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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent's funeral

112 replies

namechange143 · 09/12/2022 14:23

My mum has recently told me she doesn't want a funeral. Not a cremation, nothing.
She has changed her will to ensure this doesn't happen.
Hopefully this isn't a concern I have anytime soon, but isn't a funeral for the living rather than the dead?

I feel myself and my brother should have at least been spoken to to get our options on this? My dad also won't be having one.

She isn't being horrible, she genuinely thinks that it'll save us money. I understand they're expensive but isn't it all part of the grieving process? Funeral planning/car planning/wake etc? A way for everyone to say bye?

AIBU to think part of life would be to go to your parent's funeral? Or am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
AriettyHomily · 09/12/2022 14:24

I'd respect her wishes, it's her decision ultimately.

ErrolTheDragon · 09/12/2022 14:26

No, you're not being ridiculous.

While I think you have to respect her wishes on this, I don't think there's any reason you and your DB can't organise some sort of memorial/celebration of her life event if you want.

Flossiemoss · 09/12/2022 14:28

I’m not sure I understand how this is going to enforced? Also- she will still need “disposing” of? What’ is she planning to do to avoid that?

anyway if on the day of the disposal you and your brother decide to do something after there isn’t a lot she can do about that.

EndlessRain1 · 09/12/2022 14:29

My mum told me the same.

I ignored her wish. I agree with you, a funeral is about the people left behind. I wanted the chance to give her a send off, and I wasn't going to prevent people who loved her from saying goodbye. I know she said it because she suffered from depression and had a lonely experience of terminal cancer, and felt let down and angry at the world. Perhaps she thought people wouldn't come.

She also told me not to involve my dad (her exH) at all. I ignored that too. I was only 23 when she died and there was no way I could cope with everything without my dad's support.

I feel guilty about many things surrounding her death, but those two things I still feel absolutely were the right thing to do.

AuntieMarys · 09/12/2022 14:29

It's nothing to do with you.

Lemons1571 · 09/12/2022 14:30

Funerals cost around 6 grand (and that’s not fancy, just a nice but quite basic funeral and wake). Who’s paying?

Bobbybobbins · 09/12/2022 14:30

My friend's mum said the same so they did a celebration afternoon in a lovely garden with food and readings but quite different from a typical funeral. Might be an option. You are right that it is for living IMO

PickyTea · 09/12/2022 14:31

YANBU, I’d be ignoring the request in this case (for both of them) when the time comes

Funerals are for those left behind and it’s a bit selfish to announce you’re not having one.

PickyTea · 09/12/2022 14:31

AuntieMarys · 09/12/2022 14:29

It's nothing to do with you.

It’s everything to do with the OP and any immediate family

StickyCricket · 09/12/2022 14:32

I think I’d find no funeral more upsetting than having a funeral.

She could not stop you holding a memorial service though, I suppose, with a gathering for drinks and food afterwards.

CrotchetyQuaver · 09/12/2022 14:32

Well what is to happen to her body if no cremation?

I would ask her about the practicalities if she doesn't want a funeral and park it there. Then I would consider holding a memorial service after she's gone and not say a word about it.

Newuser82 · 09/12/2022 14:32

A family member of ours recently did this. It was a direct cremation. So he got picked up and cremated then his wife got called to collect the ashes. It was a bit strange as far as I'm concerned but it was what he wanted.

xogossipgirlxo · 09/12/2022 14:33

Tell her she doesn't have a say in wake and it will be done on your terms then😂But seriously, I think I understand you. Funeral is for those who are alive. DH's grandma died of Covid, she was buried in plastic bag in hospital pyjamas. Did it make her any difference? No. Did it affect my husband? Hell yes. He couldn't get over it for ages. He found his closure when he burst into tears one night and just cried it all out. Until then, he was suffering insomnia and felt really low.

Rhondaa · 09/12/2022 14:35

Bobbybobbins · 09/12/2022 14:30

My friend's mum said the same so they did a celebration afternoon in a lovely garden with food and readings but quite different from a typical funeral. Might be an option. You are right that it is for living IMO

This sounds lovely.

Why pair a fortune for a procession of expensive cars and all the paraphernalia.

I'd much rather do the same as the op's dm, let the kids have a bit of a get together but use the 5k of whatever for something nice.

HotDogJumpingFrogHaveACookie · 09/12/2022 14:36

My mum has said the same and has prepaid for a direct cremation. However she would everyone to have a big party.

PiggyPlumPie · 09/12/2022 14:36

My Dad had a direct cremation earlier this year as it was what he wanted.

It was odd but right for him. My mum however has said that we should choose what we want for her so that is a conversation to be had with my sisters.

Classinglass · 09/12/2022 14:37

My mum literally said the same thing the other day, all she wants is a no fuss cremation she doesn’t even want her ashes scattered so I know exactly how you are feeling. Funerals can be a huge part of the grieving process but I suppose decisions made have to be respected.

givemushypeasachance · 09/12/2022 14:38

Funerals are for friends and family, predominantly. But a lot of people have strong opinions on what they want from a funeral, and most families wouldn't go against a loved one's expressed wishes and e.g. have a humanist ceremony if they wanted a traditional catholic service. So I don't see why it isn't equally valid to respect someone's wishes to not have a traditional funeral. You can still arrange a family and friends get together to remember them.

Organ donation has first dibs for me, and if they don't want them then I'm signed up to the local medical school for 'donation to science'. In those circumstances the medical school has your body for a year or two, it only gets released for any further disposal when they're done with it. Medical students often attend services of thanks at the end.

2pinkginsplease · 09/12/2022 14:39

you need to respect her wishes, my mum has certain wishes after her death, I’ve told her to write it all down and sign it so that when I carry out her wishes, no one else can argue with me or go against what she wants as it’s her wishes.

to go against it would be disrespectful.

you could always have an afternoon later on to celebrate your mum with your nearest and dearest, maybe a fundraising event to donate money to your mums favourite charity in her memory.

BMW6 · 09/12/2022 14:41

Direct cremation for DH and I, and 4 of my 5 siblings.

I've asked that they get together to scatter my ashes in a particular spot, have a lovely pub lunch and toast my journey while having a lovely time.

I'm going to get a selection of family photos to leave for them to prompt happy reminiscing, mostly funny.

AuntieMarys · 09/12/2022 14:41

PickyTea · 09/12/2022 14:31

It’s everything to do with the OP and any immediate family

Show quote history

It really doesn't. I'm having a direct cremation. My family can have a do after if they want. But I'm not paying for it.
They know my wishes and accept them. Funerals are awful in my opinion.

ladywithnomanors · 09/12/2022 14:41

You have to respect her wishes. Although you may ask to have a proper discussion with her about it. Let her know how upsetting it would be for you.
For what it's worth I would have been in favour of a direct cremation when my Mum died. I told my sister at the time that if i could have got away with not going to her funeral I wouldnt have gone. I found it incredibly traumatic. I was beside myself with grief.

Crunchingleaf · 09/12/2022 14:42

I also think funerals are for those left behind so I can definitely see your point of view.
I am Irish so my opinion is skewed by how seriously we take wakes and funerals. It’s something to focus on when your loved one dies, it’s a time for tears and there can also even be laughter as you remember the person, it’s a time to be with your family. Something about hearing stories about your loved one can really help the grieving process.
Hopefully it isn’t a situation you will have to face for a long time, but you can still do something with your immediate family.

Lemons1571 · 09/12/2022 14:42

Rhondaa · 09/12/2022 14:35

This sounds lovely.

Why pair a fortune for a procession of expensive cars and all the paraphernalia.

I'd much rather do the same as the op's dm, let the kids have a bit of a get together but use the 5k of whatever for something nice.

Show quote history

Direct cremation costs around £1k doesn’t it? Plus costs of storage at the funeral directors which is another £1k. I found the basic unavoidable costs were the highest, much more significant than the £70 on flowers or £200 for the car.

IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready · 09/12/2022 14:42

My dad donated his body to medical science, so there was no funeral - no coffin, flowers, hearse, when he died 22 years ago. The hospital asked if we'd like a service for my dad, so that we and his friends could remember him. The hospital arranged it, and it cost us nothing but we left a good donation.

I'm 63 now and I signed up, about 15 years ago, to donate my body to medical science. My husband has, too.