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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect gift lists to be followed?

136 replies

areweungrateful · 14/12/2022 15:54

My DH and I have one DC, who is 3 months old. We have an issue with one set of GPs buying inappropriate/ unwanted gifts. This isn’t just for DC, but us as well… think things like buying a height adjustable stand up desk when the office room is in the attic and has sloping ceilings.

As they have form for this, we made a list for Christmas presents for DC, split it and circulated it to those who wanted to buy, making sure there were a variety of options and price points. GPs have gone out and bought something outside of the list we gave to their side of the family, and is actually something we know someone else has already bought, but a brand/type that we looked at and decided we didn’t want due to reviews/ possible safety issues.

How do we manage this moving forward! Neither DH or I want to appear ungrateful when we receive these things that we just don’t want or need, as we do appreciate they would like to gift us things, nor do we want the confrontation of asking them to return it and get something else. Do we just regift/ sell things on? But then they’ll probably notice when they come to visit.

Are we being unreasonable to expect people to use the lists given to buy presents from?

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 15/12/2022 07:43

You just suck it up.

As child gets older teach them to look and sound grateful, and quietly dispose of anything unwanted or doesn't fit.

It is not worth the hurt on the GPs.

greenacrylicpaint · 15/12/2022 07:44

yabu and rude

there is the saying about the gift horse...

accept the gifts graciously.

think about selling or gifting them on if you don't want to keep them.

RunDownRita · 15/12/2022 07:46

CurlewKate · 15/12/2022 05:38

I don't know for sure, but I suspect this might be one of those things that you end up kicking the sheets with embarrassment about in the night some time in the future....

I love this post. So exactly right and such a useful mental image to hold onto when tempted to do something a bit mad (as we all sometimes are).

Remaker · 15/12/2022 07:50

Asking someone is there anything that x needs is not the same as asking for a list of items with a specified brand that must be adhered to. So yes, YABU even though you were wasting everyone’s time asking because no way are you listening to anyone who disagrees with you.

If you say something you might find they deliberately deviate from ‘the list’ from now on. I know I would.

Yerroblemom1923 · 15/12/2022 07:55

A 3 month baby with a list?! Wow. Bet you guys had a wedding list too didn't you.....?🙄

Ellmau · 15/12/2022 08:02

Nothing wrong with a list. Not really wrong to go off-list either - especially as they didn't realise a similar one was on the list for other family.

BUT, what you say is, "Thank you so much for the UnsuitableItem, but we have already got one of these/had arranged for MyRelative to give us that. Would you mind awfully taking it back to the shop? We would love Itemonyourlist at similar price point. Thank you again!" Nothing confrontational about that.

Scalottia · 15/12/2022 08:04

areweungrateful · 14/12/2022 16:30

Hahaha. We’re not ungrateful at all! Some of you are having bad days! Thanks for all the nasty comments though, super helpful 🤦‍♀️

Yes, the list was asked for on this occasion - by both sets of GPs as well as more extended family. In fact we are often asked if there are things we want/ need when birthdays or other festivities come around. Being asked for a list was why we made it and gave it out. We don’t just have huge wish lists of stuff for either the baby or ourselves!

The only reason we wanted this particular item to be specific is due to the safety aspect of it. The rest of the list was as a PP said, stackable blocks, sensory toys, bath toys, soft books etc etc.

To everyone who has given actual advice, thank you.

Your username suggests that you are questioning whether you are ungrateful or not. PPs are answering your question truthfully, that's all.

Why such importance on gifts for such a young child who won't remember any of it? I mean 3 months old...come on. PFB for sure.

MissTrip82 · 15/12/2022 08:18

Multiple family members requested a gift list for a tiny baby?

How extraordinary.

Maray1967 · 15/12/2022 08:26

MissTrip82 · 15/12/2022 08:18

Multiple family members requested a gift list for a tiny baby?

How extraordinary.

Well, our families must be weird as well then. Ours asked for suggestions for both of our DC s’ first Christmases.

pompomsandtinsel · 15/12/2022 08:26

MissTrip82 · 15/12/2022 08:18

Multiple family members requested a gift list for a tiny baby?

How extraordinary.

It's not at all.

Is there anything you want for the baby with Christmas coming up?

Yes how about x, y or z. You choose.

That's a list.

AhNowTed · 15/12/2022 08:38

Must say I agree with a PP.

A gift list for a 3 month old is frankly ridiculous.

imnottoofussed · 15/12/2022 08:42

I have this with my family. I'll say to one family member what sort of thing might they like and he sends me a list of actual items that I can choose from. Another family member would say barbie dolls and not tell me a specific one. I much prefer to choose my own present once I know the type of thing than to be given a list of selected items.

catsandkid · 15/12/2022 08:46

I get that duplicate pressies are annoying, but if this ever happens we just say that one can be kept at Grandma's and the other at ours. It actually worked out well as the DCs now have a nice selection of toys (that we know they love to play with) at Grandma's to keep them busy when we visit.

I might be an outlier here... but I hate gift lists. My cousins are similar to you and present the gift list for their kids that we MUST buy from for birthdays/xmas and it just winds me up. I quite enjoy gift giving and love thinking about what people might want and finding different cute gifts for them (stuff they'll use, but may not have thought about..... I'm not talking a bog basic smellies set) so it kind of sucks all the fun and point out of gift giving for me and it all becomes very transactional.

FWIW.... a gift list for a 3mo seems bloody bonkers! They can barely hold thier heads up at that age and for the next year will likely prefer to play with a spatula from the kitchen and a bog roll instead of all the wonderful toys they have!

catsandkid · 15/12/2022 08:47

.... And I'm having a good day, thank you

CousinKrispy · 15/12/2022 09:02

The reality is that you can't control what people do. I love a wishlist myself, but some people find them really off-putting and want to choose their own gift and that's just the way they are.

Just give the item to charity or resell (or if it's a duplicate, tell them it needs to stay at their house for visits or else ask if they have receipts for a return).

Eventually they might notice that their gifts aren't in use at your house and try following the list!

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 15/12/2022 09:24

I love a passive aggressive OP with absolutely no self-awareness. It must be a lot less entertaining when you know them in real life though.

Mydpisgrumpierthanyours · 15/12/2022 09:37

Yanbu the whole point of a list is to avoid duplicates and wastes of money.
If your a child there is nothing exciting about opening a duplicate or a toy you've already got.

FrownedUpon · 15/12/2022 09:38

You sound crazy & self absorbed. Perhaps just ask for them to donate money to charity instead.

Baaaaaa · 15/12/2022 09:39

areweungrateful · 14/12/2022 16:30

Hahaha. We’re not ungrateful at all! Some of you are having bad days! Thanks for all the nasty comments though, super helpful 🤦‍♀️

Yes, the list was asked for on this occasion - by both sets of GPs as well as more extended family. In fact we are often asked if there are things we want/ need when birthdays or other festivities come around. Being asked for a list was why we made it and gave it out. We don’t just have huge wish lists of stuff for either the baby or ourselves!

The only reason we wanted this particular item to be specific is due to the safety aspect of it. The rest of the list was as a PP said, stackable blocks, sensory toys, bath toys, soft books etc etc.

To everyone who has given actual advice, thank you.

But this is AIBU.

You asked, they told you.

Much like that Christmas list.

Baaaaaa · 15/12/2022 09:47

But to answer the AIBU, I think gift lists are perfectly fine and not unreasonable, they reduce waste and help if people if they are short on inspiration, but it is unreasonable to get annoyed that someone doesn't stick to it. It's suggestions.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/12/2022 09:49

A gift list for a 3mo 😂😂😂

Handle it moving forward by being a bit less precious and uptight - if someone goes off piste then so what.

I will never get over this MN trend of FURY over family buying children presents.

Stomacharmeleon · 15/12/2022 09:59

I don't think the list is a bad idea in general as people do ask.
But your post comes across as somewhat uptight.... especially the twee ' it's not a brand we find acceptable'
Some relatives do buy plastic crap or deviate from the list just smile and donate or recycle in some way.

AdobeWanKenobi · 15/12/2022 10:07

Hugasauras · 14/12/2022 16:04

Also I'm a bit agog at a gift list for a 3mo! DD2 is 6mo and is getting some hand puppets and that's it! Grin

I’m a bit agog that you’re agog at grandparents and aunts and uncles etc wanting to buy gifts for a baby’s first Christmas.

there is great tendency to gift clothing and noisy plastic crap to babies of OPs child’s age. Child probably has a mountain of clothes to grow into already and plenty of stimulating toys so telling family exactly what the child would benefit from seems eminently sensible to me.

StaceySolomonSwash · 15/12/2022 10:15

We don't do Christmas but omg! How entitled are you @areweungrateful to expect presents to the extent that you give a shopping list to the potential givers? Wow.

I'm astounded that anyone could be so ill mannered as to do this! SMH.

paintitallover · 15/12/2022 10:18

You are stupendously entitled, judging by the thread title alone.