To think that ghosting a 30 year friendship is really fucking cruel

[Mumsfret1976]

I'm in the process of being ghosted from a very dear friend. Its so painful, I've spent months replaying conversations, things I could have said or done wrong. I've always done my best to be a good friend. Always been there to listen, to care. Always been interested in her DC. There's nothing I can pinpoint but after 2 years of slowly fading out of my life she's now cut me off.

I'm just left feeling confusing and hurt. I know it's out of my hands, I can't make someone want to be my friend anymore but she meant a lot to me. Its also come at a time of my own ill health and my dad's cancer diagnosis. She doesn't know about my Dad, I didn't want her to feel obliged to stay in my life if she didn't want to and she obviously doesn't.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you get over it? I do have a couple of others friends and DH, DC and my parents so I'm not on my own but no one will ever replace her.

Yes, its happened to me and actually, its fairly common when i googled it. Unlike PP said, I am not a negative person (quite the opposite actually), Ive never banged on constantly about myself or my problems and ive always been supportive of others in friendships so there really was no explanation I could think of for them to ghost me so out of the blue. I since found out that they have done it to multiple other people too so I now know this is a pattern for them. Having pondered it for quite a while, I dont feel I need closure because any decent friend would have been honest about why they were less available. Ghosting is cruel and unkind behaviour and its indicative to me of a certain type of flaky/unreliable/ fair weather friend type character that I actually dont want in my life anyway. I'm sorry you are hurting but this behaviour says everything about them and nothing about you. Move on and make new friends.

To those who have posted about ghosting - why would you not message the person?

In my case, I don't think she'd understand. I've tried and tried hinting, redirecting, changing my response and nothing seems to get through. And I'm not sure I want to say we can never, ever be friends again because we've been friends since we were teenagers and I just hope that maybe she'll change back to the person who was my best friend for decades at some point? I am not able to engage now, but I'm not ready to draw the line either.

I absolutely hate ghosting. I think it's one of the most heartless and wimpish ways to reduce a friendship.

She should have been honest with you. Yes, it can be awkward and hurt, but at least you'd know where you stood and why it happened. Especially after being friends for so long. Does she really think it's ok to treat you like this?

My advice is to either get over it and blame her (easier said than done, obviously) or come out and ask her. Tell her that it's hurting you and you need closure. That, however awkward it is for her to say, you are ready and deserve to hear the real reason.

I've been ghosted before by new friends, so less hurtful, but it really has affected my confidence. Only cowards ghost friends.

Well hinting and redirecting isn't good enough is it? It clearly didn't help her see the problem.

You wimped out and took the easy way out, irrespective of the impact on her. You weren't a good friend either, obviously.

And I highly doubt she'd forgive your ghosting, so your last few sentences are pointless. You should have just had integrity and told her straight.

Absolutely one of the most agonising experiences for me . Met in 1994. Godparents to my kids. Moved to different places but made huge efforts to connect both together and as families. In 2010 it became really difficult to get a response., Husband would say she was unavailable if I rang, etc. Lots of mental leaps to think what could have happened. We then went through a really horrific experience, in our family.... it was a dreadful year. They did send flowers at one point but I wrote back and said thanks and that we wanted/needed was them. No response. I continued to send cards, birthday presents, Christmas,etc Suddenly she got in contact in 2011. We met up, it was so hard but I was totally committed to working things through because their friendship meant so much. She basically said that there wasn't a problem with me, that she had been struggling with her mental health, relationships, historical stuff, etc. The difficulty was that she seemed to take issue with the fact that it had been really painful for us including for our children. Sort of said well why would losing your best friend be a problem and found it difficult to hear it had been difficult. Met another time and although committed to it, after that I didn't hear from her and she didn't respond to messages etc. It was as painful all over again. I think it has proved to be one of the most painful experiences in my life and I have had a few! Like grief, I am not sure 'you get over it' . I think taking time to acknowledge it, the pain, when it really is difficult and see it as a loss is important. I miss her...them. If you can have counselling I would do that.

To those who have posted about ghosting - why would you not message the person? If you’ve already decided that you don’t want the friendship anymore and you’ve no desire to see/speak to them again then why not tell them that?

Because based on her behaviour to that point she would have been even more attacking and aggressive and since we worked together and I was already being bullied (got the union involved in the end who supported me with getting that sorted) I just did not have the energy for it. As I said, I have always felt bad about it. I have been ghosted too, so know it is painful. But sometimes you just dont have the energy to do things the way you would ideally like to. Which echoes an earlier point - OP it may be more about her life than you.

Happened to me, albeit not a 30 year friendship. My only explanation is that her friends didn’t take to me, and as she hung out almost exclusively with them at that point it wasn’t much of a decision for her. I moved on, but the pang of rejection was real.

Not ghosting, but a long-standing friend of mine fell out with me and I know exactly that horrible feeling of constantly thinking about them and missing them.

What worked for me was realising that I was so absorbed in the one that got away I was neglecting the people who did appreciate me.

I ended up meeting a wonderful new friend, who has been a treasure ever since.

I'm so sorry OP, this must be so hard.

I'm sorry to say I've been the ghoster - because I just couldn't take anymore. Any little crises friend had I was summoned to help or sort, I was the fixer and advice giver. Very little time was actually invested in my wellbeing by them. Then covid happened, I had kids and I realised that all my emotional energy was drained by friend and I actually had no more to give. Friend was combative and bitchy about other people, things always happened to them, they were never an active participant in it and I just couldn't take it anymore.

And the reason I ghosted without saying anything - if I had, I would have come away much worse. Friend was vicious about people confronting them. I look back now and wonder whatever drew us together - probably similar SOH but it wasn't enough to keep the friendship going. I'm maxed out.

Because based on her behaviour to that point she would have been even more attacking and aggressive and since we worked together and I was already being bullied (got the union involved in the end who supported me with getting that sorted

If this person regularly attacked you in an aggressive manner and bullied you then thats not a friend is it? We are talking about ghosting by people we considered proper friends so this isnt really applicable. Most normal people wouldnt react by punching someone who told them kindly that a friendship was ending.

To those who have posted about ghosting - why would you not message the person?

In my case I did. Sent a couple of unanswered texts, then finally “are you ghosting me?” Seems a bit pathetic now, but they were read and unanswered so clearly it was “yes”.

Ask her

This is such a painful thing to go through OP. It happened to me about 3 years ago after a 15 year friendship and am pretty sure I know the reason why she broke off the friendship (to do with her family, I don't think I did anything wrong) but I wish she had have told me. She didn't turn up to my wedding and never heard from her since. So she decided to ghost me rather than be honest.

I was really angry to begin with, but now I am at peace with it, I have a photo of us on my phone which I look at sometimes and remember the lovely memories we have and what we did for each other.

I hope you manage to find peace

Have you tried asking? If she was a good friend and it’s over - there’s nothing to loose by asking.
if she doesn’t reply then you have your answer - she’s changed, she’s can’t be bothered - then you know it’s nothing you have said or done - and perhaps easier to move on from?

That’s not ghosting, unless they’re explicitly contacting you and you’re deliberately not replying.

I could have written your post. Unfortunately, the ‘friend’ is also my next door neighbour which has made it even harder. Like you, there was no argument or falling out, just a gradual withdrawal (although she does have form for dropping people when they stopped being useful, I just never thought she’d do it to me). Like other posters have said, you can’t help but wonder what you might have done to cause a rift, but I know I have only ever been supportive and understanding towards her - even when her own family have despaired at her behaviour. Nevertheless, it’s been hard and I felt quite bitter about it until, quite recently, I learned that she’s had a terrible year (car accident and illness) and all I felt was huge relief that I’m not being dragged back into all the drama. Still sad, though.

My mother died.

I rang my friend of 38 years, when I rang two days later she said she hadn't received the midnight call, she came to the funeral.

I haven't heard from her since.

Second time she has let me down, so it is her loss IMO.

Sorry to hear about your Dad and sorry you are hurting.

I have never ghosted someone who I've known that long but I have ghosted people before and it has always been for one of two reasons:

One is, the relationship is entirely on their terms. E.g. If they're rich we eat at expensive places I can't really afford, jump into taxis when I'd usually walk, and I don't want to constantly have to explain, 'I can't afford this/don't choose to spend what money I have in this way') every time we meet, or take long, expensive train journeys to their home town when they never ever come out to the countryside to visit me, so I just reduce contact.

The other reason is that they are really draining all the time. I am a sounding board for them to moan at, bitch at, monologue at while I walk or sip my drink beside them feeling more and more invisible. There's usually a breezy, 'So how are you and your lot doing?' which is coupled by a glance at their phone or the clock so they can believe we caught up with each other's news but the truth is they have sucked every drop of energy from me and then trot off feeling the lightness of having off-loaded. And I know if I had ever expected or demanded even one 10th of that degree of attention from them, even once, they'd have felt used.

Be really honest with yourself. Have you used the friendship to just dump your problems? Have you assumed she is fine because she doesn't problem dump? Have you got an internal emotional clock which tells you, 'We've talked enough about me, it's her turn for attention now' or 'That's enough gloom for one day, let's steer the Conversation towards something more positive'?

Have you phoned her in the last year to meet up because you want to see a show together, or go to an exhibition or a comedy gig or concert or to do a charity bike run or go wild swimming - something actually fun? Or do you only call to meet for coffee or wine so you can talk in circles around insoluable problems? What are you offering her in terms of a sustaining, happy friendship? I'm not saying you are guilty of being an emotional vampire but it's easy to get into the habit of thinking 'close friendship = offloading and it doesn't.

I guess it depends why she's done it. I've done it to someone I was friends with for 35 years. She always had right wing tendencies but I didn't notice how offensive her views were when we were young, or I did but made allowances because she could be so much fun.

Then as we got older, she got worse and I got better informed. All her conversation is about immigrants and benefit scroungers. I tried changing the subject, I tried telling her my own views, I tried point blank telling her I find her view offensive and can we talk about something else, but nothing helped and in the end I just stopped returning her calls/messages.

I do feel bad about it, but I'm also happy that I did the right thing.

I ghosted someone before ghosting was a thing. It wasn't particularly a conscious decision I just started to avoid her. There were always elements of her personality that I struggled with but she was a lot of fun & we often had a great time together.

What I didn't like was her worst bits started to bring out the worst in me if that makes sense & I didn't like that aspect.

However we had spoken over the years about things that would annoy me so it's not like it was a huge shock.

And in answer to the question: why did I not tell my friend?

I hadn't the emotional energy. She has a massive tendency to make everything about her - if you buy a car, she knows someone who has one too. It you graduate with a 2:1 she graduated with a first. If you're pregnant she's seen a tv show about pregnancy.
She also is extremely insecure and tbh, the conversation about her behavior towards me would probably have led her into a (non clinical) depression.
So it was easier to just let the friendship slide and look after my own metal health

It did happen to me, it was based on a short interaction with her new partner that she took offence to (no offence meant). I asked her at the time what the issue was, and explained that what she thought happened actually hadn't, but that if any offence was caused I was sorry, but she wouldn't have it.

It bothered me for a long time, especially since I'd been a big help to her when she had her dc. I even said hello to her once when I saw her in the street and and she made a horrible comment.

Then, another ten years later she turned up to an event I was at, approached me and apologised, saying she knew she was totally out of order. I accepted the apology and if I see her I'm friendly, but we will never be close friends again.

Have you asked her outright what the problem is?

They might have tried...😟

Also one of my family members suffers from bad depression. When they have a bad time they go very low contact, don't want to go out. It's not about other people but about them not being able to cope with social stuff. I completely understand why they have lost friends over it though as people stop inviting once they've had too many no's. i'm happy though to pick up where we left over even if she's avoided me for months, she does come back & appreciates I don't close the door.

Well, fair enough, I suppose. I wish I was as forthright and brilliant at handling things as you clearly are, but I'm just not.