Married 17 years but never had that sexual spark with DH

[7tgu467g]

Both in our early 40s, been married for 17 years. DH is very attractive but even when we first got together there just wasn't the compatibility in the bedroom. To me he always just came across as quite wooden and we never clicked. However, we used to really connect in other ways so I sort of overlooked it. I had lived with other partners before DH so in a way I know its us rather than men and me in general.

Fast forward to now and we have each changed and have less in common etc and things are definitely fraying badly at the seams. Not really had much of a sex life since DC four years ago now. DH wants to stay together because of DC but I was wondering whether if we had had that initial sexual spark it would help us ride out the fact that by now we're just quite different people esp. since having DC. Obviously can't unmade the last 17 years but also not sure how to move forward beside resigning myself to both of us unhappily muddling along till kids leave home

I think you were mad to marry somebody you weren’t sexually attracted to. However, you say he is attractive and fit, a good parent and he wants to stay with you. It sounds like perhaps you could benefit from trying to relate to each other more before throwing it away. The grass isn’t greener in most cases.

Not sure muddling along “until kids leave home” sounds great, tbh. Have your kids not noticed that their parents don’t seem to get on very well any more?

I’m sure mutual sexual enjoyment would help your relationship now, but I don’t think having once had sexual compatibility would help if you no longer enjoyed having sex together, and who’s to say both of you would still be enjoying sex with each other now you no longer have anything else in common? He might have gone off you, or you might have gone off him - who knows?!

So, really, you just need to ask yourself whether you are going to divorce and when to do it, or whether you still have hopes of getting closer to each other and spending the rest of your lives together. Stop wondering if you would be asking yourself a different question in a different situation.

Oh, and of course, not wanting the same things for the children won’t change if you separate. Tbh, separating does not actually sound like it will relieve any pressure on your life whatsoever, as it won’t remove pressure of elderly parents, or work, or disagreements over children, just make it all infinitely more stressful.

This!

He sounds like a nice guy. Could you find that spark now? Try to spice up your sex life now? Do things together?

My DH and I have never had the common ground of working in same industry etc. in fact we’ve not got much in common at all if you look at like that, but we’re still together over 30 years later.

I suppose the question you have to ask yourself is what's the most important to you? As we often say, you can't have everything. No relationship is perfect. Many will say sex is crucial to a marriage, but that's just a belief. Others won't see sex as being as important as say, kindness or shared interests.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to leave my husband and have a passionate fling with a hot man, but then I think what would I be giving up?

It doesn’t sound like any of the issues you’re currently experiencing would be fixed by splitting up, so in your shoes I’d be doing anything I could to start bringing that friendship element back.

counselling, more connection time (date nights, trying new things, adults only trips etc.)

your child is still young, and tbh I know I’ll get jumped on here for saying this but growing up with separated parents isn’t fun, it’s not nice and does impact you. I’d avoid that at all costs, and from what you’ve posted it’s not nearly ‘bad’ enough to put a child through the mess that is coparenting (imo of course)

To answer a few question - when we first got together we had lots in common and as I said I think he's good looking, it just never really worked well in the sack so to speak. By now, there is zero physical contact of any kind. I reckon it's been at least two or three years since there has been any contact of any kind - hand holding, kissing or sex or anything at all. The kids are still little and are rubbish sleepers so we dont even sleep in the same room.

It's just hard because I cant fault him with the kids etc. The reason he stays - is that he thinks I would be a crap single mum so he stays for the kids. In my case, I guess I could leave the house but I cant afford to rent on my own with the kids etc so currently staying put. Essentially it feels like day to day we're project managers of our family - most of our chat is about that, we dont spend anytime together otherwise. Once the kids are in bed - either I go to sleep same time as them, work or go out to see my friends. Once or twice a week we chat about life admin - sadly we are increasingly at odds about what we should be doing - so even basic stuff like what do we do for kids' school holidays, what are we doing on the weekends etc takes ages. In fact, the reality is that am now just planning stuff for us because he doesnt seem to care or engage much.

I think a big difference is that since we've been back in the UK - DH has found everything too much i.e. both working full time, two primary school age kids and elderly parents two of whom now need a lot a lot of support. So DH is just overwhelmed and doesnt want to engage with much. Ideally he would love to leave London, go part time and step away from a lot of the responsibility. In my case, I see it as we have to soldier on, it's just a tough stage of life, and I think semi-retiring somewhere else in the UK on very little money is not the solution to our problems. Where we used to live abroad - we had lots of money, our parents were obviously overseas so didnt take up too much time and had only one kid.

So perhaps people are right that even if we had the initial sexual spark - things would still be the same way now. I was just thinking whether those couples who do have time find it easier to get through life's ups and downs

@Claireintheclouds of course it impacts children. I think some people don't like to admit this or argue against to make themselves feel better about ending their own marriages.
At any age, it will impact children. Some people suggest leaving when the children are young. My 3 year old would find it very confusing.
It's not nice for kids at any age.

I agree that sex is more important to some people than others. I would place kindness, mutual respect, reliability and friendship above sex in my priorities for a long term relationship - I would never stay in a relationship where only the sex worked, but would stay in a relationship that involved children where I felt my partner was kind, reliable, respected me, and we still managed to make time to have experiences together which we both enjoyed, whether that’s going to the theatre or cinema, out for meals, music concerts, sporting events, reading the same books and talking about them, going for walks - it doesn’t matter, so long as you don’t have nothing in common.

It even impacts the children after they have left hone.

Unfortunately many on here take the view that kids split between two happier homes is better, when on the most part they think that to make themselves feel better.

Yes being in a 5/10 marriage isn’t ideal, but the OP has been fine with it for a long time

@Claireintheclouds

op should not stay with her husband just for
the sake of the kids
absolutely not
loads of kids have separated parents- they’ll be fine

Most want more for their kids than ‘fine’

Considering you don’t have any or have any plans to have any your opinion on this is a bit meaningless too

@7tgu467g I don’t know what to suggest. It is easy to drift apart and stop trying. Making a marriage last really is often about how you deal with change. You don’t have to like the same things but you do really need the same or close core values. You don’t have to do everything together. The problem is, too, that you start withdrawing in case you get hurt, so you end up in a bit of a vicious circle. You could try working on different aspects e.g work on bedroom comms for a few weeks, work on ‘date nights’ or doing a specific thing once a week together. One thing is for sure, if you aren’t both willing to do that, things can't carry on as they are. Perhaps trying will help you decide either way. Counselling doesn’t have to have the goal of staying together but to help you make a decision and come to terms with it. Good luck.

I'll be controversial and say that I think a lot of marriages, spark or no spark, involve long periods of just muddling along together. I suspect there are a lot more companionate relationships than people let on about, because orthodoxy has it that regular sex is vital for a healthy marriage and no one wants to be the sad sack whose sex life dwindled a few years into a relationship.

In a way, sex and spark are a red herring. What is it you like about your husband that held you together for more than a decade before having children? Have the shared interests waned as a result of having children? I have a friend who used to go running and triathloning with her DH before children. Not easy with two small kids. Is this a stage that you'll get through?

Is there someone else you have in mind who does spark you? You had earlier sparky relationships. Why did you end up with your DH?

@Claireintheclouds

you have no idea as to whether or not I have kids, or want them or not, or anything.

and what’s the alternative? Stay in an unhappy marriage cos of the kids?? Life is too short to sacrifice yourself like that. And the kids will be fine.

@LuckySantangelo35
Well yes, there are alot of kids out there with separated parents. I teach many, and actually I've come across a great many situations in the last few years where the child's mental health has been affected as a result of divorce or messy home situations due to break ups/new boyfriends etc.
Define 'fine'.

Oh but I do, you post about it quite a lot and have done so over at least the past year from when I rejoined the site.

The kids won’t be ‘fine’ it’s well documented that splitting between two homes is not ‘fine’ for children, it’s also not usually ‘fine’ for parents who are used to and enjoy 100% time with their kids to then go long periods without them.

@pattihews there is definitely no one else. I think having had two long term live in relationships that had spark before DH - it sort of taught me that just because you have the spark, it doesnt mean that it will work out. So I guess with DH it was the opposite so to speak.

I think it's now that the companion bit that is no longer working that I wonder whether it's worth it. Or whether having the spark would have helped us to stay closer as a couple even as we disagree on where to live, how to manage kids/elderly parents etc

@Claireintheclouds

again - you don’t know anything about me.

and OP….oh well OP, Claire says you have to stay with your husband for the sake of the kids. Pipe down OP - your needs and wants count for nothing according to Claire.

Well I know you don’t have children and you’ve mentioned multiple times you don’t plan on having any. Mostly on the childless friend posts that crop up.

Nothing I have posted is wrong, so not sure why you take issue with someone factually posting you don’t have children - when you don’t.

It’s therefore odd to have such strong opinions on topics you have no idea about. But that seems to be your MO on here - especially the over eating teenage boy threads, you’re quick to comment on those despite not having and never being a teenage boy

@Claireintheclouds

well you see Claire the beauty of a forum
such as this is that everyone can express an opinion on whatever matter is talked about.
You know what else too - people all have different opinions on things!
Great eh? 😊

Yup, still doesn’t explain why you claimed I don’t know anything about you when the only two comments made about you are factually true.

Very peculiar

From reading your longer post, I think you sound like you are both in the rut that so many people find themselves in at that time of life. Children and parents eat up all your time. Life is never fun, always gruelling, always pragmatic. You start to look for an escape - he thinks it's a quieter life in the country - you think it's splitting up. In that respect you are both wanting the same thing but coming at it from different angles.

It is hard but essential at this time of life to claw back some time together as a couple and learn how to have fun together again. Book a baby sitter at least once a week and do things together that you used to enjoy. DH and i started going to gigs together and then the theatre, We'd stopped doing that for years - no time, no money, SEN DS2 couldn't be left with sitters. Then we decided we'd risk it - risk the expense, risk a sitter having trouble with DS2. We found a couple of sitters that just 'got' him. We found ourselves chatting not about DC and parents but about great gigs, plays we'd loved, what to do next. Gradually our life as a couple returned.

It also helps to have some fun domestic projects together - redcorating or taking DC out for the day.

Be sympathetic to him feeling ground down. Be supportive. He sounds like a nice bloke. He wants out of the rat race, so why not surprise him with a family day out into the country or to the sea. Take warm clothes, blankets, plenty of hot soup and hot chocolate. Go somewhere nearby. Have a couple of hours fun. Pile back into the car playing his favourite music out loud. Doing stuff like this for each other shows love and respect and creates joy.

I do that for DH. He does it for me. We feel like a team. I grind my teeth at living in the country. Next thing I know he has organised a day out in London. He feels hemmed in, working from home. I put together a picnic and boot him out of the house on a work day for a wlak in the woods at lunch time. Just...put a bit of effort into appreciating each other, being interested in each other at this stage of life, making short and long term plans to have fun together. fuyn is way underestimated in marriage. It keeps marriage alove.

Sounds like he had good qualities. But it's your life so up to you.

Grass isn't always greener as a single mum