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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Married 17 years but never had that sexual spark with DH

110 replies

7tgu467g · 10/12/2022 08:16

Both in our early 40s, been married for 17 years. DH is very attractive but even when we first got together there just wasn't the compatibility in the bedroom. To me he always just came across as quite wooden and we never clicked. However, we used to really connect in other ways so I sort of overlooked it. I had lived with other partners before DH so in a way I know its us rather than men and me in general.

Fast forward to now and we have each changed and have less in common etc and things are definitely fraying badly at the seams. Not really had much of a sex life since DC four years ago now. DH wants to stay together because of DC but I was wondering whether if we had had that initial sexual spark it would help us ride out the fact that by now we're just quite different people esp. since having DC. Obviously can't unmade the last 17 years but also not sure how to move forward beside resigning myself to both of us unhappily muddling along till kids leave home

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 10/12/2022 12:41

The reason he stays - is that he thinks I would be a crap single mum so he stays for the kids

Honestly I would probably leave him for that remark alone, never mind what he's like in the sack. So much to hate about that statement:

  • He's stating he only stays for the kids and therefore would not be with OP if it weren't for the kids
  • He's saying she can't parent alone which is really fucking insulting
  • He's belittling and patronising her for implying that she couldn't cope without him to run hers and her kids' life

Why on earth would anyone want to remain with someone who talks to his wife as if she was a helpless cretin who can't look after her own kids?

Perhaps you should show him you're not actually a crap single mum. I'd be prepared to bet you'd find parenting more fun without him.

Skyla01 · 10/12/2022 12:45

Maybe you should try some relationship counselling to work out what you both want? Or just have an honest conversation yourselves. If you have both stopped trying in the relationship I think you need to decide what to do- split up, stay together as friends for the kids, or start trying to make it work. Might be better than staying in unspoken limbo? I would say a "spark" is the least of your worries at this point.

ICriedAllTheWayToTheChipShop · 10/12/2022 12:48

Claireintheclouds · 10/12/2022 11:49

Not sure it’s a sign of not being a good man to be honest. From what the OP has written I don’t think she’d be a good single mum either. Couldn’t afford it for a start

Show quote history

As I said, low bar. It might not make him "bad" but it certainly doesn't mean he warrants all the "decent guy worth hanging onto at all costs" comments that other posters have been handing out to him.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/12/2022 12:49

I think the sexual issue might be a distraction. It sounds like you were previously happier in the relationship. Is there any chance you are rewriting history a bit, and that there was a time you were more attracted to him? Clearly you were sleeping together at one point.

I think you need to think about counselling to resolve some of the difficulties in your relationship.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/12/2022 12:53

How would you feel as a single parent though OP. If the DC were to stay with you would you still want to stay late at the office, manage an hours commute and drop offs, clubs etc on your own. Would you still want to travel so far to elderly parents on top of all this? Would you be able to go out when you want to?

Original poster
7tgu467g · 10/12/2022 13:13

@Thepeopleversuswork I guess in a way he's right. I'd have half the money, less support than I do now, probably unlikely to meet anyone new as I won't have time, but still just as much to do so more stressed and juggling everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
7tgu467g · 10/12/2022 13:16

Man adult life is crap

OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 13:20

7tgu467g · 10/12/2022 13:16

Man adult life is crap

I am afraid to say OP, that it is for you.

but adult life per se, is not.

I am a single parent, decorating the tree atm with my two very happy settled children growing up in an environment of no tension or moodiness between parents that don’t really like each other let alone love each other.

you seem to think the alternative to being with him is to horrifying to contemplate. Whereas your current existence seems pretty awful to me

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/12/2022 15:23

7tgu467g · 10/12/2022 13:13

@Thepeopleversuswork I guess in a way he's right. I'd have half the money, less support than I do now, probably unlikely to meet anyone new as I won't have time, but still just as much to do so more stressed and juggling everything.

OP that's him talking, not you.

I'm a single parent and I can tell you right now my life is a million times better than it was married to a man not dissimilar to your husband. I don't have the support, no, but I didn't much in the marriage. I did meet someone. And I have more money than I ever did in the marriage.

Society is geared up to tell us that we are nothing without a man. And you know what, the greatest secret I learned in my life is that that narrative is set up because its men, not women, who benefit most from marriage.

Get rid of his voice from your head and keep telling yourself you can do what you want and you don't need his authority. You may or may not choose to leave. But don't stay purely because he's telling you you can't do it. That suits him more than you.

Walkaround · 10/12/2022 17:07

Well, you both sound unhappy, sustaining lives neither of you is happy with. It does sound as though you are saying that you can only live in London doing your job because of the free childcare help you are giving each other, and shared financial resources, and that you could not actually afford to live separately in London. And he doesn’t even want to live in London in the first place - that’s your choice. Is this the case, or is it more the case that you couldn’t tolerate an even worse quality of life than you have now just to enable you to keep living in London and working full time without your dh?

What would happen if you separated? Would you be able to share childcare amicably? Or would he want to move well away from London, making your children’s schooling and lives very difficult and complicated, or resulting in one of you having the children for the lion’s share of the time? Could you cope with your full time job and elderly parents and full time responsibility for your children for large parts of the year? Or would you need your dh to do at least half and therefore continue to live nearby, even though he clearly doesn’t want to? Or would you be happy to give up custody of your children for most of the year? Or every weekend, if you take them to schools local to you during the week? Or during the week, if he takes them to school near him? Tbh, it sounds like you have already completed your emotional separation, so just need to sort out practicalities, which may well be shit for everyone for a considerable period of time, particularly if the whole problem in the first place is you are incapable of agreeing what is the best thing for your children.

Original poster
7tgu467g · 10/12/2022 19:15

I am not sure what would happen if we separated. My take home pay is 3.5k but rent on a teo bed flat in our area is 1.8k min. I guess I would get some equity from the house but I doubt that this would allow me to buy anywhere. However, it's not just the cash but also managing my job and childcare. I am not saying that people can't do it in London, it just seems really hard. But I think we have certainly already separated emotionally speaking. We only ever chat about family stuff, haven't been out without the kids since sometime in years and honestly neither of us feels any need for doing do.

When I was younger, I'd hear stories of wives not being that bothered about their husband's getting sex elsewhere and not being able to imagine that but now I totally can. I would be upset and concerned about him leaving and having to manage on my own but I am not sure that the rest of it would bother me anymore.

OP posts:
FreshCop · 11/12/2022 15:58

If you did separate would there be more benefits/pros?

I know some people come to an arrangement don’t they, to have an open marriage and just to cooperate for the children.

it seems that if you did separate you may not manage financially or keep up the same work rate for your career that you seem to really enjoy.

CannonCaboodle · 12/12/2022 12:09

How old are your children OP? Sorry if I missed it.

peaceandove · 12/12/2022 12:16

Marrying someone when you don't have the spark would feel just like marrying a good friend? That's enough for many people but would never have been enough for me. I already had plenty of friends so didn't see the point in marrying to just acquire another one. I wanted something more passionate and more intimate than just friendship.

Original poster
7tgu467g · 12/12/2022 14:16

@peaceandove I think my decision was swayed by my earlier experiences. Had amazing sex life with partner before DH - but we just crashed and burnt and it was not sustainable in the long run. So I guess with DH it felt more sustainable.

Our kids are six and four

OP posts:
Benjispruce4 · 12/12/2022 17:17

OP you say he’s attractive. So, is it his personality you find unattractive?

Original poster
7tgu467g · 12/12/2022 19:11

By now I dont think that we really click personality wise but even before - we just never clicked properly in the bedroom. He is attractive but when it comes to it rather wooden and it just never had that spark. I certainly just used to go through the motions and our sex life is a bit like painting by numbers. I think in his case, he just liked the fact that he could have regular sex. He'd never had a long term girlfriend before me - though we did get together ager 25 so probably not all that unusual

OP posts:
thewayround · 13/12/2022 06:44

So what you going to do beyond tell mumsnet about it?

Benjispruce4 · 13/12/2022 17:25

Well if you don’t think you could work on finding intimacy and building a sexual relationship , I wouldn’t want that marriage. Then again I’d never have married if I felt that way.

Afreshstar · 15/12/2022 00:39

In case you’re not aware this thread seems to have been picked up by the daily fail www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-11529999/Ive-married-17-years-think-leave-husband-no-sexual-spark.html

LadyQuill71 · 15/12/2022 06:11

I think it’s well worth a heart to heart with your partner before doing anything you can’t take back. Having been on the receiving end for something similar last year I was thrown away like rubbish and my partner didn’t even have the decency to talk things through or try to fix things. He was just plain selfish. This was very hard and frustrating to be completely ignored and treated with such disrespect. Couples do drift apart, that’s inevitable, especially if the relationship is one sided with one making more effort than the other, or one person thinking they’re needs are more important than the other. Life is never rosy all of the time. It’s a partnership at the end of the day and you owe each other the respect to talk things through and exhaust all options before acting hastily. When it’s one sided, its very hard for the other person to accept and to process, even though they may already be aware of issues. It’s also easier for some people to be open and honest and talk, but some people find it difficult to do this. That said, there is no point being miserable, if that’s what you truly are, it makes you sad, lonely and bitter, to the point, that little things that niggle you now, will snowball. An open and honest heart to heart conversation is surely worth a try ? It wasn’t given to me and that has been the hardest thing to deal with and make sense of. Ask yourself, If you were on the receiving end how would you want to be treated. You need to do what’s right for you at the end of the day. Relationships are hard enough, but at the end of the day, you also both need to be happy. 😊

EmmaDilemma5 · 15/12/2022 06:19

When you have kids, they become an equal part in the family. Breaking up is a big step and it will affect the children so don't do it lightly.

What help have you already sought? Have you worked with your husband to improve the sex? Do you know what you actually want?

Why are your expectations so high? Do you know other long term couples (with kids) who have amazing sex?

I think your expectations are off. You didn't just settle. It sounds like you chose a nice, supportive, responsible person to have a family with. That's already much more than lots of people do. So the spark has gone and you've drifted from each other... That's life. Relationships ebb and flow. Now is the time to do some work to come together.

EmmaDilemma5 · 15/12/2022 06:58

peaceandove · 12/12/2022 12:16

Marrying someone when you don't have the spark would feel just like marrying a good friend? That's enough for many people but would never have been enough for me. I already had plenty of friends so didn't see the point in marrying to just acquire another one. I wanted something more passionate and more intimate than just friendship.

But you must realise there will be other things in your relationship that is lacking? As no relationship is perfect.

My friend has amazing sex with her husband still. But he's lazy and does hardly any housework.

Another has a husband and they get on really well but he keeps amassing debt, putting them in financial risk every few years.

No relationship is perfect, they take compromise and work.

thewayround · 15/12/2022 07:01

EmmaDilemma5 · 15/12/2022 06:58

But you must realise there will be other things in your relationship that is lacking? As no relationship is perfect.

My friend has amazing sex with her husband still. But he's lazy and does hardly any housework.

Another has a husband and they get on really well but he keeps amassing debt, putting them in financial risk every few years.

No relationship is perfect, they take compromise and work.

Show quote history

That PP wasn’t remotely implying her relationship was perfect!

Her point was that she wanted something more passionate and intimate in her marriage than simply a good friendship

liarliarshortsonfire · 15/12/2022 07:19

I've always found the spark disappears after the initial honeymoon persons ends. I've never found a person that i could hold onto that with. That said my dh is an amazing person and we have a lot in common and get on very well so it doesn't matter. For me it's more important to be intimate in lots of different ways. Holding hands, having a cuddle on the sofa or in bed, rubbing my feet whilst watching the telly. I couldn't do without that. I think the spark turns into that side of things and that is needed in a long term relationship