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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Married 17 years but never had that sexual spark with DH

110 replies

7tgu467g · 10/12/2022 08:16

Both in our early 40s, been married for 17 years. DH is very attractive but even when we first got together there just wasn't the compatibility in the bedroom. To me he always just came across as quite wooden and we never clicked. However, we used to really connect in other ways so I sort of overlooked it. I had lived with other partners before DH so in a way I know its us rather than men and me in general.

Fast forward to now and we have each changed and have less in common etc and things are definitely fraying badly at the seams. Not really had much of a sex life since DC four years ago now. DH wants to stay together because of DC but I was wondering whether if we had had that initial sexual spark it would help us ride out the fact that by now we're just quite different people esp. since having DC. Obviously can't unmade the last 17 years but also not sure how to move forward beside resigning myself to both of us unhappily muddling along till kids leave home

OP posts:
belowfrozen · 15/12/2022 08:53

The truth is that life with tel kids two full time jobs and two sets of aging parents is very tough. It's often drudgery.

thewayround · 15/12/2022 08:58

belowfrozen · 15/12/2022 08:53

The truth is that life with tel kids two full time jobs and two sets of aging parents is very tough. It's often drudgery.

Indeed but in this case there seems to have been very little of substance before life got hectic to see them through the difficult times

no spark and only I think it used to be ok enough esp. before having kids.

lafillette · 15/12/2022 09:03

LadyQuill71 · 15/12/2022 06:11

I think it’s well worth a heart to heart with your partner before doing anything you can’t take back. Having been on the receiving end for something similar last year I was thrown away like rubbish and my partner didn’t even have the decency to talk things through or try to fix things. He was just plain selfish. This was very hard and frustrating to be completely ignored and treated with such disrespect. Couples do drift apart, that’s inevitable, especially if the relationship is one sided with one making more effort than the other, or one person thinking they’re needs are more important than the other. Life is never rosy all of the time. It’s a partnership at the end of the day and you owe each other the respect to talk things through and exhaust all options before acting hastily. When it’s one sided, its very hard for the other person to accept and to process, even though they may already be aware of issues. It’s also easier for some people to be open and honest and talk, but some people find it difficult to do this. That said, there is no point being miserable, if that’s what you truly are, it makes you sad, lonely and bitter, to the point, that little things that niggle you now, will snowball. An open and honest heart to heart conversation is surely worth a try ? It wasn’t given to me and that has been the hardest thing to deal with and make sense of. Ask yourself, If you were on the receiving end how would you want to be treated. You need to do what’s right for you at the end of the day. Relationships are hard enough, but at the end of the day, you also both need to be happy. 😊

This strikes a cord with me because I did exactly what your DH did to you for the same reasons that the OP is considering leaving. You are right, it is selfish and I will always feel guilty about it and it is not how I would want to be treated myself, but I am so much happier now. I had been married for 20 years to a nice man who I got together with on the rebound out of a previous marriage where I had been badly hurt and deceived. I went for a safe secure option, thought life was passing me by and got pregnant very quickly. If that hadn’t happened we might have drifted after a few years, who knows. We had many good years together but if I am honest I never really fancied him and as the years went on that didn’t improve. I went through the motions physically for the latter part of the marriage which was wrong I know and we both knew there were issues but ignored them as everything else was ticking over - nice house, financially secure etc. We were a little different in outlook on life and that started to become an issue - he is a glass half empty and I am the opposite and that started to get me down, also the constant moaning. We disagreed how to deal with the kids too (older teenagers) and more. I started to think there was something wrong with me physically causing me to have no sex drive and my ex encouraged that view. Anyway, very unexpectedly a very old boyfriend got in touch and just talking to him made me realise that I still had a libido, wanted to have good sex again and wasn’t prepared to go through the rest of my life without it. That also highlighted the other issues with the relationship. I left very suddenly, it was a terrible shock for ex DH, I am very sorry that I hurt him so much but he quite quickly met someone else who he lives with and I bet he is more fulfilled now too. I certainly am in every way and am living with the old boyfriend, looking forward to the future again, even though I am less financially secure. My kids were older but it has affected them nevertheless, the younger one more - 18 at the time. I was selfish yes but there was also an element bravery to do it. For me having proper intimacy in a relationship is what elevates it beyond a friendship and that is important to me I realised, but everyone is different.

Same1977 · 15/12/2022 09:20

Finding a good guy you like as a person is tough.Finding good sex is not.Saddly often those don't go hand in hand.I used to have really good sex life with my boyfriend but now it's been years since we have been together and we have had a baby.Familiarity isn't the best thing for the desire .We are getting married soon and we are getting there making the spark come back.He is a wonderful father and my best friend and I would not create a mess of my daughters family life to simply go find someone whose clothes i want to rip off. Even if I found them after some time it dies down and you get into rut.Thats long term relationship for you.Grass isn't always greener.Every single friend of mine says dating is rough...

MiaAntonia · 28/12/2022 14:42

It is common for a married couple to experience bedroom boredom after a few years of marriage. In your case, you mention that the spark was non-existent from the beginning, and probably sex was an obligation, rather than a pleasure.

You are clear that things were different during your premarital sex life, and simply, as you say, you and hubby did not click sexually.

Probably he is passive sexually and many men are. Men are interested in sex, even the passive ones, more than women are. And these men have to be provoked to have sex. My hubby is passive, and with his passivity, if I leave it up to him, he would bed me, once or at most twice or three times a week. I want sex daily, so I provoke him, verbally and physically to get the sex I want.

How was he before you met? His previous relationships. What does excite him sexually? Did you ever discuss your likes and dislikes sexually? Fantasies? Does he masturbate? Do you? Before and now? Have you ever tried to provoke him sexually? Many women have the attitude and believe that "he has to start it."

A therapist would have certainly helped, especially that you were attracted to him, and certainly loved him, and assuming that he loved you and had no physical constraints.

You are still young, and in your "sexual prime," and it is not too late to bring a spark in your life. I am sure if you both love one another, and if you understand each other, you can be guided to rejuvenate your relationship with him, sexual in particular.

Someonenewagain · 28/12/2022 15:08

I will throw my hat into the ring.

I’ve been you. I am you.
my partner is great. We have a good life that suits us both. We are very comfortable. He’s a good dad. He loves me and our family. He’s a good looking guy.
Do I love him? Yes, do I fancy him? No
is he rubbish in bed? Yes
he always has been. Have I tried ‘telling him’ he’s crap? No, I’m not into that, I don’t want to give someone a lesson and I don’t actually believe you can teach someone ‘feel’ it’s like rhythm, you either have it or you don’t.
We’ve been together many years. I’ve had plenty of partners and I (used) to massively enjoy sex and being wild in the bedroom. But never with him.

But would I have wanted to set up home and have a child with any of the great shags I’ve had?. No. Not for a second. Don’t get me wrong, some of them I even thought I loved, but ultimately they couldn’t give me what I wanted out of life and I’m afraid for me that massively outweighed fanny flutters. So they had to go. I wasn’t going to not have the life I wanted for a great shag. I decided that as a teenager.

my situation is a little different to yours obviously, but from what single friends in their 30’s and 40’s tell me, the dating world is absolutely brutal, so I’d think long and hard before you make a lifelong decision.

good luck.

Zanatdy · 28/12/2022 15:15

I had two children with my ex in this situation. I never fancied him, we started as friends and he persued me even though he knew I didn’t see him that way. I slept with him when I was drunk and did start to see him differently, and I thought he was such a nice guy that the sexual spark wouldn’t matter so much. So wrong. I stayed single over 10yrs after splitting with him. Recently started dating someone and the sexual spark is intense and it’s made me realise how stupid it was thinking it would work long term when no sexual spark.

MyDogStoodOnABee · 26/04/2023 13:51

7tgu467g · 10/12/2022 08:59

I think it used to be ok enough esp. before having kids. But since then there have been quite a few changes in our lives - we moved countries, he no longer work in my industry - i.e. we are less able to talk shop in ways we used to, had kids, so the 'friends' bit functions a lot less well. For example, since coming back to the UK we clearly want very different things when it comes to our kids, careers, how best to do things. It's hard - he is a nice guy and the classic attractive type over 6 foot, still has a six pack and does 50/50 with the kids. So on the surface, he's great. But we want different things in our lives now and I just never wanted to shag him all that much. It sounds really harsh. Not sure what a counsellor can say - we cant exactly go back to regaining the spark that for me was never there in the first place. We also cant go back to wanting the same things - it was fine abroad when we could create a compromise but we live in London and things are a lot more intense with jobs, kids, elderly parents.

Adult relationships are so hard, you got to get really lucky to have everything

You mean you settled?

ClareBlue · 23/07/2023 03:30

Claireintheclouds · 10/12/2022 10:40

Unfortunately many on here take the view that kids split between two happier homes is better, when on the most part they think that to make themselves feel better.

Yes being in a 5/10 marriage isn’t ideal, but the OP has been fine with it for a long time

And seperating rarely means the kids have two happy homes or the tensions between their parents evaporates. It just adds all the resentment of coparenting into the mix. And the wonderful sex life they were seeking is curtailed by the toxic dating scene, not being able to bring strange men into the house, only having one night free a week to meet men who have no emotional connection or interest in the children or your life. Financial stress of running 2 hiuses kills all the ability to enjoy the new found opportunities.
But, hey, two happy separated parents is so much better for the children.

ClareBlue · 23/07/2023 03:42

Sorry this is a zombie thread

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