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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday dilemma making me feel ill!

105 replies

gretti · 15/12/2022 20:09

So my dad doesn't like DH. DH isn't a fan of my dad either. Me and DH went through a rocky patch which made things worse between Dh and my dad.

They've never fallen out. They've never even argued. They just don't speak however I'm not overly close to my dad. My dad has also caused me a lot of trauma and pain from my childhood and also he had an affair which ended his marriage to my mum.

Despite this, he's my dad and he's in my life. I'm not as close to him as I'd like to be but he is always there for me.

Dad took me and my sister out for lunch the other day and said he would like us to have a family holiday abroad next year - he's paying for it. My sister doesn't have a partner or DCs. I have 3 dcs. My sister is really up for it.

Spoken to Dh about it and he's not happy and says I shouldn't go. Youngest ds is 4 and has never been on a plane before. Dh says he wants to be there when DS experiences this for this first time.

He's told me to go - but is in a mood and says 'don't worry about me'

He then said it was out of order and unfair on him. He's told me to tell my dad I can't go because I don't think it's fair Dh misses out on ds first holiday abroad.

I can see why he's upset about this. I really can. I've suggested that maybe he could try contact my dad and reconnect and maybe he could also join us.I think my dad would respect this a lot. DH didn't really say much when I suggested this.

I'm absolutely stuck in the middle. If I tell my dad no then I'm letting him down and my sister and the kids! If I go then I'll just feel shit the whole time and I know DH just won't be happy.

All this being said - regardless of the dh/dad dilemma, im not overly comfortable with going anyway. If it were up to me I'd rather not. I've just finished therapy where I've realised how abusive my dad was as a kid. A very clever man and has a way of making us feel so unimportant. However this is him making an effort so I don't want to let him down either.

It won't be a holiday I'm particularly looking forward to either way.

Advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
gretti · 15/12/2022 23:31

deeperthanallroses · 15/12/2022 23:18

dad got emotional and said this would be the last family holiday that we could have and he just wanted to make some special memories with me and my sister and his grandkids. He had tears in his eyes. How could I say 'no thank you'? I can't.
This doesn’t mean anything necessarily. Abusive men are full of emotion. ‘I only hit you because I love you <sobs>’. ‘If you loved me you wouldn’t take that job where there will be MEN in your office <sobs>’. ‘You can’t destroy our beautiful family by leaving just because I beat you up, I’ll just die if I can’t see my daughter every day <sobs>’
it will be special memories with your dh there too. People can have special memories of holduays with their grandchildren with their children’s partners there too, happens every single minute of every day. If he really wants you all to have a perfect holiday then he’ll say sure your dh can come. If instead he just wants to delude himself he’s a great dad by having everything on his terms he will say No, this trip will only create special memories if YOU ALL FOLLOW MY RULES EXACTLY. Otherwise you will ruin it and it will be all your fault!!
see? Not exactly purely wishing you a great time is he?

Everything you have described as an abusive man points at my DH to be honest. Except the hitting part. Neither my dad or Dh have ever hit me.

OP posts:
Original poster
gretti · 15/12/2022 23:34

I get what people are saying about my dad but no one seems to be reading the full thread here which is a fault Dh not wanting me to go on this holiday because it sends his paranoia into full rage mode. My gut told me it was nothing to do with missing DS first holiday abroad. I knew it was more than that and it turns out I was right when I've been snapped at tonight. Sad thing is I've never ever cheated on him.

My mum thought this too. She was also right.

OP posts:
ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 15/12/2022 23:55

gretti · 15/12/2022 23:34

I get what people are saying about my dad but no one seems to be reading the full thread here which is a fault Dh not wanting me to go on this holiday because it sends his paranoia into full rage mode. My gut told me it was nothing to do with missing DS first holiday abroad. I knew it was more than that and it turns out I was right when I've been snapped at tonight. Sad thing is I've never ever cheated on him.

My mum thought this too. She was also right.

I did read the thread. Your husband is being a dickhead. He's as abusive as your dad. But, even though his reasons for being mad about the holiday are wrong, the original offer was still wrong.

If your husband wanted to take the kids on holiday without you with his family you would have been super upset and felt very disrespected as the childs mother and left out.

Leave your husband if you want, I would encourage it. But I still don't think you should go on holiday with your dad. Because just like your husband, he's still got the abusive tendencies. You already were not looking forward to it. HE wants to go on holiday because HE is saying its the last chance. There is no reason it is. Its what HE wants to do when HE wants to do it. That's him being controlling. He's using emotion of being 'last chance'. You go away with him on an extended break, on his money, with no escape. He's in control.

They are both abusive, will always be abusive.

JRHartley72 · 16/12/2022 06:26

gretti · 15/12/2022 22:45

Thank you! I genuinely feel that this is how it is. Drip feeding again I know but when we were having lunch the other day, dad got emotional and said this would be the last family holiday that we could have and he just wanted to make some special memories with me and my sister and his grandkids. He had tears in his eyes. How could I say 'no thank you'? I can't.

I can't predict what the holiday would be like but I want to give my dad that chance to make amends and have the memories.

Show quote history

I'm reading it the same as CJsGoldfish. Your dad isn't the same man he was years ago and you and your sister both recognise that and his willingness to make amends, whereas your DH is stuck firmly in the same pattern of abusive control over you. Let's be honest here, your DH's objection was never about him not being invited on the holiday – it was about your dad doing something nice for you and making you happy and he doesn't want to allow that to happen. He wants you at odds with your dad because it makes you more reliant on him.

Go on the holiday, have an amazing experience with your children, and use the time to take a long, hard look at your marriage, because it does not sound like a healthy relationship at all.

Paq · 16/12/2022 06:31

If your dad really cared about you he would be trying to make amends with your husband, not causing a further wedge in your relationship.

jenny38 · 16/12/2022 07:03

Your dad wants one last family holiday,, which is a nice sentiment.

Even if He was reticent about DH coming, he has had the good grace to rethink this. Your DH after saying its not fair, now wants none of you to go.

DH is an adult, but seems to lack some skills in the building bridges department. Perhaps when ge calms down, he will rethink. However I don't think you should miss this time with your father and sister. Point out that they are your family and part of the deal in marriage is making an effort with each others families.
If refuses and cites the first holiday abroad issue. Tell him you are happy to go on a holiday with him too and can schedule this first.
Recently I went away with my siblings and parent. Although we had a specific reason to go, my DH wasn't invited. He understood. He wasn't keen on spending his annual leave with my parent, and so didn't knick up a fuss. It actually meant he was able to take a week off while kids at school, and we spent some childcfree time together.
Go and enjoy the holiday. Tell DH you are going, it's a one off. He's invited, if he chooses not to go that's his choice.

Twiglets1 · 16/12/2022 07:11

Your DH sounds like a bit of a selfish dick - denying your children a free holiday abroad because he wants to witness your youngest experiencing their first flight.
Basically, both men have toxic qualities. Just do whatever you want to do and what you think will be best for your children.

Doingmybest12 · 16/12/2022 07:21

Will your children enjoy and benefit from the holiday ? If they will and your husband usually accepts there is a relationship with grandad and you feel it is safe with grandad etc then your husband is being mean and selfish. Why would he want his children to miss out ? When he is planning on arranging a holiday for you all? I couldn't be with someone who wanted my children to miss out because he won't be there.

Winterpetal · 16/12/2022 07:24

Well if your dad was really trying hard ,he wouldn’t put u in this position,he would of automatically invited your dh .
so tell your dad he needs to invite your dh for us to want to go ,if he’s such a great dad ,making amends he will do this willingly..if not ,then he’s trying to drive a wedge

Mummadeze · 16/12/2022 07:24

I would go on the free holiday and enjoy it with the kids. The invitation to your husband is there so at this point it is his choice whether to come or not. He shouldn’t get to rule over you. Do your own thing.

JassyRadlett · 16/12/2022 07:29

Winterpetal · 16/12/2022 07:24

Well if your dad was really trying hard ,he wouldn’t put u in this position,he would of automatically invited your dh .
so tell your dad he needs to invite your dh for us to want to go ,if he’s such a great dad ,making amends he will do this willingly..if not ,then he’s trying to drive a wedge

This is one of those threads where it's super useful to read all of OP's posts before replying.

The dad has indeed invited the husband. The husband is being a dick about it.

Winterpetal · 16/12/2022 07:29

Have read full thread
so dad has invited dh ..
leave the ball in dh corner now ,tell him how long he has to think about it and accept ,but you and kids are definitely going

Winterpetal · 16/12/2022 07:30

JassyRadlett · 16/12/2022 07:29

This is one of those threads where it's super useful to read all of OP's posts before replying.

The dad has indeed invited the husband. The husband is being a dick about it.

Show quote history

Yeah absolutely,I missed that development

FOJN · 16/12/2022 07:33

Where I'm finding it difficult as both my dad and my husband are not appreciating the difficult situation I feel I've been put in. Only thinking about themselves as usual.

I say this kindly but the situation is only difficult because you think it's your job to keep both of them happy, it's not. Whatever decision you make one of them is going to be upset, that's tough shit they are both adults. It is not your job to fix their relationship either. One or both would make compromises if they weren't so concerned with themselves. Stop assuming the responsibility for preventing a family upset and make the decision which feels right for you.

OldReliable · 16/12/2022 07:35

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 15/12/2022 23:55

I did read the thread. Your husband is being a dickhead. He's as abusive as your dad. But, even though his reasons for being mad about the holiday are wrong, the original offer was still wrong.

If your husband wanted to take the kids on holiday without you with his family you would have been super upset and felt very disrespected as the childs mother and left out.

Leave your husband if you want, I would encourage it. But I still don't think you should go on holiday with your dad. Because just like your husband, he's still got the abusive tendencies. You already were not looking forward to it. HE wants to go on holiday because HE is saying its the last chance. There is no reason it is. Its what HE wants to do when HE wants to do it. That's him being controlling. He's using emotion of being 'last chance'. You go away with him on an extended break, on his money, with no escape. He's in control.

They are both abusive, will always be abusive.

Show quote history

Yeah, this.

SpicyFoodRocks · 16/12/2022 07:38

I would run a mile from a jealous, paranoid and insecure man. It’s hideously unattractive. And dangerous for some women. His therapy has not worked. Leave before he undoes the progress you have made in your own therapy.

Whether you go away or not, your husband has shown his true colours.

Are you stable financially if this marriage ends?

liarliarshortsonfire · 16/12/2022 07:47

If YOU don't want to go anyway, then don't go. Stop people pleasing your Dad, if you'd rather not go anyway there is your answer. If you'd have said you did want to go and was looking forward to it, then I'd say go. Stop trying to please everyone and not yourself.

user432900976 · 16/12/2022 08:56

Ltb (dh)

I'm shocked at the responses all siding with DH.

I have a similar situation to you with my own Dad. I'm no longer with dc's dad (abusive) but if I showed my dad he'd respond in the same way.

Your dh is using it to control you. He's suspecting you're cheating, most of the time this is because they themselves are cheating.

Go on holiday and enjoy!

SammySawdust · 16/12/2022 09:10

Go on holiday with your Dad. He is at least trying to make amends and is doing a lovely thing. Your DH on the other hand sounds like a dickhead and is trying to make it into a terrible thing to suit his own ends.

Choconut · 16/12/2022 09:19

I think you've spent far too long worrying about your dad and your husband and doing what they want and it's time to stop and to just concentrate on what's best for you and your dc.

Would the dc love to go on holiday with your dad? Then take them, your dh sounds like an immature ass. If he's so desperate to be on his kids first holiday then he can come too, but he doesn't really care about that, that was just said to make himself sound like a doting father who was tragically missing out when really he just wants to control you.

It sounds like your dad may be emotionally manipulative too though - so you need to put in boundaries. That's what i'd be working on in therapy, being able to say no and making sure your boundaries are respected - by everyone. You sound like maybe as a result of your childhood you're a bit of a people pleaser and easily manipulated.

If you really don't want to go on the holiday though then say no. If you don't think your dad has genuinely changed then that is entirely fair enough or if you just don't want to go for whatever reason (of your own). Don't miss out because of your selfish and childish DH though.

Work out what you want and stand by it.

frazzledasarock · 16/12/2022 09:29

Do what you want to do.

stop trying to appease two abusive men.

make plans and leave your husband. He’s controlling and abusive and you don’t need to live with that.

MiniDinosaur · 16/12/2022 09:31

What’s jumping out here is that despite the therapy, your DH hasn’t changed and apart from the holiday dilemma, you should consider whether you want a future with a selfish, controlling manchild?

I’d go on the holiday without him if he doesn’t want to go, it will be a great experience for your DC if nothing else.

PriOn1 · 16/12/2022 09:52

I’d honestly be reluctant to take my children abroad with a father who used to be abusive and might have changed. If it all turns sour, would you be able to afford to get yourselves home? I realise you are trying to build a new relationship with him, but I feel you are potentially putting yourself in a very vulnerable situation. Try to think it through, leaving your concerns over your husband out of the equation. Are you uneasy about the holiday itself, or just about your husband’s reaction? Might it be possible to holiday in the UK, where cutting your time together short would be a whole lot easier, even if that would feel less exciting.

It does sound like your marriage is over though. My ex was devastated when I left him the first time. He made an effort at first, but ultimately didn’t change one iota and I wasted a lot of years on him, hoping it would all come right.

I think you need to think separately about what each of these men want from you. Stop putting them first and worrying about which of them you’re letting down. Potentially, if either of them is abusive, you’re letting yourself and your children down. Don’t do that. You’ll regret it later. Set them a good example and do what’s best for you and for them.

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 16/12/2022 10:09

you said your dad said it would be last opportunity to holidau together is that really true ( ie he will be too oldor ill to travel again afterwards) in which case go or is it maniplation like this could be my last christmas said every christmas for 20+ years
if your Dad is nearing the end of life it does put a different spin on it, but if he is 65 and fit and healthy in general ( though no -one can predict tomorrow) there will be other opportunities as there will for DH to holiday with kids
There is no need to take any account of the fact that he says you cant be trusted for a week away that is emotional blackmailing bullshit

joycies · 17/05/2023 19:58

I can't see one single positive thing about going abroad with a person who mistreated you however he's helped you since. Your husband is trying to protect you and the kids. He doesn't want you to have anything to deal with when he isn't there. Let him - he promised to do that when you got married ! What about just having a short holiday not too far from home like a long weekend and maybe your DH will be able to manage that?

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