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Original poster

Husband has emails from Match.com

213 replies

CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:14

Hi all, have name changed for this one as quite frankly it’s embarrassing! For the sake of this thread I will refer to husband as “DH” although he’s far from that.

Was getting the DC ready for school yesterday when DD handed me DH’s phone. I was reaching to put it on the bedside table and happened to glance down at the screen and see that he had an email from Match.com. Just for context I’ve never looked through his phone or felt the need to. Immediately my heart began to race for reasons that are obvious!

I waited until he had come back from dropping the kids off and confronted him about it. He acted confused and said “I don’t know why would I be on match.com? It’s a spam email.” I told him to pass me his phone so I could see if it was just spam as I feel I was entitled to look to see if what he was saying was true. I typed in “Match.com” in the search bar of his emails so I could scroll through.

There were lots of emails, most of them unopened but they all mentioned him by NAME! For example, Hi , you have two profile views. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I clicked on the link and it did in fact take me to the match.com login page. I told him to login and he claimed there’s nothing for him to login to. I continued to scroll through the emails in an attempt to find a potential email that would show if he had signed up but couldn’t find anything.

May I add whilst I was doing this he was berating me calling me “insecure” and “crazy” although I hadn’t gone fishing for anything nor suspected him of such a thing up until I happened to see the email. I feel I had the right to look as his wife because if I had emails from a dating website I am pretty sure he would have something to say. I felt like I was being gaslighted. As I had somewhere to be I left it at that and as for now he thinks I believe his version of events but I have a horrible feeling in my gut that there is so much more to uncover.

Wise users of Mumsnet please give me some advice! Am I crazy?

OP posts:
littleburn · 09/12/2022 19:44

OP I've used Match. If he's getting emails saying 'your profile has had x views' that can only be because he's set up a profile on there using that email address. Really sorry.

I don't think you need to see the profile to confirm anything more, and he'll most likely have deleted now he knows you're on to it. The anger is also very telling. I'm sure he'll try and minimise it by saying he was 'curious' or whatever, but the bottom line is he's on there looking for people and presenting himself as available.

Loics · 09/12/2022 19:45

As others have said, match.com seems a bit behind the times now, but it does sound suspicious. I've had spam emails from dating sites I've never used, but they've never addressed me by name!

CarefreeMe · 09/12/2022 19:53

It wouldn’t have been spam as it wouldn’t have named him.

It can’t be an old account from before you got together as he would have just said that.

It may have been one from a while back but whilst you were together - he’s probably going to use this as an excuse. He’ll admit it but say it was in the beginning of the relationship blah blah.

You could login but tbh he’ll probably completely delete it now.

I used to be on match.com and I barely get emails from them as I haven’t been on it for at least a year.
The fact that he’s got so many recent ones is worrying.

whatayear22 · 09/12/2022 19:54

If you don't want to wait, you could create a profile and search for men who fit his profile in your area, or where he works. You may need to take a few years off his age, he may be listed as single and it may be he's looking for a male meet rather than female so search both.

whatayear22 · 09/12/2022 19:55

CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:34

I don’t actually know how match.com works, I’ve never done OLD. His name is also quite generic so I probably wouldn’t be able to find his profile anyway.

I'd happily have a go if you want :D

whatayear22 · 09/12/2022 19:56

He may have changed his name anyhow

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:59

littleburn · 09/12/2022 19:44

OP I've used Match. If he's getting emails saying 'your profile has had x views' that can only be because he's set up a profile on there using that email address. Really sorry.

I don't think you need to see the profile to confirm anything more, and he'll most likely have deleted now he knows you're on to it. The anger is also very telling. I'm sure he'll try and minimise it by saying he was 'curious' or whatever, but the bottom line is he's on there looking for people and presenting himself as available.

Yes, I don’t think I would have any luck trying to find the profile anyway tbh!

OP posts:
Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 20:02

Thank you all for the responses they’ve been extremely helpful. I think I am going to have to look through his phone somehow when he’s not around because my gut is telling me that something is going on. And I need some actual evidence when I confront him because I won’t allow myself to be gaslighted this time.

OP posts:
glamourousindierockandroll · 09/12/2022 20:05

I've got loads of shite in my Junk Folder that has my name in the subject. Sexy ladies in my area, compensation, gambling offers, prizes i need to claim etc.

CarefreeMe · 09/12/2022 20:05

I think I am going to have to look through his phone somehow when he’s not around because my gut is telling me that something is going on. And I need some actual evidence when I confront him because I won’t allow myself to be gaslighted this time.

He will have deleted the evidence now.

If you don’t want to act on anything then just drop it and wait a few weeks.
He’ll be extra careful at first but if he thinks you trust him then he’ll soon start slipping up again.

GettingItOutThere · 09/12/2022 20:07

CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 20:02

Thank you all for the responses they’ve been extremely helpful. I think I am going to have to look through his phone somehow when he’s not around because my gut is telling me that something is going on. And I need some actual evidence when I confront him because I won’t allow myself to be gaslighted this time.

and now you have shown your hand. He will have time to clear everything before you snoop again

next time if hes playing away, gather your evidence before you go mad at him

dieselKiller · 09/12/2022 20:11

Was the email in his spam folder?
Is his email address [email protected]?
Or does he have an account on any site that has suffered a data breach?

Genuine spammers who have nothing to do with dating companies send out email that entices gullible people to click on it by saying that a dating profile has views or messages. It is trivial for spammers to associate real names with email addresses either by recognising the name within the email address itself or using data obtained from a data theft or leak.

The fact that you clicked the link and ended up on match.com, doesn’t show that the email came from match.com. Spammers will often redirect to the genuine site.

He might have a dating profile, but everything that you have said so far also matches up with just receiving unsolicited spam emails.

Soakitup37 · 09/12/2022 20:12

Hi Op, chronically single woman here. sigh

I’ve been on ALL the dating sites from tinder to the inner circle. Match I’ve signed up to, and paid for (horrible experience) … anyway I digress.

I haven’t been on match in many many years and still get emails about rejoining. If you never close your profile they keep them rolling, although on match iir, you view on the profile when they were last online/logged in. You can sign up for free, but what you can view is very limited.

with tinder and the likes again they keep your profile up unless you inactive it/delete it. You get spammed A LOT to be told you’ve got matches and people “waiting” to meet you. It could just mean someone viewed your profile. Some times i get told I gave 2 likes and the next day it’s 190. It’s all built on algorithms.

playing devils advocate, there’s a chance your DH signed up for free just out of curiosity, that still
doesnt excuse his behaviour but it doesn’t mean it’s a straight up case of him being active on the site. Once they have your email address they never leave you alone, so that much is true. I get “come back and get 50% off tinder gold” etc. making it sound like I’ve been on it recently but it’s just a spammed mailing list phishing for money at the end of the day.

If you feel that your relationship is good and otherwise sound, I could see how your husband would be flustered at explaining away something inherently true, it’s spam. But obviously only you can get to the bottom of it and I hope that’s all it is.

As I say, it’s not guilt-free but not impossible that a bit of boredom /morbid curiosity got the better of him. It’s up to him though to reassure you and be honest at this point.

Lovageandrose · 09/12/2022 20:16

He’s clearly using the account. It’s up to you if you want to stay with him, or drive yourself crazy looking though his accounts, or move on with some dignity left.

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 20:16

@Soakitup37 thank you for your response. DH is stingy and I do agree with you in thinking it was a case of maybe signing up not realising there are costs involved and then gave up. But it’s the fact that the intentions were there and his whole demeanour when I asked him about the email was very aggressive and off.

OP posts:
Tigger7654 · 09/12/2022 20:17

You said most of them unopened, if it was spam they'd ALL be unopened xx

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 20:18

@dieselKiller no it wasn’t in his spam folder but his primary messages.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 09/12/2022 20:19

Open your own account and have a look, you’ll find him.

OhmygodDont · 09/12/2022 20:20

I duno. I get emails from porn sites and dating sites saying “hey, ohmygoddont so and so is checking out your profile” or whatever. However ohmygoddont is my email address name not my actual name. So if his email is his name it could be spam/phishing. Have you checked the email is actually match and not some random. Like I get my Apple account being blocked from say a [email protected] but the name shows up as Apple support untill you click the email itself.

good96 · 09/12/2022 20:21

I’m afraid to say that he would have signed up to the site in order to get those emails.

C1N1C · 09/12/2022 20:22

Usually the emails have a username, so you could sign up with a quickie account and find it... or narrow down search criteria to something that would find him, e.g. location to a few miles, age range plus or minus a few years, etc etc

The password reset would work if you still have access to his email, but he's probably deleted it by now.

Not looking good, BUT there is a chance it's just an ego thing, looking for attention to see whether he's still got it.

Judge by cumulative actions. Secretive with phone, late nights, changed personality, etc etc

Soakitup37 · 09/12/2022 20:32

CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 20:16

@Soakitup37 thank you for your response. DH is stingy and I do agree with you in thinking it was a case of maybe signing up not realising there are costs involved and then gave up. But it’s the fact that the intentions were there and his whole demeanour when I asked him about the email was very aggressive and off.

Oh absolutely, he’s not out of jail free by any stretch but it could have been something he signed up for YEARS ago, which may place the reality of the situation somewhere different. I guess the only way to really find out is to view his profile. Ask him that and you’ll see when he was last online etc. (if you can find him without him knowing- the profile pic itself - if he even has one, will “date” when he was last using the site. If it were me I’d prob try and sign up and search for men in his age bracket and close proximity to you and it shouldn’t take long for him to pop up if he’s there. I’ll do it for you if you wanted.

Littleheart5 · 09/12/2022 20:34

Just to say- this happened to me!! I thought someone has signed me up and was really upset about it- but it was absolutely spam- I tried to reset the password and nothing ever came through! My name was spelt slightly off big enough that it was passable, I have them put in junk email and still get about 20 emails a week

Blowthemandown · 09/12/2022 20:36

tenbob · 09/12/2022 19:17

can you not do a password reset using the email address and see if it comes through?

@CluelesslyCurious this!
but remember there is a small chance someone else could have made him a profile as a joke without him knowing!

AllyArty · 09/12/2022 20:37

I think its safe to say that he created an account, the big question is when? If he created it before you were a couple then there is not much you can say. It could be that he created the account before you were an item and still got emails periodically and just opened one out of curiosity and that reactivated his account. But i'm sorry to say that judging by his reaction I don't think he is being truthful. If you can get his phone, check his what's app and take photos of any phone numbers and google them. Its an awful thing to suggest on some levels I know but the not knowing will destroy you. Trust your gut instinct.