grown adult scared to tell parents things

[25anxi]

is this normal? i’m 25, 2 kids, mortgage, married, own my own car, etc etc but anytime i make a life choice or purchase etc i feel so anxious to tell my parents. e.g. bought a sofa last month and i was terrified of their reaction because they always respond with things like ‘how did you pay for it/what a stupid choice to take out finance’ etc

we’ve just rehomed a dog yesterday and i haven’t told them yet as i already know they will call me stupid and say waste of money and ‘don’t come crying to us when you have a vet bill’ etc even though i do not rely on them financially and myself and dh have jobs of our own

surely this isn’t normal. i feel like i can’t shake off the anxiety everytime i make a big change or purchase in life about telling them as i know they’ll call me stupid etc

I tell my DF very, very little about our lives, as he’s a judgemental, sanctimonious joy sponge.

He told me I was crackers when we got our dog.

I much prefer the dog to DF. Miserable old goat.

I have a somewhat negative mother. In this situation I’d drop her a message with a picture of NewDog looking super cute and a message saying’meet NewDog our gorgeous new family member’.

She will come back to you with something negative and you can just reply ‘haha you’re nothing if not predictable 🤣’

Then don’t get involved bar saying that yes, obviously you’ve considered this very carefully and no, they won’t be required to help out. ( will they?)

Close down any further remarks with a phrase used on repeat.

It a bit different here.
Its a parent with extreme anxiety around everything that they might consider risky.
So for example, I can’t tell them that I’m driving on the motorway to the next city. This will evoke tears, sleepless nights, unable to eat due to anxiety and loads of phone calls to check in.
It’s fucking exhausting.
Dont tell them ANYTHING.
It means I can’t share fun things like flying for an exiting holiday or a concert with an overnight stay.
It affects their mental health so severely.

TBF if I was your parents I'd be a bit 🤔 about you rehoming a dog 😂😂😂. Although I wouldn't dream of saying anything. 🤐
Two little kids and both adults working doesn't sound like it's a good time to get a dog

I have the opposite problem with my adult kids, they like to run their decisions past me even though they are old enough and sensible enough to make their own decisions. One of my kids is 28 and he called me the other day to let me know he was thinking of buying a new computer. He can easily afford it but I think he wanted me to rubberstamp his decision.

I feel the same. They do the same to my kids who now no longer want to spend time with them

The health anxiety is HORRENDOUS and absolutely draining too.
The slightest cough or teeny spot on my toe or if I say I’m tired, insisting I get a DRs appointment or go to the walk in centre.
It pretty much ruled our lives as kids. It made me so different from my friends as I was always off school, at the GPS or A&E for something and nothing.
It got embarrassing and actually caused a lot of conflict between me and my anxious parent.
We disagree so strongly and she just doesn’t get it, neither do I.

I'm now NC with my father as he was highly abusive in many ways but one of the 'little' things was that he would criticise every last thing I would do. There was some kind of inherent belief that I was bad with money, I have no idea where it started.

He stonewalled me for 6 weeks when I decided not to go to uni, to the point I was begging and pleading with him to speak to me as it was so upsetting. He disagreed with me having DC in my twenties, he disagreed with DH and I marrying (I was too young and naive in his eyes). He disagreed with our house purchase as he said we would get in a mess with it, he was outraged that we got an extension on the house. He disagreed with my well paid job to the point that he flat out refused to acknowledge it or talk about my job at all.

If I bought the kids a pair of school shoes in Tkmaxx for £16.99 I would be berated for spending too much money. I would be berated for having a lamp on in the dark winter afternoons so the DC could draw and colour.

This off the back of some extremely dubious life choices himself (such as domestically abusing two women, and cuckooing the second woman out of her council flat after he got himself on the tenancy).

I've been NC for 5 years now and have rejoiced in getting a tattoo and a new porch on the house. And no one says anything negative, I'm free :)

my mum works in maternity and used to find and read my notes all the time, even knew baby had been delivered before i told her as she phoned her colleague who was on shift

Wow.

She realises she could be sacked for that, right? That's outrageous.

I went no contact with my mother at 26, partly because she was like this.
It's so draining for someone else to constantly feel entitled to make negative comments or question you about your own life. It's emotional abuse and it's controlling behaviour.
Before I cut all contact I used to just not tell her things, but then I'd have to deal with her sulking that "im so left out of your whole life, I'm clearly not important enough to be told anything"

Personally I have no advice on how to manage it, but offering some commiserations and understanding 🍷

Its not normal for a 25 yr old to behave like a little girl.

You can't change them but you can change your own behaviour and attitude.

My DM is the same. She's very judgemental about anything she sees as different. I was in my 20s when I had my nose pierced & she phoned me screaming down the phone at me asking what I thought I was doing. She did the same with my niece recently who'd dyed her hair blue, and I took her to see my DB & she did the same to him, the first words out of her mouth were along the lines "what on earth have you done to your hair, why have you done that to make yourself look so horrible". Needless to say there were words & DB now wants nothing at all to do with her - which I bear the brunt of.

I've been scared of her my whole life. I don't think I've ever been myself, iyswim. She doesn't so much shout now but can use some very choice unpleasant words, sulk and just make me feel like a 5 year old.

This is a bit nasty and uncalled for. Unless you have experiences this type of abusive parenting it’s. Really hard to understand it.

OP there are lots of threads and advice out there that offer insights into controlling parents.

katie McKenna on tik Tok gives great advice about managing controlling parents - and recovering from that control while building confidence and developing your own identity.

it’s really hard to silence that negative voice in your own head - it’s them. Constantly criticising, questioning, doubting.

My parents do this. I lie about how much things cost and don't give them a chance to tell me where I went wrong as I only tell them about problems after I solve them if i need to.
It's not normal, but they don't respect boundaries like normal people do.
I would love to feel supported in the way I see others supported but that's life

It's not always as simplistic as that. Having overly critical parents from childhood can impact a childs emotional development, which can extend into adulthood.

But I agree with you. The critical parents will probably never change so it does rest on the individual to alter their own behaviour and response to it.

Feel like I’ve found my tribe. NC with my parents and my mum was horrendous for this. She’d google job adverts to discover my salary, look up the cost of things I’d purchased, endlessly tell me that I shouldn’t change careers because I was fat/not pretty/didn’t look glamorous - I’m now a very successful professional but she maintains that I don’t look the part, so I didn’t like to tell her about promotions or work successes. It’s impossible to explain the anxiety as you just don’t get it unless you’ve experienced it.

My sibling isn’t NC but also used to ask me not to tell mum stuff, it was like living in a dictatorship at times.

YANBU and my advice is don’t tell her anything significant. She honestly won’t do anything useful with the information so not worth her having it.

<hand up>
Same here.

Like a pp i was in my late 20s before it dawned on me that not everyone has this sort of relationship with their parents.

At 32 I was scared to tell them when i bought a leather 3 piece suite FGS! In the first place it was the first time i'd chosen my own sofas. Previously i'd always accepted relatives hand me down suites like a good frugal child. For years and years there'd been this whole rhetoric about how awful leather chairs are and why the hell would anybody want them and how much better our sort of chairs are ... and then not only did i go out and buy my own NEW 3 piece suite 😵but HORROR it was leather !! 😂It took me over a week to pluck up the courage to tell them 🙄My mother's face ...

In hindsight i can say that my Dad (passed away a while now) was ok - worried for me, the way Dads are with their DDs - but i felt he was proud when i tried something new ect. I feel my mother kept him in line re: me.

My mother (still with us) - and i can see it all so clearly now - was basically jealous of everything to do with me and found in necessary to piss on my chips at every opportunity.

Out of millions of incidents the funniest one was about 12 years ago when i told her DH and i were going to Italy and would see the Sistine Chapel while there. She told me (with a cats bum face) that it would likely be quite disappointing - she'd seen it on the telly and wouldn't bother going herself.

For info. she's never been further than the coast here in the UK and eye rolls at anyone making the effort to go anywhere further than the end of the bloody road.

I'm the same although older. Extremely controlling, judgemental father who was emotionally and financially abusive to my now deceased mother. Every major life decision I've made as an adult has been met with a negative response. From career to engagement, babies and everything in between. He'll make snide comments if he doesn't agree with something or he has form for phoning people after a disagreement to shout at them. Oh and he's extremely wealthy but an absolute workaholic miser (only buys reduced food items, never holidays, no repairs on house etc). If DH and I decide to buy a new sofa or whatever, I worry about his reaction which I know is ridiculous.

I was scared as a child and still have the same response now so tell him nothing until I absolutely have to. I'm sure he does not see his behaviour as controlling but instead as 'caring' for us. In fact, his parents are just as negative and growing up with them all was a nightmare (long story).

I suppose therapy would help you to process and understand it all.

no they won’t be expected to dogsit etc. dog is an 8 year old ex racing greyhound and came from a place where she was 1 of over 30 dogs and they all slept outside :( so she is crate trained (indoors!) and very happy in it so if needed she can be in there. and also we both wfh so will not need to do this often. the place we rehomed from also said they can look after her if we ever go on holiday or anything so no expectations for my parents to have her

haha, you sound like my mum!

I have a somewhat negative mother. In this situation I’d drop her a message with a picture of NewDog looking super cute and a message saying’meet NewDog our gorgeous new family member’

Sometimes when I've done similar been surprised at positive response faced with fait de accompli - sometimes negative comments come later but can be headed off with our misunderstanding comment and relentless positivity on subject - though strongly suspect everyone round them hears about how reckless we are.

Pissing on my chips - as pp mentioned - does sometimes feel like this other times it's anxiety or they don't realise how they sound.

Yes the negativity is draining. Or as another post about Rome she throw in the negatives about it. We all on last minute deals lol she told last minute. Best way to deal with her.

Just thinking of more examples from my own life. Tut tutting about various things I've done: places I've travelled to, doing charity events to raise money (Why??? my dad demanded to know).

I had a couple of medical procedures recently (all ok thankfully) and kept that to myself. I think I naturally like to share things with people so often open up and then regret it.

But yeah, any happy news or stuff I do they react negatively. Because they wouldn't do the same I guess. But they can't even pretend to be happy for me.

Reading these posts makes me relived it is not just me and I was not imagining it - lots of what people say ring so true. One of the children really wanted a hamster - parents were very critical. I allowed them to have it - yet when they came to stay we hid it. Pathetic I know but it was just easier as nothing is ever right!

It is very normal to feel anxious around parents who are controlling and critical even at twice your age. Please don't feel you are abnormal.

I didn't tell my mum I was pregnant with DC number 4 until I was 5 months I was 32!