To expect gift lists to be followed?

[areweungrateful]

My DH and I have one DC, who is 3 months old. We have an issue with one set of GPs buying inappropriate/ unwanted gifts. This isn’t just for DC, but us as well… think things like buying a height adjustable stand up desk when the office room is in the attic and has sloping ceilings.

As they have form for this, we made a list for Christmas presents for DC, split it and circulated it to those who wanted to buy, making sure there were a variety of options and price points. GPs have gone out and bought something outside of the list we gave to their side of the family, and is actually something we know someone else has already bought, but a brand/type that we looked at and decided we didn’t want due to reviews/ possible safety issues.

How do we manage this moving forward! Neither DH or I want to appear ungrateful when we receive these things that we just don’t want or need, as we do appreciate they would like to gift us things, nor do we want the confrontation of asking them to return it and get something else. Do we just regift/ sell things on? But then they’ll probably notice when they come to visit.

Are we being unreasonable to expect people to use the lists given to buy presents from?

Just because a list is requested doesn't mean they are obliged to stick to it.

It's not a merchandise order.

If generosity is so troubling, just make a standing request for books to build the child's library.

PFB 🤔

My family has always done wishlists, you’re allowed to be annoyed but you should accept the gifts and thank them graciously.

People always think they are better at gift buying than they actually are. It’s annoying and wasteful but they won’t change.

They asked for the list.

People just love to make assumptions don’t they!

We didn’t have a wedding list, because we eloped as couldn’t afford a big wedding and didn’t want to have to make the decisions to leave any of our large extended family members out.

A PP was right; it’s a follow on car seat. Someone on DH’s side said they wanted to help us out with a big ticket item as DH was made redundant the week DC was born and we’ve been struggling to put money aside to get it when the time comes to move out of the current seat. And why wouldn’t we want to try and get the best version available that we possibly can.

And it’s actually my parents, so not another in laws thread, but I didn’t think that was in any way relevant.

I’m glad so many of you have big houses to store loads of things you don’t use as well as pots of gold to sit on that you can afford to throw unwanted gifts in the bin - and we’re talking about being ungrateful! What a suggestion. Just what the planet needs, more wasteful stuff going to landfill.

And of course I’ve replied to the people who “agree”, as they’re the ones who have actually made helpful suggestions instead of name calling 🤷🏼‍♀️

I honestly don't know why people are having ago at you here OP.

We have family who ask what to get our kids, we make a text message list of suggestions for them choose from including book vouchers and the NEVER EVER buy what we've asked for yet ask again at the next birthday and next Christmas. What's the point of asking!?

We always buy what they ask for and more.

I think OP maybe put people's backs up with a poorly chosen title.

OP, I do understand the frustration of people asking what you would like then ignoring what you say. My mother does this- she even says specifically "I will be getting item X" then gets something different, which is annoying when you have lots of people asking for suggestions who might have actually bought X.

She also has a tendency to get something a bit like the thing- so teenage DD asked for a Tshirt of a band she likes, DM said she'd happily buy her it, then bought a Tshirt of a completely different band on the basis that she (DM) doesn't like the first band. So lucky DD now has a Tshirt with a picture of a band her 65yr old grandmother likes, that she has never heard of

@pompomsandtinsel I think @RunDownRita is right. The title isn’t great, but I spent ages trying to think of another way to word it and couldn’t! I also spent ages trying to put all the right details in to the post as I’ve seen other posters get torn apart for missing a detail or for a particular choice of word. I obviously didn’t do very well! 🤣

I did however get some great ideas, and will be keeping stuff at my parents house moving forward as we’ve not the space for it or if it’s duplicate. The gift of child free time via babysitting is also ideal. I also spoke to someone in real life about it, who suggested that we ask GPs to considering gifting their time to DC as they get older in things like a trip to the park, petting zoo or little local aquarium, which I think is a super nice idea and hopefully will work to reduce the off piste gifts and waste!

FWIW, both sides of the family are gift list users; and years ago when I didn’t give my mum a birthday list I didn’t get anything at all! 🤣 so I don’t know what’s changed so much over the last couple of years, so I suppose I’m very surprised about the lack of list following as well!

I agree it's the title... I feel mean now so apologise. Could you not explain to your parents why you would like the particular car seat?

I have similar issues and I just regift or donate to charity. There isn't really a way in which to have the conversation without someone getting offended. I've tried to explain that we want to limit the amount of stuff we have but it falls on deaf ears. My mum would rather big a cheaper version of what I have suggested and then get extra stuff. How many times can you say its not the quantity that matters? Yanbu!

I don't bother these days as I've put specific things like a nice wash bag I'd never buy myself (about &25), only to receive a bumper bag of cheap wash bags of all sorts of sizes and was told they'd found these instead of the one I wanted as they liked them and there were loads for all sorts of occasions 🤯 I also suggested a perfume as easy to buy and not too pricey (albeit they're millionaires) to get fingerless gloves so I didn't have to turn the heating on when WFH .... from the shop next door to Boots 😳
Hey ho so I make suggestions now and don't give the asked for list

That's how the are millionaires then!

we made a list for Christmas presents for DC, split it and circulated it to those who wanted to buy, making sure there were a variety of options and price points.

This is ridiculous. And controlling. Let people spend their money on what they want.

The only comment with an ounce of sense on this thread.

I don't understand why so many people on here want their friends and family to waste money on things they won't want - things that will most likely clutter up charity shops and landfill when the recipient inevitably gets rid of it.

I will happily accept gift lists from friends and family.

Jeez you’re hard work. You don’t have the right the get something you want. Stop micro managing everything and everyone. Vulgar to have a list of expectations for a 3 month old.

OP, I think it would have helped if you had said it was a car seat in your initial post, as that changes things a lot in my opinion. It isn't really about the gift list, but more that you're not comfortable with it from a safety perspective. I think people would have been a lot more understanding if you had said "My mum has bought us a car seat I don't like because it has poor safety reviews".

Oh OP. This thread would have gone very differently if you'd spelled out the actual issue to begin with. Of course YANBU to want to choose your child's car seat. I think you should ask your parents to return the one they've bought.

Not at all ungrateful. We have the exact same issue. It’s not generous to bomb your family with an excess of gifts and things they don’t want or need. Buying thing you want to buy or without thought for the recipients is thoughtless and self-serving. Our DC are now 4 and 2 and after 4 OTT Christmas/birthdays/Easter/Halloween/bringing a sack of toys/clothes to visit for the weekend - our house is literally full to bursting with things GPs have bought. I can’t stand it. We can honestly barely move for plastic crap and our kids don’t even know where to start. Last year we got 3 of the same toy from different people. We want to enjoy Christmas time as a family, some peace and food and rest, and would really appreciate some small thoughtful and useful gifts - not be bogged down with more stuff that we have to get around to donating/binning/organising. Not to mention the sacks of wrapping paper.

My DD was 6 weeks old last xmas. I told everyone they weren't to but her anything, what could she have possibly needed? We'd already got everything that we needed before she was born, then all the gifts that people bought us.There was literally nothing to get her that first Christmas, I got her a bauble for the tree, that was it.

I disagree with most. I think people missed the point how wasteful it is to buy expensive gifts that will not be used. And even returning them to the manufacturer doesn't guarantee they'll be sold again.
You have to have a conversation about it and come up with a solution that's acceptable to both. A list may seem to them like their gifts are no longer a surprise and that's probably why they don't like it. Maybe a more general list would be better? E.g. clothes, wooden toys etc. This way they can still chose what to get but you nudge them in the right direction.

Why do MNers always reply with it's the thought that counts when the buyer has done zero thinking?

I just read all your updates and am even more convinced you're not unreasonable. These all sound like good solutions.
And I agree with you, plenty of things that are sold are unsafe. And I also wouldn't want just any car seat, some are quite bad. I think for items like that I would ask your parents to return it - it's too much money to waste.

Because they always think they are better at gifting than they actually are 🤷🏼‍♀️

Do you realize that Christmas is about giving, not demanding? How entitled you are to expect that anyone adhere to your EXACT gift including manufacturer and brand. Do you actually hear yourself as you're writing this self-entitled post? If I were demanded to give an exact gift, I would be inclined to tell you exactly where to go. I don't know what the deal with this entitled generation is. This is absolutely disgusting behavior. You should quit the controlling gift lists and let the spirit of the season come back. You have single-handedly ruined the while idea of Christmas. You have no right to the season at all, you just don't deserve it. And...what are you teaching your child? That's the saddest part. Personally, I am grateful for anything I am given and I sure as honey don't expect anything. To me, it just sounds like it's evil.

Couldn’t agree more. I dislike gift lists in general, but it is so incredibly entitled to create a gift list for a 3m old and distribute it to family! Tacky as hell. Let people buy your kid what they want, smile and accept graciously, and then regift or donate stuff you don’t like.