To think the encouragement to delay real life is a big cause in the explosion of mental health issues in under 35's ?

[rudolphrainbownose]

Okay, so there is a well documented mental health crisis amongst young people , particularly university students, needing mental health support.

Is it just me or is the current culture of delaying "real adulthood" ( staying at school longer, young marriage/ pregnancy actively discouraged and frowned upon, uni unofficially taking the school leaving age to 23 for middle class young people, staying living at their parents well into their late 20's/ early 30's....)

To me it seems discouraging starting real adult life is fuelling this.

1. Young women are told not to expect "security" in relationships, they are almost told to expect being ghosted by a series of men "not wanting to put a label on it," and going on a series of disastrous online dates is better than settling down young. Look how much marriage amongst under 25's is frowned upon on Mumsnet.

But I don't see many aspects of the dating scene today, ("friends with benefits" being cool, sex often expected without commitment before or afterwards on the first couple of dates, having to actually spell out you don't want the guy you are dating online to continue dating others online, being ghosted and blocked for no reason, being particularly healthy for the mental health of young people). Yet this is sold to them as more empowering than settling down into a steady relationship at a relatively young age....

2. I'll expect to be flamed for this, but the active discouragement of having children in your 20's , probably robs a lot of women of a focus, ( because having your own family is often a nice focus), than drifting around without a purpose gives them. This also leads to probably more people experiencing the panic of miscarriage and infertility , ( risks increasing with age), into their 30's.

3. Active encouragement into University without thinking often leads to a horrendously mentally unhealthy lifestyle.

For those with a passion for the subject, or doing a vocational course that leads to a career, of course university should be supported.

But that is not the case for your average student. Your average student goes to uni because, broadly speaking, it's what their college or sixth form expects of anyone vaguely academic. They pick a subject with no fixed career that they are at best, vaguely interested in, ( managed to scrape a B in business studies A Level, hated it the least, so I'll do it at uni to delay working for three years).

They head to uni to study a subject they are not particularly interested in, ith no idea what it will lead to afterwards. Most, have at most, six hours a week contact time, ( often less post covid). They sleep in late, browse the internet and get smashed a few times a week, ( the majority of students I know do not work in term time). Rinse and repeat. And they wonder why living this not very appealing lifestyle leaves students at poor risk of mental health ? And many are encouraged to take on a masters in a subject they are not interested in, with no direct career, to delay entering the real world for another year. They live in a bubble with people of the same age and inexperience as them. Compare that to a 19 year old office juniour being up and about, learning about the world of work, going for after work drinks with colleagues of a variety of ages ?

And the housing crisis means they are still likely to be living at home, ( especially if they are single), until 30. Often treated like overgrown teenagers, still in the habit of explaining to their parents where they are going of an evening. My friend , ( male), was explaining to me that at 28 he was working himself up to staying the night at his new girlfriends as he was so embarrassed to explain where he was to his parents, ( because if he told them he wouldn't be home for dinner as he was staying at his girlfriend's , they'd realise he was having sex).

In short, is delaying marriage, babies, work , moving out and leaving education actually causing everyone to be directionless and unhappy ?

I completely agree with you tbh and you've perfectly worded something I've been thinking for a while

Thanks.
My friend and I were talking about this and realised the people from school who had settled down young, "apprenticships, marriage, kids, housing etc" were almost always more happy and chilled than those who were encouraged to do severeal HE courses etc and "find themselves," and not get bogged down into anything commited.

I think a lot of youngsters today spend too much time on social media and expect to live like they see ‘influencers’ live… and if they can’t they expect handouts and help because they think they have it too hard. A lot don’t want a proper job, to actually work and support themselves and a family is seen as too hard. Life is tough whatever age you are, expecting too much and doing little to achieve it is so ‘unfair’, I actually worry for the generation after them because their role models are so poor!

Poor women being unable to focus without a child 😒

Agree. The push to get 50% of young people to university has been hugely detrimental. I actually think everyone should start work at 18 and then there should be a facility for people to take time out to go to uni in their early twenties. There would of course be exceptions to this for courses like medicine etc which are vocational and have an extended length.

Have thought this too for many years. In a former life as a long serving secondary school teacher I used to think this watching kids going to uni to do some courses which will put them into debt for, in most cases, little return for them.

This is an interesting question. I think the monetisation of almost every aspect of life definitely feeds into the stress for young people. Also the impossibility for so many, of all ages, of getting a settled bought home or affording private rents, makes making committed relationship choices that in the past would have been less consequential feel a lot more pressured because of the costs and risks if it doesn’t work out.

I think the delay in working, being shunted to uni when maybe you don't want that, delays in personal responsibility, are big issues. But I am not sure they contribute to mental health crises and I certainly don't see having families later as a problem.

Waiting for you to get flamed but honestly I agree with most of what you've written. It's like young women are being conditioned to accept shitty, non-committal relationships as standard in their 20s. I know this is how I felt and it really did a number on my mental health at that juncture in my life (since married and settled with a DC in my late 30s). This is not the freedom it is sold as.

but the active discouragement of having children in your 20's , probably robs a lot of women of a focus, ( because having your own family is often a nice focus), than drifting around without a purpose gives them.

Yeah, the opposite of having children in your 20s is drifting around without a purpose 🙄

but the active discouragement of having children in your 20's , probably robs a lot of women of a focus, ( because having your own family is often a nice focus

What a good job all those clever men manage without children as a focus and its only the poor little women drifting around without one

I agree with you by and large. I have had older relatives say to me that they didn't overanalyss and worry so much as they had less choice. That said many women suffered silently with their lack of choice as did men.

I think choice is hugely positive but guidance and support and discipline are so so vital.

God no! The people I know who settled down young, never left their town and stayed with their first boyfriend have such small, dull lives. Yes they are often still with the same guy, but they are treated like shit by him, but dont know any better as its all they've known. They arent still together becasue they are happy, they genuinely dont know how to be an adult on their own.

It's my belief that constant internet access, social media and a lack of real social interaction is causing the mental health problems in young people. I'm 34, I've worked since I was 16, worked part time/holidays when I was at uni and the vast majority of my friends at uni were the same. Uni was the absolute making of me, I made friends with lots of different people, experienced different things and although I didn't know what I wanted to do when I left, I've built a great career, bought my own house, enjoy my hobbies. I've been going out with my boyfriend for a year and it's going so well, he adds to my life, I don't rely on him or have to stay with him because I'm trapped with kids or don't know any better.

YABU given that mental health conditions are growing exponentially from even before puberty. And given the amount of porn and social media exposure via phones and the internet, I'd argue that today's teens are in some ways more and not less exposed to many things than they were a few decades back.

Young people are drinking less, doing fewer drugs and having less unprotected sex (and sex in general) than their parents did at the same age.

It's also not confined to the young - look at how much more in the way of mental health impact is being attributed to the menopause.

Maybe it's the constant connectivity, or better reporting, or both, but it's unlikely to be an extended youth period.

These all sound like first world problems to me.

If you want a serious relationship, don’t date fuckboys. If you want to move out of your parents’ house before 30, get a better paid job and re-prioritise your spending. I think most people can change their lives if they put their mind to it. It’s the labelling of any discomfort/struggle or negative feeling as a MH problem that’s the most paralysing.

Also, I have never seen the negative attitude towards marriage at 25 on MN that you speak of. MN is very pro-marriage, I find.

Yabu. It's more to do with social media and young people now not being as resilient. Nothing to do with relationships, having children late or going to university. A single woman in her twenties can be having the best time of her life, whereas if she settles down young with the wrong man and gets pregnant it can ruin her life.

Well no, actually. I think drifting around without a focus has had just as big an impact on young male mental health.
It's not about having children per se. But it's about the encouragement of essentially spending your 20's waiting for life to start.

It applies to men as well

I kind of agree. I think the problem is the economy rather than uni per se.

I spent my twenties with low level anxiety that I’d never get a house, that I’d be fired, that I’d have to move home.

Honestly, as soon as I bought my own house it was like a weight had been lifted. I also feel much more comfortable in my career that I have nearly 10 years experience.

I do also agree though that the choice of what to do with life can be overwhelming. Choosing a degree, choosing a partner, deciding whether to have kids. I think in the past in some ways it was easier to just crack on!

Absolutely love this and can relate to every word! 🙌

I am 30, married - and I have sufficient focus in my life specifically because I don’t have kids.
Although I do agree that going to uni for the sake of it, nowadays, needs to be considered given the cost.

Quite. A baby gives her something to focus on other than herself

I agree with some of the OP.

I’m 35 and I know that I, and many friends, have felt we have been chasing the ideal of ‘having it all’ - career, financial independence, and not being attached to a man and/or children in our 20s. ‘Having it all’ is a lie and a toxic myth to sell to bright young women in my mind. You can only have it all with adequate support.

Not sure if the perceived increase in mental health issues is a result of the points stated in the OP however. As some friends and I were saying recently - our mothers, grandmothers, great-grandmothers we’re all probably as mad/depressed/hysterical/anxious as we all are sometimes, it just wasn’t discussed then.

I think your spot on OP.