grown adult scared to tell parents things

[25anxi]

is this normal? i’m 25, 2 kids, mortgage, married, own my own car, etc etc but anytime i make a life choice or purchase etc i feel so anxious to tell my parents. e.g. bought a sofa last month and i was terrified of their reaction because they always respond with things like ‘how did you pay for it/what a stupid choice to take out finance’ etc

we’ve just rehomed a dog yesterday and i haven’t told them yet as i already know they will call me stupid and say waste of money and ‘don’t come crying to us when you have a vet bill’ etc even though i do not rely on them financially and myself and dh have jobs of our own

surely this isn’t normal. i feel like i can’t shake off the anxiety everytime i make a big change or purchase in life about telling them as i know they’ll call me stupid etc

My MIL is like this - my husband would never tell her anything until it was a fait accompli. my kids are still cautious about what and how to tell Grandma - she’s 95. It drives people away

Some parents are awful aren't they. And relationship with them is kind of addictive, like being married to abusive husband. My sister always tells parents stuff and then regrets it, because mum keeps reminding her that her husband has awful and low paid job, they don't cope etc. Yet somehow she can't stop telling her stuff, confessing about her problems etc. She cries, then rings again, and so the cycle continues. It's hard to go NC with parents when you don't feel like enough is enough, but it's best to just "divorce them". Contact only over important stuff, like someone in the family died.

My parents were the same, growing up at home from a teen to a twenties and then thirties person, they were always "look after the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves" and "spend a little save a little".

However their wise words have really helped me over the years. Mum is around still and is comfortably well off but she still says "how much?" when I tell her of some purchase I've bought and seems to think that me spending £20 on a present for her at Christmas is 'an extravagance'. I don't think she understands how much things have increased in price over the years.

Its thanks to their frugal ways that I've been more like them in terms of 'watching every penny' than friends who are anything between £5,000 to £25,000 in debt, but the other side of the coin is that there are no rich people in the graveyard and I sometimes resent the fact that I was never allowed to just 'have fun'.

No one here is criticising parents for teaching us to save as children, or to understand how to overpay a mortgage or shop around for a good deal.

we are talking about controlling parents who believe their adult children are not capable of making and decisions and criticise every little thing.

it’s relentless. This is a special type of negativity and control. My dad stopped speaking to me for a month in my twenties because I bought a TV and without talking it through with him. I had just bought my first house, had a job, a car and was financially comfortable. I needed a TV. That is how he has conditioned me to always seek his approval.

I understand and sympathise. My parents (but mostly my mother) are controlling, negative and critical. I'm 36, married, with a job, mortgage and children, and overall a perfectly sensible person, but still can't make even the tiniest decision without worrying about what they may think. New clothes for my children, what presents we buy them for Christmas, where we go on holiday. I worry about everything and it's exhausting. They're very vocal in their opinion of how little they think of me and it's really upsetting at times. I would absolutely love a third child, but to be honest their reaction is the one thing that puts me off just going for it. When I fell pregnant at 29 with our (planned) first child, married and with a mortgage, my mother moaned for weeks at what a 'silly girl' I was for getting pregnant so young (!) and how we would never cope.

I didn't tell my mum I was pregnant with DC number 4 until I was 5 months I was 32!

We waited till as long as we thought we could with each one -second one was 6 months every single time one of them kicked off about something.

When I fell pregnant at 29 with our (planned) first child, married and with a mortgage, my mother moaned for weeks at what a 'silly girl' I was for getting pregnant so young (!) and how we would never cope.

I was 29 and DH was nearly 31 ad wed been married two years and had this from IL - less so my parents they had much more of an issue with our age gaps as we wouldn't cope - which we clearly did and there was no offered support or baby sitting in there no expectation of it either so literally no impact on their lives. MIL told everyone all our kids are unplanned despite them all being planned and us saying we wanted roughly those age gaps and number - because we didn't discuss TTC with them .

Problems with MIL and my parents I think it stems from their own difficult families all of them were two children families and other child was golden child - they can and do occasionally pull it back and then it slowly creep in again and a large dollop of not acknowledging we were grown ups. FIL just need to be in charge I think - but he's frequently delayed shit getting done in our house as DH often due to FIL knowledge defer to him and that has improved with time.

"I didn't tell my mum I was pregnant with DC number 4 until I was 5 months I was 32!" Are you my sister, lol? She never told my mum she was pregnant with any of her children until it was very obvious she was expecting. My mum used to be outraged at my BiL, she raged on to me along the lines of "what did he think he was, a farmyard Cockerel?" LOL.

Things got worse for me when DM & DF got divorced when I was about 13. I had relatives telling me I had to be good, not give DM any problems, that I had to take care of her. I became very "good" & also very scared about what would happen if I didn't obey or did something she didn't like. I was pushed , I lived under the fear DM would be "put away" - sectioned, I suppose. Now I look on it as relatives abdicating what they thought was their responsibilities onto a child - "Miss Marple can sit through the tears, rages, go to the solicitor with her DM cos then we don't have to". The police once came to a domestic incident & I remember a WPC telling me that I had to look after DM. Wtf, I was 13 years old taking on the emotional health of a DSis, DB & my mother.

As an aside, now I'm older (and a bit wiser) I wonder how much my DM's behaviour was responsible for break up of their marriage. I vividly remember her & quite nasty & scathing to him.

I sympathise OP. It’s very tiresome. My one piece of advice would be to nip it in the bud now, wherever it takes. Make it a priority for 2023. I wish I’d stood my ground as a young adult and established boundaries. It’s harder to do as time passes and habits become entrenched, and you don’t want to reach 45 years old with the same problem and massive resentment. My father is now deceased and my mother has advanced dementia and, terrible as this sounds, I feel free because they’re not opining/hectoring about everything.

My Mum has issue with the supposed amount of clothes that I buy. As a teenager I had 2 outfits and 1 pair of shoes as we were so poor.
Now I like to have lots of nice tops etc. My Mum sees it as frivolous. I have a professional job where I am in the public eye but she still thinks I should've in a couple of cheap outfits!!

@newlife2022 - the clothes! Yes! Every time I wear anything, I get DM asking if it’s new. It likely isn’t and if it is, it’s new to me from a charity shop. DMIL has started with this recently too and I call her out on it every time, saying ‘you’re as bad as my mum, I’ve had this 5 years!’ or whatever. Even if I did wear a brand new outfit every day of the year, what business is it of theirs?! There is a hidden implication from both that I’m frivolous and spendy. This could not be further from the truth! With MIL it’s very much implied that I’m wasting her son’s money, but as I’ve outearned him for a good while, she can do one!

My mum was fantastic and I miss her hugely now she has gone - but there were things I couldn't tell her because I didn't want her to be disappointed in me. She wouldn't have been angry or said anything nasty, but I know she would have been disappointed.

I've always had this problem with my dad. He explains its because he cares but he's so opinionated on everything, and very frugal with money. I'm nearly 40 now & things have definitely improved since my husband said to me, "what is the worst thing that could happen". It would be that my dad would stop speaking to me which would actually be a good thing!
Up until recently we have NEVER bought a house or car without his involvement. When we got a dog he moaned for weeks. We stopped at 2 children because I didn't want to deal with either of my parents reactions about it as it was bad enough with our second.

Ah yes "it's because we care". If they cared they would let you make your own decision.

OP - for me having children reinforced that I was right to adopt a grey rock approach. All that negativity they show to you? Do you want it shown to your children?

I think its a control thing. When my sister booked a break she said we not asking anyone to pay for it. So I tell very little now. My sister is the same

so reassuring to hear it’s not just me. honestly thought i was being stupid but it seems fairly common!

parents still don’t know about the dog, they keep saying they need to pick something up from my house and will pop over sometime this week so i’m just going to let them in and see what happens 😅 ridiculous how anxious it makes me though