Married 17 years but never had that sexual spark with DH

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Both in our early 40s, been married for 17 years. DH is very attractive but even when we first got together there just wasn't the compatibility in the bedroom. To me he always just came across as quite wooden and we never clicked. However, we used to really connect in other ways so I sort of overlooked it. I had lived with other partners before DH so in a way I know its us rather than men and me in general.

Fast forward to now and we have each changed and have less in common etc and things are definitely fraying badly at the seams. Not really had much of a sex life since DC four years ago now. DH wants to stay together because of DC but I was wondering whether if we had had that initial sexual spark it would help us ride out the fact that by now we're just quite different people esp. since having DC. Obviously can't unmade the last 17 years but also not sure how to move forward beside resigning myself to both of us unhappily muddling along till kids leave home

Ah, I see. So not just the loss of the mutual activities and interests, but a growing gap between what each of you want. That makes sense. Yes, if you fancy the pants off your partner it does help bridge that gap.

I suspect yours isn't a particularly unusual situation. I see children shuttling backwards and forwards between separated parents, having to deal with each parent's new girlfriends and boyfriends, and I can't imagine how hard that is for them to deal with. So I might choose to stay for the children unless the atmosphere between you became tense and toxic. But each of us is different.

What could your DH do to make things better?

Especially a single mum who from what it sounds like isn’t financially able to cope alone

Do you both want to try to rekindle a connection? If your not even holding hands or cuddling that’s not about not having a spark it’s about not having a connection. Do you envisage this as a friendship long term? Does your partner still desire you? My feeling is that yes this time is really hard and you have to dig deep and be really honest. When you get to this point in your life sex does become much less, rare even, however what is more troubling is where there is no affection or attempts to reach out to each other. Can you try? Do you both want to?

Op, if the pair of you have it in you to feel and express affection toward one another, to warm things up a bit, you will feel less confused. He’s become a practical colleague in your home, and you could try baby steps toward a loving friendship. Then take it from there. Honestly, having small children etc it’s so easy and common for relationships to diminish to the level of purely practical.
how about a simple daily excercise of saying three appreciative / affectionate things to each other each evening and trying a hug too.

Do you like your husband? Do you want the marriage to work? Because you make it sound as though your only options are splitting up or powering through until the kids are older, but actually given you think he’s a good person and attractive, I do think you could build back a better relationship if you were both really willing to put some work into it.

OP do you want this marriage to work? I don’t think I’ve seen you say whether that is your preferred outcome or not, and I think that is ultimately the crucial bit of missing info

Has everyone missed where the OP said that the husband only wants to stay together because he thinks she would be a crap single mum? Doesn't sound like there's much love and respect there on his side. I know the bar is very low for what constitutes a "good man" on MN but I would be concerned about that in the OP's place.

Where does the OP say that?

Clear as day

The reason he stays - is that he thinks I would be a crap single mum so he stays for the kids

This marriage OP sounds devoid of passion, affection and, most importantly, any kind of love and kindness

So in terms of whether I like him - I think on the whole he is a good person and he is definitely very similar to my other friends in terms of what he wants out of life. The trouble is that am not sure that this is what I want which is the confusing bit. It also hasnt been helped by living abroad for so long and the UK having changed as much as it has.

Looking around me by now all of my friends from uni/school have left London, embraced having a nice house, going part time and focusing more on other things in life like kids, hobbies etc. But I dont want that. Despite I guess not being a super high earner (but still a professional on 65k with a job that has to be done in London) - I want to stay put, embrace what London has to offer (and be close to both our families) even if that is at the expense of living in a flat, having an hour's commute each way and another hour and half to our parents while trying to advance our careers. For me that is worth it but not for DH. So in a very weird way - I think at this stage of our lives - he would be a perfect husband for my closest friends but maybe not for me. Clearly our reaction to coming back to the UK in our circumstances - especially the UK that has changed so much over the last fifteen years is very very different. I don't think that I was anticipating it, which was probably short sighted of me.

And to the answer of why DH stays - yes, his exact words were - I dont want to leave the kids with you - you'd be crap at it on your own. So no I dont think he thinks much of me either.

Adult relationships are so hard- Yes they can be.
You got to get really lucky to have everything- That is because the everything panacea doesn't exist.

I think on the whole he is a good person

he doesn’t even to think you are “on the whole person”

op how on earth can you be under the same roof as someone who thinks this is lowly of you

@Goodgrief82 I guess because by now it's really not about what he thinks about me but about whether or not he picks up the kids so I can work late in the office, helps with getting them to clubs, elderly parents etc. As I said, we essentially mostly relate to each other as project managers. Yes, he might think that am crap but I guess we need each other in order to life to carry on as it is. I really have no idea how single parents in London manage everything unless they earn 6figure sums.

You could meet a man and have explosive sex and he could end up a right shithouse . You can always improve things in the bedroom area and get a spark . Hard finding good guys though

Oh just saw this.

Not sure it’s a sign of not being a good man to be honest. From what the OP has written I don’t think she’d be a good single mum either. Couldn’t afford it for a start

OP, before you beat yourself up, like other posters on here are so keen to do because it justifies their own choices (which tells you they're not as great as they think they are), remember that 17 years is a good innings and you could have done a hell of a lot worse. We are all human.

Living up to your user name here I see. Who hurt you?

also sexual slave? Ffs how offensive to the many women (and men, children etc.) who are genuinely kept in sexual slavery the world over

@TheAngryFeminist they don't have sex so this isn't the issue. Your other comments need a thread of their own!

OP Have you worked out the maths, could you do it alone?

I'm in the same position, I 'settled' as was in the last chance saloon, nothing in common, no sex, in London, unhappy but God knows how we'd both afford a place!

@Claireintheclouds I've seen nothing to say OP would not make a good single mum. The practical stuff can be worked on.

Have you had any feeling he is gay and using you to keep up the “family” image?

@FreshCop so once upon a time, yes I did consider it. However, I actually think he was ok with it. I think sex is often like a conversation right. With some people its just polite small talk whilst with others you feel a real connection. And originally the strange thing with us was that it was a real connection when we talked and interacted but not in the bedroom. No idea why. But we never quite connected but now the connection outside the bedroom is also lost