To be angry and upset to receive Christmas Cards?

[Evanted76]

My 24yr old son brutally took his life just before Xmas three years ago.

As you can imagine, we have all (me, DH and DS2) been a mess. We have all been diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. Both me and DS2 have been receiving trauma bereavement counselling.

We are now at a place where the pain is softening and I have a mixture of good and bad days. However, as you can imagine, Christmas, is hard. Very hard. We have the double whammy of it being Xmas plus the awful anniversary of our eldest son's suicide.

Despite this, my in laws (he has two sets of parents as his Mum and Dad divorced and remarried years ago) insist on sending us, and my own parents (who are still very much affected by their grandson's shocking death) Xmas cards! Even the first year, we received a card from them telling us to Have a Wonderful Xmas and Happy New Year! At the time, our living room was still filled with sympathy cards!! and enough flowers to make a florist jealous!

I've just been binning any cards that have been pushed through by neighbours and acquaintances who don't know what happened to us (we moved not long after he died) but I've just angrily binned another card from my father in law and step mother in law. I've told DH to have a word with his family as it hurts. He said he didnt want to as he doesnt want to upset them and told me just to throw them away. Surely they should understand its inappropriate? AIBU?

DillDanding why do you apologise before informing a woman who has lost her son she's being "very unreasonable."
So odd.

But the cards from people like neighbours who don’t know about your loss are understandable , as for people who do know I think you just have to remember that everyone grieves differently, perhaps trying to be jolly about Christmas was what got your FIL through . The best thing to do would be to tell your family and friends that for you Christmas is still tainted and likely will be for the foreseeable future so please don’t send cards / greetings as you find them upsetting .

Janbohonut in the same way I’d say, I’m sorry but I disagree. Not remotely odd.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I agree that in the nicest possible way, you are being a little unreasonable. For many people, especially of the elder generation sending a Christmas card is the done thing. They might feel that not sending one would be hurtful. Maybe your DH needs to let them know that you find cards upsetting so they don’t need to worry about sending one next year

I think that many people would think it was OK to wish you a happy Christmas. If you don't want to receive these very generic greetings, you should let all your family and friends know this in advance. You could send a message saying that due to your son's death, you are no longer celebrating Christmas and do not wish to receive cards and gifts.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Perhaps your DH could tell his parents to tone it down with the cards as its so upsetting for you.

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss,I cannot begin to imagine how you all must feel💐 I don't really think either parties are unreasonable x

I'm so very sorry, OP.

Firstly and most importantly @Evanted76 I am so sorry for your loss. Your OP is heartbreaking and I can only begin to imagine how hard it’s been for you and your family.

This is just my experience, I lost someone very close to me at Christmas time, very suddenly. It wasn’t what has happened to you but I do remember how isolating it was and how trivial and distant all the Christmas stuff felt - why didn’t the rest of the world not notice or care about the bomb that had gone off in my life? I also remember that for a few years the usual “Merry Christmas” platitudes were not just jarring but deeply upsetting - had they all forgotten? To receive them from strangers I suppose is manageable but from those that are close and should realise that this is not the time for cards saying “Merry Christmas” without a very definite qualifying “thinking of you” written inside, is hard to compute. I do also remember the rage I felt; I was seething mad at the unfairness of it all and I had nowhere to direct that overpowering feeling. I got mad with people in shops, with clumsy friends, with idiots who asked me if I was over it yet. It took a long time to accept that part of the process was managing other people’s responses to it which can range from the deeply painful to inappropriate to plain odd.

However, I think people are stumbling around and whilst not intending to upset, just don’t think. There are loads of people who just get it, but loads who don’t, and it’s often not the people you expect who fall into each camp. People should have the EQ to think this through but they don’t and in the end those of us who are bereaved have to accept this kind of thing. However I do think that it’s absolutely OK to tell people if something has upset you because I am sure they will want to adjust their behaviour and may even be floundering around not sure what to do and want the communication. Perhaps they can’t express their grief. It’s likely this is a clumsy attempt to do the right thing.

The other day I said something to a friend of mine who has been through something similar to you. I don’t know what I was thinking, it just came out the wrong way. She looked teary and I immediately said “oh sorry, I meant this not that, I’m so sorry”. I’m an idiot, I should know better … but I still got it wrong.

But you’re not unreasonable to feel as you do, not at all. 💐

I’m not sure how anyone can tell you you are being unreasonable. Christmas cards are not a necessity of life. I’m sure it could feel almost intrusive having things you do not want sent to your home in this situation.

Throw them in the bin. Tell your family you don’t want them. YANBU.

I am so sorry for your loss OP.

I think they might sent them as a way of reaching out to you and showing they care. It's understandable that it doesn't feel that way to you when you are deep in grief, but I think you should try not to reject the gesture. I won't pretend to be an expert in what you are going through, but it is always important to have people around you who care, even if they don't communicate it very well.

I had to log in for the first time in forever as I can't believe how many saying you are being unreasonable!!! Safe to say a lot thankfully have no idea of the absolute life destroying event losing a child actually is, especially in such circumstances,very different from any other loss.
When my toddler son unexpectedly and suddenly died in November , myself and my husband and newborn got 1 single Christmas card that year saying to the 3 of us, ommiting said toddler, that they hoped we had a lovely Christmas? I wondered if they were on fact on glue - it was mere unadulterated struggle for survival for a bloody long time that only those in that position can understand so no. You are most definitely not being u reasonable and its almost as if we are expected to take care of others discomfort around our grief by not saying anything or just accepting it with that mask we put to the world everyday.
I'm sorry no. This is your sons anniversary and people need to engage their brains a bit.
Much love to you and your beautiful son x

So do I. I spent a while looking for a card for DB and SIL as her mum died this year - picked one with a verse about how they are loved and thought of , not ‘have a great Christmas.’
Surely they can do this? OP, going forward I’d not open anything from them and tell your DH you don’t want to see it. Hopefully you can recognise their writing?

I cannot even begin to understand the pain of losing a child to suicide. When I close my eyes and even try to imagine it my mind can't even go there. To lose him at Christmas time aswell is just heartbreaking. I can totally understand you hating the happy clappy, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Joyous Noel cards plopping on your mat. I would feel like ripping them up into tiny little pieces and fucking them in the bin. YANBU OP, my heart goes out to you. Christmas time has changed forever in your house and how people can be so insensitive to that is beyond me no matter how well meaning they are. It's really disrespectful.

That is horrible, I am so sorry about your little boy. Sending you love.

I've lost 2 children, albeit under different circumstances a

I don't think your reasonable or unreasonable. Everyone grief manifests in different ways. I'd just keep throwing the cards away as inlaws are obviously having a different grief path.

Do you think ? The op's child died, why the fuck does she want to see a Christmas card. I'm pretty sure she wishes she could blot the whole thing out rather than try to be forced into the festive spirit.

It’s a terrible thing that has happened to you and I can understand your feelings. As to whether YABU I think it depends on the type of card. ‘It’s the most wonderful time of the year’ etc is very insensitive but a plain Best Wishes for Christmas and the New Year not insensitive. People may feel they don’t want to ignore you, also your husband may feel differently from you. Just bin them if it’s too much

Sorry, sent too soon.

I've lost 2 children, albeit under different circumstances, and I hate Christmas. It's so fake and commercialised and forced on those who just can't feel it. I communicate my wishes very openly yet still get cards because apparently I can't "not do Christmas". I tried a different tact and said people could at least acknowledge my sons names "Thinking of X and Y at Christmas". Not a single person can even manage that! They are so caught up in "the spirit of Christmas" that they can't consider my feelings. They simply HAVE to send a card but the subject of my children is too sad to include. So I bin the cards and ignore the whole thing. I'm not stopping anyone else doing it so it annoys the hell out of me that people can't leave me be.

Tell them. “Please don’t send us Christmas cards. It makes us feel very sad and reminds us even more than normal that DS isn’t here”. You have to be blunt about these things.

Christmas is in the middle of DD1’s birthday and the anniversary of her death. The first couple of years we didn’t do cards (and specifically told people not to send and why). Now we have younger children we do, but I remind people how much it means to me when people acknowledge dd in the cards.

You are not being unreasonable! If it upsets you then that is enough to insist your DH talks to them. I’m very sorry to hear about your son, my son suffers from depression and alludes to suicide. I have every sympathy for you and your feelings are far more important than the in-laws sending you unwanted jolly cards! 💐

Hear hear. Well meaning? Then think about who and what you are writing. "Thinking of you at this difficult time" in an Xmas card ok, but have a wonderful Xmas crap? Absolutely thoughtless.

Just stick them back in the postbox marked 'return to sender'. Pretty sure if someone was that intent on sending a Xmas card they could easily find one with a bland image and blank inner and write something like 'thinking of you at this difficult time'. They're probably just stuck thoroughly in their own little world.

My heart goes out to you. An awful thing to live with, when a loved one takes their own life. I know from experience.
That said, in the gentlest way possible, I agree with most that YABU. I get it. The 'anger stage of grieving' probably stays longer in these circumstances, and you are hitting out, but it really isn't the fault of the people sending cards, and hoping you can gradually begin to find a way to get through this time of year again.
I agree with the poster who said that people often don't know how to respond to a bereavement, and more so when it is a suicide and also when it is a young person. So many people feel so alone after a bereavement because others stop including them and avoid speaking to them and spending time with them. Whatever people do it is likely to be wrong in your eyes as - quite understandably - you are angry with the world.