grown adult scared to tell parents things

[25anxi]

is this normal? i’m 25, 2 kids, mortgage, married, own my own car, etc etc but anytime i make a life choice or purchase etc i feel so anxious to tell my parents. e.g. bought a sofa last month and i was terrified of their reaction because they always respond with things like ‘how did you pay for it/what a stupid choice to take out finance’ etc

we’ve just rehomed a dog yesterday and i haven’t told them yet as i already know they will call me stupid and say waste of money and ‘don’t come crying to us when you have a vet bill’ etc even though i do not rely on them financially and myself and dh have jobs of our own

surely this isn’t normal. i feel like i can’t shake off the anxiety everytime i make a big change or purchase in life about telling them as i know they’ll call me stupid etc

I'm 57. Sometimes, if I am feeling a little off, I still feel this way about my APs.

DSis manages the feeling by not telling them anything, which is why they don't know that their only grandchild is having some quite harrowing mental health issues at the moment. She doesn't need to be told what she did wrong for the whole 30 years of his life.

Sometimes the early training they put into you kicks in and makes you feel silly. Learn to laugh at yourself every time you feel that way. It helps you out it into perspective.

Enjoy the furniture, enjoy the dog 😊

No this isnt normal. Unless you have loads of debts or been irresponsible with money before. Do you stand up for yourself when they criticise your spending?

I feel the same with my parents. They have a negative opinion on everything. It's them not you, so yanbu.

It’s not normal but then neither is your relationship with them.
They are controlling and you need to set boundaries

Ours is controlling. Nosey. How does sibling afford holidays. I feel boundaries need to be tight now. Op tell them little. Im not sure why my mam does it.

It's normal when you have controlling parents.
Best not to tell them anything of note. The weather is a good conversation topic :) Although my mother refused to believe it was raining where I lived, last week

i have no debts and not really irresponsible with money - i guess they may still think i am irresponsible as i went from working in a bar and solo travelling/living with parents and spending whatever i wanted whenever to meeting someone and settling down in a very short amount of time? so don’t know if they just still see me as younger and more frivolous with money but realistically i have no debt apart from student loan and my monthly outgoings are fine etc

i do stand up for myself yeah but it’s still the same every single time

I am 59 and the years of control and abuse I had at the hands of my mum mean I still don't tell her things for fear of her reaction. I know that she will judge and bitch about my life, why would I want to share things with her. It's not normal no but it does happen.

I used to put off telling my parents things too. I guess they still saw me as a child where my actions would affect them. They weren't excessive in their reactions just happy to express their opinion. 🙄 I don't think it's that uncommon. Although, if they're nasty or belittling, then that's a bit different.

I used to have a poster saying, I don't care what the world knows about me... as long as my mother doesn't find out. My mum is 87 with dementia and I still think she doesn't need know. 🤭

Yep! I try to avoid telling my DF anything as it’d always get a negative reaction. Obviously some things are difficult to hide (pregnancy, house move, etc)...

Another one with controlling parents here @25anxi 🙋🏻‍♀️

Just don’t tell them anything 🤷🏻‍♀️ Why do you need to tell them? I don’t volunteer any information to mine. When they come round to my house and inevitably ask about things then I’ll happily answer “where did you get that?” type Qs but I refuse to discuss money as the hassle I get isn’t worth it. I stick with the same answer every time - “when its your money then you can have an opinion” 🤷🏻‍♀️

We’ve just recently bought a new house a few months ago and I know my DM will be checking Rightmove daily for the “sold prices” in the area updating to see what we bought it for 🤣

How belittling. Sounds a lot like emotional abuse that has extended into adulthood. Keep them at arm’s length and get on with your life.

This is good advice.

Also try “I don’t remember” and “oh, DH picked that up, I have no idea” for questions on how much things cost.

I believe its pretty common if you grew up with always being told what you'd done wrong, not praised, belittled, and punished for admitting something wrong (even if an accident). For example accidentally breaking a cup when I grew up - hide it, get found out, shouted at and smacked. Admit it, get shouted at and smacked. Couldn't win, so I've always hidden anything I can to attempt to avoid being made to feel small and like rubbish. This is why a lot of modern child psychologists say that being a safe person, encouraging your kids to come to you with problems and then supporting rather than berating, helps them learn they can always come to you (even if you calmly discuss why something may have been a wrong/poor decision). Yell at kids for coming to you...and they'll stop coming to you.

Controlling parents here too! I walked away when I met dh and they started on him.

You dont need to tell them anything. My DN tells me stuff and I'm always positive. I dont need to have an opinion on others lives.

Same here. They never say anything directly to me but I know they judge any large purchases or life choices because they judge DB, aunts, cousins etc for theirs. They are extremely frugal and cannot conceive of a reason why anyone else might not be.
It's easy for others to tell you not to care but if you've been raised to seek approval from parents it's hard not to, even as an adult.

Yep, my mother was the same. Any decision was met with “Well that was a stupid thing to do.” Followed by “What you should have done was…” Told I was “ridiculous” for any decision such as having a second child to buying a new car. To hear her talk you’d think I was some feckless layabout, frittering my money away on trinkets.

Just don't tell them things/ scale back what you tell them about your life. If you know they will react negatively then why bother?

Will they see the sofa/dog? My parents could be a bit like yours, I eventually became quite aggressive back, telling them it’s none of their business, their opinion does not impact on my decisions. You sound like me, OP, still desperate for their approval. Were they controlling/abusive during your childhood?

Agree dont engage. She ask my sister about hols. She said its her own money. We adults. I dont tell mum much now as learnt the hard way

I smoked until my mid 30s, my parents never knew

when they make these comments:

In their house: “If you’re going to be rude, I’m leaving now”

In your house: “If you’re going to be rude, then go home now”

they clearly have no intention of stopping these comments so I think you need to be a bit more fierce about pulling them up on it.

Yes, I do. My mum still berates and even hits me in front of others. No MH/dementia in play. I am 48.

I agree with others. Cut all but the most essential communications - that way you aren't feeding them ammunition to be used against you. You might find it helpful to have a look at the "Stately Homes" thread on here for people with toxic family members (so named because a creator's parents justified their upbringing filled with abuse and pain by saying they had a good childhood because they were taken to National Trust places). Link to the latest thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4660201-november-2022-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?page=1

It's a safe haven of friendly, wise and experienced advice and solidarity.

Every good wish to you. I hope you have lots of happy times with your new dog. x

These two videos are invaluable in understanding what an abusive childhood (not necessarily physical, just not supportive) can do to our core beliefs;