TA doesn’t like my child and made her really upset today.

[BelleandH]

One of the TA’s quite obviously doesn’t like my child. I’ve had a feeling there is a problem for a while but it’s so difficult to approach firstly because she’s sligh about it and secondly because I don’t want her to treat my DD any worse.
I’ve witnessed it myself, the way she spoke to my daughter so abruptly and then to another child about the same thing straight after ina much kinder way. She avoids any eye contact with me, and will stand talking to other mothers for ages about their children (one in particular who’s children a far more trying than mine)
today it came to a head when she tried to wrestle her coat on and stormed her down the corridor to me - at this point my DD burst into tears.
I contacted the head who was straight away on the defence with his staff rather than listening to the facts.
DD is only 4, she is a lock down child from a shielding family so didn’t do any socialising from around 18 months. She’s not unruly but is strong willed. I’ve had so many compliments about her when she’s out with me so she’s not completely awful.

AIBU so put in a formal complaint about her?

How so?

The school sounds shit. The headteacher shouldn't be minimising or dismissing your concerns. Your concerns are valid and they deserve investigating and your mind putting at rest that your child is being treated fairly and kindly. I would complain. These early years are important. School should be fun at this age, you expect all staff in a school to be kind, regardless of behaviour. The behaviour is irrelevant

Me too. I think its getting more and more common too. My teacher friends are ill with the pressure it causes.

"Id [sic] make them shed a thousand tears for every single one of hers!! [sic] "

We're certainly finding out why teachers are leaving the profession this evening.

Your attitude towards children is completely wrong!!!

She wanted to carry her coat because she was hot after running g around outside. She had bright red cheeks and this was obvious. She was not at any point going outside between the cloak room and coming to me. I’m not going to make her be uncomfortable just to make the TA feel better about her ‘control’ issues.

Because all the sane ones get out while they can.

And then parents can complain to their hearts content that their child's whim to play butt naked in the snow was indulged.

This happened with my son when he moved to Junior school. He had a TA due to learning disability and this particular one really set him back. She was very harsh in her dealings with him amd her comments to me in the home/school book. We made repeated complaints and in the end they did recruit a new TA who was amazing. Maybe see if the teacher has noticed anything?

You need to communicate op not complain.

Stop assuming the worst (TA hates dd and head defended against me) and start talking and listening.

Ask to meet with the head. Say that you wonder if your dd isn't settling well and ask what you can do at home to support her.

I have had to do a lot of this over the year because my three children have a range of medical and neurological difficulties.

If I bowled in every time I thought my child had been let down, nothing would ever have got sorted. Teachers and TA's are doing their best. They have a range of needs to address and on top of that, academic standard to meet. They work very long hours for not great pay.

Help them and they will help you.

Not sure why you have tagged me in this

@Tundrawave I thought you were being accused of relishing making your child cry and was defending what you actually said. Sorry if you were offended.

Absolutely not a first child!!

Her compliments actually came from good behaviour, smiling at people rather than scowling like I see a lot of children do or even worse, shying away from adults because that’s obviously what schools teach them; that adults seem to have some sort of superiority and can treat them how they like and children still have to do as they’re told.

Schools do not teach children to shy away from adults. Some children are shy. Yours isn’t, great. No need to insult shyer, quieter children.

I’m not going to make her be uncomfortable just to make the TA feel better about her ‘control’ issues.

School is quite often crowd control. There are things that everyone has to do (like put coats on before going outside) - I’m sure that every parent has a view on how the rules shouldn’t apply or should be varied for their child only, but school is a communal place and that’s just not how it works.

If you feel this strongly then you’re free to allow her to express her opinion to you. Having a fight with the TA for not wanting to negotiate with your opinionated child on the matter, though, is too much.

Children need to follow simple instructions in a class environment. She didn't want to wear her coat but she was going out into a cold environment. A 4 year old child can't make that decision and a TA can't allow each child to decide whether to wear their coat or not. Another parent might complain that their child was allowed to leave school on a freezing cold day without a coat on.

You are being very unreasonable. A child needs to do what they are told in a group environment otherwise it's unmanageable. It's not a 1-1 situation.

Children do still have to do as they’re told, though, even if they aren’t told the way you or they would prefer it. Clearly there’s a limit - if an adult tells you to jump off the roof, you don’t do that, but she was told to put her coat on in minus degree weather!

I can see exactly the type of child your DD is from your responses I’m afraid.

What’s wrong with telling your child to listen to adults? If they ask her to put her coat on she should, if she’s asked to sit, she sits, if she’s told to finish her worksheet, she does it. It’s school. There’s plenty of time to be bold and strong willed in and out of school but following the rules should be non-negotiable. You’re basically asking the school to change/get rid of TA etc etc because your daughter is special. Every parent thinks their child is special - so does that mean all the children in her class should do as they like?
Tell your child to follow the rules instead of bothering the headteacher with this nonsense.

You seem to have a real distaste for schools, OP. I suspect the staff might’ve picked up on this. Perhaps home education might be better for you.

Was she not going home therefore going outside?

Also, 4 year olds struggle to carry their coats, they drop them, trip on them, trail them in puddles. I remember in my training year a kid tripped on their own coat and fell forward and knocked a tooth out. The TA expecting her to put on her coat was not a control issue, it's reasonable, practical and the safest place for the coat to be. I will not walk my class out for home time until every single child has their coat on as I know what can happen. Not a single child has ever overheated in those few minutes.

Also it will not help your case at all if you take a stance of 'not making her do x,y,z.' You can let her do whatever you want at home but you should be teaching her to respect the school expectations and teacher/TA instructions.

I mean, of course it's possible the TA doesn't like your kid. I don't know why anyone is saying this doesn't happen?!

But nothing you say seems concerning to me. Teachers/TAs have to be brusque when they're getting 16 kids ready to do something.

Your daughter is likely overtired and excited at the end of term.

Of course keep an eye on it but I don't think it's anything. I REALLY don't think you should do anything. Although she may not like your daughter, I think the likelihood of her 'taking out' her dislike of the teacher's teaching style is slim to none.

But some parents would complain about the staff if their child came outside in this weather, albeit for a few short seconds, without their winter coat etc on. Perhaps you would have been annoyed if your DD had come to you coatless and then felt cold a short while later. The TA may not have known how short a time she would have been outside, perhaps she thinks you walk. As a teacher, I would always try to ensure all children have their coats on when leaving school in this weather.

Sorry not read the full thread but that sounds really upsetting. At various times I've seen adults showing favouritism to some kids and freezing out others or being curt with them for no reason at all other than they just seem have taken a dislike to them. It is incredibly unprofessional and very hurtful. It is probably more hurtful for you than your DC but not pleasant for her either.

What do you mean she's sly about not liking your child? What has she actually done?
Are you sure you've not just taken offense because she talks to other mums more than you? Have you tried going up and chatting to her?

Surely the first step would be asking to speak to the teacher about your daughter being upset each day and what you could do to help her transition ?

By going straight into complaining to the head you’ve got nowhere.

As an adult how would you approach someone who weren’t sure about? Would you assume that they don’t like you and complain or would you have a conversation with them?

I’m sorry that she’s struggling and hope that it gets easier.