DH thinks I should go to the gym more so I can carry my child

[Mamma5464]

My 5yo DS has SEN and PDA so it can be a struggle to be out with him - he's so close to meltdowns sometimes, so we try to keep demands low. This means carrying him about around often. I used baby and toddler carriers until he was almost 4yo.

DH is tall and strong and can manage no problem. I'm 5'2 and struggle to carry all 20kg of him for more than 5-10 mins.

DH keeps saying I should work out to carry him. This seems ridiculous to me - the amount of time I'd have to spend in the gym to carry him for slightly longer, and I'd have to keep up with him growing up.

I do have access to a basic gym and a gym membership but I hate working out on my own. I go to classes but because of work I can't make it more than once a week. I do think I should go and do more weight bearing work for my own health, but the amount of time I need to spend there, when I have a SEN child and no respite apart from husband who goes to the gym, runs and plays football 5 days a week, to make a marginal gain in muscle mass and carry him for 5 more minutes, seems like a poor use of time.

YABU - I should go to the gym so I can carry a 5yo for more than 10 mins

YANBU - the gym will make a difference

by time you’re strong enough to carry an extra 5kilos your kid will have put on 10. Ridiculous

although feel free to tell your husband you’re going to the gym and go and enjoy a glass of wine or a movie each week

Make sure that your gym membership includes swimming, steam room, sauna and jacuzzi. Then use them after a workout or instead.

It'll be worth it.

Exactly this.

I am a powerlifter.

I also have a toddler.

I can pick weights up with excellent form. My wriggly, sticky, slimy, floppy SEN almost-4 year old isn't stiff and rigid like a weight nor is he ergonomic.

I'm also 5 foot tall.

Picking kids up isn't ever going to be done in good form, so your husband is speaking out of his arse.

Surely lifting and carrying your child will gradually make you stronger in exactly the right places, why bother going to a gym to lift up other heavy objects? Seems inefficient!

Sounds like you are perhaps at your natural limit anyway.

I agree with all PPs who recommend a SEN pushchair. Your DS might like the familiarity of it - a safe place to retreat when he feels stressed. My DD2 who is not SEN or PDA felt that way and rode in the buggy until she started school!

No one should be trying to carry a 5yo, much less a wriggly, distressed one and your DH is completely unreasonable to suggest otherwise. And it's not at all unreasonable for SEN children to use a pushchair as long as is helpful for them.

who goes to the gym, runs and plays football 5 days a week
I hope you get an equal amount of time to focus on yourself and invest in your wellbeing?

No that's just silly. You'll ruin your back and knees. I'd research pushchairs for children with disabilities, as they hold a heavier weight.

I do an aqua class which has aqua dumbells which with the right exercises provide more resistance against the water. We do it to upbeat pop and rock music. You might enjoy this. Kind on my joints which have some problems and I did it during rehab for a specific injury too. I tell the instructor and between us we adapt for suitability. I can do way more work in the pool than on dry land. I then go in the spa and have a relaxing gentle swim.

Your husband is being very unreasonable on several counts.

1. Not listening to you about the issues you have listed on this thread and presumably many others; I'd be furious about that and don't see how there is respect and a partnership if he stubbornly refuses to see your point of view and your right to a say in parenting and other decisions. In being so dismissive, he is actually controlling because he is preventing you from finding solutions to suit you (eg carrier or pushchair for older/heavier child - if you want to use one he shouldn't stop you).
2. using depression as carte blanche to do sport/socialising for hours multiple times a week. I've had MH issues myself and I know how beneficial it is to exercise and socialise, but as the mother of a child who I suspect is neurodiverse (but frankly even if they were neurotypical) I am realistic about how much time I have for that stuff.
3. Pressuring you to go the gym. Fuck that. He should be encouraging you to do what you want but should also recognise what PPs have said which is that as a woman you realistically can't and shouldn't lift your child.

You are being unreasonable to let your husband get away with all that and to refer to your job as respite (although I know what you mean, my job feels like a break from parenting! It's not time for me though)

just another selfish man who treats his wife like a servant🙁

Slightly off topic but contact wheelchair service for a larger buggy for your child if SEN you should qualify.

Your DH doesn't get to call all the shots when it comes to you taking your DS out. If you want to try a larger pushchair because that will be more sensible and safer for you, the order the pushchair. Your DH doesn't have to use it and can be as disdainful as he likes, but he doesn't get to make all the decisions, especially those that affect you.

This is a ridiculous response. Who wants a coffee after a heavy workout?

Take back some of your husband's leisure time and go to this new gym I've heard about. It's called Costa, and the most effective thing to lift is lots of reps of a white hot chocolate.

Errrr... well I do, but also yes it is a deliberately ridiculous response. Well done for noticing.

My point is that OP's husband is being unhelpful. He is trying to get her to do something because he thinks she should, with no regard to (a) the feasibility (b) the actual usefulness or (c) the fact that he is one of the barriers. He isn't looking at the problem or trying to help solve it, he's being unhelpful and patronising. I actually would not do the above, but I wouldn't put up with someone lecturing me with such complete obliviousness.

But yeah, I love a coffee after a heavy workout, thanks.

My response was tongue in cheek. Well done for noticing. Oh, wait.

Touche 😁