Christmas marriage splitting up - need advice

[SamanthaParty]

I need a good shake.

Me and my husband have been living seperate lives for over 1 year. I will make dinner and he will usually grumble something, take his dinner and eat in another room. Anything I ask, his response is "dunno, what do you think/what to do", I usually snap at this now, because I cant believe a grown man has no opinion, on anything.

He is a good man, he does mean well, but it isnt enough. He says he doesnt know what to talk to me about as I put up "barriers", I dont. I sometimes find his chat very boring or very specific, i.e. "how was work" .. once I answer, he doesnt ask anything else and goes to another room. He said he feels low mood at the moment but that doesnt cover the last year or so. I do find him a bit grumpy and I have always begged for communication. For example, if I ever go away for work, or for a girls weekend etc, it's always me who contacts him to find out how he is, how the dog is doing, because I won't hear anything, it would ne nice to know I am missed sometimes. Sometimes when I return from these places he has asked where I have been as he has forgotten, that hurts.

I spoke to him about all of this, albeit days before anniversairy, and he was so stand off ish. He says he doesnt feeel loved by me, as we havent had sex since March (it was Oct before that), and that we dont kiss or cuddle. However, I cant sleep with him, as my needs are not being met. I want to feel loved, that he is interested, that he loves me. I need something.

Even when I kiss or cuddle him he thinks it will lead to sex so I stopped doing those things, sad I know.

When we are out, I an envious when I see other couples laughing and joking, being touchy feely, we used to have that, years ago.

We have went to counselling and he said he finds me unadventorous - which I started arguing about as I am not. He doesnt understand the efforts I have put in to our relationship - I done a huge road trip on the back of his motorbike for his big birthday a few years back (my suggestion, I was utterly terrified, but I thought it would be nice to do), I booked up white water rafting for another birthday, and I nearly drowned!! his first reaction was to laugh when I was crying as he thought I was over exaggerating, he apologised soon after but still. In the past we have been rock climbing, surfing etc. so I foudn that comment uncalled for. He asked said he wants more intimacy and that if we had sex "it would all be okay", no it wouldnt be.

We decided to split after counselling but then decided against this and try some date nights, they were awkward. NO conversation, very formal feeling, just weird. We then decided to split up, and have agreed to go to solicitors after Christmas. We spoke on Monday, and he said he has felt happier without me but he is very hurt as all he wants is me. I agree, I feel happier alone too, albeit lonely, but a bit happier. He then asked what I wanted to do, as he didnt want to break up but feels this has run its course. He said if we were to get back to normal he needs imtimacy, I said we have to meet in the middle as my needs need to be met too. He said he didnt know what to do as he has tried everything. I told him I wanted communication, to feel he is interested. Since Monday, I have texted him to see if he is okay, asked if he wanted a lift to his works party, and its like to trying to get blood from a stone.

My work accidentially called him last week as I hadnt turned up for work and had a meeting - but I was stuck in really bad weather. He never mentioned this to me, and didnt even contact me to check I was alright. He said "if something had happened, the police would have told me" - that hurt, and he cant understand why that hurts. He says he is depressed but has recently stopped going to counselling and refuses to look for a new job, as apparently, this makes him very stressed.

What to do, its such a shit time of year :(

For context, I am 31, he is 33, been together 12 years, married for 6. No kids.

I dont want to start over again, I am terrified of the finance aspect, that I wont ever met anyone and that I will be judged for a failed marriage this young.

Either way O, the marriage is dead in the water.

and no one in their right mind will judge you. Did people judge you when you split up before? If so, you will know not to have any kind of relationship with them

Sounds awful. I have no experience of divorce, so can't really comment about the details, but it strikes me you are tying yourself in knots about him.
Reading this as a stranger, it really stands out to me that your marriage is already over. The comment about the police would be the final straw for me. He doesn't sound interested or even care much.
You are so young, and will probably meet someone who loves and adores you, as it should be.
If your story was that of a friend and she asked for advice, what would you tell her?
It's very sad when a marriage breaks up, but I'm sorry, it sounds like it's too late.
Take care, hope you find some peace soon.

I was in similar circumstances myself a few years ago, 11 year relationship (married 2 years-no kids) that was just dead in the water. It’s really hard to see how bad things have gotten when you’re in the thick of it but the way he’s treating you isn’t right. You shouldn’t have to beg for the bare minimum of attention, effort and affection. You’ve spelled out for him what you need and he hasn’t made any changes has he? In all our relationships we should be looking at the actions rather than the words, he might say he wants the relationship to continue but do his actions back that up? In my situation he was having an affair and treating me really badly so it was more clearcut that I had to finish things for my own sanity. I can honestly say if I was still in that relationship while lockdowns etc were going on I think I would’ve had a nervous breakdown.

I know it’s really scary and really hard to imagine starting again but trust me it will be the best thing you can do for your own long term happiness. Now I’m a few years on from it the hardest thing looking back was how I accepted his treatment of me as ‘the norm’. I was angry with him but also angry at myself for not feeling able to stand up for myself and wasting so many years of my life unhappy in an emotionally abusive relationship. You have a voice here and you only have one life, when you’re old and on your death bed the only person you have to answer to is yourself and what do you want to be able to say then? Will you be courageous and accept this isn’t what you want? That the bare minimum isn’t enough and you want to be with someone who loves you and treats you well. Imagine staying and throwing a baby into the mix if that’s something you want? If he’s this detached now imagine feeling like this while dealing with a newborn and sleepless nights etc.

I’ll echo what Across The Pond said and say living in a loveless relationship is the loneliest place in the world, its absolutely soul destroying and you are still so young. I took two years after we split and did a lot of work on myself, after that I met my fiancé and we are planning our wedding for next August. The first few years in my new relationship were wild in that I kept discovering new ways in which my ex had fucked with my head. It was only when I saw how a decent, caring man reacted to situations I realised how messed up my ex’s treatment of me had been. I can hand on heart say my marriage breaking down was the best thing that could’ve happened, I was devastated at the time and I would’ve done anything to make it work but the sad reality of it is one person cannot save a relationship and unless he’s willing to put the effort in it’ll never work.

On you’re final point of worrying how people will perceive your relationship breaking down, I’ll say to you what my mother said to me when I was crying to her about the exact same thing.
‘The people that mind don’t matter and the people that matter don’t mind’ You are the one living your life and your happiness is all you should be focused on right now. You’ve done the hard part taking steps to acknowledge it’s not working and initiating steps towards separation, it’s natural to have a wobble but don’t let that wobble de-rail you into doing something you know is going to make you unhappy. Best of luck to you

He sounds depressed. I wouldn’t give up on the marriage until he’s tried some medication, assuming he’d be willing to go to the GP.

As you don't have children I'd just separate Op. Life is short. Why waste your time fighting with your DH to love you how you want when you could put your time and energetic into yourself and then someone who can do that will appear.

I read your OP assuming you were in a certain age bracket, then read that you're 31 and have no kids! Literally nothing is holding you back! I'd walk and never look back - you are a very young woman still, even if it doesn't seem that way to you now. You are signing up to decades of misery if you stay with this man.

I also thought you’d be at least mid-50s.
leave and restart your life. This relationship won’t improve. You’ve grown apart, and the sooner you let each other go, the more of the happier memories you’ll manage to keep.

You’re so young! Don’t waste your life being unhappy. No one will judge you. In fact; it takes guts to leave.

has he been more attentive years ago? Did he ask you how was your day, where were you, ect?
You have described very much what I have experienced with my husband of 20 years a few months ago. I felt unloved and unwanted. Apparently he did feel the same. It was going on for months and made me very unhappy. I thought we were going to divorce, but have decided to have the last talk with him.

We have talked it all through. There were lots of things unsaid in the past and we did talk about it all. The wall has lifted and we are back together as nothing ever happened.

This is really hurtful. It would have hurt me too. That my partner/husband doesn’t even care if I’m harmed, really, dead or alive, enough to contact me. He got defensive because he realised how it comes across. It was deflection

You are not being unreasonable, you are not happy don’t waste time on this. You are young hopefully may have kids with someone who loves you for being you. X

He will be upset because he likes the comfort of someone there making dinner etc, it’s not love.

You are young. Cut and run. Its shit and hard to start again but you have one life.

Leave now. Seriously. I was in a long term relationship - 10 years - between 18 and 28. By about 25/26 it clearly wasn’t working - we weren’t compatible at all, hated each other’s friends, had nothing in common, didn’t enjoy each other’s company but we kept flogging it because (for me at least) we had a dog and a house and in my head I’d invested so much time for some weird reason that meant we shouldn’t break up. Then one day it hit me - I was 28, in a relationship where we hadn’t had sex for almost 5 months! I don’t know why but that realisation floored me - I was way too young to be in that kind of relationship and things weren’t going to get better. It was terrifying. I was convinced I’d wasted all of my 20s and nobody would want me, I’d be forever on my own. I’m now 40, married to one of those guys I would always wish I was with - kind, loving, attentive and interested in me and us! We have two children and I’ve lived and worked all over the world. It’s a scary leap but trust me - the longer you leave it the harder it will get to leave. Leaving was the best thing I ever did for me and for him.

I think of it this way - we were both decent, kind people. We both deserved to be in a good relationship and by clinging on to each other we were denying each other that. My ex is now also married (with children) and he looks happier than he ever did with me!

We have this feeling that because we invested a lot of time into something that we should continue to or the time we.spent would be wasted. It isn't wasted but any time you spend now on it whe you both know its ended will be.

OP, forget the fact that you’re married. Almost all of my friends, me included, had long term relationships that started in our late teens/early twenties that ended in our late twenties/early 30’s. It’s really common to outgrow someone as you have new experiences and find yourself. Only a handful of my friends are with their original partners. It’s a rite of passage for most. And we all found new partners no problem and are much happier. Forget that this is a divorce, it’s just a natural part of growing up.

If I had been called in the morning by my husbands employer I wouldn't have worried even if he had been running a lot later than the OP had been so I wouldn't be angry with him about that. Having a bad accident is incredibly unlikely.

Anyway OP, it seems clear you should leave. You are still so young. Some relationships don't work out. There is literally nothing wrong with admitting that and doing something about it. It be great if you and your husband could maintain an ok relationship while you split. It's possible if you both try.

Good luck

OP I have no advice but I wanted to say I could’ve written this post, except I’m nearly 36 and feel like I’ve left it too late. To be entirely honest, I’ve been clinging on because I want kids and if I leave him I doubt I’d meet anyone else in time. I also can’t face the prospect of starting over again (I left a bad relationship in my 20s and it was a nightmare - I can pick them, clearly)

My dh can occasionally feign enough enthusiasm to be nice for a day or two. But he asks the same wooden “how was your day” type questions and I don’t hear from him if I’m away with work. I was ill recently and he just did not care. We’ve been having sex less and less frequently, and he brings it up every time we argue, as if me opening my legs would magically fix our problems! He’s not interested in why I’m so withdrawn and unhappy, and I very much get the feeling that’s all he wants me for.

We used to have a lot of fun but then I suffered MH issues and he wasn’t supportive, lots of money worries and stress, and basically I grew up and he didn’t.

He said recently that if we don’t “sort things out” (by which he means have more sex) he’ll divorce me. I was raging, but I just said OK and that it was probably a good idea. I’m so tired of feeling alone and everything being my fault, and I might just have to accept being alone and never having a family of my own.

So sorry OP but if I was 31 I’d find it easier to make the decision to leave. Wishing you all the best x

@falafelqueen just leave! I know you think you want kids with this man but seriously, why?? Why would you saddle yourself with him for the rest of your life? And if you're not even having sex, how are you planning on getting pregnant? You're still young enough to find someone you deserve AND have kids, I had my youngest at 42! Please don't waste any more time on him, you deserve a lovely life

You still have time, @falafelqueen - don't write off the rest of your life.

@falafelqueen You're only 36! Like the OP you sound like you're 56. Leave! Leave, leave, leave! Life is far too precious to be looking at potentially another 60years of sharing your life with someone who can 'occasionally feign enough enthusiasm to be nice for a day or two'. I'd expect more than that from a passing acquaintance let alone someone who is meant to love me more than anyone else in the world.
Do you really see things being any better at 46, or 66? Do future you a favour and make the change now, while you're still young.

I voted you are being unreasonable - because you are so fucking young to give up your chance of happiness! Just separate, and start your new life. Don't be scared .... just do it

Just get rid
Your young and have your whole life ahead of you
Why would you want to live like this?

Don't have kids with him. And be grateful you haven't had any yet. I doubt anyone will judge you, but even if they do it will be very occasional and living a miserable life will be way worse. At 30 you have plenty of time to find someone else. Financially you will cope, you have a job, even if you houseshare for a bit, do you really want this for the next 50 years?

Aww OP, I feel for you. Im 36 with an 8 year old. Been together 16 years, married for 8 and honestly wish I'd never got married to him. When I look back it was a relationship similar to yours, although there was a lot of DA as well.

Like you, I was ashamed of having a failed marriage so clung on for dear life, at the detriment of my own health and happiness and that of our sons. I never told anyone how bad it was until we split up.

We're a few months in now, and I promise you it does get better. I'm the happiest I've been in years. I will be honest, it's lonely but I felt lonely in my marriage anyway so it's a different kind.

Please, if you're unhappy just leave. You've your whole life ahead of you and don't need to be tied to him due to kids etc. I know however that it's easier said than done

I think you know the answer.

You want him to be something he isn't. You're holding onto the old him but that isn't him anymore.

He just doesn't care. You can't change that.

Stop people pleasing to him, and everyone else (worried about what others may think) and start looking after yourself. You deserve to be happy and with someone who loves you.