grown adult scared to tell parents things

[25anxi]

is this normal? i’m 25, 2 kids, mortgage, married, own my own car, etc etc but anytime i make a life choice or purchase etc i feel so anxious to tell my parents. e.g. bought a sofa last month and i was terrified of their reaction because they always respond with things like ‘how did you pay for it/what a stupid choice to take out finance’ etc

we’ve just rehomed a dog yesterday and i haven’t told them yet as i already know they will call me stupid and say waste of money and ‘don’t come crying to us when you have a vet bill’ etc even though i do not rely on them financially and myself and dh have jobs of our own

surely this isn’t normal. i feel like i can’t shake off the anxiety everytime i make a big change or purchase in life about telling them as i know they’ll call me stupid etc

Arms length is your friend, you need to manouvre them to a distance where what they'll think is no longer the first thing that pops in to your head when you make a decision. Tell them what they need to know and no more, talk about the weather, nod and smile. You're an adult now, even though they are your parents, and you can meet them in the middle.

Yep I feel like this. Usually because DM will instantly start panicking about things that could go wrong with whatever I've decided to do, will try and talk me out of it or make it about her and how if I do X she'll have to worry about me/pick up the pieces when it goes wrong. Or shes just negative and shits all over everything I choose to do and things I'm excited about. She is very controlling and can't see why anyone would want to do anything that she wouldn't choose to do herself.

Yes I do this. I don’t talk in detail about my life and let them prattle on about things they like. Keeping it pleasant but not deep is key!

The irony is that my mum moans that we never tell her anything!

I know I can't, but I would love to see a picture of your lovely new dog on your new settee.

No it's not normal unless you have a history of being irresponsible with money. You are very young to have a mortgage etc - have they helped you out much, do you owe them money/feel obliged to them? Just wondering as my parents are conservative with money but trusted that I was sensible too (I am)

Well no need to hand them ammunition. Don't bring up a sofa, downplay it when they do. Same with the dog "yes we got a dog" . End of conversation.

If they are genuinely nice and generally supportive them I'd ignore the money-worry criticism. It's about them, not you.

@Crispynoodle - I didn't tell my mum I was pregnant with DC number 4 until I was 5 months I was 32!

I'm an only child. Same as a pp; my mother doesn't deal well with with me doing anything different to her.

The eye-rolling i got from her when i announced my pregnancy with DC2 😳

They almost fell out of the back of her head when i announced the conception of DC3 !! 😂Her exact words were ''Another one?!'' in a voice as if i'd got about 15 kids or something.

Bare in mind that although i was in my 20s i was married, mortgaged and doing fine financially. I mean ... where's the love? I wouldn't dream of treating or speaking to my own daughters (now in their 20s) like that.

Every time they start criticising get up and say 'I just realized I need to go now', say your goodbyes and leave. It creates a boundary for yourself that makes it clear you don't accept such criticism. No matter how
Inconvenient it is just leave every single time. Be matter of fact, Don't explain what you are doing orbut i know this has worked at least once to stop unwanted patterns of behavior.

God, this thread is a tonic! I have found my people! I still can’t buy clothing full price without feeling the guilt as it was always - sale rail first, look for a bargain, no point paying full price. At times, this was probably down to finances but not always.

I still remember buying a lovely pair of ballet flats when I was expecting DC1. They were £80. When I told DM, she went nuclear about what a waste of money they were. £80?!? On a pair of shoes?!? DC1 is now off at secondary school and I’ve just got rid of them. Pretty good value for money I’d say. But the temerity to criticize and carp on when it was my money, I was living in London in flat we’d bought and have never asked DM for financial help or got into debt!

On the other side of the family we have FIL. The most anxious man you could ever possibly meet. It’s crazy. When we bought said flat, he was going out of his mind with worry about what we’d do if interest rates rose. Well - worst case, sell?! He stresses about is driving, when we’ve been driving 25 years each now and HIS driving leaves a lot to be desired (38mph in 30/40/50/60 zones anyone?). Constantly worries about what others think. Has a bee in his bonnet that someone will start parking on our driveway and sent us the wording we should use for a sign (that will never ever be made!) to warn potential drive stealers off. It is, as others say, exhausting.

Mine aren't critical but I still don't tell DM anything as she has no boundaries. As a teen she'd tell her sister and friends anything I told her in confidence and did the same with DD's SEN diagnosis. Now I have the exhausting filter of 'Do I also want X, Y and Z to know this?' before I open my mouth! Weather and garden it is!

I’m 52 and a bit like this with my dm. No idea if it’s ‘normal’. I tend to wait until something is a ‘done deal’ before telling her (e.g. holiday, signed up for a course) so that she can’t get involved in the decision making process.

Same. I'm 48 and was thinking yesterday how I can't tell my mum that DS has done badly in his mocks - as he put no effort into revision whatsoever.
She will just tell him it doesn't matter and he can do something else after school or retake it all. She's living in some weird 1970's education system in her head.

I feel you. I'm 50 and still get judgement from my parents. I used to be terrible with money. I still love spending but I do two jobs to be able to fritter and I have significant savings. Yet if I mention a purchase I still get 'told off'

TBH I sometimes worried about stuff like this when I was younger - and maybe still do to an extent. However, there came a point where I had to make a decision and be firm about it and I ended up saying straight up: "you're going to disapprove but I am going to do this anyway" or "thank you for the comment, but this is my life and I will do whatever I think best". I repeated it often enough and firmly enough that eventually it sank in. But I also having otherwise very loving parents, it's just my Dad that can be a bit judgemental about things. However, he still prioritises our relationship over the judgement so if I stand firm, he shuts up

However, your pregnancy update is something else. I would have gone absolutely spare at anyone who did that. That is fight worth having, I think.

I am doing a big house renovation at the moment. My dad tells me everything I order is wrong! It’s exhausting. The radiators are the wrong type, the bath is the wrong size, the flooring is the wrong type, the shower tray won’t fit. He is obsessed about bathroom paint - he gets very exercised if I don’t use bathroom paint everywhere in my house!

if I discuss any of my plans he seems to think his job is to point out everything that could go wrong and come up with a different, better way of doing everything. His ideas are usually bonkers and it’s hard not to snap.

I have learned to dread the sentence that starts ‘would it not be better if ….’.

YANBU, I accept I'm their child but sometimes I'm made to feel like an actual child and it makes me not tell them things.

It's not just parents, either. A relative made v patronising remarks about us but wouldn't talk to us when we announced our engagement. From a jealous place in this instance. I can forgive it but there's no need for it!

My DM is like this, very negative and critical, which is her way of covering up anxiety. She maintains that any opinion or action that differs from her own is WRONG and is becoming more inflexible with time, unfortunately. I refuse to listen to her political rants. My dad is quite easy going and just tunes her out, I think. It doesn’t really affect my life choices because I do my own thing regardless but it is exhausting.

Always negativity when we announce holidays. Too hot airport delays etc she would not be happy for you. So I dont tell her much now. Its draining at times

No it's not normal and a real sign of an unhealthy relationship.

Stop telling them anything.

Google grey rock and medium chill as a method to practice on how you engage with them.

Give some thought as the modelling you want for your children as they grow up.

Do you want them to see you spoken down to and undermined as they grow?

If not, deal with it now with the responses suggested by posters.

I repeat, your response to your parents is not normal at all.

I was the same for years!

It's what happens when you have controlling and critical parents.

I'm 40 next year and I now do what I want when I want.

Parental approval is not needed. So liberating.

How about just casually slipping the dog and sofa in to conversation and when they start their nonsense just say actually you're not worried and you're really happy with YOUR decision? Break the news over the phone and if they keep spouting off, make your excuses and end the call. Butt in with "got to go!" as they're spitting their venom.

You are your own person, they don't get to treat you like this.

Do what you want and don't feel obliged you need to tell them. My parents know very little about my life, as I chose not to get them involved. Otherwise my mum would keep moaning, worrying, complaining etc. and I don't want to listen to it. We are planning to start building the house in the next 3-4 years and they won't know until it's ready. No one will know, except me and my husband.

Yeah, I'd say tell them the minimum. When they're negative may be worth saying 'I don't like it when you react negatively like this, please respect our ability to manage our own finances'

Jesus, I thought I was the only one who did this. Fear I may have dug myself into a hole with it as well and grey rock may be hard to achieve. My mother is ridiculous. Just thinking of the chickens bum look she gives before she decides to fly off the handle at a decision I’ve made, makes me feel stressed. I’m an only child as well so hard to deflect the attention.

No it not normal. Your parents sound awful and I think you've had a lot of this negativity in your youth. They still think of you as that little girl they can criticise. Take a stand. Be prepared to come back annoyed if they comment on the dog. So... glare, say we have taken that into account, I don't need your negative comments! Glare some more! They will eventually get the message you're not a little girl easily intimidated by them. If it causes a big argument, good, just walk away from them. They seem to add little to your current life.

If I comment on how controlling and critical and patronising my parents can be my mum smiles patronisingly and tells me they still think of me as their little girl.

they don’t see it’s a failure I. Their parenting. To have conditioned me all these years that my judgement and instincts are wrong and I need them to tell me what to do.

I have a much more senior job than either of them ever had - yet they still advise me in work issues. I tell them very little! It’s sad really - I shut them out of so much of my life because they just shot over everything!