DH thinks I should go to the gym more so I can carry my child

[Mamma5464]

My 5yo DS has SEN and PDA so it can be a struggle to be out with him - he's so close to meltdowns sometimes, so we try to keep demands low. This means carrying him about around often. I used baby and toddler carriers until he was almost 4yo.

DH is tall and strong and can manage no problem. I'm 5'2 and struggle to carry all 20kg of him for more than 5-10 mins.

DH keeps saying I should work out to carry him. This seems ridiculous to me - the amount of time I'd have to spend in the gym to carry him for slightly longer, and I'd have to keep up with him growing up.

I do have access to a basic gym and a gym membership but I hate working out on my own. I go to classes but because of work I can't make it more than once a week. I do think I should go and do more weight bearing work for my own health, but the amount of time I need to spend there, when I have a SEN child and no respite apart from husband who goes to the gym, runs and plays football 5 days a week, to make a marginal gain in muscle mass and carry him for 5 more minutes, seems like a poor use of time.

YABU - I should go to the gym so I can carry a 5yo for more than 10 mins

YANBU - the gym will make a difference

My autistic boy is 4 and around 20 kg but very tall and a fast runner. I go to the gym for strength training and fitness and it makes a big difference. I can carry him for 30 minutes piggyback or pick him when he's upset and fighting to get away with no problem.
I found the gym has really improved my mental wellbeing as well. It lifts my mood considerably and I'm calmer with my son
Honestly take him up on the offer.

You both need to find a way for safer walking. There are many adults with severe LD who are bolters etc (I know, I used to work in this sector) - not a single one was carried, it’s ridiculous.

Im not saying it’s easy, but carrying him really really is not the solution.

More to the point is why is your husband absent so much and leaving it to you?

My 9yo is autistic. He has a tendency for bolting and also sitting down and refusing to walk.

I have had to find other ways of managing that (depending on the situation / environment). But I don’t carry him. I can’t. Haven’t been able to carry for any distance him much past the age of 5.

Lifting a carrying a screaming kicking thrashing child is nothing like lifting weights in the gym. It’s a moving off balance weight that can and will kick, bite and headbutt at any given moment.

Trying to carry him anywhere in that state would be dangerous for us both.

Once he starts school, even a specialist school, I can guarantee you that physically carrying him will not be something they are going to be doing.

The time for carrying him is past - you need to begin developing more appropriate long term strategies now.

He’s got PDA. Have you ever known a child with PDA?

It won't solve the husband problem (though frankly I have little respect for the opinion of people who think their child is too big for a carrier, and then carry them everywhere), but what about a woven wrap? I've even seen (crazy) people carrying adults in them, and if it doesn't work then it'll be a lot easier to resell as you can use them for all ages. Or borrow one from a sling library to see if its an option.

(From someone that still carries their nearly 4yo child with disabilities, daily, and is likely to for a long time)

Why are you taking any notice? If you're the one doing the caring and the carrying it's up to you!

You seem to have an unhelpful and unsupportive husband

YANBU. Going to gym is awesome and resistance training is important and can bring masses of long term benefits but unless you are strongman/woman training (incredibly fun) it's unlikely to be massively useful in carrying a 22kg child in a most likely awkward position. I can deadlift over twice my body weight and I do not find it very helpful in carrying a child. Being tall would be much more helpful.

DH is being ridiculous.

Have you got a SEN,pushchair? Some of them go up to age 11.

He is being a self satisfied and ignorant twat - and that is putting it mildly

Show your husband the the safety tables for women to lift safely. These are based on actually scientific studies and epidemiologists.

16kg to hold at waist height on one I looked at, so you should be avoiding lifting anything over 16kg. You’d be risk assessed at work if asked to do the same thing,( or could demand it) and that would prevent you. For the sake of your future health do not routinely lift more than that guidance .

ask any district nurse who lifted or even just manually rolled patients to clean them on her rounds who is now late 70 or older- they have back problems, and can be almost crippled by a slow itterative wear on their joints by exceeding that load on a regular basis.

Men are naturally stronger than women even at same height. Their body structure carries more muscle - even the fittest female athlete has muscle strength of a pretty average fit bloke. They also find it easier to develop muscle and gain lifting strength . You’d have to spend a hell of a lot of time in gym to build weight lifting capability and maintain it to routinely lift in excess of 16kg routinely for long periods of time - and your DS is going to be steadily increasing his weight anyway and you’d never keep up.

your husband should certainly do more of the lifting - but that is a short term plan for him too. At what weight will he suddenly declare he can’t lift his son? So, you need to find other ways to comfort your child and help him feel comforted by either of you. I can’t imagine it’s good for his physical development to be carried everytime he needs emotional support (sorry if I misunderstand why you are carrying him).

the fact he goes out so often for his precious sport and leaves you with kids to look after, says a lot about the lack of empathy he shows you

Go to the gym more while DH pulls his weight or go somewhere else.

Would a McClaren (sp) special needs stroller be a useful alternative?

As someone who has a child with SEN as well and needs carrying, it would make sod all difference as your child grows. If my DH suggested this I’d be telling him to drop at least two of his session then to accommodate. I bet he says no. If it’s any help my DD is 5 and we use a firefly pushchair called a WeGo. It’s very good. I’d just use that when needed.

Your DH is being a dick.

But- getting stronger is a good thing for your health and would give you some respite if DH stepped up to facilitate it.

I'd take his advice as an offer and tell him what times he'll need to be at home so you can do some classes or whatever else you would enjoy.

This!

This isn’t about carrying a 5 year old round though is it, it’s about being stronger or as strong as a 10+ year old as your child continues to grow.

I work with teens with SEND and they are much stronger than NT children and I absolutely work out so I am better able to protect myself and others around me.

Most of the time it’s the mental confidence of knowing that you can control them if you need to.

If your child needs to be carried or restrained then I don’t think it will hurt being fitter and as stronger.
You can do this at home if you wanted to though.

Your husband is unreasonable in his suggestion and selfish in the number of times he goes out to exercise. Lifting a heavy child could do you a lot of harm. Sod that.
I’m sorry but I pressed the wrong voting button by mistake.
YANBU.

Yeah there was no way I was carrying my ds around at that age, or younger either. It's not sustainable for a start

We used a Phil and Ted explorer and back pack reigns when walking was none negotiable meltdowns or not. He was fast and had no concept of danger

I had plenty of years of sitdown on the floor and refuse to move , walking to school as a lion/monkey etc as some days that worked. Plenty of different distractions to get him moving

Your dh is being lazy carrying him around rather than trying to deal with the issues

What does he suggest for when your ds is 12, 20, 30?

I am a TA who does weights at home 4-5 times a week, and I can lift heavy, but it is still not advised for any adult in our setting to move children over age 4 because of the risk of injury. We need two adults for a larger child who has SEN and our practice is to move him to a sitting position only if absolutely necessary, but otherwise, we cannot physically carry or hold him down. You will need to find new strategies for behaviour management as he gets bigger. Some councils have courses which can help with this.

Gym is good to go for your own mental health and well being but not sure about the lifting a growing child.

My son is 6 and has special needs and used to lift him a lot of the time for comforting him but when I was pregnant I had to change things. Could you check in with an OT and get a special needs buggy? We have one and this has helped so much for going out.

Substitute the lifts for cuddles is another thing I found helped with mine. Good luck!

Women should not be picking up and carrying 20kg weights around.
You'll bust your pelvic floor very quickly doing that.
You'll end up with a prolapse.
You can't carry him. Bring the stroller if it's too far to walk.
He's 5. You cannot be carrying him any more.
This gym thing is a complete red herring.

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. When does it stop? At what point do you stop carrying your little one? When your back breaks? When they're 21?

You should go to the gym in the evenings to get an extra hour away from your husband’s ridiculous opinions.

Your DH sounds like a twat. Even if you worked out 5 days a week I don’t see how you could manage a 5yr old AND do anything else, plus it sounds the least enjoyable thing ever. Plus when will it end- when he’s 14? You’ve already put your own body through carrying a child and giving birth- maybe it’s his turn now. It sounds to me as though he is minimising the issues your DS has and thinking of the first solution which makes his own life easier, even if it makes yours much harder.

Thanks all. I've spoken to DH and he's apologised for haranguing me about not going to the gym. I've agreed I'm going to try other classes like HIIT add I've booked one for next week.

I'm never going to convince him that weightlifting won't help with carrying though just because it works for him. I pointed about that him being a man makes it easier to put on muscle and of course he's taller. He just doesn't listen to me about this kind of stuff once he has it in his head - has been like this ever since DS was born - health stuff, DS' disabilities which he was in denial about. He will listen to professionals, doctors, nurses, therapists. I have to ask leading questions sometimes, so they will say things I already know but in front of DH to make him listen. But yeah that doesn't matter - I'll be responsible for my own health, look after my back and spine, and limit carrying as much as I can - and yes maybe it means more meltdowns and time to get places.