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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has emails from Match.com

213 replies

CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:14

Hi all, have name changed for this one as quite frankly it’s embarrassing! For the sake of this thread I will refer to husband as “DH” although he’s far from that.

Was getting the DC ready for school yesterday when DD handed me DH’s phone. I was reaching to put it on the bedside table and happened to glance down at the screen and see that he had an email from Match.com. Just for context I’ve never looked through his phone or felt the need to. Immediately my heart began to race for reasons that are obvious!

I waited until he had come back from dropping the kids off and confronted him about it. He acted confused and said “I don’t know why would I be on match.com? It’s a spam email.” I told him to pass me his phone so I could see if it was just spam as I feel I was entitled to look to see if what he was saying was true. I typed in “Match.com” in the search bar of his emails so I could scroll through.

There were lots of emails, most of them unopened but they all mentioned him by NAME! For example, Hi , you have two profile views. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I clicked on the link and it did in fact take me to the match.com login page. I told him to login and he claimed there’s nothing for him to login to. I continued to scroll through the emails in an attempt to find a potential email that would show if he had signed up but couldn’t find anything.

May I add whilst I was doing this he was berating me calling me “insecure” and “crazy” although I hadn’t gone fishing for anything nor suspected him of such a thing up until I happened to see the email. I feel I had the right to look as his wife because if I had emails from a dating website I am pretty sure he would have something to say. I felt like I was being gaslighted. As I had somewhere to be I left it at that and as for now he thinks I believe his version of events but I have a horrible feeling in my gut that there is so much more to uncover.

Wise users of Mumsnet please give me some advice! Am I crazy?

OP posts:
Torrennce · 09/12/2022 19:16

He wouldn't have emails that refer to him by name and cite a profile if he hadn't signed up

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:17

Torrennce · 09/12/2022 19:16

He wouldn't have emails that refer to him by name and cite a profile if he hadn't signed up

My thoughts exactly.

OP posts:
tenbob · 09/12/2022 19:17

can you not do a password reset using the email address and see if it comes through?

Greendoorsaremyfavourite · 09/12/2022 19:20

Could he have been on it before you met? I've had a quick search online & found lots of references to people receiving similar emails despite not having used it for years or never signing up at all. It could just be spam/phishing emails.

TheCurseOfBoris · 09/12/2022 19:21

He's definitely signed up at some stage.

figtrees · 09/12/2022 19:21

Go on to match and click forgotten password and have a reset email sent to his email address and then access it from there. Just be aware that logging in may automatically reactivate an inactive profile. Maybe look when to see if there's any sent or received messages which should indicate when it was last used.

Its worth mentioning, I had match emails for years after I had stopped using it. I think they make it really hard to fully remove your profile so it looks like they have more users. I believe they may also still email you even if you deactivate your profile, so you can't get messages from users but match try to tempt you back in with random spam! So it could possibly be innocent.

He definitely has an account you just need to figure out if it's been made since your have been together or decades ago.

electricdreaming · 09/12/2022 19:21

Greendoorsaremyfavourite · 09/12/2022 19:20

Could he have been on it before you met? I've had a quick search online & found lots of references to people receiving similar emails despite not having used it for years or never signing up at all. It could just be spam/phishing emails.

This would be my first thought too - how long have you been together? Although if he had a profile before you met which still existed but was inactive, surely he’d just say that? Sorry OP, it doesn’t look great.

electricdreaming · 09/12/2022 19:23

Also just to add - is match.com still popular? Most people use POF, tinder/bumble or some other app now don’t they? So an old account could be a reasonable explanation.

darkwinterdays · 09/12/2022 19:24

YANBU BUT, this did happen to me.

I have an email address which uses my name. It turns out I have several namesakes who don't understand how email addresses work. One of them, who is based in the US (whom I have had 'received' previous emails for), decided one NYE to sign up to about 6 dating sites using my email address. The next morning I had loads of 'matches' with 'my name' attached - it took some explaining and the fact they were US dating sites saved me.

So try a password reset and see if comes through. If it does change the password and take it from there. It's a long shot but it does happen.

karmaisacat · 09/12/2022 19:25

As others have said, I wondered if he could have been on it before you met. Was there anything before seeing this email that would have made you worry? Or anything in the way he answered that made you think he was lying?

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:25

Thank you all for your responses. For those suggesting it may be an old account I really doubt it. We have been together since we were in our teens and back then I don’t remember match.com being the thing people amongst our age group used to hookup.

OP posts:
Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:27

electricdreaming · 09/12/2022 19:23

Also just to add - is match.com still popular? Most people use POF, tinder/bumble or some other app now don’t they? So an old account could be a reasonable explanation.

The thing is, the fact it was “match.com” threw me off the most. I could have understood if it was as you said, tinder or bumble as that seems more relevant to the times.

OP posts:
Choconut · 09/12/2022 19:28

Why wouldn't he have said 'oh I was on it years ago but they still spam me' if that was the case.
His reaction and the fact that he is calling you crazy and insecure is what is most worrying to me here. He's not trying to get to the bottom of it or reassure you in any way. I'd be concerned that he's gas lighting you when he says you're crazy, I'd hazard a guess that you're not crazy at all and he's just trying to turn this back on you to take the heat off him.

Greendoorsaremyfavourite · 09/12/2022 19:28

Does his email address have his name in it? Someone with the same first name and similar email address could have used his address by mistake.
As someone else suggested, do a password reset using his email address & login.
Match.com is an old one though... I met my husband on there 10 years ago!

SheldonsShoulder · 09/12/2022 19:28

What choconut said.

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:29

@Choconut yes I agree totally! His response was full of so much anger that it actually made me doubt him even more.

OP posts:
TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 09/12/2022 19:31

I have never used OLD but could you create an account on there and see if you can find him? He may have deactivated or whatever or ask a friend to look. Appreciate you may not want to discuss with people in real life

Hope it's old stuff or spam...

electricdreaming · 09/12/2022 19:31

Is there a way of going on match.com and looking for his account? I know on tinder and other apps you can filter by location and would be able to find him - not sure how match.com works though. I think some dating sites also show you how recently someone’s account was active too, so that might be an option. If it was me, I’d either do that or try the email reset option, if you can still access his emails. But if he has made an account, he might know you’re onto him and be covering his tracks.

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:31

I will try the email reset at some point thank you everyone who suggested that. But I will wait until he doesn’t have his phone as I don’t want him to suspect that I am doing my due diligence and give him the chance to delete any “evidence” off his phone.

OP posts:
ItsOnlyNovember · 09/12/2022 19:33

If it walks like a duck.... it's a big gaslighting twat of a duck.

Sorry OP Flowers

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:34

I don’t actually know how match.com works, I’ve never done OLD. His name is also quite generic so I probably wouldn’t be able to find his profile anyway.

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 09/12/2022 19:35

If it was a genuine 'error' type of thing he would not have been calling you crazy and insecure.

This is a massive red flag.

I'd be creating my own dummy profile asap and looking for him on there. Sadly if you do this, I suspect you will find him on there.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 09/12/2022 19:36

CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:34

I don’t actually know how match.com works, I’ve never done OLD. His name is also quite generic so I probably wouldn’t be able to find his profile anyway.

You'd find him based on location

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 09/12/2022 19:36

You may see his pic though....we need some match.com experts

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:42

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor Yes it was the total overreaction from him that makes me suspect he is guilty. I didn’t come at him crazy or anything but of course my tone was accusatory because it’s not everyday your husband gets emails from a dating website!

OP posts: