To expect gift lists to be followed?

[areweungrateful]

My DH and I have one DC, who is 3 months old. We have an issue with one set of GPs buying inappropriate/ unwanted gifts. This isn’t just for DC, but us as well… think things like buying a height adjustable stand up desk when the office room is in the attic and has sloping ceilings.

As they have form for this, we made a list for Christmas presents for DC, split it and circulated it to those who wanted to buy, making sure there were a variety of options and price points. GPs have gone out and bought something outside of the list we gave to their side of the family, and is actually something we know someone else has already bought, but a brand/type that we looked at and decided we didn’t want due to reviews/ possible safety issues.

How do we manage this moving forward! Neither DH or I want to appear ungrateful when we receive these things that we just don’t want or need, as we do appreciate they would like to gift us things, nor do we want the confrontation of asking them to return it and get something else. Do we just regift/ sell things on? But then they’ll probably notice when they come to visit.

Are we being unreasonable to expect people to use the lists given to buy presents from?

"Do we just regift/ sell things on?"
Yes.

FWIW, I like doing online gift lists and giving them to anyone who asks, so I don't have to decide/remember who to ask for what, and so that people can see if others are getting something else on the list.

Some people will just get what they want though and your PILs sound like those kind of people, that's fine but you don't have to keep the gifts if you don't want them.

If they've asked then say ah we put that on auntie xyz's list and they've already got it do you want to keep it at your house for them to play with while they are there?

Surprised at the replies. It isn't ungrateful to not want items that are safety hazards!

People shouldn't have to follow a list.
If you get gifts you don't want. Regift
If they ask
Be honest - It wasnt for you.

Unless someone has specifically asked you what you/your child would like, then it's really grabby to give them a list of acceptable presents.

Even when they do ask, it's rude to specify exactly what items, better to give them an idea, e.g they love board games/lego/art kits etc.

Any present should be accepted with good grace. Children (and especially babies) generally don't care about brands/models/colours etc.

'Thank you so much for X. Unfortunately we already have one. Would it be possible to exchange it for Y please?'

To those saying it's ungrateful, would you rather a gift be a waste of your money or something that the recipient can get good use from?

When you're talking about your parents surely it's absolutely fine to say (or have your partner say), "mum, we so truly appreciate that you want to spend money on your grandchild, we are so lucky to have lots of people who also would like to buy for grandchild so we have come up with the list so noone wastes their money on things that won't be used and so we don't end up with duplicates"

Or the OP may not have space for random stuff....maybe the list is needed to avoid getting a load of random stuff that will just be sent to charity shop or clutter up the house.

As long as you don't demand a gift I think it's perfectly reasonable to provide direction to those who are buying gifts.

Any present should be accepted with good grace. Children (and especially babies) generally don't care about brands/models/colours etc.

Sorry, I disagree.

My MiL used to buy my older daughter perfume, knowing full well she was allergic to it (she was reminded every year in the fun up to Christmas).

I don’t see there’s anything to be grateful for.

Do we really think that the grandparents have bought an item that is actually unsafe? Or, in fact, that dangerous toys or equipment for babies are actually routinely manufactured and sold in the UK?

It's not the parent's first choice, but it's exceptionally unlikely to be an actual safety hazard.

If it honestly doesn't have the Kitemark /BSI mark, then it's probably reasonable to refuse on those grounds. Exceptionally unlikely that will be the case though.

You don’t want to appear ungrateful, but you are ungrateful for your gifts, and want to communicate the problem you have with them. That’s not a conversation you can have without causing offence. Your options are reject their gifts, accept their gifts but sell or set them aside, or to stop exchanging gifts altogether.

“To expect…”

Yes YABU.

Yes it’s ungrateful. Ungrateful is a value neutral term and the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude for the gifts she doesn’t want. Whether the OP is justified by not feeling gratitude is a different topic (and I think it’s ok to feel ungrateful for things you don’t want).

Had this with my in laws family but from the other side. Would ask both SIL each year what they needed for kids for xmas. One was grand sent like need a coat this their size etc. The other was so grabby, of they need wellies but we only use Hunter ones so make sure you buy them etc. The list was so specific and so expensive that i gave up asking, they got vouchers then after to spend on. Stick a smile on your face, graciously say thank you and anything you don't want return, regift, donate or sell afterwards

Oh I hate people sending lists that have t been asked for! I'm doing secret Santa this year and was looking forward to buying something thoughtful and taking my time over it. But the person I drew for secret Santa had a list of things she wanted. Makes it a bit boring and entitled in my opinion!

What's the likelihood these toys that are (presumably) sold in the UK for babies are actually hazardous ?

There’s actually quite a lot on the baby market that is routinely sold but is unsafe. Sleep nests, crib bumpers, walkers, those little seats that babies kept tipping out of. The recent products that allow you to “prop feed” babies that an official warning has just been put out about!

There are also products that were very popular but now banned like drop side cribs…

It’s really besides the point, but yes there are items that are or could be perceived as hazardous for children for many reasons. I think feeling a certain brand/ item is less safe is the least unreasonable part of my question to be honest!

Anyway. I now know I’m clearly super unreasonable and ungrateful to “expect” a list that was asked for to be used, and really grabby to have made that list in the first place. Thanks everyone 🥰

I think I’ll try the trick of keeping things at their house, otherwise in a few years time we’ll end up with a sand and water table or mud kitchen when we don’t have a garden 🤣 So thank you for PPs who made that suggestion!

This is prefect! Thank you!

I assumed something like next stage car seat. You could legally buy a cheap forwards facing option from say Halfords for £30 and put your 9 month in it, but many parents will choose to research what is safest and pick, say, an extended rear facing option.

Jesus Christ, nobody has to buy anything for your child, family or not, it's the thought that counts. I'd maybe ask what the child wanted or needed if I was buying for someone else but there's no way I'd ever be sending out a gift list to people. Especially not a baby! Who at 3 months old won't have a clue about anything anyway.

At 3 months old, how much do they really need?! They won’t know what’s going on at Christmas for at least another two years so don’t fret about the gifts. If you really hate whatever they bought, just give it to a charity shop. MIL buys awful gifts so we give all of them away.

How grabby, you are definitely being unreasonable. “I” choose gifts because “I” will be gifting them…otherwise I might as well just either give some money…or not even bother in future.

Just say "we got two of those so we gave one of them to charity"

God, just say 'thank you, it's lovely' and then do what you want with it.

My BiL bought me and baby walker I'd never dream of using, but who cares. It was a nice thought. I haven't had a sit down chat with him about his future intentions.

Some people truly are the main character of their story.

@Kitcaterpillar Exactly. Let them enjoy giving their gift and then do what you wish with it, someone will want it. Some people are real joy-suckers.

Surely a list of suggestions just reduces waste and means everyone gets something they actually want?