Support thread for those hosting Ukrainian refugees.

[UltimateFoole]

I've started this new thread so that this support can continue for anyone hosting Ukrainians under the H4U scheme. Also for those thinking about hosting. And for anyone who has previously hosted and still needs support.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4552566-support-thread-for-those-hosting-refugees-and-advice-for-those-thinking-about-it?reply=122239451&utm_source=sendinblue&utm_campaign=Mumsnet_Watched_Thread_Notification_New_Talk&utm_medium=email

I'm so glad I've found this thread as I really need to offload...
I've been hosting a Ukrainian lady for 5 months now and it's by no means terrible but is worse than I was expecting and I definitely don't want to extend beyond 6 months.
My main issue is that she has no job and is very picky about what work she will do. She's told me that she's unwilling to do "basic" work like waitressing and wants to get a job at a similar level as her previous office job in Ukraine. I understand that it must be frustrating to take a step back in your career, but I think it's unrealistic of her to expect to waltz immediately into a high-flying office job in a different country when she's not fluent in the language. The vast majority of people will have to do work that is "beneath them" at some point in their lives (myself included) and it doesn't sit right with me that there are so many hard-working people in the UK who are struggling to pay bills at the moment, all whilst she has the luxury of being able to pick and choose what work she will do and get free accommodation. (And to top it all off, despite not working or paying any taxes yet, she also had the cheek to ask to be moved down the NHS waiting list for treatment.)

Since moving in she has made very little effort to ask me questions or get to know me (if I ask "how are you?" she rarely even asks me "how are you?" back). In fact, I don't think she's asked me a single question about my friends / hobbies / family etc since she moved in, which makes it very awkward when we are in communal spaces. At first I did my best to be chatty and make her feel welcome, but it's gotten to the point where I can't be bothered making an effort when it's not reciprocated, so we mostly just stand there in silence if we're both using the kitchen at the same time. (I've been told that this is a cultural thing and Ukrainians tend not to ask many questions, but she has told me that she wants to permanently move to the UK, so surely she needs to learn how to hold a polite conversation with British people? If she does eventually get an office job then I think she'll find it hard to get on with her co-workers if she's unable to hold a conversation with them or even just ask how they are.)

She can also come across quite racist at times (making comments about certain nationalities' cleanliness standards etc) which makes me very uncomfortable.

On the plus side, she doesn't expect the heating to be on full blast at all times and is reasonably clean and tidy, but I must say that the negatives definitely outweigh the positives.

I'd be interested to hear if anyone has had similar experiences. I went into this scheme thinking I'd be offering someone a stepping stone to help them find their feet in the UK, but I can't help but feel taken advantage of.

That sounds very frustrating and yes she’s not going to get anywhere unless she is realistic. While we can all sympathise about how hard it must be to start again in a new country, the fact is it does take a lot of effort and compromise.
You are doing the right thing by not extending the placement because it is clearly not working for you.
Is it her first HFU placement? When did she leave Ukraine?

Thanks for your response. I'm glad someone agrees with me as sometimes I worry I'm being unreasonable or overreacting. Yes this is her first HFU placement. In the new year I will explain to her that I'm unable to extend my hosting for longer than 6 months. In some ways I feel bad about my decision, but I'm tired of sharing my home with her and feeling guilty for avoiding her.

It sounds like she is not prepared to work hard in jobs "beneath" her unlike many people. We somehow need a system where if this happens the UK meal ticket is withdrawn but I am not sure there is a procedure for that as yet. It is likely she will move from this host to another one.

One of our guests was similar. She never really spoke to us much and we never really felt like she became part of the household. As it happens we have plenty of space and we didn’t spend tons of time together so it was fine but we would have struggled if we’d had less room or been home a lot more. I really feel for her as it must be a huge thing to leave your home and be frightened for your family who didn’t leave and to then have to get to the point you accept you’ll have to take on work that’s totally different to what you’ve been used to. I think you can simultaneously sympathise and feel a bit frustrated with people. Our guest stayed almost 18 months and will have been here 2 years soon but she’s still spending her days doing English classes and a bit of volunteering at the heart foundation. I must confess while I wish her well I do also think she should get a job doing whatever is available rather than continuing to look for work in her field. I feel she’d have a better time overall if she did even if her job wasn’t one she enjoyed as she’d be meeting more people, have some spare funds for travelling etc. I remind myself she’s having a shitty time and that while some people cope with adversity well others crumble a bit and those in the latter category do still need some help.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Six months is already a long time to not feel comfortable in your home. Nobody has any obligation to do this at all; you certainly shouldn’t feel guilty about not doing it for longer especially if you are not convinced it is working as it is intended to.

Hello, can I join your chat? I'm not hosting anyone in my home but I am part of a group from our local church supporting 3 Ukrainian families in our local area, two mothers and 4 children sharing one house and a mum, her mum and her 2 young daughters in a second house. Our church congregation cover their rent and utilities, they pay everything else themselves.
I have children the same age and at the same school as the Ukrainian kids so of everyone involved I have become their go-to for support and questions. 2 of the kids are due to start high school after the summer so I am helping them make decisions about that. The children are relying quite heavily on my child in school and he's feeling stressed. The kids appear to be fine on the surface but are obviously away from their home, worrying about family members etc, so can be quite volatile. One of their fathers has died in Ukraine and he shares quite a lot of detail of that. Ds is only 10 and I feel that's too much responsibility for him.
The adults are all taking English lessons and have part time jobs. They cover their own living expenses. They swing between desperation to get back to their lives in Ukraine and frantic planning for a life here in the UK. I get it (sort of), they can't see an end to the war so are having to plan for staying here. 2 of the 3 are very ambitious, had good careers in Ukraine. The 3rd is quite shy and I don't know her very well at all.

I don't quite know why I'm posting. They don't share our home. But I'm finding supporting them to be really emotionally draining. And like them I don't know how this will end.

We're already sponsored the mum of the widowed woman to come and live with her daughter and grandkids in the UK. The other families are now suggesting we could help their elderly parents leave Ukraine. One of them has suggested that her husband could maybe also leave if he can persuade the Ukrainian authorities that he is an essential carer for the elderly father, it is just never ending.

I swing between thinking how badly I'd want a family in another country to support me, how desperate I would be to bring my parents with me. I get it.

I feel that the families are genuine, I feel like they are working hard to be settled and independent, they are honestly trying their best to make a life from this horrible limbo situation.

But equally I wonder how much more we can possibly do.

2 of the 3 families have returned to Ukraine to visit. One family has only gone back once, the other family go every few months. How can they do that if the area is so dangerous? I don't really understand it all.

We've got an 18 yr old boy staying in our house this week, just for a week. He's house sharing with someone else, but his host wanted a week off. He's a sweet boy and we're enjoying having him but we couldn't do it much longer. I'm so impressed by those of you who have been hosting for months.

A bit of a pointless post, I'm sorry. I don't like talking about how tricky I'm finding it in real life. They can't help their situation and I don't want to gossip with people who know them.

2 of the 3 families have returned to Ukraine to visit. One family has only gone back once, the other family go every few months. How can they do that if the area is so dangerous? I don't really understand it all.

this is what I struggle the most with. The family we support (in a separate house) are currently in Ukraine for a month for Christmas..

My parents have been hosting the same family (Mum, teenage son and sometimes adult daughter!) for 18 months now. I just can't see them ever leaving.

They're nice, but my parents have made it such a lovely place to be, that now they are talking about helping them to move on, there's upset!

It makes perfect sense to me, especially for families with children.
If you have a base in a safe country you can return home at moments when things aren’t looking too bad, in the knowledge that should bombardments start again or the electricity supply get destroyed you can get the children out and have somewhere to go to. If you remember the chaos and desperation at the start of the war, with people getting on trains to random places, that’s not something you would want to go through again. And yet, a week at home to see your dad every few months might seem a risk worth taking.

18 months! Please help your parents, they might feel pressured.

Some days are better than others, and it is very easy to fall into a sense of false security. I am settled in the UK for nearly 20 years, but I went to UA to see family and deal with some inheritance issues during the war. Some days it is almost normal. Some days you almost fully spend in a bomb shelter / corridor. People who went back home for holidays likely regret it today.

You're right. I'm just weary and judgemental. And I have no right to be weary, my family are all together in a safe country. And I shouldn't be judgemental at all. My life is a dream in comparison.

I think it’s good to try and avoid being judgmental but you can’t help being weary. Nobody has bottomless emotional resources.

If they are working why aren’t they paying their own rent?

Oh they know my opinion @mottytotty , and they are more than capable to know what they are doing, they're just bloody soft!

They've made it far too comfy for the family. I want to believe they are just sad to be having to leave, rather than trying to be manipulative, but I can't be sure

Sorry but I am using this to vent my growing anger. We have hosted a mum and 5 year old from Ukraine for over a year now very successfully. They are lovely. However, we want our house back so I have told them they have just 6 months more with us.
From the beginning we explained that she would have to save, ready for when she became independent if the war didn't finish. Apart from £200 for food and some travel costs, she has had hundreds over each month from her benefits. For 5 months she has earned £600 as a cleaner a month. She says she cannot afford to rent. Her husband has a very well paid job in Kyiv and has paid nothing to them or for them since they left.
I got onto my Ukrainian liaison at the local council and they have been offered a 2 bed social house in a local small town with good transport links and part time jobs available, but she doesn't want to take it as it will cost all her money each month. We have already said she can take all their bedding and towels, and I will sort crockery, and cooking items.
I found myself saying great - welcome to the real world in the UK. This is not how I am usually and I feel awful.
She wants another host to save money, presumably to take home with her.
She came home yesterday with a £90 pair of jeans. That says it all - mine are £18 from Sainsbury!
There are so many people on the social housing lists who would love this house being offered.
I can't help this feeling of how ungrateful some refugees are. Not all, of course. But this attitude of her not wanting to work in a lowly job like waitresses or cleaning is getting me down and angry. My husband feels the same now. He thinks that the host money should have been docked from their benefits or kept back to save for them to be given back when independent.
What with free schooling and health care, which is used frequently as she wants antibiotics for a sniff (doesn't get them), I feel we have done our bit.
Sorry to your readers but I needed to express my feelings. Thank you all.

6 months is too long to be still hosting people you are feeling resentful about. It is not meant to be a long term commitment unless it works for both sides, it’s supposed to be a way for them to be helped while they find their feet in a new country. I don’t think there’s any point in sitting there steaming about ingratitude, what you need to do is to focus on how to manage their moving on as quickly as possible. The sooner you get things moving the less resentful you will be. The conversation about ‘this is how people have to live in England’ did need to be had at some point and while I understand you feel bad if it came out in a cross way, you would have had to say it at some point anyway. It is challenging moving your guests on. Mine were lovely and we never had anything to feel resentful about but steeling myself to say, ‘we think it’s time you moved out’ was still hard.
I think you need to say, ‘Look, it’s not working for us any more and we think it would be best for everyone if you started looking for somewhere else’ and then bombard her with information about private rentals, which might open her eyes to how good the council’s offer is. If she is absolutely adamant that she wants another host then you need to set a deadline and bounce it back to the council, tell them you will be making her homeless after a certain date. Sounds harsh but if they are going to move to another host it might as well be sooner as later.

My guests moved out in February (I think) and honestly it is so lovely to see them in their own house, with their own car now. It wasn’t easy for them but it did have to happen. We’ve seen them lots of times since and will be again next week, which I am looking forward to very much. Now that the dust has settled and I have some perspective I am very glad we made that happen when we did- I think they are better off now being independent and I am glad I didn’t let it go on till we all got sick of each other.
What I have learned, though, is that really almost the whole hosting period should be directed towards thinking about the future. At the start we were in the emotional place of seeing traumatised people instinctively wanting to care for them, and of course it’s worthwhile simply providing a safe place for them to get their breath back and figure out next steps, but ultimately the goal was always to help them achieve a sustainable life in the UK.

Beech give them 2 weeks' notice. Why bother with 6 months - those ones are not going to change - there are people from all countries like that and others who aren't like that.

My parents family turned a bit like that, had lived this cushty life in their house and didn't want to give that up. The Mum loved shopping and wasn't impressed that she'd probably no longer be able to afford the luxuries that she's got used to.

With a lot of persuasion they finally moved out last month into a lovely place and my Mum and Dad have peace again!

I think many of those who had the ability to just immediately pick up their lives and leave were wealthier people and they’d held decent jobs and enjoyed a nice standard of living. The adjustment is difficult. I host a family of five (four children). The mother still has no inclination to find a job two years later since she knows she won’t get a senior managerial role as she was used to and she’s now a single parent. She doesn’t need to though since she lives rent free and gets a large benefits payment each month..

I think tbh there’s a bit of a sweet spot between having the intelligence and cultural capital to be able to start life again in a new country speaking a foreign language, and having the successful career that you can’t replicate in the new country but makes you look overqualified for unskilled jobs. The mum in the family I hosted was very surprised by the fact she found it easier to get a job in a supermarket than Ukrainian friends of hers who were doctors, dentists and similar at home, even when they spoke better English than her. It’s not just that they didn’t try, some of them applied for similar jobs to her and didn’t get them.
But she had actually moved countries twice before (Uzbekistan > Russia > Ukraine) so she probably actually has all kinds of unconscious skills about fitting in, adapting, and finding work in a new place, that made it easier for her than someone who had always lived in Ukraine and followed a direct career pathway.

Certainly in London these jobs like ‘just’ a supermarket/ cafe etc are actually quite hotly fought for. Loads of applications and they can demand all sorts of funny shifts. No reason to pick up foreigners with poor English.
There are jobs, but they tend to be teaching jobs or other skilled rolls. Not something to walk into. Or delivery driving.
The other is hotel work, there’s a lot in central London as well as in restaurants. They require long and late evening shifts though, they are for young people not single mums.
The young women who stayed with me work in hotels now, but routinely after midnight from around 2pm. You just couldn’t with children.
Even as a mum with a degree I found it bloody hard to find a job after 6 years at home / self employed.