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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday dilemma making me feel ill!

105 replies

gretti · 15/12/2022 20:09

So my dad doesn't like DH. DH isn't a fan of my dad either. Me and DH went through a rocky patch which made things worse between Dh and my dad.

They've never fallen out. They've never even argued. They just don't speak however I'm not overly close to my dad. My dad has also caused me a lot of trauma and pain from my childhood and also he had an affair which ended his marriage to my mum.

Despite this, he's my dad and he's in my life. I'm not as close to him as I'd like to be but he is always there for me.

Dad took me and my sister out for lunch the other day and said he would like us to have a family holiday abroad next year - he's paying for it. My sister doesn't have a partner or DCs. I have 3 dcs. My sister is really up for it.

Spoken to Dh about it and he's not happy and says I shouldn't go. Youngest ds is 4 and has never been on a plane before. Dh says he wants to be there when DS experiences this for this first time.

He's told me to go - but is in a mood and says 'don't worry about me'

He then said it was out of order and unfair on him. He's told me to tell my dad I can't go because I don't think it's fair Dh misses out on ds first holiday abroad.

I can see why he's upset about this. I really can. I've suggested that maybe he could try contact my dad and reconnect and maybe he could also join us.I think my dad would respect this a lot. DH didn't really say much when I suggested this.

I'm absolutely stuck in the middle. If I tell my dad no then I'm letting him down and my sister and the kids! If I go then I'll just feel shit the whole time and I know DH just won't be happy.

All this being said - regardless of the dh/dad dilemma, im not overly comfortable with going anyway. If it were up to me I'd rather not. I've just finished therapy where I've realised how abusive my dad was as a kid. A very clever man and has a way of making us feel so unimportant. However this is him making an effort so I don't want to let him down either.

It won't be a holiday I'm particularly looking forward to either way.

Advice?

OP posts:
Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 15/12/2022 20:11

Why do you want your dc around a man who made you feel shit as a dc? You aren't stuck in the middle.
You only made vows to 1 man.

HeddaGarbled · 15/12/2022 20:13

I think you should side with your husband on this one.

Original poster
gretti · 15/12/2022 20:14

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 15/12/2022 20:11

Why do you want your dc around a man who made you feel shit as a dc? You aren't stuck in the middle.
You only made vows to 1 man.

It's a confusing one with my dad. He's always been there for me and has helped me out in many ways. He's sorry for a lot of the past and I think this is his way of trying. He's also great with my kids.

OP posts:
MaryKristmas · 15/12/2022 20:15

I agree with your husband.

I wouldn't be happy if my husband and children were going on their first abroad holiday without me - how would you feel about that?

XJerseyGirlX · 15/12/2022 20:17

I also agree with your husband. I can see why it's causing you stress though. Hope you manage to sort it out.

Testina · 15/12/2022 20:17

So your dad’s a fucking arsehole and your husband is a good man - but you’re screwing him over for you dad?

You’ve just finished therapy? Too soon, I’d say.

Your poor husband.

Original poster
gretti · 15/12/2022 20:17

MaryKristmas · 15/12/2022 20:15

I agree with your husband.

I wouldn't be happy if my husband and children were going on their first abroad holiday without me - how would you feel about that?

Yeah I get that completely and I've said this him.

Where I'm finding it difficult as both my dad and my husband are not appreciating the difficult situation I feel I've been put in. Only thinking about themselves as usual.

I'd just appreciate if my husband could show that - this makes me think he hasn't changed at all.

OP posts:
BobbaMom · 15/12/2022 20:17

I'm sorry but there's absolutely no way I would go on a "family" holiday without my husband. I'm assuming you have a good relationship with your husband? Based on what you have said about your father it's almost as if he is deliberately trying to get you to choose, he must know the position this puts you in?
Your husband and father do not have to like each other, it would undoubtedly make your life easier if they did, but I can't help but think this holiday will not help the situation.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 15/12/2022 20:18

If it were up to me I'd rather not. I've just finished therapy where I've realised how abusive my dad was as a kid. A very clever man and has a way of making us feel so unimportant.

Is this really someone that you want to spend time with your children? On holiday if he decides to abuse one of them then they won’t be able to get away.

Testina · 15/12/2022 20:18

Although - I say your husband is a good man… but what was the rocky patch? Did your father teach you to choose shit men?
On which case - still don’t do the holiday 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
gretti · 15/12/2022 20:19

Testina · 15/12/2022 20:17

So your dad’s a fucking arsehole and your husband is a good man - but you’re screwing him over for you dad?

You’ve just finished therapy? Too soon, I’d say.

Your poor husband.

My husband wasn't a good husband - I'm giving him another chance on the hope he has changed.

OP posts:
Testina · 15/12/2022 20:20

“Where I'm finding it difficult as both my dad and my husband are not appreciating the difficult situation I feel I've been put in. Only thinking about themselves as usual.

I'd just appreciate if my husband could show that - this makes me think he hasn't changed at all.”

Ah, cross posted. So your dad did teach you to choose shit men.

MassiveSalad22 · 15/12/2022 20:20

You’re not stuck in the middle. There’s your dad, who you don’t like very much by the sound of it, and your DH who I presume you love and see daily and have built a life with. So you’re on his side really. Or should be. I am the hated DIL and DH resolutely on my side 100%, I know because his dad has outright asked him to pick sides in the past.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2022 20:20

You’re not stuck in the middle at all. Your dad sounds like an unpleasant man and your DH has the measure of him.

You chose your husband, you chose to marry him, you chose him to have 3 children with him, he wants to protect you and his children from your horrible dad and you’re turning it into a drama because your loyalties are a total mess.

Decline the holiday, you don’t want to go anyway! Don’t blame DH, own your decisions, you’re an adult. If your sister wants a holiday with your dad you’re not stopping her. Who cares if your dad is upset or angry, it’s all he deserves.

You should tell DH you’re not going, you shouldn’t have even considered it and start backing him up when it comes to your dad.

MassiveSalad22 · 15/12/2022 20:21

Plus, who can be arsed with a holiday that is causing this much angst before it’s even booked. Solo parenting 3 kids in the presence of a man you don’t really like and a free and single sister. Nah!

Testina · 15/12/2022 20:21

gretti · 15/12/2022 20:19

My husband wasn't a good husband - I'm giving him another chance on the hope he has changed.

Show quote history

Yes, I just cross posted with you.
Stop setting this up as Fucking Useless Dad Vs Fucking Useless Husband, with you all passive stuck in the middle.
Say “fuck the pair of you losers” - and arrange your own holiday without either of them. Seriously.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 15/12/2022 20:21

So your df was a dick and then you married one?

Original poster
gretti · 15/12/2022 20:21

Testina · 15/12/2022 20:18

Although - I say your husband is a good man… but what was the rocky patch? Did your father teach you to choose shit men?
On which case - still don’t do the holiday 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yeah unfortunately. I chose someone exactly like my dad thinking it was normal. I have to give credit to dh that he's been to therapy and seems to be really working hard on making concrete changes.

OP posts:
44PumpLane · 15/12/2022 20:23

I wouldn't be happy to miss my children's first foreign holiday. However if you've not yet taken them away, are you likely to?

As a parent if it was a case of miss their foreign holiday or they likely don't ever get a foreign holiday I'd be upset to miss it but I'd absolutely do it so my kids could have that experience.

So I very much get why you feel you're being out in an awkward position.

I think you should ask your Dad if your husband can come and your family pay for the extra space? That way your Dad isn't bankrolling someone he doesn't like but your husband gets to enjoy the kids first foreign holiday perhaps?

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 15/12/2022 20:23

gretti · 15/12/2022 20:19

My husband wasn't a good husband - I'm giving him another chance on the hope he has changed.

Show quote history

Sounds like you and DC should holiday without H or your Dad. If your Father is truly sorry he would accept if you don't want to or can't go. He should respect your boundaries otherwise nothing has changed.

watcherintherye · 15/12/2022 20:24

It’s fine to suggest a family holiday, but it’s a bit odd to suggest a family holiday to your adult children without including their partners!

LindorDoubleChoc · 15/12/2022 20:25

I haven't read the whole thread and haven't seen any drip feeds about how awful your DH is ... but WHY on earth would you go on holiday with a Dad who caused you childhood trauma and pain? You don't owe him anything. You don't need him in your life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2022 20:26

Your updates about DH being a dick don’t mean your Dad isn’t one too and possibly more of one. You’re still wrong for setting yourself up as a victim of the awkwardness between the two men. While your dad is the one causing unnecessary drama you’re still choosing to be married to your husband and you shouldn’t be putting him in this situation.

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 15/12/2022 20:27

First of all, if your DH was going, would you want to go?

If so, I would say to your Dad that it’s not a family holiday without your DH, so either your DH comes to or you don’t go.

If your Dad doesn’t understand that, then the holiday suggestion is merely a sneaky way of trying to put a wedge in between you and your DH.

If you don’t want to go, with or without your DH, don’t go!

blubberyboo · 15/12/2022 20:28

Your husband is right

he should be there for his daughters first holiday

your dad is creating a rift by not inviting him and he knows it. He’s still controlling you.