Holiday dilemma making me feel ill!

[gretti]

So my dad doesn't like DH. DH isn't a fan of my dad either. Me and DH went through a rocky patch which made things worse between Dh and my dad.

They've never fallen out. They've never even argued. They just don't speak however I'm not overly close to my dad. My dad has also caused me a lot of trauma and pain from my childhood and also he had an affair which ended his marriage to my mum.

Despite this, he's my dad and he's in my life. I'm not as close to him as I'd like to be but he is always there for me.

Dad took me and my sister out for lunch the other day and said he would like us to have a family holiday abroad next year - he's paying for it. My sister doesn't have a partner or DCs. I have 3 dcs. My sister is really up for it.

Spoken to Dh about it and he's not happy and says I shouldn't go. Youngest ds is 4 and has never been on a plane before. Dh says he wants to be there when DS experiences this for this first time.

He's told me to go - but is in a mood and says 'don't worry about me'

He then said it was out of order and unfair on him. He's told me to tell my dad I can't go because I don't think it's fair Dh misses out on ds first holiday abroad.

I can see why he's upset about this. I really can. I've suggested that maybe he could try contact my dad and reconnect and maybe he could also join us.I think my dad would respect this a lot. DH didn't really say much when I suggested this.

I'm absolutely stuck in the middle. If I tell my dad no then I'm letting him down and my sister and the kids! If I go then I'll just feel shit the whole time and I know DH just won't be happy.

All this being said - regardless of the dh/dad dilemma, im not overly comfortable with going anyway. If it were up to me I'd rather not. I've just finished therapy where I've realised how abusive my dad was as a kid. A very clever man and has a way of making us feel so unimportant. However this is him making an effort so I don't want to let him down either.

It won't be a holiday I'm particularly looking forward to either way.

Advice?

I was a bit perplexed by this too.

It's not clear that OPs father has deliberately excluded OPs husband.

It sounds more like an assumption the invitation was to his daughters/grand children only.

I was happy with the relationship I had with my dad. I can go weeks without seeing him. However we do FaceTime quite regularly which works both ways. I've never felt any pressure to keep up a relationship with him. My eldest has sen and my dad is actually great with him. Something that always surprised me. He takes him away for a break quite often and my really has made such an effort and created a good bond with him.

I think basically my dad is just trying to make amends with his kids. My sister can't wait to go.

My loyalties should lie with Dh, I get that but if DHs behaviour would of been better during our bad patch, he 100% would of been invited on this holiday too. I even think he probably would be invited now. My dad has never said anything particularly bad about him. I'd ask my Dad if Dh could join us but I'd need Dh to at least be prepared to speak to my dad before we go.

Seems like your dad is still abusing you. They probably don't like each other as they recognise they are both the same people. Are you sure your dad hasn't proposed this holiday just to cause trouble, especially if he knows it would upset your DH?

Also, you can't ask DH to contact your dad to try and smooth things over, it would never work with people like this.

@Trez1510 yes this is correct. I felt uncomfortable asking in the restaurant with my sister there to be honest.

Why do you care about letting your abusive dad down? I think your DH is right to say you shouldn't go without him.

No I'm sure he hasn't done it to cause friction. My dad doesn't work like that.

He's done it and is expecting both me and my sister to be really excited and thankful. My sister is - she wants a free holiday. I'm not overly thrilled.

It really won't of crossed his mind that he's putting me in this situation. He will just be thinking that he's doing a good thing.

What, your dad invited you on a holiday, with your kids, but without your husband?! What on earth? I can not imagine my parents even dreaming of doing that. I'd be furious if I was hour husband - and you too, to be honest. I wouldn't be going on principle, and would be explaining why to my ridiculous, manipulative, controlling father!

I hate letting anyone down. Can't stand it. It doesn't matter who it is.

I don't want to have a bad relationship with my dad. I'd rather get on with him. He absolutely wasn't the best dad in the world. All he did was work, never interested in me or my sister. There was never any violence or even any shouting. It was just not always a nice atmosphere.

He had an affair when I was an adult because my mum didn't show him any love. Which I'm not surprised she didn't. My loyalties have always remained with my mum and always will.

Surprisingly though she says for me to go on the holiday. She says Dh made his bed with what he's done and shouldn't expect to be involved in everything even though we are trying to make our marriage work.

There’s no magic solution here tbh.

I’d go, but mostly because I can’t be bothered with adults who’ll deny their kids something just because they’re in a strop about not going too, especially when it sounds like he’s not invited because they fell out about him treating you badly anyway.

Honestly it would be the worst time if you went and you dh went and your dh and dad didn’t speak the whole time. You’ll be stressed the entire time. As a compromise could you not go on a city break or long weekend with your Dad and sister and go away with your family separately? It seems that you are between a rock and a hard place given the relationship with both of these men. You will not win whatever you decide.

Forget what your dad and husband want. What do YOU want?

Maybe your df invited you knowing it would cause issues between you are your dh?

You say there is no way he hasn't included your DH (though you do need to clarify this point tbh) to cause friction in your marriage but you have to accept that despite that, it will harm your marriage if you go without him. I would also be furious if my DH was considering taking my kids abroad for the first time without me.

You have made the choice to work on your marriage and your side of the famy should respect that choice. It's not for them to decide that the won't support your decision and your mum, sister and father should be supporting you to have a healthier marriage - sounds like you have terrible boundaries in general - rather than encouraging you to take actions which will harm it further.

Thank you for your replies. It's been really helpful and I'm about to contact my dad to ask him to clarify what he means about who is invited - I will let you all know the response.

Where I just feel let down by Dh is what when we agreed to try again, he was very accepting that my dad probably wouldn't want a relationship with him now. He was going to text my dad to apologise but it never happened. They just haven't spoken for a good 18 months now. I always said I never wanted to feel torn between him and any of my family and he was full of promises that he knows that he has to make amends and would be fully supportive of me.

I just wish he could see it from my point of view.

Agreed.

You say you want to make your marriage work and that your DH is making efforts to improve and is doing therapy.

Why do you see turning down the holiday as letting your Dad down?
Your Dad is creating a rift in your marriage by excluding your DH, just as he must know the two of you are trying to make a go of it.

You've already said you don't particularly want to go on this holiday and he wasn't a good dad when you were growing up.

You don't have to go on a holiday to have a relationship with your Dad.
You already see him regularly. If turning down the holiday makes your Dad withdraw his affection then the holiday is just emotional blackmail.

If you are getting on well with your DH, I'm sure your DC would want him on holiday too.

My dad has also caused me a lot of trauma and pain from my childhood and also he had an affair which ended his marriage to my mum.

So why would you want to holiday with him?

Update - I text my dad and he replied straight away saying of course Dh can come. He understands and wouldn't want Dh to miss out.

It all lies with Dh now I suppose.

I wouldn't be going on holiday with an abusive parent, with or without my DH. 🤷‍♀️

All this being said - regardless of the dh/dad dilemma, im not overly comfortable with going anyway. If it were up to me I'd rather not.

There is your answer - you don't want to go, so don't. It is up to you - entirely just up to you and no-one else. What makes you think it isn't?

So when it causes tension if dh says no dh gets the blame? Op can you not see manipulation going on here +

What is it your DH did that was so bad? Cheating?

Your dad is being devisive, say no thank you but brace yourself from some bad behaviour.
I can't get my head around how some women can hold the 2 opposing thoughts that thier dad is an abuser and yet still a great man. I suppose it's a way of protecting themselves, properly rejecting him would put themselves at risk.

I'm with your husband tbh

I had a similar relationship with my Dad OP. He wasn't the best Dad, he wasn't abusive or anything like that, but he had an affair and put his AP first for a lot of years. However, over time things changed and he was a much better Dad and really good grandad to my kids. My DH did get on with him, so we didn't have the dynamic that you do, but I do understand your situation.
I'd say that if your DH, who sounds to actually have been equally shitty to you, could be persuaded to go, it could actually be chance to build bridges between you all?

I sympathise OP.

Depends what either of them did. It's all so vague that nobody can say either way tbh