DH thinks I should go to the gym more so I can carry my child

[Mamma5464]

My 5yo DS has SEN and PDA so it can be a struggle to be out with him - he's so close to meltdowns sometimes, so we try to keep demands low. This means carrying him about around often. I used baby and toddler carriers until he was almost 4yo.

DH is tall and strong and can manage no problem. I'm 5'2 and struggle to carry all 20kg of him for more than 5-10 mins.

DH keeps saying I should work out to carry him. This seems ridiculous to me - the amount of time I'd have to spend in the gym to carry him for slightly longer, and I'd have to keep up with him growing up.

I do have access to a basic gym and a gym membership but I hate working out on my own. I go to classes but because of work I can't make it more than once a week. I do think I should go and do more weight bearing work for my own health, but the amount of time I need to spend there, when I have a SEN child and no respite apart from husband who goes to the gym, runs and plays football 5 days a week, to make a marginal gain in muscle mass and carry him for 5 more minutes, seems like a poor use of time.

YABU - I should go to the gym so I can carry a 5yo for more than 10 mins

YANBU - the gym will make a difference

Do I need to be lifting weights to limit the risk of osteoporosis? I'm ok to do classes like body pump but I wasn't sure if it would be useful. My gym has HIIT classes too. I saw ads for calithenetics classes and even adult parkour. Anything but doing bicep curls on my own lol.

Your husband is a first class twit.

I personally think 20kg should be doable for any healthy woman but it’s doubly important for you because until your son needs it. But there’s no need to go to the gym just practice safe lifting and take more opportunities to carry him.

If going to the gym would make you feel healthier and happier then you should do its However if the purpose is to lug a growing child around, then no. Kids get to an age and size, SN or not, that they simply cannot be carried anymore. Your husband needs to understand that your son is no longer a baby or toddler, and if his SN require transporting him, then you will have to resort to a wheelchair, and carrying him yourself will injure you, no matter how often you go to the gym. He is going to continue to grow until he is in his late teens and his SN will still be there - what does he want you to do FFS, become Popeye?

I am a huge fan of weightlifting and increasing strength for everyone so not going t knock that side of his argument, it is good for health. However your child is going to get bigger and bigger, you will never keep up with him.

Find another option, a special needs pushchair and practice walking him safely now while he is smaller.

Tell your DH that the current free time balance is unfair and you want some time to yourself topo so he needs to drop a hobby!

Sorry, I know your trying to be helpful but if it was a simple case of "a few tantrums" the op would have done it years ago. Her child has SEN so will not respond in the was other children would.

OP, it might be worth considering a SEN buggy if that would help. You DS may also be entitle to a blue badge (my autistic DS is), if driving and parking directly outside your destination is an option for you.

You need to do body weight exercises to become strong not lift weights. Climbing (bouldering not ropes) builds grip / forearm strength and flexibility. Dips will strengthen triceps. Pilates also works on strength and flexibility. Gymnastics, barre, pole dancing, will all make you much stronger.

Body Pump is a great all rounder and should keep you strong and healthy ( although poo pooed by proper weight lifters).

Going to the gym is a great idea in general terms, but k agree it won’t make a huge difference to being able to carry your son. I think your husband needs to accept that he needs to be there to do the carrying where possible and where necessary.

Also you need to even out the amount of free time you each get as it seems massively weighted towards him!

I had to do strength training as my disabled child got older and I had to physically lift him from dangerous situations or where he didn't want to leave somewhere. I learnt a fireman's lift too.

In the last few years I've had to also train to be able to run after him and restrain him now he is a teenager and much stronger than I am.

If you can, you should go to the gym/other hobby just to have your own time.

If you can only go to the gym once a week, but your husband goes to the gym/football 5 times a week, that's not right. It would be good for you to be able to go more (or do a different activity/hobby), and you should get just as much time to do that as your husband. He needs to allow you a bit more time for yourself.

YABU - I should go to the gym so I can carry a 5yo for more than 10 mins

YANBU - the gym will make a difference

I don't understand - why do you need a poll?

I can answer your question though:
Do you want to go to the gym? Then go!
Do you not want to? Then don't!

Your DH's suggestion is sensible, & if you did weights you could make a big difference to your strength & carrying power. But if you don't want to do it, & are comfortable as you are, that all it was - a suggestion, not an order.

If you want to increase strength without the palaver of attending a gym, that's possible too. Just grab a couple of tins of beans, & google up home exercises like these - www.sheffieldcitytrust.org/articles/exercise-referral-upper-body-workout

Going to the gym will help in short term ( need to be going at least three days a week). But, it’s not a long term solution for you. Your son will get too heavy and he will also become stronger then you.

Oh yes, aware of strollers for older kids, especially for SEN. The things is that DS is very happy to walk sometimes, and we try to encourage at much as possible. But he's also a runner. 😓 So we have to be able to dump everything and go after him. He's very resistant to safety harnesses and hand holding so we try to let him walk freely when it's safe. We also live in a city that is not stroller friendly - I always felt better using a baby carrier when DS was younger.

Turn his idiocy to your advantage. Tell him you agree, so he will need to sacrifice at least 3 of his own sessions so you can go. Also, he can pay for you to work with a PT so you can learn to lift properly.

I don’t think you should go to the gyn solely yo
carry your child but I think it would be excellent for your health and well being!

Sounds like it's dh who needs to up his game carrying the weight!

Get a maclaren major pushchair. I couldn't lug a 5 year old about

I would not risk my back carrying a 5yo.
If he decides he won't walk, then he'll have to have an age/weight appropriate stroller, then a wheelchair for when you are alone with him.
Your DH can carry him for as long as he likes.

I have a SEN child and no respite apart from husband who goes to the gym, runs and plays football 5 days a week

Can you not tell DH that rather than a new fitness regime, you'd prefer respite, & ask him why he gets so much time out & you so little?

By the time you've developed enough muscle to carry your son at his current weight, he will have grown and put on weight. It won't be too long before he's too tall for you to carry him anyway, so this is a pointless waste of time and money.

I think I'd take him up on the offer to look after your child, go to the gym if you want to, but use the time to spoil yourself as well.

Your husband sounds dumb

OP please listen to your body. I carried my super heavy child way too much as he was always falling over and wanting to be picked up while he caried and carried home etc. I gave myself a hernia and permanent back damage and will never be physically the same. The doctor asked what on earth I thought I was doing carrying a 30kg child around. I had no answer other than a weak “Well he was upset and wanted me to.”

No matter how much arm / leg muscle you build in the gym, it won’t be enough to protect your spine from lifting a too heavy child ☹️

I think its important you do train and get into the gym, for various reasons.

Get your dh to draw up a schedule for you to get time out 4 times a week to train and whilst your at the gym he can care for dc and do household tasks to share the load.

not just physically but mentally your health will be improved