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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be utterly sick of this maddeningly nonsensical bit of corporate wankspeak?

573 replies

MossyOilTank · 09/12/2022 19:00

What is with the phrase "the piece" ... for example, "it's the piece around engagement with stakeholders" ... "the piece on communicating key messages" ... "the piece about maximizing outputs". IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

OP posts:
Notsogoodhousekeeping · 09/12/2022 20:25

Fucking “reflections”. Our lot can’t have a company-wide call without ten minutes of directors’ reflections. It’s now infected team meetings too and I have to bite my tongue to stop myself telling them to get a fucking move on because we’re swamped with work and I couldn’t give a shit about their self-indulgent wittering.

NiceParkingSpotRitaThanksJanet · 09/12/2022 20:26

'Moving forward' is my pet hate.

"And what will that look like moving forward" FUCK OFF

Elerandooo · 09/12/2022 20:28

RaraRachael · 09/12/2022 19:06

There's so much of this meaningless shit around -

deep dives
due diligence

Oh Deep Dives and Due Diligence are my absolute faves 🙄

MarthanotMarfa · 09/12/2022 20:28

Verticals. Bloody verticals. What’s wrong with a team or department. But no.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 09/12/2022 20:28

I give you granularity

WhippetyWhop · 09/12/2022 20:29

GoslingsWindowCleaner · 09/12/2022 19:20

@Shockhorror22 mine 'hops' onto his calls.

And on the subject of calls, when did company-wide meetings become 'all-hands'? Pretending to be sailors doesn't make them any less boring

Oh is that what it means??

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/12/2022 20:29

TheLette · 09/12/2022 20:11

"please describe the mood music around xyz topic" arrghgghggggg no there is no mood music; I will not describe it

I suspect that the underscore (because these people are idiots and have no knowledge of the correct terminology) at work is composed by Nino Rota/Carmine Coppola and blends seamlessly into diegesis via Guns 'n' Roses & Rage Against The Machine. With an occasional foray into Pink Floyd - One of My Turns - when particular wankspeak twats in the Senior Team crack on with their attempts to obfuscate when the shit hits the fan.

TakeMeToKernow · 09/12/2022 20:30

At the end of the financial year, I have to contribute to producing both a bridge AND a waterfall.

Justanotherlurker · 09/12/2022 20:31

We recently had a new PM who wanted to make a mark in our firm.

She wanted to lead a our weekly catch up (all senior engineers) and her opening line was paraphrasing

We need to move forward with our new project to make it an all-in-one solution that is API Friendly and DR proof so it will be frictionless to move it into the cloud to future proof the company for years to come.

I feel a bit sorry for her but she clearly doesn't understand the industry despite apparently having worked in it for years and is full of typical 'lets take it offline', 'think outside the box' and 'give it 110%' bollox, she won't last and I have moved her off my projects already.

Tuilpmouse · 09/12/2022 20:31

TakeMeToKernow · 09/12/2022 20:30

At the end of the financial year, I have to contribute to producing both a bridge AND a waterfall.

But does it "wash its face"? 🤮

Stigsmother · 09/12/2022 20:32

How about "in flight customers"
Actually current benefit claimant's
🙄

Pebbles16 · 09/12/2022 20:32

But @Herejustforthisone the invite (short for invitation) is a noun and to invite is a verb

DeathBy1000PipeCleaners · 09/12/2022 20:32

'Going forward' was often used by my old supervisor to mean 'in future.' We can't exactly go back in time, can we, Gareth

keepyertrapshut · 09/12/2022 20:33

Willmafrockfit · 09/12/2022 19:16

journey

Journey is a legitimate, technical term in my line of work!

This thread just goes to show how varied language in the workplace is.

808Kate1 · 09/12/2022 20:33

@Keylimewhy Oh give over, it's a lighthearted thread.

TheYummyPatler · 09/12/2022 20:33

All the spatialising of things is not some sort of useful, industry-specific language. It’s just waffle.

I’ve got a PhD in (the wankier end of) geography. My tolerance for abusing the word space is extremely high. Even then, I roll my eyes as I sit in meetings and listen to people witter on about ‘the X space’ in ways that are just beyond meaningless.

I can live with the never ending well of stupid terms associated with agile - I can even go along with warnings about solutionising - but I lose the will to live when people start talking about ‘the digital space’ in utterly meaningless ways.

JessicaBrassica · 09/12/2022 20:34

Offer was my bugbear. The retail offer . It's a shop. The leisure offer is a swimming pool. Why can't we call it what it is?

TakeMeToKernow · 09/12/2022 20:34

In defence of some of this wank speak, some of it is not to impress higher ups, but to stop some delicate flowers from going off in the massive strop that they would if you said to them what you honestly meant.

momlette · 09/12/2022 20:34

Salvia89 · 09/12/2022 19:32

My manager has a “daily drumbeat” with other managers over an important piece of work we’re all currently working on. Kill me

Oh good lord that is seriously fucking appalling. What in the name of all things percussive are they thinking of. Cringe 😬

SnowlayRoundabout · 09/12/2022 20:34

YANBU. The wanker who was my most useless employer ever was constantly going on things being "across the piece". We reached the point when we banned it from meeting bingo because whoever had it on their list was bound to win. Neither he nor anyone else knew what he meant.

Original poster
MossyOilTank · 09/12/2022 20:35

Keylimewhy · 09/12/2022 20:05

As usual with this type of thread, 90% of posters end up looking like idiots for thinking something is corporate wank speech when they just don’t understand what it means, or it’s industry specific terminology.

embarrassing

I see Mumsnet isn't any more warm and pleasant these days 🙄

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 09/12/2022 20:35

Justanotherlurker · 09/12/2022 20:31

We recently had a new PM who wanted to make a mark in our firm.

She wanted to lead a our weekly catch up (all senior engineers) and her opening line was paraphrasing

We need to move forward with our new project to make it an all-in-one solution that is API Friendly and DR proof so it will be frictionless to move it into the cloud to future proof the company for years to come.

I feel a bit sorry for her but she clearly doesn't understand the industry despite apparently having worked in it for years and is full of typical 'lets take it offline', 'think outside the box' and 'give it 110%' bollox, she won't last and I have moved her off my projects already.

I wonder if 'catch up' was a wanky term at some point in the past?

humdingle · 09/12/2022 20:35

Keylimewhy · 09/12/2022 20:05

As usual with this type of thread, 90% of posters end up looking like idiots for thinking something is corporate wank speech when they just don’t understand what it means, or it’s industry specific terminology.

embarrassing

I agree with you! But people will still think they’re right about wankspeak even after being told they’re legitimate terms 🙄

Mumtobabyhavoc · 09/12/2022 20:35

MossyOilTank · 09/12/2022 19:00

What is with the phrase "the piece" ... for example, "it's the piece around engagement with stakeholders" ... "the piece on communicating key messages" ... "the piece about maximizing outputs". IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

I see your, "the piece" and raise you, "cascade down to your team..." 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

Pebbles16 · 09/12/2022 20:35

CantFindTheBeat · 09/12/2022 20:11

@FermisLeftFoot

I moved a series of images from one firm to another under IP transfer. They were very much referred to as assets.

That's because they are.
They are business assets(have I been so sucked in that I am confused?)