Christmas marriage splitting up - need advice

[SamanthaParty]

I need a good shake.

Me and my husband have been living seperate lives for over 1 year. I will make dinner and he will usually grumble something, take his dinner and eat in another room. Anything I ask, his response is "dunno, what do you think/what to do", I usually snap at this now, because I cant believe a grown man has no opinion, on anything.

He is a good man, he does mean well, but it isnt enough. He says he doesnt know what to talk to me about as I put up "barriers", I dont. I sometimes find his chat very boring or very specific, i.e. "how was work" .. once I answer, he doesnt ask anything else and goes to another room. He said he feels low mood at the moment but that doesnt cover the last year or so. I do find him a bit grumpy and I have always begged for communication. For example, if I ever go away for work, or for a girls weekend etc, it's always me who contacts him to find out how he is, how the dog is doing, because I won't hear anything, it would ne nice to know I am missed sometimes. Sometimes when I return from these places he has asked where I have been as he has forgotten, that hurts.

I spoke to him about all of this, albeit days before anniversairy, and he was so stand off ish. He says he doesnt feeel loved by me, as we havent had sex since March (it was Oct before that), and that we dont kiss or cuddle. However, I cant sleep with him, as my needs are not being met. I want to feel loved, that he is interested, that he loves me. I need something.

Even when I kiss or cuddle him he thinks it will lead to sex so I stopped doing those things, sad I know.

When we are out, I an envious when I see other couples laughing and joking, being touchy feely, we used to have that, years ago.

We have went to counselling and he said he finds me unadventorous - which I started arguing about as I am not. He doesnt understand the efforts I have put in to our relationship - I done a huge road trip on the back of his motorbike for his big birthday a few years back (my suggestion, I was utterly terrified, but I thought it would be nice to do), I booked up white water rafting for another birthday, and I nearly drowned!! his first reaction was to laugh when I was crying as he thought I was over exaggerating, he apologised soon after but still. In the past we have been rock climbing, surfing etc. so I foudn that comment uncalled for. He asked said he wants more intimacy and that if we had sex "it would all be okay", no it wouldnt be.

We decided to split after counselling but then decided against this and try some date nights, they were awkward. NO conversation, very formal feeling, just weird. We then decided to split up, and have agreed to go to solicitors after Christmas. We spoke on Monday, and he said he has felt happier without me but he is very hurt as all he wants is me. I agree, I feel happier alone too, albeit lonely, but a bit happier. He then asked what I wanted to do, as he didnt want to break up but feels this has run its course. He said if we were to get back to normal he needs imtimacy, I said we have to meet in the middle as my needs need to be met too. He said he didnt know what to do as he has tried everything. I told him I wanted communication, to feel he is interested. Since Monday, I have texted him to see if he is okay, asked if he wanted a lift to his works party, and its like to trying to get blood from a stone.

My work accidentially called him last week as I hadnt turned up for work and had a meeting - but I was stuck in really bad weather. He never mentioned this to me, and didnt even contact me to check I was alright. He said "if something had happened, the police would have told me" - that hurt, and he cant understand why that hurts. He says he is depressed but has recently stopped going to counselling and refuses to look for a new job, as apparently, this makes him very stressed.

What to do, its such a shit time of year :(

For context, I am 31, he is 33, been together 12 years, married for 6. No kids.

I dont want to start over again, I am terrified of the finance aspect, that I wont ever met anyone and that I will be judged for a failed marriage this young.

@SamanthaParty My work accidentially called him last week as I hadnt turned up for work and had a meeting - but I was stuck in really bad weather. He never mentioned this to me, and didnt even contact me to check I was alright. He said "if something had happened, the police would have told me".

Get rid of this man, deep down he doesn't care about you. You can do so much better, alone or with someone else OP.

You’re so young - you literally have your whole life ahead of you. Leave now and start fresh

"but all I am asking for is to feel he is interested in me - to recieve a text asking how I am, that he misses me, anything but all I have is nothing"

You deserve more, you should need and want more for yourself. You both can try counselling. Make sure it is the one where they give your tasks and activities to do together. Before you go do enough research about their style, your expectations, his enthusiasm etc.
For a marriage to work, one person trying is never enough - you both should work towards making it work.
If counselling fails, you are 100% sure that the spark is gone and you both should consider moving on from each other.
People will judge you no matter what, failed marriage, not trying enough, unhappy marriage, etc. If you date someone who judges you, that is a red flag right there, you move on.

OP you have been together since you were 19 and 21. Just kids, barely out of school / college with no idea of who you are let alone what you want from a life partner.

Now you have both grown up and realised that you are fundamentally incompatible. So the quicker you end this, the quicker you can start on your new lives.

Get all your paperwork together and go and see a solicitor now. If you are both honest about your assets and you agree to split everything 50;50 it doesn't need to be a long drawn out, expensive divorce.

The bottom line is you are incompatible. You want declarations of feelings and meaningful conversation, he can only show his emotions through intimacy and is a man of few words and you're too far apart emotionally to even meet in the middle. You probably always have been polar opposites, but it didn't show in the early years because everything was new and exciting and you were young.

You're on 31, it's not too late to start over and find someone who can meet your needs.

You need to give him a chance to miss you/your calls/your presence. Constantly contacting him will just irritate him, so stop doing it. Absence really can make the heart grow fonder and give some perspective. Sounds to me like it’s over though, sadly. x

He probably just doesn't have the emotional equipment to meet your needs. A lot of blokes are like this. They think being in a relationship is a formula which goes (roughly): shared home + shared domestic tasks + occasional formulaic chit-chat + sex = love.

There's no depth, no capacity for empathy and nothing is done spontaneously beyond a certain point. And the woman ends up doing all the emotional heavy lifting because it doesn't cross the bloke's mind that he's required to do it. Then she feels alienated and unloved and withdraws and he then gets pissed off because he doesn't understand why. Rinse and repeat.

I've been in relationships like this before and you have to know when to cut your losses. You've tried to lay your cards on the table and explain what you need and he either can't or won't meet you half way.

You've had a lucky escape tbh. You're still young, you have decades ahead of you. You know what you want (and what you don't want) from a relationship. As others have said, its not a failure, its an ending. You can have a relatively clean break without worrying about children and the impact on them.

What you do have to do, though, is start to untangle yourself from him emotionally. You're still texting him, checking up on him, trying to prompt him into a reaction. The time for this has passed and you will just drive yourself mad trying to elicit something which he's not capable of.

Do as much as you can now to make it real. Book a meeting with a solicitor. Move out if you can, even temporarily. Start telling people when you're comfortable. The more you do this the less likely you are to backslide. And see it as the start of a new and exciting chapter, finding yourself without the baggage of an emotional cripple and potentially finding someone who can love you in the way you want.

You both got together young but you are still young. Look at it this way - could you spend potentially another 50+ years with this man? It would be more complicated if you had children but you don’t. And again, you are still young enough to have children with someone else if you so desire.

I very much doubt anyone would judge you if you did get divorced, if they do get rid of them too. Personally I have considerably more respect for people who recognise when something isn’t working and do something about it, rather than stubbornly sticking at it. Regardless of the situation.

You have both tried OP but it sounds like the relationship has run its course

It sounds as though there is no emotional connection between you. If you weren't already married would you want this man in your life? With no sex no fun no passion no emotional sharing it sounds pointless you don't fancy him and aren't really even good friends

Bloody hell, I read that whole post thinking you were going to say you were both in your 60s, kids grown and left home. You're so young to be living in a relationship like that! No kids, what is keeping you in it?! I really can't see the point of staying in that marriage when you have so much life left to live.

Nobody will judge and so what if they do. You won't look back as an old lady thinking thank god I stayed in an unhappy marriage so I wasn't judged by small minded idiots! 31 is young, you don't gave kids to complicate matters, go out and live your life, it's not a dress rehearsal.

All I heard in your long OP was that he is only interested in you for sex. He has zero interest in your wellbeing, your interests, your life, your work. I cannot imagine a situation where I don't turn up somewhere and DH gets a call and he doesn't immediately try to contact me. It's just 100% impossible because he would be worried. You say that you went away at one point and he forgot you were going and when but it didn't even cross his mind to worry? Again, incomprehensible to me.

Leave asap. Things will not get better I'm afraid, even if you had sex with him every single night. Twice.

You are so young and have no children together. Please leave- please don’t waste the rest of your 30s or any of your 40s on a dead relationship.

And what he said about the police notifying him if anything went wrong to justify not checking in on you sums his lack of care up. That disinterest is not worth fighting for. You deserve more and will get more even by being single for the rest of your life!

The intimacy has gone. The marriage is sexless. Conversation is boring. It sounds like this relationship has run its course. It will be much easier to start over now than in 10 years time. Stop dragging it out.

In a nutshell he doesn’t have the feelings about you to make him want to contact you, show interest and give you communication.
In return you don’t desire any sexual intimacy with him because he doesn’t show you any interest or even that he cares.

It also reads as though you feel like you are trying, but for you it doesn’t feel like he is regardless of what he says. It sounds very much like you are both out of the habit of needing or wanting each other, this happens and can be incredibly difficult to get back.

It seems to me like he has very much put you out of mind, hence the fact he doesn’t call or text and doesn’t even seem to worry about you even in circumstances when he should be concerned. This could be for many reasons, like he has just gotten very used to thinking of himself, and the resentment for the lack of sexual intimacy has made him feel indignant to give that to you as he feels he doesn’t get what he wants.

You still seem to me to think of him and consider him, and long for more from him and you probably done have for a long time. The problem is for you is that he comes across as so shut off and unreachable that his distance has made you switch off from him and therefore wanting any sexual intimacy.

You’re basically at a stand off with each other. He doesn’t recognise your efforts as those efforts are not the exact and particular thing he wants. He won’t make the leap to go outside of himself because I suspect he views this as you getting what you want, before him getting what he wants, and possibly feels like the risk of him still not getting what he wants is present and therefore just cuts himself off instead. It’s cyclical and would take a lot from each of you to overcome this. Given that you’ve had counselling and not managed to change the situation, I do wonder if it is possible that you can change it. As hard as it is, sometimes the kinder thing to do for yourself and for him is to let this all go and agree to split. It does sound like neither of you particularly wants this, but it is perhaps what you both need.

Run, OP. You are so young. You have your very best years ahead of you.

I also don't understand why you keep contacting him expecting his attention and then get annoyed when he's a bit distant give that you've already agreed to split?

It sounds like you both still care for each other very much,

It doesn't sound to me like her husband cares for @SamanthaParty at all, all he seems to care about is getting sex.

You are doing the right thing, @SamanthaParty by starting the process of divorce, you've been flogging a dead horse trying to make this relationship work, it won't.

I understand your fears for the future, try to look at it as a new beginning rather than just an ending, a chance to make the life you want. You are young, there are men out there more suited to you, you will not be judged for a 'failed' marriage and I am sure you will weather the financial aspect even though it may all not be easy at first but staying in this dead end marriage would be harder and eventually destroy any spark in you.

I think the reason it’s hard there no abuse no affair’s you’ve literally grown apart

you could trundle along like this for years sounds like you would both be happier apart
plenty of time to build a future

was he always emotionally detached

Oh OP I was going to recommend counselling as you didn't mention abuse but I see you have already tried that. It's so painful when a relationship is like this. If you don't find your husband sexually attractive and even your date nights are awful then it's time to walk away. It can be a clean break as you don't have kids. You are still so young and hopefully there will be happiness ahead - don't stay lonely, flogging a dead horse

This situation is not sustainable and it sounds like you'll have to be the one to make the tough decision to finally walk away. The relationship is dead, he doesn't want to try harder and even if he did it would probably be OK for a while then he'd revert to his true self, which is not communicative, caring or attentive. You need something more, you're still young - escape and live a better life!

You are young enough to start again op. I've done it at that age. I'm 50 now, and so happy I did it in my 30s. My life is so much fuller and happier. I can't believe I put up with it for so long. You are also far too young to be stuck in such an awful relationship - and yes it is awful. Work checked up on you. But your dh didn't, that's truly terrible.

A no fault DIY divorce is now very simple and cheap.
I would wager that as soon as you file he will come out of his depression enough to find someone else to be intimate with. Possibly he's trying to be nice so he hasn't actually cheated on you but he has proven again and again he has no interest in making YOU happy.
At your age grab your future. No shame in being divorced at all at any age. I might judge a 17yo divorcee but really I'd judge their parents for not protecting them from getting married practically as a child (and lots of 17yo get married, like it & stay married so every case is up for individual judging .) You've got the age and experience now to move on. By next year you could free and living happily! Go for it.

Sounds like you’ve just drifted apart. I’d say it’s very difficult to regain what you had, you simply don’t get on and his dismissive behaviour is really poor. Not contacting you when your job phoned to find you is incredibly odd.

You've been together since you were teenagers, not all young relationships work out. I think you've grown apart.