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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a prude?

124 replies

liloandtitch · 15/12/2022 00:14

My little sister and her boyfriend like to touch each other’s bums and grip each other’s knees / thighs. They do this during family get togethers with my parents and other siblings. It makes me super uncomfortable.

Also, since being with him my sister has taken to going bra-less, and / or wears revealing tops that are either low cut or have side cut-aways or are crop tops, and all this flesh on display also makes me uncomfortable.

I realise that it’s great that she’s comfortable in her body of course and I’m glad she and her boyfriend love each other. I am not asking if they are being unreasonable because objectively I know that they are not. I am not going to say anything to them.

But am I unreasonable to feel squeamish about this? Would others feel uncomfortable seeing their sister’s nipples through thin fabric or mind seeing wandering hands on the sofa?

We’re all in our 30s. My sister and I had quite a ‘chaste’ upbringing, so perhaps I am being prudish.

YABU - I am a prude.

YANBU - It is normal to find this uncomfortable.

OP posts:
BeatieBourke · 15/12/2022 00:20

I'm not a prude but this would make me do a sick in my mouth. Its performative.

"Oi oi sis, put your nips away would you? I'm glad you're having a grand time shagging each other senseless but, NEWSFLASH, it's not something you family particularly relish thinking about. And your PDAs are cringe. We're not 16 anymore love."

That should sort it.

Original poster
liloandtitch · 15/12/2022 00:26

It does make me feel a bit ill - quite a visceral feeling of disgust, if I’m honest. I can’t rationalise it, but that’s what I feel.

OP posts:
Precipice · 15/12/2022 00:27

I think there are a few different issues here.

When you say nipples, do you mean actually seeing the whole nipple and areola through the pale thin fabric or just seeing the shape of the nipple through the fabric, like a little bump in the fabric? If the first, YANBU, that shouldn't be on display. If the second, YABU, because you can often see the shape of the bud of nipple through a bra and t-shirt (and even a thin long-sleeve top on top) on women and and similarly for men without the bra.

butterfliedtwo · 15/12/2022 00:29

What she wears is her business, but the PDA should be toned down at family events. There's no need.

mamabear715 · 15/12/2022 00:30

Yuck! I think I would feel a little ill too!

DinosaurDuvet · 15/12/2022 00:31

The clothes wouldn’t bother me, but the PDAs would nauseate me 🤮 absolutely no need

JustFrustrated · 15/12/2022 00:35

A hand on the knee is PDA?

Since when? Totally normal sign of affection. It's hardly licking each others faces.

I'd be seriously irritated if my sister or brother had an issue with my resting my hand on my husband's knee. We do it at home, alone, on the sofa...it's habit. Not performative.

Yes. You're being a prude. And judgy.

Hawkins001 · 15/12/2022 00:36

All the best op

Original poster
liloandtitch · 15/12/2022 00:37

Precipice · 15/12/2022 00:27

I think there are a few different issues here.

When you say nipples, do you mean actually seeing the whole nipple and areola through the pale thin fabric or just seeing the shape of the nipple through the fabric, like a little bump in the fabric? If the first, YANBU, that shouldn't be on display. If the second, YABU, because you can often see the shape of the bud of nipple through a bra and t-shirt (and even a thin long-sleeve top on top) on women and and similarly for men without the bra.

Middle ground really. Just imagine somebody in a normal cotton vest top (summer) or long sleeve t-shirt (winter) without a bra on. It’s quite obvious, but she is covered up.

I do realise she can wear what she likes. Just wondering about my reaction really.

Like it’s obviously okay for your parents to have sex but it’s also normal not to want to think about it!

OP posts:
BeatieBourke · 15/12/2022 00:43

I'm all for affection. A hand on the knee IS fine. But a stroke of the thigh, a squeeze of the bum - its sexy. Not for family eyes.

Tbh I probably used to do this a bit when I was first with DH. We're still affectionate, but the "We're so into each other and I love it (and I love other people knowing it)" is thankfully something we've grown out of ten years later. Apologies, ten years ago family!

I think, in the throws of a fairly new relationship, she's within her rights to be a bit loved up and batty. She's happy, even if it is insufferable. I also think you're within your rights not to like it.

Just give her the Ick face.

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/12/2022 00:44

The sexual touching in public is inappropriate. Tell her straight that nobody needs to see it.
Her clothing, who gives a fuck. When I think of all the time I wasted in my teens and twenties worrying that people might be able to see the outline of my nipple in a particular fabric of style, I realise how fucking ridiculous it was. Nowadays I just wear what I’m comfortable in and if that happens to be a crop top in the supermarket because I’ve just come from the gym, or bra-less in a meeting because bras are uncomfortable, then if other people are looking at my nipples the problem is entirely theirs.

EcafTnuc · 15/12/2022 00:50

So essentially you’re annoyed she’s not wearing a bra. Her nipple is in fact entirely covered you’re just seeing the bump. People have nipples, if she doesn’t want to wear a bra who are you to say she must? Don’t look, simple.

How long have they been together? Sounds like a honeymoon phase but a hand on the knee and a little bum squeeze? I don’t even think I notice normal PDA like a hand on the knee … dryhumping on the sofa in front of the kings speech is out of like but is a touch of the knee so gip worthy? We really are a repressed nation.

Precipice · 15/12/2022 00:59

Then I think it's fine, clothing wise. It sounds like she's just a woman not wearing a bra. Seeing a nipple through cotton isn't in itself different between male and female nipples. Do you never see her boyfriend's nipple 'showing' like this through the fabric, or your father's? Or is it just that that's not notable to you?

I'm assuming decent coverage over the actual breasts. You say she wears also revealing tops, but that's a separate issue. There's a difference between nipple slightly marking the fabric of a tshirt and a very tight-fitting top through which you can see the shape of each breast.

AiKayai · 15/12/2022 01:07

Any woman can wear whatever she likes. No woman has to wear a bra.

I'm not crazy about PDA's as a rule, but this one wouldn't be an issue.

BadNomad · 15/12/2022 01:17

The purpose of a bra is to give your breasts support. Nothing to do with nipples or anyone else.

pinkpotatoez · 15/12/2022 01:22

Women don't HAVE to wear bras so I think YABU with that. Also don't see the problem with hand on knee, the rest I agree with you

SirenSays · 15/12/2022 01:28

AiKayai · 15/12/2022 01:07

Any woman can wear whatever she likes. No woman has to wear a bra.

I'm not crazy about PDA's as a rule, but this one wouldn't be an issue.

Agree with this

angharadsgoat · 15/12/2022 01:37

Hawkins001 · 15/12/2022 00:36

All the best op

Grin

Strange thread for the early hours. Hand on knees is fine I think. The rest is a bit odd in public.

blameless · 15/12/2022 02:10

Precipice · 15/12/2022 00:27

I think there are a few different issues here.

When you say nipples, do you mean actually seeing the whole nipple and areola through the pale thin fabric or just seeing the shape of the nipple through the fabric, like a little bump in the fabric? If the first, YANBU, that shouldn't be on display. If the second, YABU, because you can often see the shape of the bud of nipple through a bra and t-shirt (and even a thin long-sleeve top on top) on women and and similarly for men without the bra.

Was that a considered response or just off the cuff?

Nosleepforthismum · 15/12/2022 02:12

Be grateful it is only your sister. Wait until your mum gets newly loved up and kisses her new DP between sentences at the dinner table. I’m still dealing with it 18 months later with no sign at all of them calming down. I’d take your sisters nipples and a bum pat any day 😅

YDBear · 15/12/2022 02:47

You say “am I a prude” as if it’s a bad thing. Why is it a bad thing? Am I the only one who deplores “raunch culture?”

Topseyt123 · 15/12/2022 03:58

I find that sort of overt display very cringeworthy and uncomfortable to watch. I might even consider telling her so.

Keep it private.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 15/12/2022 04:05

blameless · 15/12/2022 02:10

Was that a considered response or just off the cuff?

Show quote history

Bit too considered imo

Pointless2 · 15/12/2022 04:28

JustFrustrated · 15/12/2022 00:35

A hand on the knee is PDA?

Since when? Totally normal sign of affection. It's hardly licking each others faces.

I'd be seriously irritated if my sister or brother had an issue with my resting my hand on my husband's knee. We do it at home, alone, on the sofa...it's habit. Not performative.

Yes. You're being a prude. And judgy.

the OP said it was knees, thighs and bums, not just knees

My little sister and her boyfriend like to touch each other’s bums and grip each other’s knees / thighs.

PissedOffAmericanWoman · 15/12/2022 04:37

You are not being unreasonable but I sort of understand where she is coming from knowing your upbringing. I held back a LOT in high school because of my family upbringing. Parents slut shamed us a LOT for little totally normal things. When I finally got out and met someone it was really hard to let loose. Really hated myself but once I did finally relax I went a little nuts though not to your sister's extent.

When hubby and I got engaged we went a bit far but not for long. We caught ourselves and realized we were making everyone around us a bit sick and dialled it back. Mostly lots of cuddling, kissing, sharing food in an unintentionally intimate way and as our roommate called it "eye sex" (because we were staring into each others eyes and I guess it made them uncomfortable) which they vocally complained about. 😂 Nothing extreme like thigh grabbing or wearing non-existant clothing. That seems a bit odd to be.