Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I should go to the gym more so I can carry my child

117 replies

Mamma5464 · 16/12/2022 14:47

My 5yo DS has SEN and PDA so it can be a struggle to be out with him - he's so close to meltdowns sometimes, so we try to keep demands low. This means carrying him about around often. I used baby and toddler carriers until he was almost 4yo.

DH is tall and strong and can manage no problem. I'm 5'2 and struggle to carry all 20kg of him for more than 5-10 mins.

DH keeps saying I should work out to carry him. This seems ridiculous to me - the amount of time I'd have to spend in the gym to carry him for slightly longer, and I'd have to keep up with him growing up.

I do have access to a basic gym and a gym membership but I hate working out on my own. I go to classes but because of work I can't make it more than once a week. I do think I should go and do more weight bearing work for my own health, but the amount of time I need to spend there, when I have a SEN child and no respite apart from husband who goes to the gym, runs and plays football 5 days a week, to make a marginal gain in muscle mass and carry him for 5 more minutes, seems like a poor use of time.

YABU - I should go to the gym so I can carry a 5yo for more than 10 mins

YANBU - the gym will make a difference

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma5464 · 16/12/2022 15:46

Thanks, I love these suggestions.

I appreciate the advice on both sides. I was angry and ranted because I wasn't being heard by DH - I'd found a stroller-like solution online that was very cheap that I wanted to try, and he vetoed it and told me, not for the first time, I should go to the gym to work out. I was so upset because we've had the same conversation many times and he knows how I feel about weightlifting.

To give him a little credit, DH is the SAHD and takes the brunt of the care. He had some depression and found that gym, running and football gave him some respite. I have a full time demanding job, which is my respite I guess. Between us there's not a lot of free time.

Anyway, he's actually trying to be helpful now and found some HIIT classes for me to try. So I'm going to give those a go, and look into the other suggestions here too. I would love to try bouldering.

OP posts:
Rinoachicken · 16/12/2022 15:46

If the sole purpose is to enable you to carry your child around, it’s pointless - carrying him around is not sustainable for you, or anyone else who involved in his care as he gets older.

You need to be finding other strategies - you can’t carry him when he’s a teenager!

Your husband also needs to stop pissing off away from the house every day and actually step up and be an equal parent - and that means you BOTH get EQUAL time away from the home.

Rinoachicken · 16/12/2022 15:47

Bit of a drip feed that he’s the SAHP!

AlisonDonut · 16/12/2022 15:48

The recommended safe lifting weight for a female is 16kg anyway, so what does he want you to do, spend the rest of your life trying to gain strength to lift a growing child that you can never ever achieve?

I'm so sick of lazy fucking men offloading all the hard work onto their partners.

Rinoachicken · 16/12/2022 15:48

And it still won’t make any difference long term - neither of you can carry him forever!

AlisonDonut · 16/12/2022 15:49

Mamma5464 · 16/12/2022 15:46

Thanks, I love these suggestions.

I appreciate the advice on both sides. I was angry and ranted because I wasn't being heard by DH - I'd found a stroller-like solution online that was very cheap that I wanted to try, and he vetoed it and told me, not for the first time, I should go to the gym to work out. I was so upset because we've had the same conversation many times and he knows how I feel about weightlifting.

To give him a little credit, DH is the SAHD and takes the brunt of the care. He had some depression and found that gym, running and football gave him some respite. I have a full time demanding job, which is my respite I guess. Between us there's not a lot of free time.

Anyway, he's actually trying to be helpful now and found some HIIT classes for me to try. So I'm going to give those a go, and look into the other suggestions here too. I would love to try bouldering.

Your job isn't your respite! It's your job.

ivykaty44 · 16/12/2022 15:49

I have a full time demanding job, which is my respite I guess

thats not respite and I really think your dh is trying to encourage something positive & get the endorphins rush going

Legallypinkish · 16/12/2022 15:49

Well apart from the fact your husband is being a dick, This isn’t going to solve the issue long term. Your son is just going to get bigger. I understand exactly the issue as my son was the same. By the time he was about 6 though there was no way anyone was carrying him anywhere. We tried a bigger buggy but he just got too big for that too.

Hes an adult now and over 6ft tall and around 16 stone. He doesn’t understand he’s bigger so still wants to have piggy back rides and get in the trolley! But he is happier to walk thankfully!

NumberTheory · 16/12/2022 15:49

Going to the gym will make you stronger. but there are limits and your limits are going to be significantly lower than your DH’s. I’m a 5’2” woman who had twins. I’ve always been active and did strength training to help me cope with two babies at once. but the reality is, it was too much for my body. I could carry them both for some distance without getting tired but my muscles and joints suffered. I constantly damaged muscles and ligaments trying to carrry and push them around.

You still need to go to the gym (so maybe DH does need to give up some of his time their) because you have a physically demanding role with your DS and it will stop you injuring yourself as much, but you also need to be realistic about what’s safe for you to do - you aren’t going to be able to do what your DH can no matter how much you go.

With your DS growing, it’s unrealistic to think, even if you could do enough to manage right now, that you could keep up with the growth for long. You need to be focusing on alternative ways to keep DS calm, carrying isn’t going to be a long term solution.

MrsCarson · 16/12/2022 15:49

Your Husband is an idiot. Even if you go to the gym and build muscle to carry his weight, at 5' 2" it won't be long before he is too long for you to carry. Building muscle means you can lift him to move him, But you are too short to carry him far at all.
I'm short and was very strong when I had my first son. Could lift and carry no problem, but once he was 10kg I couldn't carry in a backpack carrier any more as I tipped over backwards with him on my back. At nearly 20kg I could easily lift him and move him but he was too tall for me to carry at all.

Original poster
Mamma5464 · 16/12/2022 15:51

Sorry, I was feeling very angry when I posted! I was angry about being told to go to the gym when I don't like lifting weights and for something that I felt had marginal benefits (needing to go at least 3 times a week) when we have any more spare time, not that he wasn't giving me time for it.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 16/12/2022 15:53

do you have a pure gym nearby? they are 24 hrs and this means that for many they can train before work. Would that be an option on your time?

NEmama · 16/12/2022 15:53

I don't want to click either option . Get a bigger pushchair.

Original poster
Mamma5464 · 16/12/2022 15:54

Thank you for the warnings re looking after my back. I should go back to Pilates which I always found very hard, but enjoyed more doing in a class.

OP posts:
Somuchgoo · 16/12/2022 15:55

Maybe still just a carrier? Much more viable than just carrying him in your arms.

ivykaty44 · 16/12/2022 15:56

If pilates is something you enjoy, go for it. Try the HIIT and see if you can find another class that you might enjoy

rizzo999 · 16/12/2022 15:58

Surely it would be more sensible to look for a more sustainable solution. What happens when he is 30kg or 40kg?

Original poster
Mamma5464 · 16/12/2022 15:59

I know but it feels like respite! 😓 I have a chance to go away, somewhere quiet, and to think and do something different. I sympathise with DH who when I'm done, just wants to hand DS over for the rest of the evening. So I can't really say no to all the workouts. But I don't have any time for me either.

The football is a pain. It's always miles away and takes hours. But he gets to socialise a bit, which he doesn't have time for otherwise.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 16/12/2022 16:00

Does anyone else not understand the voting?

Both options seem to say the same thing to me.

whynotwhatknot · 16/12/2022 16:01

its not going to benefit long term when hes taller than you is it

BabyOnBoard90 · 16/12/2022 16:03

I don't see the big deal. Going to gym is great for your well-being, which has a cascade benefit for your household.

Me and my partner routinely encourage exercise, especially when we don't feel like it.

Circumstances notwithstanding, there is always an excuse not to workout

Devoutspoken · 16/12/2022 16:04

I carry kids as part of keeping fit as well as going to gym but your dh sounds like a cf

Original poster
Mamma5464 · 16/12/2022 16:05

Unicorn2022 · 16/12/2022 15:22

I had to do strength training as my disabled child got older and I had to physically lift him from dangerous situations or where he didn't want to leave somewhere. I learnt a fireman's lift too.

In the last few years I've had to also train to be able to run after him and restrain him now he is a teenager and much stronger than I am.

Thanks, I'll look into different kinds of strength training that I'll enjoy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma5464 · 16/12/2022 16:13

Somuchgoo · 16/12/2022 15:55

Maybe still just a carrier? Much more viable than just carrying him in your arms.

I would love to have this option - I think it's better to have him secured on my back than in my arms, especially as he's a wiggly leaner. There are pre-school carriers for 4+ but they are so expensive, still very heavy, and I'm not sure if DS would even go for it now - it's an expensive mistake to make (can't return it where I am, probably little resale value). Also DH is dead set against carriers too - thinks DS is too old and should be walking. Even though he carries him all over the place in his arms! He's being so unfair on this point.

OP posts:
BadBear · 16/12/2022 16:15

As someone who lifts heavy weights at the gym, I can tell you that this is not the best solution. Yes, you will be stronger but it's slightly different picking up a 45kg db or squatting 100kg on a barbell to carrying a wriggling child around who is only going to get bigger. Even if you did strongwoman training, it's still not the best way forward. Mind you, you mind want to grab the opportunity and do it for your own health!