To think that ghosting a 30 year friendship is really fucking cruel

[Mumsfret1976]

I'm in the process of being ghosted from a very dear friend. Its so painful, I've spent months replaying conversations, things I could have said or done wrong. I've always done my best to be a good friend. Always been there to listen, to care. Always been interested in her DC. There's nothing I can pinpoint but after 2 years of slowly fading out of my life she's now cut me off.

I'm just left feeling confusing and hurt. I know it's out of my hands, I can't make someone want to be my friend anymore but she meant a lot to me. Its also come at a time of my own ill health and my dad's cancer diagnosis. She doesn't know about my Dad, I didn't want her to feel obliged to stay in my life if she didn't want to and she obviously doesn't.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you get over it? I do have a couple of others friends and DH, DC and my parents so I'm not on my own but no one will ever replace her.

Actually @Mintleafcocktail we had been good friends for a few years. But when her life got difficult, she started to use me as her emotional punching bag and I excused it at first because of what was going on for her. I knew it didnt feel good but it was not until a mutual friend took me aside after she witnessed an interaction to reflect on how bad it was. I would have liked to have ended it in a cleaner way. But sometimes there is only so much you can do.

I've only ever ghosted one friend when I was younger. Went through school together, best friends for 11 years. I realised one day at 21 that I was making bad choices, and while they were my choices, they always happened when I was with her.

I wish I could have sat down with her to take her through why I made the decision to end the friendship, but I couldn't. I had to put myself first.

14 years on our lives have gone such different ways. It was the right decision at the right time for me.

Could she be withdrawing due to her own physical/ mental health problems/ family stresses, etc. rather than that she has a problem with you? Do you know if she's in touch with other people?

I’ve done it - I had a friend through Covid and we would meet up a lot for walks, but she was basically using me as her counsellor and I felt mentally exhausted and worse after every meeting. Her boyfriend was a narcissist, her cousin was a narcissist, her dog was a narcissist, it was exhausting. We never laughed, it was always serious and deep. Then she suddenly announced “There’s nothing keeping me here, I’m moving 5 hours away” (which I thought was fucking rude to say, as being close to friends is one of the reasons I’d never leave the South East). I was sad initially but then realised how much lighter/better I feel now she’s not here and I’ve filled my life with really positive things and new hobbies.

She texts me occasionally but I hate texting & virtual friendships, for me if you can’t meet regularly in person there’s no point. I just send vague generic replies and hope she gets the message and moves on. I don’t think telling her “you’re incredibly negative and draining to be around” will be helpful or kind.

This happened to me a couple of years ago. It wasn't my oldest and best friend but a v v good one in my eyes. When we could have a day out together we would go somewhere special and have an amazing time, I looked forward to seeing her and told her everything about my life. The slow fade started about 3 years ago and I noticed that year she no longer replied straightaway to messages or called me back quickly. Then two years ago I contacted her to ask whether she wanted to meet up for our Christmas night out and she never replied. I was heartbroken it probably was the worst Christmas ever, felt devastated. I think in our case my friend had a lot of v v good friends and I was one of many. My friend knew we were planning on moving an hour away at some point (we did that this summer) so I wondered whether that had had something to do with it but I never would have gone out of touch, I thought we would always be friends. My friend has always posted a lot on fb so I know she is okay. But our friendship clearly meant so much more to me. OP it is sad but one way friendships are pointless and eventually you will find better.

To those who have posted about ghosting - why would you not message the person?

Dear X,

Your rant during yesterday's phone call was the last straw for me and I am ending our friendship. I know we've been pals for 25 years, but I've reflected on our friendship over this time and realised that I don't actually like you much and probably never really have. I guess I just kept it going out of habit, and because our mothers are friends. But in reality you are a sulky, spiteful, selfish and jealous person, who has to be shamed into buying a round or sharing your cigarettes while taking from everyone else, and you have the nerve to complain that I didn't call you often enough even though you rarely called me, just complained about your phone bill. You haven't a kind word to say about anyone, and you rubbish anything new I get because you didn't think of it first. I have many nice, kind friends to spend my time with and I don't need your dark cloud hanging over me.

It's over, sweet cheeks.

Would that have been better than ghosting? Yes, she would certainly never have spoken to me again (result!) but is honesty always the best policy?

As it turned out, it took her over a year to notice as she never called me except to berate me for not calling her, which is why she eventually phoned my mum's house, but I had moved out by then (25 years ago now). My mum said she'd get me to phone her but I never did. Why would I? To say the above?

OP, please don't assume your friend thinks like this, but as you will see from this thread, lots of people vanish out of the lives of their friends and it's not always a reflection on the friend. For some people it's a way of coping with some trauma, others many feel their lives have just drifted apart.

As a PP said, there is no established etiquette for ending a friendship where there is no obvious falling out, But I'm not sure if being honest is always the way forward. Ditto lying. Ghosting feels kinder when your doing it, but I appreciate from the threads that appear here that's not how the receiver views it.

Concentrate on the friends who like and appreciate you OP, they're the ones of value.

If you’re replying at all it’s not ghosting.

I wish there was some magic formula I could give you op for getting over this sort of thing, but the truth is, it's likely to be painful for a long time.
I've been ghosted, by two people I considered very important to me, they both came to my wedding, we went away together, we worked together. It started to change when I became pregnant. They just simply weren't interested. One of them childless and carefree, one of them a mum to 4 but hers were much older. I'll admit that I talked about the baby a lot. I was excited. A swift "alright Nova give it a rest, what else is new" would have been sufficient. Instead, they went on holiday without me, and sent me a really nasty message when they were there. I was crushed, but ultimately I hadn't done much to deserve it! They didn't get in touch throughout the pandemic, birthdays, Xmas etc. We all still work in the same building so it's not like meeting for coffee would of been hard.
I can barely look at my hen party or wedding pictures anymore, we are all in them, hugging and smiling. It's awful.

Unlike death, there's no clear cut reason why someone isn't in your life anymore. With death there's an answer, a reason, and it's not your fault. The wound is open, and you attempt to work through what you know is grief.

With ghosting, there's nothing but a wound that you can't attempt to heal as you don't truly know what caused it. You don't know what ointment to use. So it continues to weep, cracking open occasionally causing pain.

It's rubbish and I'm sorry it happened to you in such a long friendship.

This happened to me. I was in contact with her DH for a while after, and he said she was doing it with a few people. Then he ghosted me, too, although hasn’t blocked me on FB. No idea what happened there, even though I asked, and told her I missed her.

A friend (also of about 30 years) blocked me on FB.

I can only think that it could be that I am somewhat "politically correct" at times?

It's a shame as over the years we have shared so many drunken nights when we've got up to all sorts of mischief. We've laughed and cried together and know things about each other that nobody else knows!

I was very hurt when she first blocked me but I now think "well sod you"!

Well yes I’m still replying, but not with much enthusiasm or detail. The other thing is we have nothing in common - we don’t work at the same job anymore and in Covid only walking was legal so we did a lot of that, but in real life I like going out/house festivals/days out in London whereas she is into wild camping/dogs/meditation which are polar opposites. We’d have nothing to talk about apart from her problems for 2 hours. I admit I am a coward though and hate awkward upfront conversations.

A friend did this to me nearly nine years ago and it still hurts.

I think ghosting is awful, but prob receiving a text saying basically, 'I don't want to be friends' is just as bad. Unless people are prepared to explain the rejection - which often they want to avoid, as honesty will lead to confrontation - you're still left hanging, not understanding stuff.

Well yes I’m still replying, but not with much enthusiasm or detail.

Yes, but that’s just bland civility rather than ghosting. The difference if you’re on the receiving end is huge.

(To be clear it’s good that you’re being polite.)

My childhood best friend did this to me after 37 years. We've been through everything together and she yjtew it away over Covid and lockdown. She's become obsessed with it and somehow blames me for it all. She was my bridesmaid and started ghosting mr in the run up to the wedding. Eventually we started talking and agreed to move on the she started it up again and I asked her to stop and she had a go at me and left it there. She refuses to engage with me on SM and sent me a voice note a couple of months ago saying she hasn't fallen out with me but can't be interested in my life when I'm not interested in the things that matter to her. And she needs to distance herself and she can't stand back and see me get hurt from the vaccine etc. I've not even had a vaccine since that 3rd one and still have no idea what she thinks I'm meant to have done but it's her problem. I 'liked' a picture of her dd the other day because I'm not childish and pathetic but I'm thinking of unfriending her. DH said leave it.

And her reason for the ghosting was that I wasn't paying attention to her messages about Covid being a lie, vaccines are evil etc.

It's horrible, OP, and I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.

If you're wondering whether you've been offloading too much and she might be feeling drained, perhaps leave it for now and send her a positive New Year's text in January and suggest doing something fun together - not getting together for a coffee as she might think you need a good moan (!) but doing something you both enjoy.

I've supported my local BFF through an awful divorce and subsequent difficulties (as she has me) but we try to have fun together as well - wine-tasting dinner once (you can imagine what that was like 😂), going to the theatre or cinema, being each other's plus-one at events, etc. You need some positivity in addition to the long supportive phone calls. She's been propping me up recently regarding caring for my elderly Dad, I'm sure she's sick of hearing about everything, but we're going out together next week to have a laugh as well.

Has something changed in her life, new partner, new friend, etc, that could be affecting her attitude?

So sorry. I was ghosted by one of my closest friends. A year ago. I sobbed. I was so upset. Still am. I've seen her since. Nodded my head. So painful. I'm afraid I don't have any advice. It gets easier.

I’ve done this too.
Realised my friend wasn’t actually that support and extremely judgemental. Final straw was when she told me I was selfish and to pull myself together after I was suicidal and admitted to calling the Samaritans.

Totally ignored her and feel better for it.

Ghosting feels kinder when your doing it, but I appreciate from the threads that appear here that's not how the receiver views it

I disagree. I don’t think it’s kinder at all, I think it’s easier for the ghoster and that’s why they do it- for their own convenience, not out of some selfless regard for the other person.

Ghosting out of concern someone might become aggressive or nasty is understandable but most times in these threads there is simply complete bewilderment because the ghostee has been a good friend to the ghoster so it leaves you always wondering what you did “wrong”.

I think my friend did it to get attention from me

This happened to me, I know why thou. Her partner got drunk and made a horrific misogynic attack on a mutual friend who had suffered severe domestic abuse. He called her really unpleasant names and basically showed me who he was. Friend said nothing. I said I wasn't having it and left. They never spoke to me again.

"ghosting is awful, but prob receiving a text saying basically, 'I don't want to be friends' is just as bad."

No. Just no. Please don't ever do it. Ghosting is such an awful terrible thing to do to someone. It's incredibly abusive. It's an abuse of power. Selfish. It's below par morally. Really awful. Please don't. And don't compare it it to sending a text. It's not.