grown adult scared to tell parents things

[25anxi]

is this normal? i’m 25, 2 kids, mortgage, married, own my own car, etc etc but anytime i make a life choice or purchase etc i feel so anxious to tell my parents. e.g. bought a sofa last month and i was terrified of their reaction because they always respond with things like ‘how did you pay for it/what a stupid choice to take out finance’ etc

we’ve just rehomed a dog yesterday and i haven’t told them yet as i already know they will call me stupid and say waste of money and ‘don’t come crying to us when you have a vet bill’ etc even though i do not rely on them financially and myself and dh have jobs of our own

surely this isn’t normal. i feel like i can’t shake off the anxiety everytime i make a big change or purchase in life about telling them as i know they’ll call me stupid etc

You're married with 2 kids - what did they say about your engagement/weddings/pregnancies?

Or is it just smaller/domestic stuff they are shitty about?

I empathise. I'm due to have an asd assessment soon and haven't told my parents because I cba with the 'don't be silly you can't be autistic' comments I know will come.

My parents are divorced. I can tell my mum whatever, she treats me like an adult who is perfectly capable of running my own life but my dad has a negative opinion on everything, I try not to tell him things now unless I have to but he's incredibly inquisitive always wants me to explain or justify my decisions, wants to know how much things cost. Its exhausting.

Well, why would you bother telling them you gave a new sofa? It is absolutely nothing to do with them. Just tell them the bare minimum, but if they do challenge you simply say "I am not going to discuss this any further". It's YOUR life and your parents have no right to get involved.

Your parents sound at the extreme end, but I think a lot of adults keep certain things from their aging parents. There's a fair bit of "what they don't know won't hurt them."

I remember being very, very nervous telling my mum that I'd quit my job! Did it via email in the end, as I was scared I'd get a right ear-bashing. But actually, when it came to it, she was completely supportive. Puzzled, but supportive.

I tell her little white lies all the time to save her worrying about stuff.

How dare they call you stupid for running your own life?
Who are they? The sofa police?
Do they have to sit on the sofa, or look at it every day? Do you have to keep the sofa for the next 20 years?
Do they expect you to pay to return it and demand a refund on the grounds that your parents think it's stupid?
Have they done an extensive investigation into the UK's sofa stock? Or worked as a sofa salesperson?

Tell them to stop name-calling for one thing. Each and Every time and turn it back on them. You are not stupid and you are building your life. If you make a few mistakes along the way, so what.

People who call everything you do stupid don't deserve to be confided in and squash the joy out of your life. Their comments imply that they are perfect. Well if they are, why did they raise a child they regard as useless... Slipped up there didn't they? Look at all the things you are doing at 25, holding down a job, 2 kids, mortgage, married, own my own car, etc be proud of yourself.
If they don't change, it's their loss. Sorry, you have to endure this OP.

Yeah they still treat me like a child. I'm getting a new pet soon and everyone is excited for me apart from my parents, they're not happy. I sent DM cute photos of my new addition and they were ignored 🙄 Then you get the lecture. And anytime I share anything about my life with her she uses it against me later. I need to learn to keep quiet.

Same here, only I'm free of it now and tell them exactly how I feel. My favourite was always

'You're living beyond your means' always in response to a purchase that they didn't understand or have any interest in. Another one here 'what have you got to be stressed/sad/down about?'

I'm 52 and scared to tell my mum stuff 🤣 to be fair she has got super judgey in her old age. Got new sofa and flooring recently but haven't told her as she thinks I spend too much. Flooring was chipped and sofa ripped but god forbid I spend any money!!

@Stressedmum2017

It's normal for plenty of people, it might not be for you, but your normal doesn't make it NORMAL or not for everyone.

I think it's normal if you have a judgy or critical family. There's lots I dont talk to many members of my family about as they're so negative.

I think the answer is not to tell them anything at all. Then if they see you have a new sofa and actually ask why you didn't tell them, say "Because you always make negative comments about my choices" and then refuse to let them draw you into further discussion about it.

Although I know in reality you will find this hard, as they have already done a number on you in the controlling department! As have most parents on one issue or another.

I often feel like this & I'm 60. They are now old, cantankerous, but just as opinionated.

I know how you feel 🙁best thing you can do is tell them as little as possible unfortunately, what we now refer to as the war on knowledge regarding my parents (thanks Dilbert!). Its not normal but its also not your fault/its your parents that aren't normal not you, and unfortunately you've been conditioned (so to speak) by them. Tell them as little as you can.

I have exactly the same issue. My parents are incredibly controlling and negative. If they know I am considering doing or buying something they rhyme off all the things that could go wrong. Then when I take a decision they tell me it was the wrong one!

it has taken me years to realise this about them - and even more years to start to overcome it.

i was in counselling a few years ago after a deeply distressing incident and I decided I wanted a kitten. I was talking to the therapist about why I couldn’t - my parents! She pointed out I am a forty year old woman earning a six figure salary, living in my own home. I don’t need my parents permission or approval to get a kitten! It then struck me how ridiculous the situation was.

it is a leaned reaction though - I still feel I need their approval for everything and I get really irritated by their negativity. But I am better now at taking my own decisions. I don’t think I will ever do anything though without thinking about how they will react.

Get ya - same with my parents tell them nothing they have no say in anything i do. Dont even know if i have had operations etc. My mother is a very jealous bitter women so i have learned to keep her at arms length and she has very little input or knowledge of my life. I also don't tell much to my sister as it goes back to my mother. Its like a colleague of mine complaining her mother in law wasnt happy with the colours she painted her house in , i was like what has it got to do with her and why and how does she know what they are ? She didn't really know what to say when i said that to her . If they ask just say something short and sweet and change the subject . Congrats on rehoming a rescue too by the way.

I am very selective with what I tell my parents. I would like to be more open with them but it’s impossible. They are very religious so anything but the approved church view on life is unacceptable.

I have to heavily edit what I tell them or only tell them things when I have to . It’s depressing as they have put barriers on a potential close relationship. I live a pretty standard normal life but because I am not a Christian any decision I make or parenting choice is wrong in their eyes. I am too old to listen to their judgment so just don’t tell them things.

Op I totally understand. I'm the same although since covid I'm not as bothered by the reaction and ignore the comments. Strangely they got less now... Yanbu by the way and anyone who says yabu is lucky to have nice understanding parents.

DM gets very edited updates on my life as there's often an anxious or negative reaction.
I'm in my 40s.

She certainly doesn't get updated on things like winter open water swimming (done "safely" at an appropriate venue, with equipment and build up of skill and knowledge). She wouldn't "get it" on any level and never put much into facilitating things that weren't her priority- if I hadn't been independently minded, I wouldn't have gone to adult swimming lessons and would still be a non-swimmer partly because she didn't like swimming pools.

It can be normal, but it's not a healthy dynamic in a parent/ child relationship.

engagement - just usual congratulations etc they like my dh however i have learned in the past to never mention anything negative about him e.g. if i’d say ‘dh has an interview for a new job’ it would be for example oh he needs something better than that/is he asking for a pay rise/ etc etc even though he’s not their responsibility at all

wedding - we eloped and had a party after. i said i wanted the party small and let my mum plan it and she went over the top with it but at the end of the day i did enjoy it so didn’t criticise but i do think her reason for that is because she’s convinced everyone around her is judging everything she does and she feels she has to make everything perfect to show face iygm

pregnancies - again happy for us but my mum works in maternity and used to find and read my notes all the time, even knew baby had been delivered before i told her as she phoned her colleague who was on shift

so yes i suppose controlling in various ways but i do love them and they’re both great parents otherwise, i’m just not even sure they recognise how suffocating it can be

This was me with my mother even when I was married with children of my own.
I was scared to tell her I'd applied for a different job as I got the "We paid for you to go to uni and now you're throwing it back in our faces" all the time.

I didn't realise how controlling she was. I thought everybody's mother was like that. In later life I realised they weren't. She's been dead for a few years now and the feeling of freedom is unbelievable.

It made me look at her model of "parenting" and do the complete opposite,

i had to as they came over to my house for a meal so was more of a they saw it rather than me telling them thing. same with the dog, haven’t told them but inevitably they’re coming over on christmas to see dd and will definitely find out then 😅

Yep, I'm currently styling my hair in a specific way when I see my parents so they can't see my new piercing because I can't deal with the fallout before Christmas.

I once got told I made her sick because she was so worried I had got a cat (I'm a responsible pet owner, had had cats previously, always have insurance etc)

I try to tell her as little as possible and then she moans constantly that she never knows what's going on 🙄

If you have the type of parents (or, in my case, mother) who criticise every decision you make in life, then it's perfectly normal to feel like that.

My mother used to make me doubt myself and indirectly influence my decisions. Then one day, I just flipped, had a massive row with her and didn't speak to her for 2 months. During that time, I put my house up for sale, made an offer on the house 160 miles away and accepted a job offer in the same area. Best decision I ever made and probably one I would not have made if I had told her about it.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mum dearly, but she is the most negative person I have ever met, and her negativity can rub off on me. I now make it quite clear, when she is trying to dictate to me and tell me what I should or shouldn't do, that I am a grown woman and can make my own decisions in life, and if I want advice, I will ask for it.

She is still a pain in the arse, but she has definitely started to realise that if she pushes my buttons too much, I will distance myself and not speak to her for a while. It's the only way I can cope with her and maintain my sanity. We do actually have a much better relationship now.

I am not advocating moving away or anything so drastic, but you need to stand up to your parents and make it quite clear that it is your life, and you will live it as you see fit.

Limit what you tell them and when they find out change subject or let it wash it over you that gets easier with time and remind yourself you are an adult married and financial independent and a mother yourself.

We've had it from both sets of parents at times worse when kids were young - moving away massively helped. Though I read something to day about over critical parents and long term effects and thought fuck I haven't come as far as I thought - sad thing is it's how their parents were with them so I worry about how I am with my kids and worry I am worse than I think.