Christmas marriage splitting up - need advice

[SamanthaParty]

I need a good shake.

Me and my husband have been living seperate lives for over 1 year. I will make dinner and he will usually grumble something, take his dinner and eat in another room. Anything I ask, his response is "dunno, what do you think/what to do", I usually snap at this now, because I cant believe a grown man has no opinion, on anything.

He is a good man, he does mean well, but it isnt enough. He says he doesnt know what to talk to me about as I put up "barriers", I dont. I sometimes find his chat very boring or very specific, i.e. "how was work" .. once I answer, he doesnt ask anything else and goes to another room. He said he feels low mood at the moment but that doesnt cover the last year or so. I do find him a bit grumpy and I have always begged for communication. For example, if I ever go away for work, or for a girls weekend etc, it's always me who contacts him to find out how he is, how the dog is doing, because I won't hear anything, it would ne nice to know I am missed sometimes. Sometimes when I return from these places he has asked where I have been as he has forgotten, that hurts.

I spoke to him about all of this, albeit days before anniversairy, and he was so stand off ish. He says he doesnt feeel loved by me, as we havent had sex since March (it was Oct before that), and that we dont kiss or cuddle. However, I cant sleep with him, as my needs are not being met. I want to feel loved, that he is interested, that he loves me. I need something.

Even when I kiss or cuddle him he thinks it will lead to sex so I stopped doing those things, sad I know.

When we are out, I an envious when I see other couples laughing and joking, being touchy feely, we used to have that, years ago.

We have went to counselling and he said he finds me unadventorous - which I started arguing about as I am not. He doesnt understand the efforts I have put in to our relationship - I done a huge road trip on the back of his motorbike for his big birthday a few years back (my suggestion, I was utterly terrified, but I thought it would be nice to do), I booked up white water rafting for another birthday, and I nearly drowned!! his first reaction was to laugh when I was crying as he thought I was over exaggerating, he apologised soon after but still. In the past we have been rock climbing, surfing etc. so I foudn that comment uncalled for. He asked said he wants more intimacy and that if we had sex "it would all be okay", no it wouldnt be.

We decided to split after counselling but then decided against this and try some date nights, they were awkward. NO conversation, very formal feeling, just weird. We then decided to split up, and have agreed to go to solicitors after Christmas. We spoke on Monday, and he said he has felt happier without me but he is very hurt as all he wants is me. I agree, I feel happier alone too, albeit lonely, but a bit happier. He then asked what I wanted to do, as he didnt want to break up but feels this has run its course. He said if we were to get back to normal he needs imtimacy, I said we have to meet in the middle as my needs need to be met too. He said he didnt know what to do as he has tried everything. I told him I wanted communication, to feel he is interested. Since Monday, I have texted him to see if he is okay, asked if he wanted a lift to his works party, and its like to trying to get blood from a stone.

My work accidentially called him last week as I hadnt turned up for work and had a meeting - but I was stuck in really bad weather. He never mentioned this to me, and didnt even contact me to check I was alright. He said "if something had happened, the police would have told me" - that hurt, and he cant understand why that hurts. He says he is depressed but has recently stopped going to counselling and refuses to look for a new job, as apparently, this makes him very stressed.

What to do, its such a shit time of year :(

For context, I am 31, he is 33, been together 12 years, married for 6. No kids.

I dont want to start over again, I am terrified of the finance aspect, that I wont ever met anyone and that I will be judged for a failed marriage this young.

Leave. Don't bend to the sunk cost thoughts - ie you've spent X amount of years so you should stay/waste more time. Life is short and he's already checked out

You're being distracted by a fantasy of what you hope it could be rather than accepting what is.

I was older than you when I met my DH (first one) and had a family. You're so young! And even if you never meet anyone, it is much, much better to be single than with someone who is supposed to care, but doesn't.

Your marriage is dead. It won’t get better. I’m just over a decade older than you and I’m very happily married for the second time.

It’s not a failure, I’m sure there were good times, you’ve just grown apart and it happens. Don’t waste the rest of your life because you’re scared of not meeting anyone else.

You’ll be more judged for staying in a hopeless marriage. These days it’s a common thing to draw a line when you know it’s doomed and change course. It’s called moving on and finding happiness. You have a job, you’ll be fine.

When I read your post OP i assumed you were in your 50’s, 60’s. You have so many years ahead of you, do you want to spend them
unhappy?

You’re not getting your needs met, neither is he. He’s not willing to make an effort even though it’s been spelt out to him what your needs are. Your needs will never be met so you won’t want to have sex.

Cut your losses and find someone who’s not a cold, empty vessel.

I was reading your post and like a pp, assumed you are both elderly, married for 50 years, too old and ill to leave, children and grandchildren, and so on.
31!! Go, this marriage is not fixable.

I don't know why you would stay. This is your only life. Stop wasting it in unhappiness.

God your marriage sounds like an early death.
So he wants loads of sex but is not prepared to make any effort in return.
Don't be afraid. I was worried about getting divorced after 20 years but quite honestly even in my 50's I knew I couldn't stand any more of my silent, uncommunicative husband.
My life is fantastic now. I'm happier than I have ever been in my life and have loads of friends and things to do.
Just do it.

This is a man who doesn't care that you haven't turned up to work in a blizzard. Leave him and find someone who would care if you didn't get to work.

A PP said this, I think page 1 or 2, and it has really stuck with me. It was only when I got to work that everyone asked where I had been. I was only 15/20minutes late but I had someone waiting for me in reception. They told me they called my Husband by accident as they thought they were calling me. When he answered, they asked who it was, he said his name, and they said "oh, your Sam Party Husband, we wanted to call her as she hasnt turned up and we cant get hold of her. We will try calling her". It wasnt until the evening, that it I remembered that my work had called him. I asked him why he hasnt mentioned it, or worse, why he didnt contact me. He said he didnt understand why he was called and assumed I was in another part of the business. I explained that it was in the morning, at my start time, was he not curious why they called him, my emergency contact, if I was just somewhere else in the building. He then started getting annoyed, said he knew it wouldnt be anything serious. I then started getting upset and asked what if I was in an accident, and you hadnt contacted me or tried to. Thats when he said "I'm sure the police or someone would have told me". It did hurt. He eventually apologised but only after I got upset and annoyed.

I WANT someone to contact me if my work calls, mistake or no mistake, to not even mention it I think is weird. I want someone to worry if I dont turn up somewhere. I'm not asking for a search party, even a text asking if I was alright would have been nice.

Honestly, walk away now! Really, really, really. I am much older than you and seeing all my friends around me divorcing and trying to find new partners at this age is really disheartening.

You have no kids. No ties. You are free to move on in exactly the way you want. You have so much time to meet someone, have a family etc. Fuck the money. Money comes and go. Do not stay in a half-assed marriage out of fear.

He eventually apologised but only after I got upset and annoyed.

I can guarantee he didn't mean that apology he only did it because he felt he had to to stop you being upset. Honestly, @SamanthaParty this man does not love you, he doesn't sound as if he actually likes you and he certainly doesn't care about you.

so what if you are on your own after you separate?
It sounds preferable to what you have now.

What they all said ^

And stop cooking his dinner for him!

I don't think you will be judged for a relationship of 12 years failing.

What as strange man he is.

If my work called my DH asking for me, he'd be beside himself with worry so I find it strange He didn't bother to even text you to find out if you were OK.

That man doesn't love you and like others have advised in this thread, it's time for you to realize that and leave now.

You are young and you can start over with someone who loves you and can be bothered to check up on you!

I left my first husband when I was 31. I met someone else quite soon after and we're now married with kids - 10 years in we're still madly in love and really enjoy each others company.

Nobody will judge you...if they do, it says more about them than you.

You only get one life.

He got shirty & defensive when he realised that if he cared, he would have tried to contact you after work spoke to him. He didn't like being called out.
That says a lot to me. I'd rather be alone than with someone like that

Gonna give you two 'platitudes'. 1-It's better to be alone than to be wishing you were, and 2-You can feel more 'alone' with the wrong person that you'll ever feel actually on your own.

Just leave. No amount of lost finances (you can rebuild), no person's judgment (the people who truly love you won't judge you, who cares about the rest), no fear of 'never meeting someone else' (you'll never meet Mr Right when you're tied to Mr Wrong) is worth the misery you're feeling now. Your 'soul' is being destroyed bit by bit by his indifference.

You are unhappy. You won't be any more or less unhappy if you break up at Christmas or on August Bank Holiday. Sit yourself down quietly and think what you'd like to say and how you'd like the separation and divorce to 'work'. If you're talking renting and 'not a lot' of assets, then you can probably figure it out yourself. My ex and I had diddly-squat so I just told him "Take your half and skedaddle". But if you're talking a good deal of money/assets or you own a house, first see a solicitor and discuss what you'd like (financially) with them. They're best placed to tell you whether your ideas are practical or possible. But either way, tell him as soon as you've figured it out. TBH it wouldn't surprise me if he just shrugged his shoulders and said 'whatever'.

"....I will be judged for a failed marriage this young"

FWIW, I married my exH when I was barely 20. Our divorce was when I was almost 25. No one thought a thing about my being 'this young' to have a failed marriage. In fact, many commended me for being wise enough to call it quits before I 'wasted any more time'. As a matter of fact a very wise older relative told me that letting go of something that is not working is not 'failing', it's succeeding.

You are so young OP and you get just one life. Please don’t waste yours trying to flog a dead horse. If you leave it will be a tough few months while you sort through everything but then you will be free to find a life that makes you happy.

An ex colleague split up with her DH after a similar amount of time married, similar age and no DC. She told us they were more like friends and she’d had an affair which I don’t think her DH knew about.

She is also Muslim but not strict, eg drinks alcohol, wears Western revealing clothing etc.

When she first separated and moved out she did find it hard as I think she’d been protected by living in a nice area etc but after a while she met her DH and they’re married with kids.

Life is too short to be unhappily in a relationship and sadly it sounds like your DH has checked out anyway.

My DM married in her mid 20s then discovered her DH was having an affair so divorced him, second husband my DF turned out to be an alcoholic who refused to give up drink.

Her own DM, first DH was a confidence trickster who got sent to prison, she married him as she thought wrongly she was pregnant and then fell pregnant. Her second DH caught an STD in Paris during WW2 but the relationship was a bit up and down as he expected her home with the baby (DM) all day.

Marriage is just a piece of paper.

OP It's brilliant that you are so young! My DH and I only got properly together after 30 - I didn't want to settle down before then, and that's fine.

I think that if you continue to drift along, eventually one of you will meet someone else and then the split will be acrimonious. Get out now while things are peaceful. If you split now, amicably, you will be free to find real joy. Why would you choose NOT to do that?

Such wise words here.