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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband has emails from Match.com

213 replies

CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 19:14

Hi all, have name changed for this one as quite frankly it’s embarrassing! For the sake of this thread I will refer to husband as “DH” although he’s far from that.

Was getting the DC ready for school yesterday when DD handed me DH’s phone. I was reaching to put it on the bedside table and happened to glance down at the screen and see that he had an email from Match.com. Just for context I’ve never looked through his phone or felt the need to. Immediately my heart began to race for reasons that are obvious!

I waited until he had come back from dropping the kids off and confronted him about it. He acted confused and said “I don’t know why would I be on match.com? It’s a spam email.” I told him to pass me his phone so I could see if it was just spam as I feel I was entitled to look to see if what he was saying was true. I typed in “Match.com” in the search bar of his emails so I could scroll through.

There were lots of emails, most of them unopened but they all mentioned him by NAME! For example, Hi , you have two profile views. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I clicked on the link and it did in fact take me to the match.com login page. I told him to login and he claimed there’s nothing for him to login to. I continued to scroll through the emails in an attempt to find a potential email that would show if he had signed up but couldn’t find anything.

May I add whilst I was doing this he was berating me calling me “insecure” and “crazy” although I hadn’t gone fishing for anything nor suspected him of such a thing up until I happened to see the email. I feel I had the right to look as his wife because if I had emails from a dating website I am pretty sure he would have something to say. I felt like I was being gaslighted. As I had somewhere to be I left it at that and as for now he thinks I believe his version of events but I have a horrible feeling in my gut that there is so much more to uncover.

Wise users of Mumsnet please give me some advice! Am I crazy?

OP posts:
Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 21:21

AllyArty · 09/12/2022 21:17

I also meant to say that if you think he suspects that you don't believe him then make sure he can't see all these messages on here. He may take a look at your phone just to see what you have been looking at☺

Thank you for the suggestion will definitely keep that in mind. Although we haven’t mentioned it again and I have been behaving as I usually would do and so is he.

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 09/12/2022 21:21

No idea what the truth is but using Match of all websites to have a sneaky affair is a bizarre and inefficient choice.

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 21:23

SleeplessInEngland · 09/12/2022 21:21

No idea what the truth is but using Match of all websites to have a sneaky affair is a bizarre and inefficient choice.

I agree! It is bizarre!

OP posts:
Figgypuddingpiggyfudding · 09/12/2022 21:23

My husband and I met through Match years ago.

I've just looked through my emails and I can't find anything from them at all, even in spam. I disabled my account after we became official.

However if I did have an email from them and my husband questioned me, it wouldn't bother me (or him probably) as I definitely don't use it.

I'm not sure of the ins and outs but I'd certainly do more digging in your situation.

Courtjobby · 09/12/2022 21:24

About a decade ago someone signed my email up to match.com and obviously we had similar first names ( name is in email address). One day I started getting loads of random messages about me looking at my profile and getting matches ( they were in the United States!). Eventually I was able to get my email address removed

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 21:25

If it helps just before I handed him back his phone I did see that he had some social media apps on there that I hadn’t known about so I’m not sure if that means anything either. He even said as I was scrolling through the emails “if I was going to do anything like that it wouldn’t be on match.com” …

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 09/12/2022 21:26

There’s more to this OP but the evidence will be gone now!

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 21:26

Figgypuddingpiggyfudding · 09/12/2022 21:23

My husband and I met through Match years ago.

I've just looked through my emails and I can't find anything from them at all, even in spam. I disabled my account after we became official.

However if I did have an email from them and my husband questioned me, it wouldn't bother me (or him probably) as I definitely don't use it.

I'm not sure of the ins and outs but I'd certainly do more digging in your situation.

As a previous poster said I don’t know how I would react myself if I was questioned but I didn’t shout at him or anything I simply showed him his Home Screen which has the email on there and asked why he was getting emails from a dating website.

OP posts:
Courtjobby · 09/12/2022 21:28

This is exactly what happened to me too! I was so worried my boyf at the time would think I was cheating XD

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 21:28

PurpleFlower1983 · 09/12/2022 21:26

There’s more to this OP but the evidence will be gone now!

Oh I hope not! I really didn’t want to keep looking through the rest of his phone yesterday as he was being quite nasty as I scrolled through the emails! I don’t know if this was some tactic to get his phone back.

OP posts:
Mummadeze · 09/12/2022 21:28

I also started to look at Match.com once out of curiosity as to what single men my age would be like. It made me put a few details in and before I knew it, I had an account. They started emailing me too and I freaked out and managed to get my account deleted. But it wasn’t that easy. I wasn’t trying to cheat, I was just being nosey to be honest. I mean it isn’t ideal if he has been looking
but it doesn’t necessarily mean he is intending to
do more than that.

BestSelfBlah · 09/12/2022 21:28

This happened to me a couple of months ago. I have been in absolute hell from the epiphany that my husband is some sort of sex pest and from the lies and gaslighting he has subjected me to to protect his new hobby flirting online with and meeting up with similarly horrible women.

I'm so sorry, I know how you feel. Sending you strength.

Figgypuddingpiggyfudding · 09/12/2022 21:29

That's my point - if I had nothing to hide it wouldn't bother me if my husband said oh is that an email from match?

The reaction would make me worry. On top of everything else.

TheHateIsNotGood · 09/12/2022 21:29

Just a positive thought I'd add that there are a LOT of spam/scam emails out there at the moment that do address you by name. Sometimes you can tell which ones are scams if you can hover on the sender's email address without opening the email, but not always.

Bear in mind that most of these match.com emails haven't been opened so he's not actively searching nor being sneaky as he hasn't deleted them. Also that being angry at being accused of something is often a natural reaction to being falsely accused and the possible hurt that causes.

So forward the 'offending' emails to yourself (for further investigation) then mark them as Spam and Block Sender on DH's phone. Then be nice to him.
For now.

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 21:30

@BestSelfBlah thank you so much for the response, & sorry to hear you’ve been through that. Flowers

OP posts:
Courtjobby · 09/12/2022 21:30

ClaireandTed · 09/12/2022 21:13

This happened to me! I kept getting emails to my name saying women had been looking at my profile (and I'm a straight woman). I've never signed up.

I tried logging in but it kept failing - eventually I found out our internet had some security settings on it which meant dating sites didn't work!!! Anyway before I realised this I contacted the match help email address and they said they couldn't help because it was the American site. Eventually I found the details of the American help email address and they sorted it for me.

Basically someone must have set up the profile but I never got a chance to see the profile and have no idea why it was done! I'll see if I can find a copy of the message from Match after they had sorted it out.

Sorry I was meant to be quoting this , when I said this is exactly what happened to me too! Except in my case it was men

SouperNoodle · 09/12/2022 21:33

It definitely sounds dodgy af but now he knows your onto him, it'll give him a chance to delete anything incriminating.
Act like all if fine and give it a while and start looking for clues

Courtjobby · 09/12/2022 21:33

Littleheart5 · 09/12/2022 20:34

Just to say- this happened to me!! I thought someone has signed me up and was really upset about it- but it was absolutely spam- I tried to reset the password and nothing ever came through! My name was spelt slightly off big enough that it was passable, I have them put in junk email and still get about 20 emails a week

There's a few of us!

MarshmallowsOnToast · 09/12/2022 21:34

Phone being on flight mode would worry me even more.

It's on so that no notifications or app messages pop up as it won't be connected to the internet. That's the only reason I can think of..

Original poster
CluelesslyCurious · 09/12/2022 21:34

I am feeling conflicted now as quite a few of you seem to have received spam from match.com! At some point I will try to screenshot the email and upload on here and maybe someone could tell me what they think?

OP posts:
BestSelfBlah · 09/12/2022 21:36

Thank you @CluelesslyCurious.

Feel free to PM me for pointers. I have spent ages digging and you may as well benefit from my knowledge of what I should have done!

He has also been having an on/off emotional (and probable sexual) affair with the same woman for the duration of our marriage. It's been the worst few months of my life and some days I don't want to wake up at all.

Anyway: my advice is to try and find out if he has been using Dayuse hotels - look at the website. Check his bank statements.
He may well have Kik app for messaging women. Check any apps that look like a calculator (hidden apps).

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2022 21:36

Now that this has happened it reminds me of something I noticed a few months back. I had noticed that when he was spending time with me in the evening when the kids were asleep, his phone was put on aeroplane mode. That’s not something he’s ever done before.

Yeah, that's dodgy as fuck.

wickedstepmothfker · 09/12/2022 21:38

electricdreaming · 09/12/2022 19:31

Is there a way of going on match.com and looking for his account? I know on tinder and other apps you can filter by location and would be able to find him - not sure how match.com works though. I think some dating sites also show you how recently someone’s account was active too, so that might be an option. If it was me, I’d either do that or try the email reset option, if you can still access his emails. But if he has made an account, he might know you’re onto him and be covering his tracks.

This is a good idea as a lot of these sites say “Last online X days or X hours ago”

Gh12345 · 09/12/2022 21:39

I think he’s probably telling the truth. He’s let you through his phone, Match.com is hardly a site used by men to cheat.

flyingnewbie · 09/12/2022 21:39

Have you looked at the actual email address to see if it's the genuine Match.com address, or just a spam one? I've never had dating site emails but I always get ones from 'Paypal' that look genuine until I hover over the sender and see that it's either a strange name or just jumbled up letters, and therefore not really Paypal.