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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Support thread for those hosting Ukrainian refugees.

149 replies

UltimateFoole · 13/12/2022 13:17

I've started this new thread so that this support can continue for anyone hosting Ukrainians under the H4U scheme. Also for those thinking about hosting. And for anyone who has previously hosted and still needs support.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4552566-support-thread-for-those-hosting-refugees-and-advice-for-those-thinking-about-it?reply=122239451&utm_source=sendinblue&utm_campaign=Mumsnet_Watched_Thread_Notification_New_Talk&utm_medium=email

OP posts:
Charlieiscool · 23/05/2023 08:27

There are some very supportive groups for hosts on Facebook and I recommend joining them. There are people crying out for hosts now and if your guests are making your life impossible and treating you disrespectfully you can end the arrangement. The council will ask you to take others and hopefully they will be clean, considerate and a better match.

Ciri · 23/05/2023 09:10

Charlieiscool · 23/05/2023 08:27

There are some very supportive groups for hosts on Facebook and I recommend joining them. There are people crying out for hosts now and if your guests are making your life impossible and treating you disrespectfully you can end the arrangement. The council will ask you to take others and hopefully they will be clean, considerate and a better match.

Although I suspect the vast majority of hosts would not take in a second family. It's really tough.

Charlieiscool · 23/05/2023 10:25

I agree ciri it’s so hard, particularly if they are work shy and there are children involved and they aren’t clean. Some of the hosts’ experiences are dreadful. I know I must sound bad saying this but I have read many reports where hosts started off so generously and full of kindness and have ended up traumatised and bitter. Many of the refugees here from Ukraine are economic migrants while many that genuinely need help haven’t been able to access it.

UltimateFoole · 23/05/2023 11:00

Sorry you are feeling put upon and perhaps burned out @Slickholly

It seems fairly standard for Ukrainians to leave their children alone at a young age - and it has caused problems for many hosts in my experience. (I've seen Ukrainians themselves posting about this often.) Perhaps they therefore don't think that you are doing 'childcare' for them when they go out? Because they would just leave the girls anyway whether you were there or not?

You don't have to go along with it. Tell them, NO.

From day 1, our guest left her child (age 8) roaming around our house while the mum was up in her room on her phone. With the door shut.

I felt like she just dumped the kid on me, but I don't think she saw it that way. Maybe because they had lived with grandparents in Ukraine and she didn't realise how much they were actually supporting her and the child. I don't know.

It was like I'd become mum to the mum, if you see what I mean. I found it hugely presumptuous.

There was very little personal interaction with the child. Days on end of phone time. Certainly no playing. Mum didn't know how to play.
😓 If that's the level of interaction expected while looking after children then it might seem like no imposition at all to leave them with others.

After one unfortunate incident where a neighbour's property was nearly badly damaged, I laid down the law that the children must be supervised at all times. We made a big thing of it. We had a family meeting with our guests. We spoke about it. We talked about our rules. We all learned how to say 'Stop it' in Ukrainian.

She did not then supervise her child.

The communication failed, in my opinion, because the mum did not know what on earth I was on about. Not the words, the concept of supervising children. She saw no need.

From that moment on that I never left the children unattended, for the safety of my own kids. I would not have my children shoved, pushed, bullied, missing out on treats because they got snatched away, following guest child out of sight in busy city streets etc, etc, etc.

It was exhausting.

It was exhausting work which could never be recognised by our guests. To them I was bonkers and overprotective and horribly strict. I was so f*ing glad when they left after 6 months. It took me the same time to recover from the strain of it all.

If your guests are not 'getting' your rules try making the rules very simple and clear:

One of you must be with your children at all times.

They may not understand it or like it but you can tell them that after being left with the playdate you need absolute clarity and no room for misunderstandings.

OP posts:
Xenia · 23/05/2023 14:33

Sounds wise - it seems to be a huge cultural difference, never for younger children potentially a breach of English law if they are too young to be left to their own devices. The point about the British being a bit too polite too and needing bluntly to say things to have them understood is a good point too.

Slickholly · 23/05/2023 20:30

Thank you all so much for your messages they are really helpful. I have written a letter and translated it as I find so much seems to get lost in translation. Being more direct and clearer is how I will be from now on and I will establish clear boundaries. It is hard and I don't think we will be able to host much past a year xx thank you for this thread such a help xx

Slickholly · 23/05/2023 20:46

I am way too British and way too polite. I really like our family but we thought we were hosting refugees but they are economic migrants and are getting more money and support from the government than our own people. Such a shame really xx

Newtothis1980 · 04/09/2023 23:41

My guest has spoken to other Ukrainians who have encouraged her to ask me to terminate their stay so they will be homeless and the council will need to put them in emergency accommodation and they will skip to the front of the queue for council housing. Apparently lots of her friends have social housing and their plans are to buy the properties under right to buy in a few years time. None have aspirations to return to Ukraine.

Asked me to lie to the council! so I would take the blame for refugees being homeless, instead of refugees making themselves homeless to exploit the system.

Shes now backtracking but it just makes me feel like we are being taken advantage of and for fools. She works part time to get a salary and benefits. Has disposable income which gives her a lifestyle way higher than so many people working full time. No attempt from what I can see to get a full time job and her daughter has no intention of working.

For nearly 6 months it’s been ok but true colours are coming out!

Charlieiscool · 05/09/2023 06:58

Some are being placed in B&Bs and other temporary housing that isn’t at all pleasant. They may not just be given social housing and they surely can’t buy their house if they are on benefits. I wouldn’t lie to the council either but I would be making them leave if they had this attitude. I’d explain that the hosting arrangement had broken down. It’s clear that very many of them are economic refugees as evidenced by their holidays back and forth to Ukraine.

Xenia · 05/09/2023 15:59

It may be time to stop the scheme entirely and make all of them go home really as much of ukraine is safe.

nationallampoons · 05/09/2023 16:23

My next door but one neighbour are Ukrainian refugees. We're all in HA housing.

They have a house on the western border and they've said it's safe. Also, I thought the men were ordered to stay and fight. I understand why the husband didn't though

I must admit, it's leaving a nasty taste in peoples mouths and the local gossips are on form that they've been housed when social housing is so few and far between. On my tenancy is states you're not allowed to own homes here or abroad.

They regularly return home too

Xenia · 05/09/2023 16:36

If they own a house and have lied saying they do not then they need to lose their housing immediately. The UK has the highest tax burden for 70% and we can hardly afford to house our own citizens so relatively rich home owners from Ukraine should not be lying and cheating our system.

Charlieiscool · 05/09/2023 18:03

If the husband is able bodied then as I understand it they must have got a fraudulent army exemption certificate (unless they have 3 children or are over 60) So yes it’s likely they wouldn’t hesitate to lie to be given a house here.

Emz6103 · 05/09/2023 23:07

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Kingfisher99 · 06/09/2023 02:26

So sorry to read that people on here had bad experiences, but it's worth putting things in context: the UK received only 4percent of people fleeing Ukraine, around 200 thousand received the visas (of which many have returned to Ukraine). Yes, it's frustrating with the cost of living crisis especially with evidence of abuse by some individuals, but they are a minority.

WTF475878237NC · 06/09/2023 02:53

Our guests are still receiving benefits here having moved to a third country. The temporary accommodation offered was so awful they decided it best to try somewhere else, close to the border in preparation for hopefully returning to the Ukraine one day. It was awful and I would have hated to have lived in it with my children. But I did, as suggested here, tell the adults long in advance they needed to be working full time to enable them to benefit from our council's private rental guarantee system. One never attempted work at all and essentially has never worked, which isn't what they said when we were matched through a charity. The other worked very part time even when I secured funded nursery for the children.

Whilst our day to day involvement has ended and they are by no means set up, I still have this nagging feeling about it all. I'm glad I did it because I couldn't not try to help people whose lives were turned upside down like that. It was easier than I'd expected in some ways and so much harder in others. But that's life!

It's taken me a while to recover from it all too.

flyingsaucersandjellybeans · 06/09/2023 03:05

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This is way too far, disgusting comment

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 06/09/2023 08:07

I think blaming Ukrainian refugees for the housing shortage and NHS waiting lists is just so far down the road of stupid and ignorant that it’s not worth taking any notice of.

DesdamonasHandkerchief · 06/09/2023 08:50

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It's to be hoped your kids never find themselves fleeing war and come against people like you.
Not every Ukrainian is an angel - no nation is perfect, but that doesn't mean you tar everyone with the same brush.

VenusClapTrap · 06/09/2023 11:51

To balance some of these recent comments I just want to reiterate that ‘my’ Ukrainians are lovely, hard working, respectful and kind people. They moved out and into private rental accommodation (that was a battle Royal with the Lettings agents 🙄) back in February and are working all hours god sends to pay the preposterous rent on their tiny cottage and put food on the table. They refused all charity and benefits from the word go. They still appear on my doorstep with beautiful cakes that they’ve made for every one of my family birthdays.

They would love to go home but it isn’t safe.

Xenia · 06/09/2023 16:23

It is certainly a mixed picture of different experiences.

DesdamonasHandkerchief · 07/09/2023 17:03

Xenia · 05/09/2023 15:59

It may be time to stop the scheme entirely and make all of them go home really as much of ukraine is safe.

It's really not, if anything it's getting more unpredictable as Russia begins to target previously 'safe' areas like Odessa. The map below only details attacks where Russia killed 10 or more people:

Support thread for those hosting Ukrainian refugees.
TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 08/09/2023 11:06

DesdamonasHandkerchief · 07/09/2023 17:03

It's really not, if anything it's getting more unpredictable as Russia begins to target previously 'safe' areas like Odessa. The map below only details attacks where Russia killed 10 or more people:

25 people critically injured in Sumy just now. It’s really not safe and it’s worrying that there is so much ignorance in the UK about the war now that people think it is.

RedToothBrush · 09/09/2023 10:32

Sumy is in Eastern Ukraine. Its close to the Russian border.

Its a bit different to close to the Polish border, which is where many Ukrainians I've met have come from.

Even now, whilst I wouldn't say anywhere was safe, there is still a difference between Sumy which is close to the border, Odesa which is of economic importance to Ukraine (as its the only major port they have and crucial to international grain exports) and Lviv and its region which still has only had a relatively small number of missiles due to its location being so far from Russia and from Crimea.

If you've come from the nearest small town to the Polish border, I think theres a certain level of difference. Especially if you sit down and speak to them about why the decided to come to the UK. I know that a number of hosts have been in exactly this situation and have got to know their guests. This has been hard for some hosts to process, because in a number of cases there is a very fine line between being a refugee and taking an opportunity to be an economic migrant. Equally I know of others who have come from Sumy, what their story is (how they were trapped in the city for several weeks were waiting for a green corridor and had visa issues) and its a world apart.

This isn't being ignorant. This is being very aware of what is happening and of actual geography.

I think its patronising to say that everyone is 'ignorant' on this. Many are ignorant but not everyone. Others are much more aware of how it is deeply complex and how (and why) the system gives the benefit of the doubt but this also creates problems and tensions - particularly in places where there are many people who are hard up financially themselves.

I know that this is becoming an increasing issue in Poland - who will be most aware of people going in and out of Ukraine at will for holidays.

This needs to be talked about,because its only going to get worse. If we aren't honest about it, then its just going to be an issue hijacked by the far right who will make political gain from it (which will almost certainly play to Russia's favour too).

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 09/09/2023 10:40

I was responding to Xenia’s ‘It may be time to stop the scheme entirely and make all of them go home really.’
I don’t know why you took it as being aimed at you but whatever.