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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Married 17 years but never had that sexual spark with DH

110 replies

7tgu467g · 10/12/2022 08:16

Both in our early 40s, been married for 17 years. DH is very attractive but even when we first got together there just wasn't the compatibility in the bedroom. To me he always just came across as quite wooden and we never clicked. However, we used to really connect in other ways so I sort of overlooked it. I had lived with other partners before DH so in a way I know its us rather than men and me in general.

Fast forward to now and we have each changed and have less in common etc and things are definitely fraying badly at the seams. Not really had much of a sex life since DC four years ago now. DH wants to stay together because of DC but I was wondering whether if we had had that initial sexual spark it would help us ride out the fact that by now we're just quite different people esp. since having DC. Obviously can't unmade the last 17 years but also not sure how to move forward beside resigning myself to both of us unhappily muddling along till kids leave home

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 10/12/2022 08:21

So your AIBU is: Am I being unreasonable to wonder whether if we had had that initial sexual spark it would help us ride out the fact that by now we're just quite different people esp. since having DC?

I would think it would help, yes. Even when DH is pissing me off, I still enjoy sex with him and it definitely makes me feel more connected to him.

Kettleblack · 10/12/2022 08:34

What @Strugglingtodomybest said. YABU for settling and thinking that this would do.

ABigSalad123 · 10/12/2022 08:44

Do you think marriage counselling would help? Or trying out now things you both enjoy when you have sex?

GhostBridezilla · 10/12/2022 08:48

Eek this was me. Ultimately without the sexual spark you’re just friends who built a family together.
and that’s ok for some people.
but not ok for everyone.
is it ok for you? Do you need more?

Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 08:54

I can’t imagine being In a relationship in my twenties and sex not being really bloody important! My later to be DH couldn’t get enough of each other. Your responsibility free, young and in physical prime of life. What made you carry on the relationship knowing that zero sexual compatibility?

Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 08:55

What stands put is that you don’t actually say anything positive or loving about your DH, sexual incompatibility aside.

Clearly sexual incompatibility is tip of iceburg

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/12/2022 08:57

How did you end up marrying someone you didn’t fancy? No judgement but I just see the point?

If you don’t feel sexual attraction to someone they are a friend not a spouse.

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/12/2022 08:57

Don’t see the point

SequinShagger · 10/12/2022 08:58

What do you think you want people to say?

Original poster
7tgu467g · 10/12/2022 08:59

I think it used to be ok enough esp. before having kids. But since then there have been quite a few changes in our lives - we moved countries, he no longer work in my industry - i.e. we are less able to talk shop in ways we used to, had kids, so the 'friends' bit functions a lot less well. For example, since coming back to the UK we clearly want very different things when it comes to our kids, careers, how best to do things. It's hard - he is a nice guy and the classic attractive type over 6 foot, still has a six pack and does 50/50 with the kids. So on the surface, he's great. But we want different things in our lives now and I just never wanted to shag him all that much. It sounds really harsh. Not sure what a counsellor can say - we cant exactly go back to regaining the spark that for me was never there in the first place. We also cant go back to wanting the same things - it was fine abroad when we could create a compromise but we live in London and things are a lot more intense with jobs, kids, elderly parents.

Adult relationships are so hard, you got to get really lucky to have everything

OP posts:
Caiti19 · 10/12/2022 09:09

Do you actually communicate in the bedroom? Many women suffer emotionally because they never learned to communicate what they want. We often feel partners should just "know". "Knowing" = "spark". I recommend an experiment where you get merry on your tipple of choice, reach out and actually instruct him on what you want him to do, ask him what he wants, let loose and communicate. Then re-assess your feelings. Hormones are powerful controllers of emotion. You might just surprise yourselves.

Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 09:12

I think it used to be ok enough

what drew you to marry this man?

jeaux90 · 10/12/2022 09:15

It's really sad.
What do you want to do? Separate and co-parent?

Cyrrik · 10/12/2022 09:16

I’m in the same boat but it’s sort of worse here. Watching with interest.

HelllBaby · 10/12/2022 09:24

It's really sad, I dont really have any advice as we are same age, same years married but the spark was always there from the get go. The questions you need to ask yourself is could you live without him? Do you want him in your life? The answers are yes and then no, then it's time to split and find different things xx

HelllBaby · 10/12/2022 09:25

*if the answers are yes the no I meant! Forgot the word "if"

SueVineer · 10/12/2022 09:29

you’ve settled for someone you didn’t fancy. It must be really tough after 17 years and kids but I would break up.

sneezingpandamum · 10/12/2022 09:33

Have to agree with you

My STBXH and I had very different sex drives. He's never really seemed to have one. Not compatible sexually at all. Like you say seems wooden and uncomfortable generally. We are divorcing.

My parents on the other hand have a "war of the roses" film type marriage - hate each other and love each other in equal measures. Have always been very passionate and I do think that has helped see them through a long marriage

bonzaitree · 10/12/2022 09:42

Sounds like he has some really great qualities OP which is why it’s a hard decision to make. He is the father of your children, good with them, nice looking etc.

It’s easy to see why you didn’t prioritise finding a partner who you were sexually compatible with. Given the dating pool, I’d say you did well!

Do you want things to work out? What would your ideal sex life look like?

Doliveira · 10/12/2022 09:54

So you’re married to a good man, a good dad, handsome, but you don’t have much in common at the moment, and he’s not very good in bed.
Im not sure how you feel. Are you starting to resent him because you aren’t drawn to him in the physical/ emotional sense so you don’t know how to bridge the gap between you? Or are you more worried or depressed.
Are you physically yaffectionate together, would cuddling more foster the closeness you lack. Once distance becomes the norm you need an ice breaker.
or are you very turned off and don’t want touch?
I don’t think the spark is crucial to feeling loved and cared for.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/12/2022 09:55

I think you're possibly focussing on the wrong thing here.

You have different life goals and nothing in common. I think for a lot of people , great sex would not make up for that. If you dont have much to talk about outside work, then you don't even sound like 'great friends' that are missing a spark.In my view you might have sex for an average of half an hour a day...there are a lot or other hours to spend with someone and if there isnt anything good about those hours then it's over no matter how great the sex.

Can you get some counselling to help you figure out what you want?

Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 09:58

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

the op is not “focussing on the wrong thing here”

she is focussing on what is important and relevant to her

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 10/12/2022 10:01

Agree with a PP, hormones are a powerful driver and if you can manage a few “good times” with your H then you may find your feelings towards him change for the better. Do you think the spark was there for him early on? Relationships are more than sex but if you’re not happy elsewhere either then it is a question of what you’re staying for.

holidaysGalore · 10/12/2022 10:06

Maybe get your hormones checked

Whenever I'm a bit depressed or thyroid is off I don't feel attracted to DH

NewToWoo · 10/12/2022 10:08

7tgu467g · 10/12/2022 08:59

I think it used to be ok enough esp. before having kids. But since then there have been quite a few changes in our lives - we moved countries, he no longer work in my industry - i.e. we are less able to talk shop in ways we used to, had kids, so the 'friends' bit functions a lot less well. For example, since coming back to the UK we clearly want very different things when it comes to our kids, careers, how best to do things. It's hard - he is a nice guy and the classic attractive type over 6 foot, still has a six pack and does 50/50 with the kids. So on the surface, he's great. But we want different things in our lives now and I just never wanted to shag him all that much. It sounds really harsh. Not sure what a counsellor can say - we cant exactly go back to regaining the spark that for me was never there in the first place. We also cant go back to wanting the same things - it was fine abroad when we could create a compromise but we live in London and things are a lot more intense with jobs, kids, elderly parents.

Adult relationships are so hard, you got to get really lucky to have everything

Well, even if you split, you will still have the issues of kids and elderly parents, plus the new stress of ferrying DC between homes, introducing them to new partners etc.

I'm not saying don't do it, but don't blame your husband because life is dull and tough right now. Raising a family can be dull and tough. Imo, it would be way harder with the added financial burden of running two homes and being the only adult on clal when DC are ill/in a strop/ both need attentiomn at once. It's a personal preference, but i think a man who is 50/50 on housework and childcare is a rare and highly desirable person and there's no way I would give up the harmony of raising a family well together (so much of day to day life is pragmatic) just so I was free to get butterflies about some other man who may be utterly useless outside of the bedroom.

So think about that stuff too.

If you want to give your marriage another go, focus on finding some new mutual interests.