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Original poster

Christmas marriage splitting up - need advice

153 replies

SamanthaParty · 14/12/2022 11:57

I need a good shake.

Me and my husband have been living seperate lives for over 1 year. I will make dinner and he will usually grumble something, take his dinner and eat in another room. Anything I ask, his response is "dunno, what do you think/what to do", I usually snap at this now, because I cant believe a grown man has no opinion, on anything.

He is a good man, he does mean well, but it isnt enough. He says he doesnt know what to talk to me about as I put up "barriers", I dont. I sometimes find his chat very boring or very specific, i.e. "how was work" .. once I answer, he doesnt ask anything else and goes to another room. He said he feels low mood at the moment but that doesnt cover the last year or so. I do find him a bit grumpy and I have always begged for communication. For example, if I ever go away for work, or for a girls weekend etc, it's always me who contacts him to find out how he is, how the dog is doing, because I won't hear anything, it would ne nice to know I am missed sometimes. Sometimes when I return from these places he has asked where I have been as he has forgotten, that hurts.

I spoke to him about all of this, albeit days before anniversairy, and he was so stand off ish. He says he doesnt feeel loved by me, as we havent had sex since March (it was Oct before that), and that we dont kiss or cuddle. However, I cant sleep with him, as my needs are not being met. I want to feel loved, that he is interested, that he loves me. I need something.

Even when I kiss or cuddle him he thinks it will lead to sex so I stopped doing those things, sad I know.

When we are out, I an envious when I see other couples laughing and joking, being touchy feely, we used to have that, years ago.

We have went to counselling and he said he finds me unadventorous - which I started arguing about as I am not. He doesnt understand the efforts I have put in to our relationship - I done a huge road trip on the back of his motorbike for his big birthday a few years back (my suggestion, I was utterly terrified, but I thought it would be nice to do), I booked up white water rafting for another birthday, and I nearly drowned!! his first reaction was to laugh when I was crying as he thought I was over exaggerating, he apologised soon after but still. In the past we have been rock climbing, surfing etc. so I foudn that comment uncalled for. He asked said he wants more intimacy and that if we had sex "it would all be okay", no it wouldnt be.

We decided to split after counselling but then decided against this and try some date nights, they were awkward. NO conversation, very formal feeling, just weird. We then decided to split up, and have agreed to go to solicitors after Christmas. We spoke on Monday, and he said he has felt happier without me but he is very hurt as all he wants is me. I agree, I feel happier alone too, albeit lonely, but a bit happier. He then asked what I wanted to do, as he didnt want to break up but feels this has run its course. He said if we were to get back to normal he needs imtimacy, I said we have to meet in the middle as my needs need to be met too. He said he didnt know what to do as he has tried everything. I told him I wanted communication, to feel he is interested. Since Monday, I have texted him to see if he is okay, asked if he wanted a lift to his works party, and its like to trying to get blood from a stone.

My work accidentially called him last week as I hadnt turned up for work and had a meeting - but I was stuck in really bad weather. He never mentioned this to me, and didnt even contact me to check I was alright. He said "if something had happened, the police would have told me" - that hurt, and he cant understand why that hurts. He says he is depressed but has recently stopped going to counselling and refuses to look for a new job, as apparently, this makes him very stressed.

What to do, its such a shit time of year :(

For context, I am 31, he is 33, been together 12 years, married for 6. No kids.

I dont want to start over again, I am terrified of the finance aspect, that I wont ever met anyone and that I will be judged for a failed marriage this young.

OP posts:
WhatHappenedToYoyos · 14/12/2022 13:03

I'm a similar age to you, married same length and together 10 years. My relationship is not like yours and we have DCs to add in the mix which can change the dynamic for intimacy etc. My point is, it shouldn't be this hard.

If you don't have intimacy and the bloke doesn't care that you're missing, I'd say it's time to leave. Many of my friends are early 30s, single, never married/engaged. You're at a great age to start again and either enjoy single life or find someone new. You've both admitted you're happier apart.

mondaytosunday · 14/12/2022 13:05

Of course you will feel lonely and regretful and a bit lost. It's not a decision to be made and then boom everything is right and you instantly feel free. It's a process and you have to go through it.
But it really seems that you have grown apart and there's no point trying to patch things up. You've tried. You just aren't right for each other anymore.

ICanHideButICantRun · 14/12/2022 13:06

Come on, OP, time to be proactive about this. It's not a marriage - there is no relationship any more.

I was so relieved to see you don't have children together. You have plenty of time now to move away, meet someone new and start over.

Why be embarrassed about already having been married? You just have to say, "I'm divorced now - we grew apart." Nobody is going to judge you.

Come on, don't even wait for Christmas. Take action!

Unbridezilla · 14/12/2022 13:06

Please leave him. If you do want kids, then it isn't going to happen with him, is it?! And if you don't, can you imagine the next 50 years of your life in this pattern? It is hard, but necessary.

I think it's actually relatively common for couples to split in their early 30s, so you really won't be judged. I did it, and plenty of my friendship group did.

redtshirt50 · 14/12/2022 13:08

Wow you’re only 31

Reading this I was thinking late 40’s or 50’s.

It’s not going to get any better, leave now and find someone who makes you happy

DarkShade · 14/12/2022 13:10

I also thought you were going to be in yours 50s with school aged kids at home! OP - leave this man!! Put it this way: why would you not leave him? The only reason you give is the shame of a failed marriage, but an unhappy marriage IS a failed marriage. You're better off just starting again at your age. Do you want children? How, if you can't stand to have sex with him? Men like this get worse after having kids, it can break even previously solid relationships, would really advise against it. If you don't want kids then there is no 'clock', still good reason to get out now and start again. In case it helps, I'm in a similar position (same age, same amount of years on the relationship, bad uncommunciative relationship although we don't have the lack of care that you describe) but with kids, far more difficult. Would not stay if I didn't.

It just doesn't sound like you are at all compatible. You got together really young, a teenager still, and you have grown into different people. This is a man who doesn't care that you haven't turned up to work in a blizzard. Leave him and find someone who would care if you didn't get to work.

EcafTnuc · 14/12/2022 13:14

I dont want to start over again, I am terrified of the finance aspect, that I wont ever met anyone and that I will be judged for a failed marriage this young.
Honestly I’d judge you more for staying with a man who you don’t have any sort of relationship for “financial” reasons.

You both sound utterly bored of the relationship, if you’re not getting anything out of it why bother continuing it? You’ve both even said you’re happier alone.

You’ve got an entire lifetime to rebuild your bank balance and find a new bloke.

Find your happy.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 14/12/2022 13:15

It sounds like the relationship is over but you're finding hard to split up because you've been together your entire adult lives. It's scary and you're going to miss each other but you're young, you have plenty of time to find a relationship with someone you want to be around and who makes you feel loved. Make a clean break now, take a bit of time to lick your wounds then move on. You'll both be happier.

CatJumperTwat · 14/12/2022 13:19

I got divorced in my 20s. I stayed much longer than I should because I was ashamed at "failing" and being divorced so young. I was SO much happier when I finally let go, and I kick myself for caring more about what other people would think than my own feelings.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 14/12/2022 13:25

SamanthaParty · 14/12/2022 12:29

I texted him asking if we were okay - and he said yes he isnt angry at me, why - I said because it feels likehe doesnt want to speak to me. He said he does but was busy yesterday. I feel like this is always the story. He said he is hurt that we are in limbo but all I am asking for is to feel he is interested in me - to recieve a text asking how I am, that he misses me, anything but all I have is nothing

He clearly isn't interested in you, that is the reality. That's not a flaw of yourself btw so don't see it as such. The best you can hope for if you push it is that he feigns interest. That might work for a while but you'll eventually see it for what it is and then you'll be back to where you are now, just with more time wasted.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/12/2022 13:25

Sorry OP but this marriage is clearly done. No judgement, and if anyone does then let let. You deserve to be happy and loved. To feel loved. To have your needs met. And he deserves that happiness and connection too.

Can you both go back to parents or similar separately for Xmas and New Year? Come back and take a room each until someone can move out.

Are you holding on because yo u want kids and worry you won't have time with someone else?

Ginsloth · 14/12/2022 13:25

Reading this filled me with sadness, I can only imagine how it feels to live it.
You’ve had counselling, you’ve broke up, got back together and broke up again. Why are you still texting him asking him if he’s ok and if he needs lifts? He’s never extended the same effort or kindness to you. I think you need to have a clean break, spend Christmas with family or friends if you can? Then sort the divorce in the new year.

I’d like to add, I am the same age as you and married. My marriage is not perfect, we bicker, and there are stresses, but, we are so completely in love with each other. I love coming home from work and catching up with my husband. I love nights spent watching rubbish tv and snuggling up together. This isn’t a brag, I was lucky to find someone I was compatible with, the reason I talk about this is to tell you that it’s the kind of relationship you deserve. You shouldn’t settle at 31 years old for a cold, loveless relationship.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 14/12/2022 13:26

You are young. Plenty of time to meet someone else and have a happy relationship.

Unicorn2022 · 14/12/2022 13:26

OMG you are so young - when you said "big birthday" I was thinking 40 or 50. Please leave this marriage now. Nobody will judge you and you only get one life. You could be really happy with someone else.

TokyoSushi · 14/12/2022 13:29

Gosh, I thought you were going to say that you were in your 50's or something. You have your whole life ahead of you, leave, this is no way to live!

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 14/12/2022 13:31

You're too young to settle.

Just chalk him up to being an excellent choice for a first husband. Do you really want another 20, 30, 40 years of ennui? It will kill your spirit.

Autumntimeagain · 14/12/2022 13:40

OP stop wasting your time asking him for communication or him taking an interest in you, because he's made it clear that he's not interested, at all.

Get the divorce started and start looking to the future instead of trying to recapture the past.

You've both said you feel happier 'alone', so make it permanent with a divorce asap, so that you can start to enjoy life again as a single woman.

It won't take long for you to realise just how far down he has dragged your own mood because you've been 'flogging a dead horse' for years...

AuntieStella · 14/12/2022 13:42

I'm not quite sure which way round the vote was meant to be.

You and he don't understand each other. You've laid out your side, but I bet you couldn't lay out his (for example you don't know what he means by "unadventurous" but will rebut in in your terms, without considering he might mean something completely different to action holidays). I don't say that to have a go at you, but to point out why I think communication has totally failed in both directions.

And I don't see any obvious ways to revive it.

Which doesn't really leave much of a future

NewToWoo · 14/12/2022 13:44

Honestly, I am usually the last person to say leave, but what you describe is absolutley dead in the water. You are so young still. Get out now and meet a man who is warm and interested in you and emotionally connects with you. That line about 'the police would have told me' makes my blood run cold. Of course you don't want sex with someone who has that little interest in whether you're alive or dead. Repulsive!

sianiboo · 14/12/2022 13:45

I left my first husband at 23, was divorced at 24. We'd only been married 2 and a half years when I left. If anyone 'judged' me, they had the sense not to say anything to my face... not that it would have made a blind bit of difference, anyway.

My first husband was like yours...he took zero interest in my life. When he wasn't at work, he was on his allotment, or doing bits of work on the side. We did nothing together, I begged him to spend more time together...his answer? He started training to be a Scout Leader...so he was out of the house even more. That was the last straw for me, I left him 3 months later.

He's not going to suddenly have a road to Damascus moment and change his whole character...this is who he is. Stop flogging this dead horse of a relationship and give it a decent burial.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 14/12/2022 13:45

Another one who read this thinking you were 20/30+ years older… no way should you settle for this. You’ll regret the wasted years, and it’ll only get harder to leave.

get out now! There’s a whole life out there waiting for you

TiaraBoo · 14/12/2022 13:46

I dont want to start over again, I am terrified of the finance aspect, that I wont ever met anyone and that I will be judged for a failed marriage this young

You are too young to care about these things you’ve mentioned.
Instead think about what it would be like to
-not have sex again or once a year
-have a child with someone that doesn’t seem to care much about you, only himself
-imagine being 40, 50, 60 and how you would feel then

FWIW - I would admire you for not settling for this shit and making yourself a new life. You are young and deserve to enjoy your next say 60 ? years of life. I know it’s hard, but you are almost there with making a change. Good luck!!

lyricaldanceflap1412 · 14/12/2022 13:46

I think you know that the marriage has run it's course. Neither of you are bad people, just incompatible now. It happens and is nothing to be ashamed of. You've both tried your best.

I was at the same point around your age but didn't listen to my gut and am now mid-50's after 30 years together. We are two different people with a lot more life stuff to unravel which will be a lot harder. I wish I'd not doubted myself. Please don't make the same mistake. You're still young.

Please don't settle but call it a day now. It doesn't have to be acrimonious. Good luck @SamanthaParty 💐

IVbumble · 14/12/2022 13:48

It sounds like you are hanging on to what is rather than take the step of moving forward & getting divorced because you don't want to face the grief associated with divorce.

It's ok to end a relationship/marriage & you deserve to be happy. Accepting the grief as being part of normal life may help you decide what you really want to do. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

JessicaDamnDay · 14/12/2022 13:48

Please leave. He says he's tried everything, when actually it sounds to me like you're the one that's tried everything, and he's done nothing at all. Nobody will judge you for getting divorced. There are far better options out there, I promise you.