when it was going on, but when she got better. As well as sniping at me, she would also constantly tell me she was glad she did have to do things I had to - like I would say I was stressed about remortgaging and she would say she was so glad she did not have to pay a mortgage any more. Which sounds silly, but was draining. The final straw was when we were talking about something at work and she went into a major character assassination attack on me. When I hung up I decided I would never put myself in that position ever again. I am not suggesting you were doing that, but maybe something you were saying touched a nerve? Or she was overloaded in the rest of her life and focussed that feeling on you? I am sorry its happening to you, I am not proud of how I handled things and wish I had talked to her honestly.

Can you contact some of her family and ask? My best friend stopped contacting me all of a sudden so I contacted her mum and asked why. It turned out I'd said something and she had took it up wrong and was offended. I hadn't meant it in that way and once I explained we were fine again.

Happened to us several years ago. Friends with another couple who were also our neighbours, did loads together, meals out, holidays ,parties.....
Even took them to IVF appointments....
After being really good friends for quite a few years, they suddenly started distancing themselves from us, to the point where they just about managed to say hello if we saw them outside. No arguments or fall outs had happened. In the end they put their house on the market- didn't tell us they were thinking about it ,we just saw the for sale sign go up. They moved without even saying goodbye, and within the space of a few hours had removed and blocked us, and any mutual friends we had from all social media.
We don't even know where they moved to.
It hurt a lot.....9 years later we still sometimes talk about it and wonder why.

I think there can sometimes be a problem with long term friendships in that there's no established way of ending them, like there is with relationships. I have a couple of friends where we've known each other 10+ years, and in that time I feel we've grown apart and don't have a lot in common anymore - it's not that I dislike them (in fact they're often some of my kindest and most caring friends), but for example if they were to move away and lose contact I wouldn't be particularly sad about it. Sometimes these relationships fade out naturally, presumably because the feeling's mutual, but other times they don't and we still see each other regularly.

It's not always the case that there's some concrete problem you can raise with the other person, like "you're too negative" or "you're always going on about your bloody dog and I really don't care". Sometimes it's more like a vague feeling that we both have a different outlook on life and I don't really know what to talk about with them - it's not that either of us has done anything wrong, I just don't have the feeling that we click anymore. And in that situation it's hard to know what to do. Trying to discuss it is likely to be awkward and painful for us both when I can't even properly articulate what the issue is - I mean, does it really hurt any less to be told out of the blue "you haven't done anything wrong, but I don't look forward to seeing you as much as I do other people, I can't explain why, and there's probably nothing you can do to fix it because it's just that your fundamental personality isn't what I'm looking for in a friend" than for someone to stop returning your calls with no explanation? So the other options are continuing to see them as though nothing's changed, or trying to unilaterally phase out the friendship in a way that resembles naturally drifting apart.

For me the former isn't a problem because I have a lot of free time and it's not as though I actively dislike seeing them, but I can see how it might become one under other circumstances, if I was busier, had less emotional availability due to personal circumstances or had a family I wanted to spend my free time with etc. In which case I understand why people ghost even though it's not a brave or kind thing to do. I think this is probably a factor in why so many people report having lost friends over the pandemic - some people took it as an opportunity to break off friendships they'd been keeping up partly out of habit, because they felt less guilty when they were forced by circumstances to break that habit for a while anyway.

In my own experience, when this does happen it's usually because of some long term incompatibility that was there in a small way from the start of the friendship but has become more pronounced with time, either because of changing circumstances or because people's personalities tend to become more set as we get older. All friendships are going to have those incompatibilities in some way, just because no two people are exactly the same, and I think it's difficult to predict which ones will overcome it. When I look back on who I'm friends with now vs a decade ago, some of the people I felt closest to then I haven't seen in years, and some of the ones I didn't expect to last are now among my best friends. If you can't think of anything you've done wrong then I very much doubt it's your fault, OP. It's just a (deeply sad and painful) part of life.

I have been going through this and even though I've had years to get used to it my heart is still a bit broken and I don't know what I've done. Probably nothing. Probably just grown apart, but a huge part of me wants to know why. What did I do? Am I awful? What changed?

Every birthday I hope they'll text me. They never do.

Part of me thinks I should say 'I'm going to delete your number because your very sporadic contact, usually only in reply to me, is just a bit upsetting really. I don't know if I did anything bad or if I'm just not particularly likeable any more, but it makes me sad that you don't even text to wish me merry Christmas or happy birthday any more.'

I won't ever send that.

The problem is that she will not seek guidance or parenting strategies for this kind of child. She needs to acknowledge that her way is not working and that she needs to adjust her parenting. What's the point of arguing over HW if she'll be mentally scarred from the treatment she gets.

Having a more placid older child seems to have made your DW resolute that it's the child not her fault. All children are different and you do have to parent them slightly differently. I read, How to talk so children listen and listen so children talk. I feel sorry for this child, her negative behaviour is probably for the attention she obviously craves.

If your wife and older child can't acknowledge their part in your DDs low self esteem then you might have to leave and take her with you.

Oops, wrong thread!

I don't think it's always so much that they don't want to be there for you but that they can't. I know I've had friends where we've both been under too much stress at the same time and haven't had the capacity to deal with the other person's stuff as well as our own. Lockdown with very young children being a key example! In my case, it got to the point where it was so long since we'd chatted that it felt awkward to initiate contact but when I finally plucked up the courage it was absolutely fine and we still get on great. What I'm trying to say is it might not be you and it could be worth sending the sporadic text to see if they reply when they're ready at which point you may find out why.

This was happening to me with a friend. I noticed her slowly edging me out over a period of time and it was so hurtful. I was going through my separation with dh and was probably a bit unstable, but i sent her a message ending the friendship. Seems a bit bizarre thing about it as I'm over 50! But it was just too upsetting and I wanted it over with. She sent me a Christmas card saying nice stuff and if I ever wanted to get back in touch etc, but even that felt a bit gaslighty as I know what she was doing.

It's not new as it happened to me in the mid 1980s. And it is very sad

Really close friend from school, kept in close contact at college as we were living nearby. Had a lovely day at her wedding one summer and then nothing, nada, zilch. I sent a Christmas card to her - no reply. Birthday card - no response. Wrote via her parents - nothing. repeated for a couple of years. Now this was a person who was a very keen letter & card writer - would send a thank you note for the smallest gift. never received a thank you for her wedding present. And I have never heard from her again. I knew she was moving to the other side of the country after her marriage so couldn't visit / bump into her. Checked with 2 other close friends (we would go around as a group) and they hadn't heard from her either. This was coming up 40 years ago and it still hurts. I have been known to trawl social media for her - with no success.

I've had other friends I drifted away from but the feeling there are very different from a complete cut off.

Similar thing happened to me...we were so close, heard each other's secrets and supported each other through some really tough times..we laughed and cried..she was a truly awesome friend. Following my divorce I moved away with my now husband - it seemed to be her cue to end our friendship- she came with us to help move into our new home and that was it...no response to letters. When I rang it all seemed fine but she didn't ring me and it all just fizzled out. Forty years on I'm still confused and sad but I haven't dwelt on it overly..what's the point?
She was there for me and I for her for a specific period of our lives which benefitted us both - end of.

To those who have posted about ghosting - why would you not message the person? If you’ve already decided that you don’t want the friendship anymore and you’ve no desire to see/speak to them again then why not tell them that? The worst that can happen is they stop speaking to you surely (and that’s what you want?). You could even block them after the message so you don’t have to deal with a reply but at least they know where they stand. I appreciate the awkwardness of it but it just seems to be unnecessarily cruel to leave somebody wondering what went wrong.

I’m currently in a situation where friend A (out of a group of 5-6 of us) is ghosting friend B. This all started after we (all) had a chat with A re a decision she was making that was worrying us all. For some reason she’s fine with the rest of us but has been ghosting B ever since. The frustrating thing is she’s not willing to acknowledge it/tell any of us what B did in particular. To be honest A is now being perceived as a bit of a passive aggressive bully because of it and most of us don’t view her friendship in the same way. We’re all grownups, sometimes you just need to have an awkward conversation.

Nobody is entitled to friendship and you shouldn’t stay friends with people if you don’t want to/you don’t gain anything from the relationship but surely (if you’ve had any good times with somebody at all) the kindest thing to do is to at least let them know, even if it’s a “sorry I’ve not been in touch but I feel like we’re growing apart and I need to take a step back from this friendship” type message.

Im sorry to say I did this cold Turkey to a friend that I hold very dear.

I will always admire and respect her. She is one of the funniest, wittiest, brightest people. But she has always needed a lot of support having come from a very rough upbringing (her parents were rich but negligent).

Over lockdown she became increasingly negative and seemed to be on a downward spiral that was dragging me down too. She was lashing out and me and taking things out on me despite me being the only one standing up for her. She was keeping dodgy company and engaging in erratic behaviours with some unsavoury characters. I felt like I had reached the limit of help I could give and she refused to seek professional help.

She was hurt, but I still think it was the right choice. I invited her to my wedding earlier this year after 2 yrs of silence (I wasn’t planning to but in the end couldn’t bear not to as she had meant so much to me). She actually did come (overseas wedding) and seems to be doing much better.

That sounds very sad.

All I would say is it’s not about you - it’s about her. This is not to say she doesn’t love you, but for whatever reason she needs or wants to draw a line under this section of her life.

It’s natural to grieve so let yourself do that. And when you are able work on appreciating what she brought to your life. You might want something around the house to remind you of the friendship and celebrate it for what it was.

I know I can be a bit blunt at times, but honest to God would you not just tell people straight that you’re not going to text them anymore or whatever.

I’m really stunned at the number of people openly admitting to doing this when it’s clear from those on the receiving end that it’s incredibly painful.

You could have explained to her what you were doing and why though. That would have been kinder, and it sounds like you were well able to do it.

I was ghosted by a long term friend two years ago. We used to speak weekly but she stopped responding to my calls and messages.
I know why as she posted in a group we were both in on FB complaining about me (without naming me). She then left the group.
She had form for cutting people off. I should have realised she could do it to me as well.

Of course I tried explaining and talking to her her many times. She couldn’t be reasoned with. Cold Turkey ghosting was obviously a last option after 11 years of friendship.

I've drifted apart from people I've known over fifty years. I don't have space in my head for anything other than the specifics of daily life. They might feel ghosted. It would be helpful if they just thought 'Oh, Stop has a lot on nowadays.'

I think this is good advice. It’s understandable why you’ve tried to think of something that you might have said etc but it could just as well be something going on in her life.

She will have her reasons and whatever they are they are probably not to do with you OP. If she’s a lovely person don’t burn any bridges now and she may return. If she is not a lovely person then she’s doing you a favour and you can move on with your life.
I also think ‘best friends’ is a bit unusual in adult life so if I was you I wouldn’t feel in any way second best to the friendship that she’s ended, as long as you have some other mates around you that you like and who like you. Good luck with it.

I’ve ghosted someone who was an ‘old friend’ but also a bully and highly manipulative and if I had had the conversation directly with them about ending the friendship then it would have escalated into high drama with me being forced to continue this negative ‘friendship’ because they relied on me for their narcissistic supply and it made them look bad for me to end it. So I disagree that ghosting is never right. Sometimes people make it so that it’s the only real way out of a relationship.

I had to take a break from a long time friend. I had had a pregnancy loss and she spent the entire time I saw her talking about other people's babies/pregnancies.
When I came back from seeing her I actually had to go to bed for 2 days (sounds v dramatic but I was completely drained).
She has no idea and thinks I stepped back as a result of something else (she was quite rude about something else, think arriving somewhere late, missing a show)
She has continued to make an effort with me and our friendship is slowly recovering