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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel irrational jealousy about a woman who my DP has never even met (but is meeting today)

102 replies

lucyellensmum · 02/02/2008 12:13

In answer to my question i shall save you the bother of having to decide. Of course im being bloody unreasonable. So why is it i feel sick to my stomach.

DP is often praising up his mates wives for their achievements (so i know he is impressed by succseful women). I used to be an achiever and i used to be (imo) fairly good looking. That was a LONG TIME ago. Now i'm just fat and frumpy, bad skin, bags under my eyes, greasy lank hair (have anxiety about going to hair dressers so please don't tell me to pamper myself and get it cut!). I'm moody, irritable and basically a non achiever epimomised. I do his accounts for him, but basically that entails putting his receipts in a pile and giving them to the accountant. She SHE then sends them back all sorted with claims back on earnings that i coudlnt even imagine (that is a good thing).

So today, DP has a meeting with a woman who has her own property developing business in London. I've never even met or spoken to the woman, but i have a mental image of a Sarah Beany type, succsesful, but down to earth, smart but casual (tight jeans!) and an air of confidence about her, so basically - fucking sex on legs.

I trust my DP implicitly, i have no reason to question his faithfulness. I have always been 100% sure of him. But now he may develop a business relationship with this woman ( i know how this works, ive had flirty relationships with guys when i had a life worked). I just have a picture of him falling in love with her. And really, i can't blame him. What he has at home doesnt make him happy. Slops around in jeans or slacks bought from second hand shops, never wears make up, doesn't own any sexy underwear because it would just look ridiculous. Moans and whinges and is basically too knackered to talk after putting DD to bed, let alone anything constructive. Which would you choose?? Were you a man that is?

This meeting is really important, and could make a hugely positive effect on our business, but it is eating me up inside. I know im being ridiculous and hate myself for it, but in one way, its perfectly logical, isnt it.

OP posts:

scorpio1 · 02/02/2008 12:16

this doesnt sound to me like a distrust of your DP, it sounds like you feel in a rut about yourself.

What is the hairdresser phobia? would a mobile one be better? Mobile hairdresers are fine - and you will find if you went into a posh hairdressers and asked alot of the girls will do it for you at home.

You could go to a beauty salon? or if money is an issue try the local colleges training nights/days.

Your DP loves YOU - he would chose you 10000000 times over, trust me.

krang · 02/02/2008 12:19

I would choose the woman I loved and had children with, personally, no matter what she looked like or how often she went to the hairdresser.

LadyVictorianSqualor · 02/02/2008 12:22

If I was a amn I'd choose the women that went thrugh pregnancy with my child to make her feel insecure about ehr body, the woman that stood by me and helped me whilst I tried to make a go of my business, the woman who I chose to spend my life with and I knew had an amazing brain, but had put ehr lfie on hold to bring up the daughter we cherish, wouldnt you???

LadyVictorianSqualor · 02/02/2008 12:22

x post krang

Saturn74 · 02/02/2008 12:23

LEM, your comment "I used to be an achiever" is so sad.
You know this is a self-esteem issue, and not about trusting your DH.
Your DH loves you.
You are his wife.

He's going to a business meeting.
It is irrelevant what this woman looks like, because in your mind she is a threat.
When she isn't really.

Get a babysitter, and go out for an evening.
Try and get a bit of time together.

Have some fun together.

Lulumama · 02/02/2008 12:24

don;t you have a PhD???? surely that makes you a high achiever.......

re hairdresser phobia.. i was like that when i was depressed, could not bear to sit and have to look at myself for 2 hours.. so i tied it back in a ponytail every so often and cut 1/2 an inch of the ends, and coloured it myself, henna is really good for glamming up your hair.

it is good you know you are being unreasonable !

i think you need to take yourself in hand and make yourself feel better about yourself.,.. what is coming across loud and clear is that this is actually about how you perceive yourself

Original poster

lucyellensmum · 02/02/2008 12:25

its not always about choice though is it. Obviously if we were both presented to him and he were made to chose then he would, of course chose me (DD and i are a package after all! and he worships the very air she breathes (and not im not jealous of this, i think this is wonderful and makes me love him even more)). But if he has to work alongside someone and they have fun etc, a chemistry builds up, he falls in love i would lose him because when he fell in love with me, i was his PRINCESS and he would have died for me. You can;t control your heart can you.

To be honest, over the past 4-5 years ive almost been waiting for this to happen. Because even though i WAS his princess, that person is a distant memory. I dont even think i would recognise her now.

OP posts:

Original poster

lucyellensmum · 02/02/2008 12:28

I don't feel sad, just resigned really.

Thankyou for your replies, krang and LVS, your lovely posts have made me cry

OP posts:

SheikYerbouti · 02/02/2008 12:28

I don;t think this is so much about the other woman - I think this is more about you. I think you sound depressed. I have been there in the past. I used to get insanley jealous of the women who DP worked with were younger/prettier/more fun tyhan me, but I bet your DP loves every lasy bit of you.

I think you need to spend some time on your own doning sometyhing you enjoy. It might even just be having a long bath or reading a book, but all these little things can make you feel more normal. I agree with a prev posty about mobile hairdressers. I use one, she is FABULOUS, and she cuts my hair better then the mulleted srtpiy haired girls in the snooty salon in town, and it never costs me more than £15!!!

How old is your DD?

Also, the other woman is probably an old boot

Original poster

lucyellensmum · 02/02/2008 12:28

Kick up the backside needed methinks

OP posts:

Lulumama · 02/02/2008 12:29

how sad that you have spent the last four years waiting for the 'inevitable' end of your relationship

kayzr · 02/02/2008 12:29

Your mental image might be way off. She might feel exactly the same way about herself that you do.
I agree with lulumama dye your own hair or just do something that could help you feel better

Frizbe · 02/02/2008 12:29

Lucyellensmum I really think you need to go back to the dr's and get your medication re sorted and get some councilling help. I know you're trying to get yourself sorted out from your other thread, but you just are seeming so down its professional help you need. As said before your dh loves you, and you still are his princess, but you're struggling to see that at the moment, so you need to get yourself proper help. {{{{hugs}}}}

scorpio1 · 02/02/2008 12:29

you are still his princess, no matter what you look like or the different person you may have become since becoming a mother to his child.

He does not love you because you have his child, he loves you for you, even more since having a child together.

spicemonster · 02/02/2008 12:31

What do you like doing LEM? I don't get a sense of you except that you liked riding before you had your baby.

I think you need to find who you are again. Of course you're not the woman you used to be. I'm not the woman I was when I did my degree. But you're still highly educated and very bright - that doesn't go away.

Original poster

lucyellensmum · 02/02/2008 12:32

Lulu, yes, i do have a PhD, but i don't use it, so its not much of an achievement that it sits on the shelf gathering dust.

I am proud of my DD though, and i know i am a good mother, so its not all doom and gloom. The trouble is, i think DP would prefer the cutting edge business woman. Ive always held him back re the business, projected my lack of confidence onto him.

A night out would be lovely though. Not possible today as DD is poorly. Actually can't remember the last time we went out alone, yes i can, it was last March (DPs birthday)!!!

OP posts:

SheikYerbouti · 02/02/2008 12:33

I have had (still do) body image issues, and honestly, doing somethingf small, like coluring your hair or having ait trimmed etc can make a difference.

SheikYerbouti · 02/02/2008 12:34

OK, you need to make sure you go ouyt together more. Try to do it once verey couple of months. It's nice to have something to look forward to as well

Wisteria · 02/02/2008 12:38

Aims big DM boots at LEM's backside

You know as well as me that one of the reasons you are feeling down and insecure is the constant debt pressure. This partnership if successful will hopefully sort your finances out, this will in turn relieve the stress on you and your dp.

Get your meds sorted please and try to see the positive in all of this. It is highly unlikely that anything will happen between your dp and this woman - who I might add may well look like the back end of a bus. Even if she doesn't what makes you think she will fancy your dp? Not all women are predatory!

Get a mobile hairdresser - go - do it now!

If your dp didn't love the very arse of you he'd have been long gone. Give him some credit for having a brain too

YABU but you are not reality testing your reactions so it's understandable.

Bellavita · 02/02/2008 12:44

Lucy - you sound like a lovely caring mum and partner. A PHD - it is more than I have got. Well done to you.

Does DP know how you feel?

Sending you hugs.

morningpaper · 02/02/2008 12:46

you sound depressed

you need A Plan

You could have a smart hair-cut, wear some flattering clothes and sexy underwear and nice shoes, put a load of make-up on - you could be a different person this time in a week or so. And it sounds like you WANT to be. So what is stopping you from being that person?

Lulumama · 02/02/2008 12:47

babe, i have a law degree, just becasue i don;t use it, does not mean it is worthless !! you keep saying what you think your DP wants or prefers.. are you simply projcting your insecurities on to him?

my Dhs last girlfriend before me was a model. i reckon if he had wanted a tall, slim, beautiful woman to share his life is, he would not have married me do you see what i mean? we are all more than just a pretty face or a big brain, we are people who are much more complex and whether you can fit into skinny jeans or not should be totally irrelevant in terms of making a relationship work !

did that make any sense??!

alfiesbabe · 02/02/2008 12:50

LEM - I know you are a fantastic person cos I've seen posts that you've written to people before and you've been full of kind, insightful advice.
I think you probably know the answer deep down because you're a perceptive woman. This is not about whether your dh will 'prefer' the other woman. This is about you. You've dot a real downer on yourself and your self esteem is rock bottom. You ARE still the same person your dh fell in love with, you just don't feel like it.You need to rediscover that person. Easy to say I know, but start in little ways - get that hair cut, book a babysitter and go out with dh, and alongside the little things, plan for the bigger things in life too. Do you have plans to get out to work? You mention doing dh's receipts but that doesnt sound like it's what you want to be doing with your life. You need to be fair to yourself - you are not just an appendage to your dh and dd, you are a person in your own right. I know my dh and I would go mad if we didnt have our own work lives to give us a sense of self esteem. I'm not saying it's the answer for everyone, but I would definitely think about how you need to change things to feel better. xx

Original poster

lucyellensmum · 02/02/2008 12:51

Wisty, are you saying my DP is a minger AND do you REALLY have a pair of DMs? I used to have a pair, i really miss them, can't seem to find another pair that i like, not sure why. THey were only a plain black pair, but i got them from a factory outlet and have never found a pair since quite the same

I do think my Meds need altering, my DP says i am being weird lately. I will go back to the doctor and talk to her. I was running about in the kitchen this morning getting DPs toast and tea, (why i felt the need to do that i dont know, he usually does it for me) but i felt like it was SO important and i was making him late for his meeting, even though i wasnt.

OP posts:

Wisteria · 02/02/2008 12:55

Yes DR LEM, I found my dm's in a box of my old stuff that XDH dropped off when he cleared out his attic - they are being resurrected for my new years res of going to more gigs to help me feel like me again. I have booked 4 so far for 08

Started taking starflower oil a couple of weeks ago - super strong dose and am feeling loads better about things - even coping with the fact that DP has added his ex fiancee to his facebook account and after dc1 she is still modelling .

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