Holiday dilemma making me feel ill!

[gretti]

So my dad doesn't like DH. DH isn't a fan of my dad either. Me and DH went through a rocky patch which made things worse between Dh and my dad.

They've never fallen out. They've never even argued. They just don't speak however I'm not overly close to my dad. My dad has also caused me a lot of trauma and pain from my childhood and also he had an affair which ended his marriage to my mum.

Despite this, he's my dad and he's in my life. I'm not as close to him as I'd like to be but he is always there for me.

Dad took me and my sister out for lunch the other day and said he would like us to have a family holiday abroad next year - he's paying for it. My sister doesn't have a partner or DCs. I have 3 dcs. My sister is really up for it.

Spoken to Dh about it and he's not happy and says I shouldn't go. Youngest ds is 4 and has never been on a plane before. Dh says he wants to be there when DS experiences this for this first time.

He's told me to go - but is in a mood and says 'don't worry about me'

He then said it was out of order and unfair on him. He's told me to tell my dad I can't go because I don't think it's fair Dh misses out on ds first holiday abroad.

I can see why he's upset about this. I really can. I've suggested that maybe he could try contact my dad and reconnect and maybe he could also join us.I think my dad would respect this a lot. DH didn't really say much when I suggested this.

I'm absolutely stuck in the middle. If I tell my dad no then I'm letting him down and my sister and the kids! If I go then I'll just feel shit the whole time and I know DH just won't be happy.

All this being said - regardless of the dh/dad dilemma, im not overly comfortable with going anyway. If it were up to me I'd rather not. I've just finished therapy where I've realised how abusive my dad was as a kid. A very clever man and has a way of making us feel so unimportant. However this is him making an effort so I don't want to let him down either.

It won't be a holiday I'm particularly looking forward to either way.

Advice?

From the sound of my dads reply - it could actually turn out that way.

My dads reply was along the lines of he totally understands, he's happy for DH to come and he's happy that we are making things work. I can't ask anymore from my dad.

My dad is a complicated man and I gave up trying to figure him out a long time ago. He wasn't the best dad at all. But he has always always been there for me and there's been a lot of times when I've needed him and he's there no questions asked. I can see why people wonder why I would even want to go but its difficult to understand.

At the risk of drip feeding - I was fed up with Dh. For a good year before I left him, he was completely selfish and so difficult to be around. Again not violent, no shouting but everything was just about him all the time. Whenever I would try voice how I felt, it didn't matter. So my mental health took a knock. As predicted when I told Dh that I wasn't well mentally, he turned it around to be all on him so I left.

It knocked him for six. I refused to go back until I was sure there was going to be a change. Dh then convinced himself that I was seeing someone else and that's where it all got messy. He sent some very nasty messages to me over a period of time which I showed both my parents. Although my dad never slated DH, he said that he needed help.

Dh ended up putting himself in therapy and we have been rebuilding for a while now. All was going well until this happened.

I think the offer of a free holiday is clouding your judgement

Don't expect your DH to go on holiday with somebody he doesn't like and who doesn't like him

Sounds like a stupid idea

Why don't you go and take the kids if your dad is so good with them

That's the problem with over sharing.
Are you surprised they don't talk? Your husband is probably embarrassed and your dad will really dislike him for the way he treated you.
I would expect some major bridge building and a thawing of relations way before you go or you will have a holiday living on your nerves.

If the tables were turned and my in laws offered to take my husband and children on holidays without me I wouldn't be pleased but the thing I would be really cross about is my husband being willing to go along with that level of dysfunction, control and manipulation. So, no, I wouldn't do that to my husband either. You get to choose what you do but if you go then you you are making a huge and loud statement without uttering a word. Then what exactly will you be communicating to your kids? Somehow I can't see anyone sitting them down and saying "Oh Grandad doesn't like Daddy so he won't pay for Daddy to come with us all" and even if you gave that honest answer it sounds completely ridiculous!

Can’t you just go without the kids or DH and have it just a family adult holiday?

@gretti first of all, you aren't looking forward to the holiday either way so why go irregardless?

Second, you recognise he was a dad father. What will you do if he treats you or DC the same while you're away? If he can't be trusted to behave dear god don't lock yourself into time away with him where you can't escape.

Third, it's just fucking disrespectful. If your husband wanted to take the kids on holiday with his family and leave you home alone you'd be devastated. Would you let him take them and go or expect him to say no?

You say he could call and make nice with your dad. Even if he isn't the best husband, someone who loves you won't like watching you take being treated like shit or making nice with someone he knows does that. He's your dad, you need to be the one that deals with him. You tell him what he's offering is unreasonable.

I've spoken to DH and read him my dads response to my message. I said it's a good thing as it's finally put to bed and my dad totally understands of the situation and wouldn't want Dh to miss out. I said it was a chance for them to build bridges.

Dhs response was no - he doesn't want to go and he doesn't want us to go either. He's gone from saying I need to tell my dad that it's unfair because Dh doesn't want to miss dc first holiday abroad to be actually just doesn't want any of us to go.

As I've said, my dad isn't bad hasn't been the best but this is my Dh being controlling which deep down was my gut feeling. It's got nothing to do with not being apart of a family holiday. He just doesn't want us to go - he said he wouldn't trust me being away for a week. Nothings changed in our marriage :-( sadly this has highlighted this.

Now I'm just getting the awful silent treatment from him.

Have you read the full thread?

Yep I get it @gretti - I felt very much the same about my Dad. He came good in the end, despite being a bit rubbish for a lot of years. I hope yours does too.

Yes, and personally I don't think she should be giving her husband another chance but that's her choice. OP is appeasing two abusive men. Both of them are behaving wrongly, but OP made this thread to chat about her dads offer not whether she should be with her husband. Her husband being a shithead doesn't make her dads offer right.

Sounds like you're stuck between trying to please two abusive men. But now you don't know which one to placate which is why you're so stressed out.

Don't go, and finish with your husband. He's no good for you.

Thank you. I'm glad someone does!

I have backed off my dad completely for a while now. And I'm happy with how our relationship is. I gave in and accepted id never have the close dad/daughter relationship that I wander. Equally I didn't want to lose him. He's still my dad.

I told myself I would back off but if he made the effort then I would be there.

My point was that the dad has said that the husband is invited.

Sorry, should have said that was to @ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen.

I feel like I'm reading a different thread than everyone else 🙄
I would go.
You feel your dad is trying to make amends and your relationship is in a good place now. His message about your dh backs that up.

I think it is your dh being an arse. Especially after the latest development but even before that. He sounds like he doesn't want you to spend time with your family.

I think he will be finishing with me at this rate. I've done everything he asked. He's always been nervous of being around my dad again. I can't ask anymore of my dad in his response.

My dad was abusive a long time ago. It doesn't make it ok but I don't think he is now. Clearly DH continues to be though.

I give up tbh.

@gretti can you go abroad with DH first? Then see how you feel? Do that regardless. And don't go with your Dad, or do, if you want to. But go with DH and DS first.

Thank you! I genuinely feel that this is how it is. Drip feeding again I know but when we were having lunch the other day, dad got emotional and said this would be the last family holiday that we could have and he just wanted to make some special memories with me and my sister and his grandkids. He had tears in his eyes. How could I say 'no thank you'? I can't.

I can't predict what the holiday would be like but I want to give my dad that chance to make amends and have the memories.

Look OP, I don't think your husband is great, nor your dad. Those with abusive tendencies have them. I wish you'd seen this earlier and recognised you were going for someone like your dad and get therapy to break the cycle.

But your husband is nervous of being with your dad, your dad has a history of abusive behaviour, and you want to jump straight into a long holiday abroad together? It's too much! Why not start small with a weekend somewhere first?

@Blowthemandown possibly but he's admitted this isn't about missing out on DS first holiday. This is him not wanting to go and him not wanting me to go as he's still as paranoid as ever deep down :-(

I don't know why the solution was DH going anyway. YOU don't want to go. That is entirely reasonable and completely separate from the whims of the two men in your life. Don't go if you don't want to. Take your sister away with the kids instead and don't come back

No “holiday” is worth this kind of hassle.

That doesn’t sound like a huge infraction tbh, making that first move is hard. If he’s genuinely trying with regards to you, there is no way I’d go without him. Thanks dad but I won’t go on dds first overseas holiday without her dad there, it wouldn’t be fair to him.

dad got emotional and said this would be the last family holiday that we could have and he just wanted to make some special memories with me and my sister and his grandkids. He had tears in his eyes. How could I say 'no thank you'? I can't.
This doesn’t mean anything necessarily. Abusive men are full of emotion. ‘I only hit you because I love you <sobs>’. ‘If you loved me you wouldn’t take that job where there will be MEN in your office <sobs>’. ‘You can’t destroy our beautiful family by leaving just because I beat you up, I’ll just die if I can’t see my daughter every day <sobs>’
it will be special memories with your dh there too. People can have special memories of holduays with their grandchildren with their children’s partners there too, happens every single minute of every day. If he really wants you all to have a perfect holiday then he’ll say sure your dh can come. If instead he just wants to delude himself he’s a great dad by having everything on his terms he will say No, this trip will only create special memories if YOU ALL FOLLOW MY RULES EXACTLY. Otherwise you will ruin it and it will be all your fault!!
see? Not exactly purely wishing you a great time is he?