To think the encouragement to delay real life is a big cause in the explosion of mental health issues in under 35's ?

[rudolphrainbownose]

Okay, so there is a well documented mental health crisis amongst young people , particularly university students, needing mental health support.

Is it just me or is the current culture of delaying "real adulthood" ( staying at school longer, young marriage/ pregnancy actively discouraged and frowned upon, uni unofficially taking the school leaving age to 23 for middle class young people, staying living at their parents well into their late 20's/ early 30's....)

To me it seems discouraging starting real adult life is fuelling this.

1. Young women are told not to expect "security" in relationships, they are almost told to expect being ghosted by a series of men "not wanting to put a label on it," and going on a series of disastrous online dates is better than settling down young. Look how much marriage amongst under 25's is frowned upon on Mumsnet.

But I don't see many aspects of the dating scene today, ("friends with benefits" being cool, sex often expected without commitment before or afterwards on the first couple of dates, having to actually spell out you don't want the guy you are dating online to continue dating others online, being ghosted and blocked for no reason, being particularly healthy for the mental health of young people). Yet this is sold to them as more empowering than settling down into a steady relationship at a relatively young age....

2. I'll expect to be flamed for this, but the active discouragement of having children in your 20's , probably robs a lot of women of a focus, ( because having your own family is often a nice focus), than drifting around without a purpose gives them. This also leads to probably more people experiencing the panic of miscarriage and infertility , ( risks increasing with age), into their 30's.

3. Active encouragement into University without thinking often leads to a horrendously mentally unhealthy lifestyle.

For those with a passion for the subject, or doing a vocational course that leads to a career, of course university should be supported.

But that is not the case for your average student. Your average student goes to uni because, broadly speaking, it's what their college or sixth form expects of anyone vaguely academic. They pick a subject with no fixed career that they are at best, vaguely interested in, ( managed to scrape a B in business studies A Level, hated it the least, so I'll do it at uni to delay working for three years).

They head to uni to study a subject they are not particularly interested in, ith no idea what it will lead to afterwards. Most, have at most, six hours a week contact time, ( often less post covid). They sleep in late, browse the internet and get smashed a few times a week, ( the majority of students I know do not work in term time). Rinse and repeat. And they wonder why living this not very appealing lifestyle leaves students at poor risk of mental health ? And many are encouraged to take on a masters in a subject they are not interested in, with no direct career, to delay entering the real world for another year. They live in a bubble with people of the same age and inexperience as them. Compare that to a 19 year old office juniour being up and about, learning about the world of work, going for after work drinks with colleagues of a variety of ages ?

And the housing crisis means they are still likely to be living at home, ( especially if they are single), until 30. Often treated like overgrown teenagers, still in the habit of explaining to their parents where they are going of an evening. My friend , ( male), was explaining to me that at 28 he was working himself up to staying the night at his new girlfriends as he was so embarrassed to explain where he was to his parents, ( because if he told them he wouldn't be home for dinner as he was staying at his girlfriend's , they'd realise he was having sex).

In short, is delaying marriage, babies, work , moving out and leaving education actually causing everyone to be directionless and unhappy ?

Yabu and a bit of a fanny imo.

Young people in the UK are experiencing high rates of mental distress because they're embarking on working life tens of thousands in debt in a country with no functioning health system, poor infrastructure, diabolical productivity and unaffordable housing and getting taxed up the arse for all the poor political decisions that made it that way. After spending two years locked up with little to no education.

Yes! It’s painted as being ‘fun loving and free’ but the reality is they’re being used for no-strings sex by a handful of men who will then move on to younger women when they turn 30-35. And what’s more, it’s drilled into women that’s it’s good for them! I mean who needs the patriarchy when we have feminists who think providing commitment free sex to men is empowering us!

I agree OP. Also remember housing - we're in house shares til we're 30 and so many of us will never be able to buy, so put off having babies until our housing is secure which for most of us it never will be.

I chose to have my babies young, straight out of uni, and planned to build my life around my family. I work HARD and spend every spare second with my kids, social life is shot and I don't mind.

10 years on, I see no greater happiness in those who waited 20 years longer.
But also, they have the benefit of the lack of money and housing worries that I spent my kids early years getting in order.

@DilemmaADay goodness, I didn’t mean for it to for one second. Having a carefree 20s is lots of people’s preference for many reasons. You can bet lots of people under 30 would shudder at the thought of settling down, and rightly so. There is lots of the world to see and lots of things to experience, hence why each to their own is exactly what I said. I can see both sides to it but think the OP raises an interesting perspective all the same.

I agree completely with @Fairislefandango

"Totally disagree. I'm 51. Pretty much everyone I know took that route - university, career, paired up in late 20s, had kids in early to mid 30s. All seem to have done fine. I wouldn't have been ready to have kids in my 20s! ".

But what if the women are happy to have commitment free sex ? I would never give commitment free sex to a man who I wanted a relationship with but he didn’t , casual partners where I don’t want anything more then absolutely. Why is sex always seen as some chore or bargaining tool for women ? Can we also not just enjoy it for the sex itself ?

You can bet lots of people under 30 would shudder at the thought of settling down, and rightly so.

If it’s that awful why do it at all? Why are they then suddenly so desperate to settle down a mere 5-7 years later? I can’t imagine they’ve seen the whole world in that time?

I’m sure an 18 yrs old gives a shit about Uk’s infrastructure. He will however get depressed when he/she is not able to have the same lifestyle as i don’t know what instagramer. Social media is the biggest problem when it comes to youngsters mh issues

I don't agree with the OP, based on what I see in my DC's age group (end of teens/early 20s). I find what you say about children giving you focus really disturbing, actually. And I do agree with @calmandcaffinated and this all being much more about the state of the world and the horror of unrelenting capitalism/ consumerism. There is a real existential anxiety for young people which my generation never even dreamed of, and I don't agree with the arguments you make at all.

I'd say that the prime reason is ultimately the things getting economically that much harder.

I'm 45 and I'd say a lot of my peers (myself included) were discouraged from 'settling down too young' and to go to uni, and that 'men don't want commitment' and so on.

Waiting until your 30s to 'settle down' is not a bad thing in itself. Not being able to afford to 'settle down' until nearly your 40s is an issue and people look ahead and see that coming. Or they don't, and realise too later.

My dad was able (on only his salary, admittedly a good one at the time) to buy a large, detached house for the family in his early 30s, from a slightly smaller semi-detached my parents had lived in since their early 20s. That detached house cost about x1.3 his salary. DH and I had the advantage of some inheritance and that we had two properties to sell, to buy a terraced house at x8 our combined salaries, when I was in my late 30s and he was 40. And we're the lucky top %. An awful lot of under 35s are looking at chucking a significant chunk of their income at rentals and/or only achieving some financial security when their parents die. That's not gonna be good for your mental health.

I agree with most of your post OP.

But women without children are not directionless. But if you mean without a level of personal responsibility, structure and goals (all of which come with children but also from many other things including working, the better volunteer programs, saving for property, even saving for driving lessons and a car when very young) then I agree. I spent years interviewing too many directionless, broke graduates!

They have ‘existential angst’ because they have too much time on their hands to navel gaze and get depressed about things. We’ve gone overboard now with too much introspection and it’s actually harmful.

Because everyone else is ? You see your friendship group settle down and suddenly your socialising is severely limited and you spend entire weekends alone with no plans so it seems a decent option . It’s expensive living alone ? Would they still make that choice if those things weren’t The case ?

maybe they want kids ?

I've never had children and also never had a problem "focusing" on my life goals. Quite the opposite.

Increased competition for ever-dwindling resources planetwide, because of unfettered human reproduction, is probably a far greater contributor to mental health issues in 2022.

And there's really zero evidence that there are more mental health issues these days. Just that they probably were under-recognized and under-reported in previous eras.

Personally I think there is too much navel-gazing and self-diagnosing, professional victimhood going on now.

Agree with this.

feminists who think providing commitment free sex to men is empowering us!

I didn't provide commitment free sex, I enjoyed commitment free sex.

@happyfeet5 That's a completely fair point. I do think a big element is luck as well (finding the right partner, being able to afford setting down at a younger age). It's a really tough situation, which isn't helped by the current cost of living crisis, making many people want to opt out of adulthood for another few years (if I was 10 years younger I'd probably do the same)

it’s expensive living alone so have kids with £1000pm nursery fees to escape it?! Lol

Surely if they’ve spent 15+ years being strong and independent and ‘getting to know themselves’ they wouldn’t be dragged into settling down just ‘because everyone else is’?

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Hard to know where to start.

Studying medicine = delaying real life compared with having a baby at 18.

People who don’t have children aren’t living ‘real life’.

Study and travel are nonsense pursuits unrelated to real life.

Maybe the stupidest bit of all: imagining that there’s such a thing as ‘real’ and ‘’non-real’ life experiences.

Agree and disagree.

I went to uni but worked throughout and did voluntary work also. Guidance, focus and discipline - but that's because I had parents who supported me and nurtured but didn't mollycoddle.

I don't agree re women needing to have kids young but I do agree young people get too many rights and not enough responsibilities/expectations of the real world.

Also, social media is great but it's benefits can't outweigh the harm it causes now to younger and younger children

Having kids in my 20s and being a SAHM totally fucked me over.

I didn’t go to Uni because I couldn’t be arsed and all my friends were going to shit Unis to do subjects like Media Studies, which seemed pointless (spoiler - it was).

Every woman in my family has no education past GCSEs and is a SAHM. But of course their husbands didn’t leave for OW like mine did/they are miserable but can’t leave for financial reasons/don’t want to put their baybeeez in wrap around care and work/etc.

Doing an Access course and a STEM degree in my 30s as a lone parent is the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever done, and my first year ended with Lockdown 1, which meant I had to drop to part time for Y2, adding an extra year.

DD2s MH plummeted during this, subsequently Dx with ASD/ADHD (unsurprised, I’m Dx both myself and had been fighting for years to get her seem) which means I’m still part time for my final year.

3 year degree is going to take 5 years.

I’m in significantly more debt than my friends are.

Like fuck will I encourage my three daughters to take the same path as me.

Yeah.. no.

Introspection isn't the issue. I'd argue that it's the external information causing the problem - news, social media, living constantly plugged in.

Pressure on young people these days is insane. You can work a full time job yet only afford a flatshare. The alternative? Settle down and get married instead.

The alternative isn't better - divorce rates in previous generations show that. The fact that so many women didn't divorce abusive husbands either makes it even worse.

Were living in a capitalist, consumerist hell and basic things like having a family or owning a home have become very out of reach. We're ruining the planet for the benefit of the wealthy, greedy narcissists and we are so stuck on the hamster wheel that the village it takes is no longer there.

Total lack of community. Blaming introspection or the individual for thinking too much is silly when there's a whole system setting us up for failure.

I'm really curious what rights and responsibilities you have in mind?

I agree on the whole except for the kids bit

Men. Definitely yes. Relationships are ridiculous now

Work. Conditions get worse every year. Something needs to change

Uni. Not for everyone. Less need to go. More decent apprenticeships needed. Cost too
Much for rewards in May cases

House prices unaffordable. This seems to be changing now. Prob not enough to really help though.

Social
Media. Most definitely a factor