Really rude friend!

[EverythingWobbles]

DH and I have invited about 10 couples over on Christmas eve for drinks/nibbles. I sent a text saying that we appreciate it's a busy day and completely understand if they can't make it, but would love if they could find time to pop over whether it be for 10 mins or 2 hours and to just let me know either way. (Sent 2 weeks ago)
Amazingly everyone is coming which is really lovely....but one particular friend (I invited her and hubby) hasn't replied, (yet still liking posts etc on fb and interacting normally so no issues as far as I'm aware).
We really need to know numbers, so dropped her a quick message yesterday saying we are trying to finalise numbers for buffet bits etc, and would be really grateful if she could let me know if they will have chance to pop round (again, explained no pressure and fully understand if busy)
She's read it and not responded again! AIBU to be really annoyed and find it rude?
I don't mind if she can't come, but surely just have the decency to respond! She's been on her phone today as I've seen her online. Do you just find some people ignorant??

I agree that it is rude not to respond to an invite, especially when you have asked again, but tbh unless it’s a sit down dinner surely “drinks and nibbles”, or a buffet, could accommodate a few extras.

I don’t think it’s really rude. You said it was a casual thing and it’s still 2 weeks away. It’s possibly a bit thoughtless, but actually loads of people are still uncertain about plans/changing arrangements etc. You’ll probably hear soon.

HowVeryBizarre · Today 03:04
I agree that it is rude not to respond to an invite, especially when you have asked again, but tbh unless it’s a sit down dinner surely “drinks and nibbles”, or a buffet, could accommodate a few extras.
...............
Exactly what I thought. Usually an estimate of the number of guests is all that is needed for such an event. Chasing up an acceptance makes it seem more formal.

You gave a month's notice for an event which you have emphasised is super-casual, no pressure to come, no pressure to stay. It's reasonable to assume that your catering arrangements will be equally casual - after alll, you aren't pushing people to tell you how long they will stay, even though those who stay for two hours will eat and drink far more than those who stay for 10 minutes. It's reasonable for your friend to assume that, if she genuinely doesn't know if she is able to come, it doesn't make much difference to you to wait. Alternatively, if it makes that much difference to your catering arrangements, she will be aware that telling you she doesn't know yet won't be helpful to you.

Realistically, her presence or otherwise is at most the difference between having an extra bottle of wine/soft drink available plus, say, another packet of crisps and a few sandwiches or whatever. You will need that much flexibility in your catering anyway to cover for no-shows. Relax.

Exactly this!
Rude af
If she has time to like and read other posts she can reply to u. Not a real pal

In your haste to admonish the OP you have failed to notice that the rude friend is very much in evidence online: “still liking posts etc on fb and interacting normally”.

So she’s unlikely to have anything very ‘major going on in her life’, eh? No, I’m afraid that she’s just rude. As PPs have noted, she’s waiting for a better offer. You can wait around at her convenience so that she can make her mind up half an hour beforehand. Which is the height of rudeness. I wouldn’t invite her to anything else.

As for “if she’s that good a friend, why not just ring her!” comments: you do realise that it is possible to communicate with close friends by text, right?

Yeah she should let you know but I don’t think you really need to know numbers for catering - 8 couples isn’t that different to 10 especially if it’s just small plates of buffet stuff

Your expectations are a bit intense. All you've done is text her twice in 3 weeks - it's the run up to Xmas which, in case you weren't aware, is a busy time. She's probably juggling 15 things and it's really easy to forget to reply to a text when you're also in the middle of 6 other text conversations organising presents/Xmas arrangements. Especially when it's something b she can't just immediately give you an answer to, shell need to have a conversation with her b husband first - so you make a mental note to ask him if he wants to go when she sees him that evening, then a bunch of other things crop up through the day and by evening it's forgotten. It's only been a day, she could have been out all weekend in Xmas shopping hell or at a Xmas social event. Or dealing with anything.

Give her a couple of days and then call her.

The OP is similarly ‘juggling things’, including an event for 20 people. A courteous friend would reply promptly to help the friend arranging the party.

It takes 2 seconds to reply, block the silly cow, she has time to read your messages but not reply....

I also don't get the comments about the fact that she's interacting on Facebook/ on her phone meaning she's got nothing major going on in her life.

When my Dad had a stroke I was on my phone/ WhatsApp regularly keeping various family members in the loop about his condition/ what the latest news from the hospital was, so I'd have appeared active on my phone. A social event message could easily have got immediately forgotten if received in the midst of the maelstrom, and then a few hours later whilst waiting to hear if he was out of surgery/ how the surgery went I would have been absent-mindedly scrolling through social media attempting to distract myself. Liking a cute photo or something wouldn't have meant I'd have had any real focus to get on top of other things.

If I was doing a survey 'is this rude' technically sure but to me life is not like that, if I needed to know as I was paying 1000 per head so needed to actually know sure rude

If there is only a little catering and 2 more or less is no bother not rude

If they are close enough for me to invite them I understand life gets in the way

No I don't count anything on social media or not as a guide of real life

No real friend ignores your texts.

Whilst I do have an acquaintance (I don't consider them a friend for this reason) who always does the 'waiting to see if they get a better offer' thing, so I know it's a thing and think it very rude. It's also possible to not know your plans for other reasons, for example I'm supposed to be seeing family Xmas Eve - plans were made a few months ago. But said family member has had some health problems recently and doesn't know now whether they're going to be able to make Xmas Eve yet.

I consider that a pre-existing commitment, I'm not going to cancel on them because they're having a tough time lately and might not be able to make it (that would just be kicking them when they're down), but it does mean there's a chance I'll be free Xmas Eve, I just don't know yet.

Now, if I were the invitee I would reply to the op explaining that, asking if they were ok for me to not commit or if they needed to know numbers now that I'd have to decline, but it's just making the point that unless the invitee has form for this kind of behaviour there are alternatives explanations and I wouldn't be making assumptions.

How about this as your next message?

’Dear Friend, if you are coming over on Christmas Eve can you please bring your own bag of peanuts, posh crisps, pot of dip and a couple of sausage rolls as your failure to RSVP has really messed up my nibbles calculation. Perhaps chuck in a gin in a tin too? But don’t worry about bringing any thing non alcoholic to drink, as the tap is working’

I honestly couldn’t get worked up about her non reply for such an informal get together, but I hope you have fun with the people that do drop in.

It wouldn't be about numbers and catering, for me, it would be about ignoring my text twice.

Christmas Eve is a tricky one, often it's hard to line up all the wider family into a confirmed plan to know for sure what you're all doing. A "how lovely, thank you, but we're not sure yet what PIL are doing" response isn't particularly helpful to the organiser. I've never catered a buffet with the specificity that it's 20 or 22 people, so I don't think it affects plans now, but if the others hasn't answered either then knowing if it's 2 or 22 would make it an issue.

I'd also be a bit cautious before flying off the handle OP. People can have other things going on; death or illness in the family for example. You won't see that from whether they like an occasional Facebook post. Just give her a call if you're worried and ask directly.

You issued a breezy informal invite for an evening that is often reserved as family time. A couple of my family members are always a pain in the backside, fussing over complicated arrangements, but I will still give them priority on Christmas Eve. I get that your friend could have replied to the effect that she doesn't know yet, but how does that help you for numbers? It's not about a "better offer" but family commitments, even if said family are really annoying at firming up plans.

I’m on the fence.

Yes, she could text but she could also not know if she and her partner are available. I would text but you would get “I’m unsure but I will let you now” so you wouldn’t get an answer and still have to text if I’ve not gotten a response from my partner so still don’t know.

You are framing it as a casual party (just pop over for a few minutes, nibbles and drinks, no pressure) yet you are highly annoyed that she hasn’t given a response when it’s only two people missing from their list. I could understand if it was several people but two people is not a big thing when it’s nibbles and drinks. You have your numbers just minus two people. You would need to have a bit extra anyway as you would any party.

You could buy all those nibbles and have no-shows at your party or people that cancel a few days before.

Take her lack of an answer as a no or you could just call her yourself if it is as urgent as you say it is in a time she is likely not busy and if still no answer, leave it.

Christ alive, just ring her.

😂😂

Love this reply!

This, especially if she has dcs. She's not terribly polite but my house is a bit chaotic on Xmas eve too.

If it's only nibbles and a drink, two more or less won't make much difference.

If she's anywhere between a firm yes or no (which is highly likely on Christmas Eve) then she's doomed whatever she does.
Not responding- rude.
Holding fire with a wait and see response- rude as it's seen as waiting for a "better" offer.
Being flaky by changing your mind as the situation becomes more apparent is also rude.

Having held many BBQ and buffet type parties in my youth, I'm struggling to see the urgency of chasing up and fretting about rudeness at this point. Especially when it's been framed as a casual, pop-by event.

Phoning up for a little chat and to ask is a lot better than doing it by text forms.

Good point.

I may forget someone has sent me a text even if I read it especially if I don’t have the answer. It would get buried by other text messages. Harder to forget something when I’ve actually talked to a person.

Three messages about a casual drop in drinks and nibbles is excessive. Maybe she feels hounded?