To expect gift lists to be followed?

[areweungrateful]

My DH and I have one DC, who is 3 months old. We have an issue with one set of GPs buying inappropriate/ unwanted gifts. This isn’t just for DC, but us as well… think things like buying a height adjustable stand up desk when the office room is in the attic and has sloping ceilings.

As they have form for this, we made a list for Christmas presents for DC, split it and circulated it to those who wanted to buy, making sure there were a variety of options and price points. GPs have gone out and bought something outside of the list we gave to their side of the family, and is actually something we know someone else has already bought, but a brand/type that we looked at and decided we didn’t want due to reviews/ possible safety issues.

How do we manage this moving forward! Neither DH or I want to appear ungrateful when we receive these things that we just don’t want or need, as we do appreciate they would like to gift us things, nor do we want the confrontation of asking them to return it and get something else. Do we just regift/ sell things on? But then they’ll probably notice when they come to visit.

Are we being unreasonable to expect people to use the lists given to buy presents from?

I think you're taking the gift business far too seriously and are being totally unreasonable.

I mean - come on, who didn't have a grandparent, uncle etc who constantly bought them shit presents growing up and even as an adult? It's sometimes part of the fun working out how to keep a straight face, show them the present being used but secretly putting it in storage/to charity etc. I remember a few years ago my ex's step mum buying me (really randomly!) A bottle of Archers for Christmas, and my brother in his teens getting some sort of God awful plasticky bomber jacket and having to wheel it out occasionally.

A Christmas list that you're expecting to be strictly adhered to is slightly ridiculous IMO.

My PIL do this.

They ask for one thing the children want for around £30 each. Which is great. Only, they won’t wrap it and begrudgingly buy it, usually telling us that it’s a waste and the children will hate it - it’s things they have asked for.

What isn’t great is the huge amounts of other tat they also buy them.

Dd is 8. Last year she got massive amounts of toy make up sets - she doesn’t use any. Piles of clothes that she will never wear as they aren’t her style, it’s all pink and sequins, sparkly dresses - that’s not what she likes. Loads of random china Disney characters - she’s never expressed an interest in Disney or any of the characters in her life. Sets of books she has no interest in. So much waste that just gets taken to the women’s refuge for the next christmas (so great for them), huge piles of stuff that my children have no want or need for.

They must spend about £150 each child on this extra stuff.

Thing is, we don’t have much money. If they really wanted to spend that on the children, I could give them a list of things they really need and would love. Dh has tried speaking to them about it. But he gets told that they will get her what she likes as they know she loves it all. He had explained that it’s not what she likes, they say they know better. It’s part of a wider form they have for control though.

So there is the thing of presents should be great fully accepted, but what if it’s things that are wildly different to what someone likes?

My SIL gives me a gift list every year for birthdays and Christmas for her two DC and always has done since their births. Never followed it, never will. I buy age appropriate gifts that I'm confident that no one else will think to get. It really rubs me the wrong way.

I've never made a specific list but if someone asks, I usually just give a few ideas. For example 'dc1+2 are into football so something like goalie gloves/shin pads/new ball would be good and dc3 loves anything barbie or lol dolls'

Some of my family send me the cash and tell me to get it and wrap it up from them which tbh, I much prefer 🤣

Say thank you, smile and give to your next pal who has a baby!

YANBU Much as I find having a range of lists for a young baby a bit 🙄, if they've asked for a list and then have ignored it then and it's part of a long standing habit to give inappropriate gifts, then it's understandable that you're frustrated.

I doubt you'd have the same response if they were usually very thoughtful and this time they've gone off the list with good intentions and it happens to be something you've got safety concerns over.

We get asked if there is anything specific DD would like and also for ideas. I just said "art and crafts" this year for Christmas and also a very specific thing for her birthday which GPs will get. We don't want lots of things that song be used filling up space.

That's what me and my partner do also. We send pictures/screenshots of about 10-15 things that we would like and then we buy each other a few things from that list and a few surprises too

Ha I have in laws that know we keep an amazon list for DD and sometimes following sometime don't. They've already told us they haven't for Christmas and DD will be getting something that is basically a duplicate to something she already has (same toy different character theming). It's mildly annoying but I'd rather keep the peace and its nice they want to get her presents so I'll be polite and thankful and I guess move one of the similar toys on. I know DD would rather have something on the list though, she's 4 and old enough to ask for some things!

But why, if the child would really love something on the list?

You might buy something they don’t like and will never used and they will have missed out on something they would have enjoyed more.

Weird isn't it?
Gift probably ends up in the charity pile year in year out.

But why? Isn't it better to give something that they'll enjoy rather than something that probably will be regifted and possibly will end up in the landfill. If you refuse to follow a list at least give things like experiences which are environmentally friendly.