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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I should go to the gym more so I can carry my child

117 replies

Mamma5464 · 16/12/2022 14:47

My 5yo DS has SEN and PDA so it can be a struggle to be out with him - he's so close to meltdowns sometimes, so we try to keep demands low. This means carrying him about around often. I used baby and toddler carriers until he was almost 4yo.

DH is tall and strong and can manage no problem. I'm 5'2 and struggle to carry all 20kg of him for more than 5-10 mins.

DH keeps saying I should work out to carry him. This seems ridiculous to me - the amount of time I'd have to spend in the gym to carry him for slightly longer, and I'd have to keep up with him growing up.

I do have access to a basic gym and a gym membership but I hate working out on my own. I go to classes but because of work I can't make it more than once a week. I do think I should go and do more weight bearing work for my own health, but the amount of time I need to spend there, when I have a SEN child and no respite apart from husband who goes to the gym, runs and plays football 5 days a week, to make a marginal gain in muscle mass and carry him for 5 more minutes, seems like a poor use of time.

YABU - I should go to the gym so I can carry a 5yo for more than 10 mins

YANBU - the gym will make a difference

OP posts:
LordEmsworth · 16/12/2022 14:50

Well yes, training at the gym with a specific focus will make you stronger.

All you need to do is get your husband to tell you which of his gym sessions he's going to give up, to allow you to go. 5 would be fab but you could compromise on 3. Make sure you need enough time for a coffee afterwards, recovery is important. If he declines then smile and say, well there's not much I can do without your support on this one, it's a shame you're not willing to help.

bruisinghelp · 16/12/2022 14:52

You DH is absolutely ridiculous. But I would take him up on the offer of having your child while you go to gym. Go and enjoy the break!

Whee · 16/12/2022 14:53

It's not sustainable as he grows is it? I consider myself pretty strong but by there are Y2 age children I couldn't carry for more than a few paces.

Winterflorals · 16/12/2022 14:53

LordEmsworth · 16/12/2022 14:50

Well yes, training at the gym with a specific focus will make you stronger.

All you need to do is get your husband to tell you which of his gym sessions he's going to give up, to allow you to go. 5 would be fab but you could compromise on 3. Make sure you need enough time for a coffee afterwards, recovery is important. If he declines then smile and say, well there's not much I can do without your support on this one, it's a shame you're not willing to help.

I really hate these childish responses.

OP, YANBU. Obviously you don’t need a ‘smiley’ PA response like the one above, just what you’ve said in your OP is fine. The problem is that he isn’t trying to help you. That’s not on.

LimeTwists · 16/12/2022 14:54

You should go to the gym to develop your strength for all-round benefit, not solely to carry a child for ten minutes. 20kg is quite a lot to carry for your height but if you can do then you’ll benefit in all sorts of ways. I weight train and I used to be the only woman in my office with the strength to lift a full big water cooler bottle to replace it, which was ridiculous!

mrstea301 · 16/12/2022 14:54

The gym will make a difference, for your own well-being if nothing else, but I would absolutely be asking my husband to cut his football down to no more than 2 nights a week to accommodate my going to the gym. Unless he's a professional football player and being paid for it, why on earth is he playing five times a week?!?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 16/12/2022 14:55

Winterflorals · 16/12/2022 14:53

I really hate these childish responses.

OP, YANBU. Obviously you don’t need a ‘smiley’ PA response like the one above, just what you’ve said in your OP is fine. The problem is that he isn’t trying to help you. That’s not on.

Show quote history

Well, I agree with the one you’re replying to. Except if it were my husband, he wouldn’t be getting a smile about it, he’d be getting a blistering attack on why I can’t go to the gym more because he monopolises all the leisure time.

parietal · 16/12/2022 14:59

go to the gym to get a break from the kids and let DH mind them

but this is NOT the solution to caring for your child. You and DH will not be able to keep carrying him when he is 6 or 8 or 10 years. So he will have to learn to walk and walk sensibly one day. Kids learn new things more easily when young, so the sooner you start on 'teaching obedient walking' the better. That will probably mean putting up with a few tantrums and doing some close behaviour management, but much better to do that now than in 3 years time when your child is bigger and stronger and finds it harder to learn.

FavouriteDogMug · 16/12/2022 15:01

Personally I think you might hurt yourself if you try to carry him when he is too heavy for you. If you lift weights you have to do it with good form to avoid injury, but if you are lifting and carrying a child for long periods you are not likely to keep up the good positioning the whole time. So if he is a bit heavy now it may be better to look for an alternative to carrying him, rather than trying to increase your strength.

BabyofMine · 16/12/2022 15:02

Did you know Tula do a preschool carrier so you can carry a child up to I think 30kg? Might be worth checking out if YOU like the idea

But overall I do think your husband is being absolutely ludicrous. Wouldn’t you be better looking into a special needs stroller going forward to give him a safe space when you are out and about?

Needarest22 · 16/12/2022 15:03

Surely you will injure your back carrying a tantruming 5 year old. Your dh is being a goady fucker.

Starlightstarbright1 · 16/12/2022 15:05

I have a child with asd.. i believe pda but not diagnosed here..

However he is now 15... not a chance i could move him anywhere against my will.

I would say you need time out.. so go to the gym and relax if they have a spa area

Namenic · 16/12/2022 15:06

@Mamma5464 - it’s not good for your joints to have to carry such a large load. My mum had to have a knee replacement due to osteoarthritis and I can tell my knees might go the same way. I want to get physio to tell me the right muscles to strengthen, BUT I also want to reduce the type of actions that will put excess strain on my joints (including carrying heavy loads, high impact exercises).

So gym is good for appropriate exercises, BUT carrying large weights (like a 4-5year old) may do you long term damage - so be careful. You will be more susceptible to injury than your DH - because it is likely that your child is a smaller proportion of your body weight and men have greater muscle and bone mass.

ratmatazz · 16/12/2022 15:06

Tell your DH to fuck right off

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2022 15:08

LordEmsworth · 16/12/2022 14:50

Well yes, training at the gym with a specific focus will make you stronger.

All you need to do is get your husband to tell you which of his gym sessions he's going to give up, to allow you to go. 5 would be fab but you could compromise on 3. Make sure you need enough time for a coffee afterwards, recovery is important. If he declines then smile and say, well there's not much I can do without your support on this one, it's a shame you're not willing to help.

Basically, this

Sartre · 16/12/2022 15:09

It will obviously make you stronger but your DC will continue getting bigger and at your height, it actually won’t matter how often you lift weights at the gym because he will just completely outgrow you. I’m 5 inches taller than you and I can’t carry my 4 year old for very long, he’s just too heavy and I do lift weights 3 times a week.

KirstenBlest · 16/12/2022 15:09

@Mamma5464 , I'm not sure if you are very muscly but at 5'2" isn't 20kg about two fifths of your body weight?
The maximum weight that a woman should handle manually in the workplace is 16kg.

Starlightstarbright1 · 16/12/2022 15:09

Sorry pressed send too soon. You need to find a way not to carry. We have had sit down meltdowns on pavement/ supermarket.. its not fun but it is finding another way

Rinatinabina · 16/12/2022 15:10

When I started doing beginner shred I found it much easier to carry DD (18kg). But tbh it’s not sustainable and your DH needs to give you time in the day to look after yourself too even if looking after yourself means lying down in a dark room. Tbh it’s a goady response from him isn’t it

Ohtheweatheroutsideistoocold · 16/12/2022 15:10

Given female soldiers (so very fit and strong) get more muscoskeletal injuries from heavy loads than male soldiers there is only so much you can do

However you are right that building your strength will be good for your overall health

What would probably be better for your long term physical and mental health is a DH who is around more not abandoning you constantly

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/12/2022 15:10

You need a much larger conversation about self-care, balance and time. If he gets gym, running and football, how much child-free time does he get? And how much so you get?

Once you have the same time, maybe you will choose to spend some of it working out, for you. But he's not your PT or manager so he doesn't get to assign tasks.

Blondlashes · 16/12/2022 15:11

Hi Op. you said your DH does this each week:
goes to the gym, runs and plays football 5 days a week
How one does this take door to door and are you getting the same free time ? To spend as you choose.
that’s the crux of the matter here.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/12/2022 15:12

Why does your husband get so much time away from home? That's bullshit. I wouldn't be having that.

AngelontopoftheTree · 16/12/2022 15:13

Your child is only going to get bigger, you need another solution.

squidgybits · 16/12/2022 15:14

what a selfish, self absorbed tosser!