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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a prude?

124 replies

liloandtitch · 15/12/2022 00:14

My little sister and her boyfriend like to touch each other’s bums and grip each other’s knees / thighs. They do this during family get togethers with my parents and other siblings. It makes me super uncomfortable.

Also, since being with him my sister has taken to going bra-less, and / or wears revealing tops that are either low cut or have side cut-aways or are crop tops, and all this flesh on display also makes me uncomfortable.

I realise that it’s great that she’s comfortable in her body of course and I’m glad she and her boyfriend love each other. I am not asking if they are being unreasonable because objectively I know that they are not. I am not going to say anything to them.

But am I unreasonable to feel squeamish about this? Would others feel uncomfortable seeing their sister’s nipples through thin fabric or mind seeing wandering hands on the sofa?

We’re all in our 30s. My sister and I had quite a ‘chaste’ upbringing, so perhaps I am being prudish.

YABU - I am a prude.

YANBU - It is normal to find this uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Thefriendlyone · 15/12/2022 04:57

A hand on the knee IS fine. But a stroke of the thigh, a squeeze of the bum - its sexy. Not for family eyes

😂😂😂

MangyInseam · 15/12/2022 05:27

It's a bit ick. The bra issue would not be so bad if it didn't seem to go along with the public bum squeezing, but since it does, it's difficult not to see them as related. And no one else in the family wants to think about that.

Benjispruce4 · 15/12/2022 06:36

Do you have a partner op?

PayPennies · 15/12/2022 06:47

strange thread. Also what’s a “chaste” upbringing? The only context where I’ve heard “chaste” being used still is in period fiction or pornography role modelling scenarios around chastity….

leithreas · 15/12/2022 06:58

Honestly I think it's a bit weird that you are sexualising the whole thing so much. Thinking about your sister having sex becasue she isn't wearing a bra and touched her boyfriends leg?

I would just see a couple touching each others legs(even if it was their thigh Shock) as affectionate not sexual.

The focus on the 'revealing' clothes too, it's just skin, you are the one sexualising her. I don't know if that's what 'prudes' do or pervs do or both.

ReneBumsWombats · 15/12/2022 07:28

liloandtitch · 15/12/2022 00:26

It does make me feel a bit ill - quite a visceral feeling of disgust, if I’m honest. I can’t rationalise it, but that’s what I feel.

That's rather more than just finding it a bit embarrassing or inappropriate so yes, I think your upbringing has something to do with it. Seems to have affected your sister in the opposite way.

Still, they should rein it in a bit if it's making company uncomfortable and I think any form of spanking or bum caressing needs to be in an appropriate environment.

CrunchyCarrot · 15/12/2022 07:31

I don't understand this aversion to nipples - seems to be quite a recent thing. When I was growing up (70s) it was never a 'thing'. They are a normal part of human anatomy!

Re your sister and bf, no I don't think it's anything to get too squeamish about (although you can't help your reactions).

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/12/2022 07:32

Would you feel the same about another couple or is it because it's your little sister? Is it because your 'chaste' family is around so you're possibly hyperaware of anything that implies sexuality?

EPFromTheStates · 15/12/2022 07:39

I would feel exactly the same way as you, and so would my friends and family. In fact, I'm pretty sure I would avoid being with your sister in public because of her being braless and showing flesh since I don't want others thinking that's okay with me, or with them together because of their public displays of affection. You are exactly where you need to be. Never compromise on your standards because of what others around you are doing or because of what is popular.

WonderingWanda · 15/12/2022 07:45

I think what she wears is her business but I'd find excessive PDA inappropriate in a family setting. I do think that in this case it sounds like your sister is showing off that she can break free from her chaste upbringing so will undoubtedly grow out of it and the best thing you can do is ignore it all and not bat an eyelid.

icantseeyourightnow · 15/12/2022 07:47

No, I don't think you're a prude. The first time my (adult) brother brought a girlfriend to stay at the family home, they were practically licking each other. I had this overwhelming 'ick' and I think in the end one of the parents asked them to tone it down while in public areas.

I think it's completely normal to have the 'ick' when you are confronted with siblings/parents etc and the thought of them having a sex life. That's not allowed!! 😘

EPFromTheStates · 15/12/2022 07:48

As an added thought, it's about respect for yourself and for others. Your sister and her boyfriend accenting each other's private areas before others does not show respect for them. Frankly, I would feel disrespected if my husband did these things to me in public or in front of my family. As for her showing flesh and not wearing a bra, how does that garner respect from others? Since wearing a bra is what respectable women do today as dictated by society's conventions, I'm sure people view her as a loose woman though they'd never say it. I don't want to hear about the sexual revolution and how it's okay to walk around like a hooker, something forced down women's throats in recent times to get them to sleep around with men. Being a walking billboard for sex has NEVER made a woman respectable.

themanwho · 15/12/2022 07:57

Do you feel uncomfortable when you can see men’s nipples too?

Yerroblemom1923 · 15/12/2022 08:01

Knees are ok, anything above that does not need touching in public! And as for not wearing a bra, surely it's too cold atm and she'll be poking people's eyes out?!

Thighlengthboots · 15/12/2022 08:02

Whilst I agree that its sometimes a bit bemusing/uncomfortable when a couple is all over each other in front of you, feeling visceral disgust is a it much- its not like theyre shagging in front of you. I think you should look at why this engenders such repulsion on your part and thats probably to do with your upbringing which as you said was very strict/chaste.

themanwho · 15/12/2022 08:03

It’s interesting that you think you know not only how you would feel in this situation, but also hope all your family and all your friends would feel too..

you can never really know what people are into and do in their private sex lives. People hide it.

i imagine the consensus of reaction your imaging from your friends and family is not real.. even if that is what you would all agree to think publicly

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/12/2022 08:08

I think it's hard to say without seeing it. A quick squeeze of a knee, a pat on the bum eg if you're having to squeeze past each other isnt really sexual, I'd do this to my kids. Whereas stroking someones inner thigh or actually groping their bum is sexual and I think its inappropriate

FlissyPaps · 15/12/2022 08:09

liloandtitch · 15/12/2022 00:26

It does make me feel a bit ill - quite a visceral feeling of disgust, if I’m honest. I can’t rationalise it, but that’s what I feel.

You need professional help.

H007 · 15/12/2022 08:09

Two separate issues here.

YANBU regarding the PDA’s 🤮
YABU regarding the clothing

Original poster
liloandtitch · 15/12/2022 08:10

PayPennies · 15/12/2022 06:47

strange thread. Also what’s a “chaste” upbringing? The only context where I’ve heard “chaste” being used still is in period fiction or pornography role modelling scenarios around chastity….

Sorry you think it’s strange. I used chaste after some thought because ‘uptight’ seemed a bit unfair on my parents. They were relaxed about many things and very loving, but we were all just intensely private I suppose. I never saw either of my parents even partly undressed, or my sister after the age of about 6. As soon as we could dress ourselves we did so behind closed bedroom doors and other family member would knock to come in. We never talked about puberty, sex, never had boyfriends, not that it was a banned subject, it was all just very embarrassing!

So I’m wondering if my discomfort (and my parents’ discomfort I presume - but still we don’t talk about it) with fairly mild PDA and bodies on show is unusual, or whether actually most other people would feel the same when it comes to close family members. (And it is family only, I wouldn’t mind so much if it were a friend. Might cringe a bit but not the same level.)

Just wondering if I have an issue I suppose!!

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 15/12/2022 08:13

EPFromTheStates · 15/12/2022 07:39

I would feel exactly the same way as you, and so would my friends and family. In fact, I'm pretty sure I would avoid being with your sister in public because of her being braless and showing flesh since I don't want others thinking that's okay with me, or with them together because of their public displays of affection. You are exactly where you need to be. Never compromise on your standards because of what others around you are doing or because of what is popular.

You think being braless isn’t ok?

Wow. Back to the 1950’s we go then 😂

FlissyPaps · 15/12/2022 08:16

We never talked about puberty, sex, never had boyfriends, not that it was a banned subject, it was all just very embarrassing!

Puberty, sex and having boyfriends was embarrassing?

Oh OP I’m sorry but that’s not normal. Sounds like something from some weird Amish cult.

Boooooot · 15/12/2022 08:18

You’re upbringing clearly has a huge part of how you feel. It’ll think yabu. But I grew up in a naked, fiery, open, no subjects taboo type of household. A bum squeeze or thigh squeeze is completely normal behaviour between two people in love.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/12/2022 08:22

I think you are being unreasonable about the bra. Bodies have nipples, woman shouldn't be pressured to wear a bra to pretend they don't have them.

SmileyClare · 15/12/2022 08:30

They must have the heating on high!

i’d be fucking freezing in a low cut crop top with nothing underneath, nipples numb blocks of ice. -5 degrees here 🥶

I don’t think their behaviour is particularly shocking or inappropriate. It’s great that they’re in the honeymoon period of their relationship.

it’ll soon wear off after a couple of kids, a mortgage, stressed, tired and disillusioned.

They’ll be barely tolerating each other like normal couples in a few years 😂