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Original poster

Christmas marriage splitting up - need advice

153 replies

SamanthaParty · 14/12/2022 11:57

I need a good shake.

Me and my husband have been living seperate lives for over 1 year. I will make dinner and he will usually grumble something, take his dinner and eat in another room. Anything I ask, his response is "dunno, what do you think/what to do", I usually snap at this now, because I cant believe a grown man has no opinion, on anything.

He is a good man, he does mean well, but it isnt enough. He says he doesnt know what to talk to me about as I put up "barriers", I dont. I sometimes find his chat very boring or very specific, i.e. "how was work" .. once I answer, he doesnt ask anything else and goes to another room. He said he feels low mood at the moment but that doesnt cover the last year or so. I do find him a bit grumpy and I have always begged for communication. For example, if I ever go away for work, or for a girls weekend etc, it's always me who contacts him to find out how he is, how the dog is doing, because I won't hear anything, it would ne nice to know I am missed sometimes. Sometimes when I return from these places he has asked where I have been as he has forgotten, that hurts.

I spoke to him about all of this, albeit days before anniversairy, and he was so stand off ish. He says he doesnt feeel loved by me, as we havent had sex since March (it was Oct before that), and that we dont kiss or cuddle. However, I cant sleep with him, as my needs are not being met. I want to feel loved, that he is interested, that he loves me. I need something.

Even when I kiss or cuddle him he thinks it will lead to sex so I stopped doing those things, sad I know.

When we are out, I an envious when I see other couples laughing and joking, being touchy feely, we used to have that, years ago.

We have went to counselling and he said he finds me unadventorous - which I started arguing about as I am not. He doesnt understand the efforts I have put in to our relationship - I done a huge road trip on the back of his motorbike for his big birthday a few years back (my suggestion, I was utterly terrified, but I thought it would be nice to do), I booked up white water rafting for another birthday, and I nearly drowned!! his first reaction was to laugh when I was crying as he thought I was over exaggerating, he apologised soon after but still. In the past we have been rock climbing, surfing etc. so I foudn that comment uncalled for. He asked said he wants more intimacy and that if we had sex "it would all be okay", no it wouldnt be.

We decided to split after counselling but then decided against this and try some date nights, they were awkward. NO conversation, very formal feeling, just weird. We then decided to split up, and have agreed to go to solicitors after Christmas. We spoke on Monday, and he said he has felt happier without me but he is very hurt as all he wants is me. I agree, I feel happier alone too, albeit lonely, but a bit happier. He then asked what I wanted to do, as he didnt want to break up but feels this has run its course. He said if we were to get back to normal he needs imtimacy, I said we have to meet in the middle as my needs need to be met too. He said he didnt know what to do as he has tried everything. I told him I wanted communication, to feel he is interested. Since Monday, I have texted him to see if he is okay, asked if he wanted a lift to his works party, and its like to trying to get blood from a stone.

My work accidentially called him last week as I hadnt turned up for work and had a meeting - but I was stuck in really bad weather. He never mentioned this to me, and didnt even contact me to check I was alright. He said "if something had happened, the police would have told me" - that hurt, and he cant understand why that hurts. He says he is depressed but has recently stopped going to counselling and refuses to look for a new job, as apparently, this makes him very stressed.

What to do, its such a shit time of year :(

For context, I am 31, he is 33, been together 12 years, married for 6. No kids.

I dont want to start over again, I am terrified of the finance aspect, that I wont ever met anyone and that I will be judged for a failed marriage this young.

OP posts:
category12 · 14/12/2022 15:43

Christ, you're only 31, now is the time is leg it out of this marriage, while you're still young and have plenty of time in your fertility window to find someone else if you want children.

Don't settle for being miserable with someone who is emotionally unavailable to you.

You've been with the guy 12 years, you've given it a good go, make a change.

The sunk costs fallacy is probably what's holding you back, but don't waste any more time in a relationship that's not working for you.

MysteryBelle · 14/12/2022 15:43

Like others I thought you were in your 50s. But you’re very young, but together for 12 years but no children. That’s a lot of buts. Ok. As I began reading, I thought you should try meeting his need which he has told you over and over is sex. It makes him feel loved. That is intimacy to him. To you, intimacy means cuddling and talking. Op, that is true of probably 99% of couples.

But, as I kept reading, I felt you may be right that going ahead and meeting his need does not mean he will then meet yours. He seems awful and beyond salvaging. Not checking on you at all. And immature.

However, I will say this. If you really want to find out for sure, which I would personally, even though it feels very distasteful at the moment, I’d meet his need. I’d go back to how you felt about him before, even though he is what he is now, and I’d meet his need and I’d do it with the love and passion from beginning of relationship. I’d also stop any criticism, and ‘talking’ about problems. It means a 180 of what you’ve been doing for years, it won’t be easy. I’d do this and give him three months to change, to want to be the husband he should want to be to you. If it works, you’ll be able to talk through problems and he will participate instead of shutting down. You won’t have sex with him. That’s important to many people in a marriage, it is intimacy to them. You both are not getting what you need.

At the end of that, if he has not made significant consistent changes, then you can walk away and start again with no qualms. The good news is that you’re very young and no children to complicate everything. It could be that you subconsciously resisted having children with this man until you felt secure.

You can get through this whatever you decide. But don’t hang on the same way for more years, don’t waste your life.

SpeccyHotdog · 14/12/2022 15:45

You are just part of the furniture. He doesn't worry about you because you don't really matter to him.

I was you ten years ago, I thought that it didn't matter, I was independent, didn't need a man to rescue me blah blah blah.

What I didn't realise is, that I was so lonely and when my kids came along I focused on them. I got sick of being used as a wank sock by my husband without any emotional connection and stopped having sex with him for about 4 months. In that time, he got sick of not being "serviced" so went out and had an affair.

Don't be me, it doesn't get better. They are incapable of an emotional connection. Run for your freaking life!

category12 · 14/12/2022 15:46

And FGS don't listen to the advice to have sex you don't want with the guy, it's soul-destroying.

You got together quite young, you've grown apart, don't try to force it. It's better for both of you to split and go separate ways to find new happiness than trudge on mismatched.

AngelinaFibres · 14/12/2022 15:47

AcrossthePond55 · 14/12/2022 15:28

Gonna give you two 'platitudes'. 1-It's better to be alone than to be wishing you were, and 2-You can feel more 'alone' with the wrong person that you'll ever feel actually on your own.

Just leave. No amount of lost finances (you can rebuild), no person's judgment (the people who truly love you won't judge you, who cares about the rest), no fear of 'never meeting someone else' (you'll never meet Mr Right when you're tied to Mr Wrong) is worth the misery you're feeling now. Your 'soul' is being destroyed bit by bit by his indifference.

You are unhappy. You won't be any more or less unhappy if you break up at Christmas or on August Bank Holiday. Sit yourself down quietly and think what you'd like to say and how you'd like the separation and divorce to 'work'. If you're talking renting and 'not a lot' of assets, then you can probably figure it out yourself. My ex and I had diddly-squat so I just told him "Take your half and skedaddle". But if you're talking a good deal of money/assets or you own a house, first see a solicitor and discuss what you'd like (financially) with them. They're best placed to tell you whether your ideas are practical or possible. But either way, tell him as soon as you've figured it out. TBH it wouldn't surprise me if he just shrugged his shoulders and said 'whatever'.

"....I will be judged for a failed marriage this young"

FWIW, I married my exH when I was barely 20. Our divorce was when I was almost 25. No one thought a thing about my being 'this young' to have a failed marriage. In fact, many commended me for being wise enough to call it quits before I 'wasted any more time'. As a matter of fact a very wise older relative told me that letting go of something that is not working is not 'failing', it's succeeding.

All of this with bells on. My husband left me when we were 32. I had 2 children so my situation was different from yours but the fear is the same whatever situation you find yourself in. I thought I would die of the pain but I didn't. I went back to teaching and built a new life. I met my second husband when my children were 7 and 9. He is utterly wonderful. He loves me and I love him. He is a brilliant dad to my children.I was so lonely in my first marriage but I just accepted it, thought that's how marriage was.It isn't. A happy marriage is the most wonderful thing. Staying in a miserable marriage is daft and completely unnecessary. By Christmas 2023 you will have begun lots of your new life. GOOD LUCK wonderful things await you xxxx

TrimTheTree · 14/12/2022 15:48

@SamanthaParty for context on the not worrying you had crashed thing and what a loving DH would do. I didn’t return home from work as expected one time, don’t carry phones in work. My shift was later and he hadn’t realised. DH after a few hours phoned work and they wrongly said I had left for home a few hours ago (I was in a different dept). So he starting walking to work the way I drove to see if he came across an accident. It would have taken him about 4 hours to walk. After an hour he got through to the right dept.

leave your DH and find your own happiness.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/12/2022 15:52

When I was reading your posts I expected you both to be WAY older, past the kids stage etc.

You are far too young to live like this.

2Hot2Handle · 14/12/2022 15:55

I think the thing a lot of people in unhappy marriages have to decide, is whether it’s worth the gamble that separation/divorce will result in a happier life. And that’s the scary bit.

Take your husband’s feelings out of the equation. You’ve spoken to him about how you feel and his reaction seems to be to blame you for his behaviour towards you. You can’t control his thoughts, feelings or actions, but you can spend time on yours.

Instead of shaping your life around him, start shaping one without him. Ensure you’re comfortable financially, make plans outside your home with friends, workmates, hobbies etc. Start living your life for you and see how that makes you feel.

I think one of two things will happen. It will either spark your DH’s interest in you and your relationship again (and your interest in him), as you’re less reliant on each other to fulfil your needs, OR, you will enjoy the “single” life and shape a new lifestyle that will make it easier to separate. It’s a gentler approach, with 2 possible outcomes, both of which are positive.

Tessabelle74 · 14/12/2022 16:00

Oh lord, pleeeeeeeease don't waste any more of either of your lives flogging this dead horse! Your marriage is dead, hold your head up, you tried to fight and sort it but you can't do it alone. Call time on it, take some time to enjoy your freedom and something better WILL come along! Your story is so like mine, I found myself single at 30 and I had a great time, out partying, one night stands the works, it was liberating as I'd ALWAYS been in a relationship since I was 17! I'm not advocating that for everyone, but I found myself in those couple of years and I met my now husband at 33, we have 4 kids and I love the bones of him despite his many faults but then I have them too and he loves me back! Let him go, you will both be ok, I promise!

slowquickstep · 14/12/2022 16:01

Let 2023 be the year you starting living your life.

butterfliedtwo · 14/12/2022 16:01

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/12/2022 15:52

When I was reading your posts I expected you both to be WAY older, past the kids stage etc.

You are far too young to live like this.

Me too.

Get out and live your life, OP. Find someone who gives a shit how you are and would fucking react if work calls that you haven't shown up and they can't reach you.

Tessabelle74 · 14/12/2022 16:02

TrimTheTree · 14/12/2022 15:48

@SamanthaParty for context on the not worrying you had crashed thing and what a loving DH would do. I didn’t return home from work as expected one time, don’t carry phones in work. My shift was later and he hadn’t realised. DH after a few hours phoned work and they wrongly said I had left for home a few hours ago (I was in a different dept). So he starting walking to work the way I drove to see if he came across an accident. It would have taken him about 4 hours to walk. After an hour he got through to the right dept.

leave your DH and find your own happiness.

Wow! That's devotion ❤️

thewayround · 14/12/2022 16:03

. I was only 15/20minutes late

good Lord. Your work began calling after 15/20 mins late???

thewayround · 14/12/2022 16:04

DH after a few hours phoned work and they wrongly said I had left for home a few hours ago (I was in a different dept). So he starting walking to work the way I drove to see if he came across an accident. It would have taken him about 4 hours to walk. After an hour he got through to the right dept.

@TrimTheTree

the OP was 15/20 mins late!

thewayround · 14/12/2022 16:06

In fact if you were only 15/20 mins by time you arrived

that means your work must have begun call before you were even 15 minutes late!

Knors · 14/12/2022 16:06

thewayround · 14/12/2022 16:03

. I was only 15/20minutes late

good Lord. Your work began calling after 15/20 mins late???

But its because she had someone waiting for her so off course they would call and check up? Which employer wouldn't?
Fair enough if it was a regular day...

Jasminesmellingcandles · 14/12/2022 16:06

You are far too young and important to live like this.

thewayround · 14/12/2022 16:07

I was only 15/20minutes late but I had someone waiting for me in reception.

someone was waiting for you in reception before you were 15/20 mins late. Why??

thewayround · 14/12/2022 16:08

Knors · 14/12/2022 16:06

But its because she had someone waiting for her so off course they would call and check up? Which employer wouldn't?
Fair enough if it was a regular day...

Show quote history

Ah I see, apologies.
but from the DH’s perspective… they must have rung and said his wife was 5-15 mins late! Would you worry?!

Notmytiep · 14/12/2022 16:09

thewayround · 14/12/2022 16:07

I was only 15/20minutes late but I had someone waiting for me in reception.

someone was waiting for you in reception before you were 15/20 mins late. Why??

Go fucking read instead of being a bitch!

thewayround · 14/12/2022 16:10

And very bizarre for work to “accidentally call” your DH.

They would have had to bring up your emergency contact list!

thewayround · 14/12/2022 16:10

Notmytiep · 14/12/2022 16:09

Go fucking read instead of being a bitch!

Show quote history

They rang the dh when she was less than 15mins late.

why would he worry?

BabyOnBoard90 · 14/12/2022 16:14

If its this sexless at your age then imagine in ten years.

At least you're young enough to find someone else.

been and done it. · 14/12/2022 16:16

I should have left 15 years ago I didn't and now it's far too late, don't be me..start again..you're young.

GreenManalishi · 14/12/2022 16:17

There is absolutely nobody judging you for being divorced. In all honesty, I have the biggest respect for young divorced women because they got out rather than hung on for grim death.

Honestly, please do not stay because of appearances, do what feels true, even if it is hard. I got divorced and swore absolutely blind I would NEVER ever do it again, and I now have a partner I could not have dreamed up, I am grateful every damn day that I got out and made way for him.

Free yourself, it doesn't sound like he is stopping you.